Okay, let’s cut the crap. The “how to get your ex back” online experts are getting out of control. They exploit the vulnerabilities of brokenhearted people so that they buy their overhyped and shoddy products. And they give the rest of us, legit breakup advice bloggers, a bad rep.
It’s all too much. I believe someone needs to call these people out on their chicanery at this point. And it just so looks that I’m going to be that someone.
So here’s what I have planned for this article.
First, I will expose the unscrupulous marketing ploys, the “get an ex back” experts use, so you buy their products. Then, I will cover the manipulative techniques they teach inside their programs and explain how they can actually hurt your chances of winning your ex back. Let’s get to it.
An overview of the “How to get your ex back” experts and their online programs
Maybe you’re asking yourself, who exactly are these “how to get your ex back” experts that I keep hearing about?
If you searched anything along the lines of getting an ex back, you’ve probably already noticed them, be that through a blog post, a podcast episode, or a youtube video. These are people like Brad Browning, Chris Canwell, or Alexandre Cormont with their 47/49$ eBooks. Or Chris Seiter with his immature ninja technique-course, and Matthew Hussey with his Five-Step Plan to Get Your Ex Running Back to You. And don’t even get me started on people like Michael Fiore with his “text your ex back” program.
Note: From here on out, I will refer to these (self) proclaimed experts as gurus or fake gurus.
While I understand that not all of the people who teach how to get an ex back fall into the same scumbucket, most sadly do.
The funny thing about these “how to get your ex back” programs is that they all carry more or less the same ideas, processes, and techniques: leverage no contact, work on yourself, initiate a conversation with your ex at some point, set a date with them, seduce, rekindle the love. Here’s their general structure in detail:
1. start with no-contact
For those who don’t know, no-contact is a technique where you refrain from contacting your ex in any way, shape, or form for a set time. Be that, 30, 60, or sometimes even 90 days. The goal of no-contact is to either make your ex miss you more or to recover faster – or both.
So during no contact, you don’t call your ex, you don’t message them, you don’t engage with their social media posts. Hell, you don’t even wish them a happy birthday.
And if you, by any chance, still live with your ex or have a kid together, you keep your communication short, to the point, and business-like. People call this technique “modified no contact.”
2. Work on yourself during No-contact
After you implement the no-contact technique into your life, the “how to get your ex back” programs supply you with several ways to become a better version of yourself during this time of silence:
- join a gym
- take walks outside
- do meditation and yoga
- start eating healthy
- embrace your feminine or masculine qualities
- Develop “advanced relational skills” (boundaries, present moment awareness, empathy, vulnerability, etc.)
- learn how to be non-needy and confident
- go on a date or two
- cultivate an abundance mindset
- think positive, do affirmations, journal, and write gratitude lists
- Give your ex space (either ignore them if they reach out or respond with something like, “I’m still recovering. Let’s wait a few more days before we talk again.”)
- Realize that you’ve been duped and that the information inside these “how to get your ex back” programs is easily obtainable with a Google search.
3. Initiate a conversation with your ex
After the no-contact period is over, the next step is to engage your ex in a conversation with the aim of getting them on a date.
Luckily the “get your ex back” programs got you covered; they supply you with a plethora of cringe-worthy pre-prepared text messages, scripts, and techniques for getting your ex to respond to you and to stay responsive. (We’ll go over those techniques in detail later.)
4. The first date and beyond
After you get your ex on a date with all your cute ninja techniques, you have an easy opportunity to rebuild the attraction, rekindle the love, and cultivate a revitalized and hopefully sturdier relationship with them. Or at least, that’s what you’re told to believe.
The bs behind “How to get your ex back” gurus #1: The Shady Marketing
Let me give you a few insights into how the shady part of the “get your ex back” industry – and just about any other faulty online industry – works.
1. Content is just an ad in disguise
When I say content, I’m mostly referring to blog posts and youtube videos. In the fake guru world, these pieces exclusively serve to convert viewers and readers to customers.
By that, I mean that they deliver just enough information to get you hooked on the fake guru’s product, but still not enough to enable you to solve your problem – get your ex back.
Let me put this differently. Most “get your ex back” gurus prefer to deliver a short, vague and lifeless piece of content with a deafening sales pitch at the end as opposed to a valuable, original, and helpful counterpart.
Here’s an example of your typical sleazy sales pitch you would hear by the end of a fake gurus’ content piece:
“If you want to know exactly how to get your ex to love you like crazy again, be sure to check out my XYZ online program/course that teaches you a scientifically proven step-by-step process on how to do just that, quick and easy! Just click the link/button below to get started right now!”
Don’t get me wrong; there’s nothing inapt or unethical with having a sales pitch in your content, but it becomes inapt and unethical when the pitch is unrealistic, and the content in which it resides is a sloppily put together hodgepodge of unoriginal information.
2. Unrealistic product claims
You have to raise an eyebrow when looking at some of the claims these fake gurus pierce on their product pages. I mean, just take a look at these surreal bombshells:
- Even Though You Think It’s Impossible, I’ll teach You How To Use This Technique To Compel Your Ex To Fall Back In Love With You Again… For Good!
- I’ll teach you how to tap into a woman’s primal instincts, fire up her sex drive, and mold the image of you that she has in the back of her mind. Her panties will be dripping wet before you can say, “snufalufagus.”
- “My program contains a copy-paste scientifically-proven method that will bypass your ex-girlfriends/boyfriends logical brain center and send their emotions into overdrive so they will begin to crave you instantly! And yes, you can perform this secret method from the comfort of the keyboard of your phone, and even if you think there’s no hope for reconciliation and EVEN if your ex told you they don’t want to get back together!”
Now let’s take a moment to unpack this last claim from Matthew Hussey so you can get a better idea of why these claims are written the way they are written.
The first sentence aims to convince you that the gurus’ method for getting your ex back is proven to work quickly, while the second sentence aims to convince you that you can apply it and get your desired result (your ex back) without any real strain and even in a worst-case scenario.
In essence the reason for this kind of claim structure is to persuade you that getting your ex back would be easy as pie, if you just bought the fake gurus’ program.
3. spam emails galore
When you sign up for a gurus newsletter, you don’t get valuable insights – god, no! You get spam. Lot’s and lot’s of spam, like this:
Source: Michael Fiore email newsletter
Put differently, instead of sending you useful content, fake gurus barrage you with sales pitches for their newest products, or they push affiliate offers down your throat; These are regularly just additional cash grab schemes.
4. Preying on the insecurities of the brokenhearted
One of the main ways a fake guru hooks you into taking an interest in their offer/product is by presenting you a story that, on the one hand, paints a bleak picture of your current situation and then paints one of your desired one. In the end, the guru presents their product as the vehicle that gets you from your current situation to your desired one.
Now it’s easy to misunderstand this concept, so let me clarify a few things.
There’s nothing wrong if you’re presenting your potential customer how you can get them from point A to point B with integrity and morals (by describing their situation in a down to earth way). Just look at my sales pages. I don’t want to brag, but they are a solid example of ethical copywriting and selling.
However, where copy and sales get immoral is when you begin to crank up a person’s pain and prey on her or his fears and insecurities, so they buy your stuff. This is what fake gurus do. They don’t realistically describe the potential clients’ current and desired situation; they distort and exaggerate it:
Here are two examples to illustrate what I mean. The first is from a video sales pitch by Chris Seiter and the second is from Coach Lee’s website:
Example 1: (current situation)
“Do you remember the way your ex-boyfriend looked at you, like are the only thing that mattered to him, the way he would hold you close, leaving in a tempting and teasing you with his clever little smirk? The way his warm and gentle kisses would give you a spine-tingling sensation that you’ve never felt before.”
Example 2: (desired situation)
“If you want your ex boyfriend to reach out to you and ask you to take him back, often times even to the point of begging and pleading, then get my XYZ right away before it’s too late… Because with every tick of the clock, it’s more and more likely you will lose him forever…
… more likely he will replace you with another woman…
… more likely he will lose even more attraction for you…
…. more likely he will see you as a blurry and distant memory…
But it really doesn’t have to be that way!
If you utilize the techniques I’m going to show you, he’ll be able to remember how amazing things were with you. He’ll remember how it was when you two kissed. How it felt to hold your hand. And he’ll remember when and why he only wanted to be with you.”
5. the bullshit backstory
A bullshit backstory is just a well-articulated rag to riches story that a fake guru tells you, which gets you to trust and connect with them:
“Listen, I know exactly what you’re going through. I’ve been through my share of bad breakups…”
“I know what you are going through. Since you are on this page, I know that you are feeling shock, sorrow, betrayal, and anxiety. And I can tell you that I have also felt the loss and panic that you are experiencing right now because of this breakup.”
At its core, this story has to communicate how the person describing it was at some point in their life in your shoes, but still got the outcome you yearn for – a.k.a, he or she got their ex back.
Another variant of the rag to riches story could be related to a successful client who was in your shoes but still got the results you want, due to the experts’ product or service. Here’s an example of what I mean:
“Marshal has been in the same place you are right now. Heartbroken and depressed, with an urgent desire to repair things with his ex. He tried everything to get her back, but nothing worked. In the end, he was close to putting a bullet in his head until he came across [insert fake guru product] that got his ex back and changed everything for him.
6. Price that always ends in a 7
Have you ever noticed how the price of most “how to get your ex back” programs and resources ends with a 7?Well, there is a reason behind the madness. Attaching a 7 at the end of any price tag (for instance, 47$ or 97$) is proven to make a product sell better.
7. inflated pricing
Inflated pricing is another cunning techniques fake gurus use to get their products to sell like hotcakes. In essence, they state that they’re usually giving away their course for, let’s say, 97$, but just for you – just for a limited time – they will sell it for only 47$.
But what people don’t understand is that their product was always selling at a lower price. The discount is a falsification to get you to open up your wallet.
8. Bonus stacks
Another trick the fake gurus use is bonus stacks, which refers to additional goods offered and presented as bonuses when buying a primary product. Here’s an example of a bonus stack:
Now here’s the bitter reality about bonus stacks.These bonuses are 99% of the time cheaply put together PDF files or videos, with information quickly found on Google. And the prices next to them, well…they are unfortunately pulled out of a fake guru’s egotistical ass.
9. Using and often overusing scarcity
It’s no secret that what is scarce in a market will be perceived as more worthy. Unuspirisnly, fake gurus just love to take advantage of this theory.
- You’ve probably seen bogus countdown clocks or remarks such as these pasted on most “how to get an ex back” websites:
- This video may be taken down soon – do NOT miss the end
- Spots are limited
Only a limited quantity of product/spots available
There’s nothing wrong with using scarcity if you’re honest about it – if something genuinely is limited – but when you’re dishonest about it, you’re an A-grade asshole. At least in my book.
And yes, most fake gurus, all from big fish like Matthey Hussey To small fry like Brad Browning, all lie about their products’ actual availability. How do I know?
I checked the past versions of their sales pages, with a nifty little tool called “The Wayback Machine.” And you can too! Just type Wayback Machine into Google and have some fun.
Here are two screenshots of Matthew Hussey’s “get your ex back” program product page. One is from 2017, and the other is up-to-date.
As you can see, the “this video will be taken down soon” comment above the video stayed intact for over three years! Talk about honest marketing, right?
10. Hidden reviews
I can’t stress this enough. Never fall for the reviews of any online course or program found on the Internet with a simple search. They are often bought or forged. If you’re looking for genuine reviews and facts, whether a product and the business behind it is legit, analyze what the business bureau website website says about it. While BBB is a great source to check a company’s legitimacy, it’s – like all other sources not 100% foolproof. Therefore, take everything that’s posted there with a grain of salt. But, hell. It’s still better than most other review sites.
the reason why “get your ex back” experts exist
Let’s backtrack a bit here.
By the end of the day, I understand why these “how to get an ex back” gurus, experts, or whatever you want to call them exist. As a columnist by the name of Kerry Sackville illustrated;
“The pain of separation is real, and extraordinarily hard to deal with. The feelings of separation anxiety – or “separation protest” – can cause the rejected partner to work frantically to get their lover back and heartbroken people will take any piece of advice, any grain of hope, in their quest.”
While the above is a good reason for the existence of breakup experts, sadly our collective problem still persists; most of them are fraudsters, and only keep, as Ms. Sackville added, “exploiting the distraught and grieving with false promises and shonky advice.”
The bs behind “How to get your ex back” gurus #2: Techniques For Rekindling love
In this section, I will shift from talking about the shady techniques gurus use when trying to sell you their products to the ones they teach inside those products.
To be specific, I’m going to present you with four general techniques in turn and then give my opinion about why implementing them is plain wrong and frequently hinders the chances of getting your ex back.
And as I always say, don’t take the list of techniques below as exhaustive. These are only some that I find most unethical, toxic, and standard across all “how to get your ex back” products.
1. Pre-prepared text messages
Most “how to get an ex back” programs supply you with numerous texting templates and pre-prepared messages you can send to your ex to make them love you again. Let’s take a look at the three such texts and the corrupt philosophy behind them.
The Happy memory/Best Of Text
The purpose of the “best of” texts is twofold. On the one hand, you’re reminding your ex of a good memory you had together, while on the other, you’re using it as an excuse to break the silence between the two of you. Let’s take a look at two examples of these text messages:
- “Hey, I just saw a really cool movie that reminded me of the time we went out to the cinema for the first time to watch that crappy Adam Sandler movie. Remember how much we laughed back then?”
- “Rember the time we jumped in that golf cart and backed it down that embankment? I remember how scared we both were and then how we laughed uncontrollably when we hit bottom and realized we were safe. That look you gave me was priceless.”
The Jealousy Text
The purpose of this text is obvious: it’s to spark curiosity in your ex and making them think, “what friend is he or she talking about?” Let’s take a look at two examples:
- “Hey, mind reminding me where that lovely restaurant we went on our third date is? I invited a friend to come with me, but I forgot the exact address?”
- “A friend and I just went to the cinema and saw Crazy, Stupid, Love. Great movie. Pretty romantic, even. Try watching it. I think you’ll like it.”
The stressful situation Text
This text is used as words of support when you know your ex is going through a difficult period in their life. Here’s an example:
- “I know you’re probably feeling stressed right now, with the finals coming and all. But I’m sure you’ll do great! You got this. I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you…”
2. PRE-PREPARED letter
If the above text messages made you nauseous, just a look at these two examples of handwritten letters online experts recommend you send to your ex when you want them back:
The last resort letter
In this letter, you write (lie) to your ex how you already moved on from them and found someone new but would still love to “stay in contact” with them just because they simply mean so much to you.
The idea behind this technique is that you’re testing if your ex-partner still likes you. Either they respond positively to your letter and go out with you, or not. In any case, you will know where you stand with them by sending one.
Here’s one example, straight from Brad Brownings X-factor guide so that you can get a clearer picture of the technique:
“This is a letter you probably would never expect from me since we haven’t spoken in forever… but I’d like to thank you for being in my life. Much has changed since we’ve broken up. I found somebody new, and everything has been fantastic. I know it sounds weird, but being with you has helped me realize everything I’ve been missing…but I completely valued the time we were together.
I just want you to know that I’m completely over us…and although I’m glad it’s over between us, I think it would be a shame if we just never spoke to each other again. You make such a great friend!
If you feel inclined to reach out to me, you know how to contact me.”
The love letter/apology technique
In this letter, as the name suggests, you write your ex a sappy apology, where you try to prove to them that you’ve changed and ask them if they ever want to see you again, or as certain people say, inspire them to come back.
For instance, here’s an excerpt from one of the three love letters, straight from Alexandre Cormont’s 49-freaking-dollar eBooklet titled 70 Pro Tips To Get Her Back:
“Sadly, I understood this all far too late. Worst of all, I thought it was your fault. I know some of my words and actions hurt you, and I’m sorry for that, but I think you know me well enough to know that was never my intention. I acted this way because I was unable to control my emotions and think about the consequences of my actions. At first, I didn’t want to write this letter, mainly because of pride, but also because I respect your decision.
Even more so since I know how difficult of a decision this was to make. But I have been telling myself to let go of pride and act. And this is the first step. You know (Her name), I never choose to be attracted to you, but you attracted me. You are a loving, fearless woman with an enormous amount of courage and worth. This is a fact, a reality that I understand when I think back on when we first met or on any point in our relationship really.”
3. Reverse psychology
According to betterhelp.com, reverse psychology is a persuasive technique that involves getting someone to engage in a desired action or response by suggesting the opposite. Unfortunately, it’s also a common technique fake most gurus teach you. Let’s see it in action:
For example, you’re using reverse psychology when you tell your ex-lover, “Hey, I think our breakup up was a good idea. I wish you well.” when you, in reality, don’t believe so and are just using that line to get them back. Because, as we all know, scarcity creates desire.
4. Playing hard to get
Playing hard to get with your ex is an everyday staple of every fake guru ninja tactics repertoire. Most of them supply you with a plethora of such techniques:
- End the conversations (phone, text, or in-person) at a highpoint to leave your ex wanting more.
- Play aloof and indifferent – a.k.a, high status
- Be the one who sends smaller sized text bubbles.
- Hold back personal information, be vague with your answers, and ask more than you answer so that your ex begins to pull the information they want out of you. Thus, changing the conversation dynamic to your favor.
- Contact your ex, then ignore them.
- When on a date with your ex, avoid any deep or gloomy topics, and preferably keep everything light and fun, with a lot of teasing and banter. Like nothing ever happened.
Why the above techniques hinder your chances of getting your ex back
Now that I’ve shared all the primary techniques found in most guru programs, it’s time for me to tell you the uncomfortable truth about them.If your ex doesn’t want to see you or doesn’t want to get back with you, it doesn’t matter what technique you use on them. Any advancement you make, be that with a text message, a letter, or a phone call, will be regarded as inappropriate, unattractive, or in the worst case, even repulsive by them.
Note: this is an abnormally accurate scenario if you’re the one who has been dumped.
Ultimately, the more you chase and pursue your ex-partner, the less they will respect and trust you. Therefore, what happens most of the time is that you’ll only push them further away.
But now, let’s pretend that you do get your ex back at some point.
What are your chances of staying with them long term?
Well, here’s *sigh* another uncomfortable truth.
If you’ve won your ex back with the presented fraudulent techniques, your relationship is probably going to flop.
The sole reason why this happens is because you haven’t done any work on yourself. And that’s the trap most people get themselves in.
If you get back with your ex without recognizing and resolving (where it’s possible) the underlying issues that led to the initial breakup, be that incompatibility or toxic tendencies or just about any other relationship issue under the sun, you’re just going to break up again shortly.
Or, in the absolute worst-case scenario, the two of you will settle for each other and stay together in a dysfunctional and drama riddled cesspool of a relationship – one where the two of you might be constantly breaking up and getting back together.
” Imagine your relationship as a beautiful china plate. If you break it once, you can put it back together with some care and effort. If you break it a second time, you can still put it back together but it takes a lot of extra time and care. But if you break it again and again and again, eventually you end up with so many pieces that you can’t put it back together. And no matter how much you liked that plate, you’re better off going and finding another one.” — By Mark Manson
The true chances of getting your ex back
There are no proven studies from authority figures, nor are there any public statistics about how many people actually succeed with different “how to get your ex back” programs, except for one found on exbackpermanently.com.
The people behind the website found that only 15% of their clients get back with their ex and actually stay together. But I would take their study with a grain of salt, considering that the same people that conducted it also sell a course on how to get an ex back.
In my opinion, you ultimately can get your ex back. In fact, sometimes all a couple needs is some time apart to get perspective on their relationship and to realize what makes one work. But the more important question to ask yourself is, “should I get back with them?”
After all is said and done, I’m no saint. I’m no savior. I’m no hero for writing this article. Nor am I a villain. I’m just a guy on the Internet who writes stuff, and has opinions.
Opinions that I believe need to be brought to light—especially in today’s time, when miracle cures keep getting sold left and right with predatory marketing in virtually every niche, all from fitness, health supplements, make-money-online to cooking and yoga.
And let me tell you a secret.
In the past, I was not so different from Chris Canwell, Brad Browning, Matthew Hussey, Chris Seiter, and the whole gang. I also used questionable marketing.
But, I’ve never resorted to selling hollow and cash-grabby products nestled in unethical philosophy, the way some “experts” do. I just can’t stand those people.
Why? Well, as I said…they hurt my business credibility, and thus end up hurting me.
But, to switch to a less selfish perspective, they also (financially and mentally) hurt you —the person who got heartbroken; the vulnerable breakup survivor. The kind of breakup survivor I once was – stealing cash to buy more courses, crying waterfalls, and on the brink of putting a bullet in my skull under the gaping and silent and empty sky.
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