Change Your Mind About Getting Your Ex Back

Getting back with your ex is not about learning what to say or what to do. Getting back with your ex is about making a change in your mindset, your self-perception, and your self-respect. And it’s as simple as changing your mind about a few things.

So, take a moment to consider…

… that instead of trying to prove yourself to your ex, you could realize you don’t need to, and shouldn’t try, to prove yourself to anyone.

… that instead of dropping everything and immediately responding when they reach out, you could choose to take care of whatever you’re doing first and only reply when you’re actually not busy anymore. Besides, sometimes the best move is no move.

… that instead of trying to impress them, you could wonder if they’ll work on impressing you.

… that instead of clawing for your ex’s validation, you could settle to just validate yourself more.

…that before you send them that fourth text or call them up for the second time in a row, you could ask yourself if they have texted back or returned your calls recently.

… that instead of obsessing about how you come across when you talk to them, you could focus on how they come across when they talk to you — are they invested, semi-invested, or turned off?

… that instead of getting upset and pissed off when they don’t want to get back together with you, you could decide that it means you probably wouldn’t want to get back together with someone like that anyway.

This may all sound a bit selfish. But, in fact, it’s called having firm boundaries, noteworthy self-respect, and high self-esteem. It’s the equivalent of being a mature and healthy individual with standards — and a spine.

Only make time for your ex if they make time for you. Only put effort into meeting your ex’s needs if they put in the effort to meet your needs. Only work on getting your ex back if they work on getting you back.

Maybe you think you’re not experienced enough to do these things. Maybe you think you’re too needy or attached to your ex. Maybe you think you’re too weak. And perhaps you’re right about all of that.

But being right doesn’t change the point. If you want a better chance at mending your relationship, you’ll have to work on changing your mind. There’s no other way around it.

You’ll have a much better shot of re-attracting your ex if you can be someone who they can respect, someone who they can trust, someone actually worth coming back to.

If you’re constantly the only one fighting for their love, chasing after them, seeking approval, blowing up their phone, fussing about how they perceive you, and so forth — how can they ever respect, trust, and love you?

Newsflash: they can’t.

No one is attracted to or truly loves someone who they can’t respect or trust. That’s why you can have all the best tricks, tactics, techniques, and fake behaviors and, in the long run, still fail to rekindle your relationship.

The mindset those methods produce only leads to unattractive behavior. It promotes anxiety, jealousy, insecurity, and obsession. It encourages the need to impress, try too hard, and say things that are not genuine, sincere, or ethical. It nurtures relational dysfunction and misery.

You are what attracts or repels your ex, not the performance you put on. Put differently, it’s not about what you say or what you do that gets your ex back. It’s who you become that gets them back — what you stand for, represent, and embody. What you say or do should only be an extension of what you embody. In and of themselves, the words and actions mean nothing.

Basically, don’t act attractive; actually become attractive.

It’s this mentality that leads to all attractive behavior. It helps you freely express yourself instead of saying or doing what you think your ex wants you to say or do. It lessens your irrational fears and insecurities instead of expanding them. It erodes feelings of unworthiness instead of hardening them even further.

I don’t care if your ex has a supermodel bod, a bursting social circle traversing all seven continents, or a bazillion dollars in their bank account. Are they worth your time, energy, and effort? Do you enjoy being around them? Do they treat you well? Do you feel trusted? Do you feel respected? Do you feel valued?

These are the questions you should be asking yourself. And the only way you’ll start asking them and actually get helpful answers — and empowering responses from others — is if you authentically improve yourself.

Besides, the only real ex-back advice is self-improvement. Eat well. Work out. Get quality sleep. Date around. Invest in your lifestyle. Overcome your insecurities. Conquer your anxieties. Resolve your shame. Build up some confidence. Love yourself. Otherwise, no one else will.

Your ex will never see your value as a person if you don’t value yourself first. And throwing yourself into self-improvement is the only viable way to demonstrate that value to yourself, and eventually, to them.

Think of it in terms of the classic Wayne Dyer quote: “Loving others starts with loving myself. If you don’t love yourself, nobody else will. Not only that — you won’t be good at loving anyone else. Loving starts with the self.”