Stop Obsessing Over External Validation

Stop Obsessing Over External Validation

By Max Jancar | Published: February 26, 2024 | 2 Minute Read

As part of The Breakthrough Letter, every week I send out a short email with one idea, one suggestion, and one resource to help you break through your breakup and create a new possibility for love, either with your ex or someone new.

Here’s this week’s edition.

Today’s Idea:

While there’s nothing bad about seeking a bit of validation from your ex or the people you’re dating, obsessing over that external validation is bad.

It’s this same obsession that is the exact reason why so many people going through a breakup are frustrated and unfulfilled, and why they usually come across as unattractive.

Remember: the key to genuine happiness and attractiveness lies not in the validation we receive from the external world but in the validation we give to ourselves — internal validation.

Today’s Suggestion:

Maybe you took your ex on an over-the-top date they didn’t really deserve just to impress them. Or perhaps you can’t stop showing off your bowling skills to a potential mate who doesn’t actually care about them just to get their approval.

Regardless of your situation, when faced with the urge to seek external validation, pause and ask yourself, “Am I doing this for myself, or am I just seeking approval and validation from the other person?” Then act accordingly.

As a solid rule of thumb: pursue external validation 20% of the time and internal validation 80% of the time.

Today’s Resource:

Where Do You Get Your Validation? — an article addressing the nature of validation, some common misconceptions people have around it, and how to cultivate a healthy degree of it yourself.

New This Week:

New article — an argument for why you can’t and shouldn’t try to change your ex after getting more serious with them, even if they should resolve some of their flaws or turn around their situation. Read it here: No, You Can’t Make Your Ex Change.

Another new article — on how when trying to get back with an ex, sometimes doing nothing is more powerful than absolutely anything you could possibly say or do. Read it here: Sometimes No Move Is The Best Move.

As always, feel free to reply to this email and let me know what you think. While I can’t respond to everyone, I do read everything.

Until next time,

Max Jancar

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