Click play to listen to this article.
So this is probably, like, the 37th article you’ve read after getting dumped. And you’re likely pretty sick and tired of trying to figure out how to get your ex back already.
I get it.
A lot of advice out there claims that you can re-attract your ex by simply waiting a few days, playing hard to get for a while, sending a couple of scripted texts, faking a bit of confidence and indifference, and BAM! Your ex is back in your arms, loving and lusting all over you.
These are what I call performance behaviors. And while they can help you get back with your ex, they prevent you from ever forming a healthy and lasting relationship with them.
Because if you got your ex back solely through performance, without ever investing in yourself and changing for the better, you’d just break up again.
After all, the incompatibilities and emotional baggage that ended your relationship originally would still be there — never addressed, never resolved.
So rather than agonizing over performance, re-attract your ex by investing in yourself and developing a more attractive identity. Because that’s what ultimately matters: your fucking identity.
It’s who you become that gets your ex back — what you stand for, what you represent, what you embody. It’s not about what you say or what you do. Your words and actions should only be an extension of who you become. In and of themselves, they mean nothing.
If you’re a lazy, whiny, socially awkward, self-loathing, out-of-shape slob with low self-esteem who takes no responsibility for their actions and works at a dead-end job they hate — you won’t get far with your ex, even if you know all the best tricks and tactics.
But if you’re a responsible, confident, in-shape, positive, and ambitious person with a healthy work and social life — then, compared to the slob, you’ll get much farther with your ex, even if you don’t know any tricks and tactics.
In short: It’s not about acting attractive that gets your ex back; it’s about actually becoming attractive that gets them back.
Now becoming attractive may sound vague and abstract, but while emotionally difficult, it’s actually quite simple. And it all boils down to embodying six key principles — principles I’ll explain below.
What This Article Aims To Do, Who It’s For, And How It’s Structured
This article is for anyone who wants to get back with their ex. Whether we’re talking about an ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, ex-wife, ex-husband, ex-fiancé, long-distance ex, cheating ex, first love, a gay relationship, a straight relationship, a fling relationship, a serious relationship, a rebound, etc. — this article will prove helpful.
Be warned, though: this is a long article. It should be saved, revisited, and digested in pieces. Here’s everything I’m going to cover:
- Principle #1: Tell Your Ex That You Want Them Back.
- Principle #2: Move On With Your Life (Apply The No Contact Rule).
- Principle #3: Invest In Your Relationship With Yourself.
- Principle #4: Ponder If Getting Back With Your Ex Is Even A Good Idea.
- Principle #5: Set A Date When Your Ex Reaches Out And Meet Up With Them.
- Principle #6: Get Back Together With Your Ex (And Stay Together).
- Conclusion: What No One Tells You About Getting Back With Your Ex.
If you’d like to learn how to get back with your ex through a different format, here’s a Youtube video explaining this article. Enjoy.
Principle #1: Tell Your Ex That You Want Them Back
Whether through text or a call, social media, or in real life; Whether it’s been a week since your breakup or years; Whether your ex is pissed off or indifferent; Whether they dumped you or you dumped them…
… If you want your ex back but haven’t yet made it clear, just fucking tell them you want them back.
Don’t make it a big deal. Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t become spineless or meek or intimidated. Don’t act tough or entitled or like you’re better than them. Be vulnerable.
Express your interest in an emotionally intelligent way, boldly risk rejection, and stay unattached to your ex’s response — even if it’s one you don’t want to hear. Even if all you get in return is dead silence.
Here’s something you could say to your ex when they dumped you but you want them back:
Hey Ex. This is kind of random, forgive me for being honest, but I need to get this off my chest. I love you, I miss you, and I truly want to make things work between us. If you’re ever feeling the same way, reach out, let me know, and we can try again. My door is open for you. In any case, thanks for everything.
Here’s something you could say when you dumped your ex but now regret the decision and want them back:
Hey Ex. I’ve been thinking, and honestly, I’m sorry for dumping you. It wasn’t right of me. I made a huge mistake. If you’re still interested in making things work between us, let me know. I want you back, and I love you. My door is open for you. In any case, thanks for everything.
Additional Advice For When You Tell Your Ex You Want Them Back
Know when to apologize to your ex. If you cheated, lied, or did something devious to your ex, add a genuine apology to your statement of interest. Acknowledge how you’ve hurt them and what you’ve learned from the incident. Then promise not to repeat your mistake(s) and keep that promise. Don’t be dramatic when apologizing, and do it only once.
Never settle for friendship. If your ex insists on being friends after you express your interest, communicate you only want to see them romantically. If they’re unwilling to continue seeing you this way, tell them to get in touch if they ever change their mind. Then let them go forever and never contact them again for any reason. Never settle for friendship. It’s either romance or nothing.
Don’t try to make your ex feel better about the breakup. Their emotions are not your responsibility. You shouldn’t comfort or help them cope if they’re struggling. You’re not their therapist. Besides, you’d likely just make them feel worse.
Never beg or plead with your ex to give you another chance. You can’t force your ex to love you. You can’t force them to go out with you. You can’t force them to pay attention to you. No amount of begging or pleading will change their mind about these things. They will only resent you more for it.
Never chase and pursue your ex. Same deal as above. Four texts in a row won’t get your ex back any faster, nor will ten calls in a day. Why would your ex even want to get back together if you keep nagging and chasing after them? They left you because they wanted less of you. So how is giving them more of you going to turn things around? Spoiler alert: It won’t.
Don’t be mean to your ex if they don’t want you back. No passive aggressiveness, no snarkiness, no talking behind their back, no spreading false rumors, no public comparisons with your other exes — be respectful and handle rejection like a grown ass adult.
Know when to move forward with your ex. If your ex is receptive and enthusiastic after you express your interest, invite them on a date (and jump to principle #5).
Know when to back off from your ex. If your ex is unreceptive and cold (or even mean and vicious) after you express your interest, or if they blocked, ghosted/ignored, or rejected you — be it indirectly (excuses) or directly (“I don’t want you back”) — end the conversation and move on. Then only give your ex another shot if they contact you first. If that happens, go to principle #5.
Principle #2: Move On With Your Life (Apply The No Contact Rule)
Moving on with your life — or, as many call it, applying the no contact rule — is arguably the hardest part of re-attraction for most people. Mainly because of the debilitating insecurity it ignites in them. Yet it’s also the most attractive thing one can do after telling their ex they want them back and being met with an unreciprocated response, no response, or rejection.
The theory goes that once you move on, they’ll eventually wonder why they haven’t heard from you yet. After all, they probably expect you to cave and chase after them since they have all the power. Once curiosity like this enters the picture, there’s a good chance they’ll start to miss you.
And if they do start to miss you — thanks to the fading affect bias and the rose-colored glasses phenomenon — they’ll gradually shift their focus from the negative aspects of your relationship to the positive, making them more likely to reach out and easier to get back together with. (1) (2)
So, in a way, moving on rebalances the entire relational dynamic in your favor. Even better, it enables you to heal faster and buys you plenty of time to reflect on why your relationship ended and what you’d need to change or improve to make it work the next time.
Now moving on with your life means exactly what you think it does: you let your ex go and never contact them again for any reason. Or, to be more specific, as I wrote in my article on the no contact rule, from now on you:
- Don’t call, text, or engage with your ex’s social media anymore (unfriend and unfollow them).
- Don’t go to places where you’d have an “accidental” encounter with them.
- Don’t wish them a happy birthday, Easter, Christmas, etc.
- Don’t even express your condolences if they lose someone close to them.
- Hide everything that reminds you of them that’s within your control.
- Don’t go to places that draw out painful memories.
- Throw away or return everything your ex gave you (gifts, random clothes, trinkets, etc.).
Generally, the more physical and emotional distance you put between your ex and yourself, the faster you’ll heal and the likelier it is that you’ll raise their attraction, get them to miss you and reach out. Whereas, the less distance there is between you, the slower you’ll heal and the less likely it is that you’ll raise their attraction, get them to miss you and reach out.
Put another way: the best way to get somebody’s attention is to remove yours.
Additional Advice For When You Move On/Apply The No Contact Rule
Consider logistics. If you live with your ex, move out or move them out. If that’s impossible, only talk to them if it’s important. Take the same approach if you share kids or pets. Keep your conversations business-like, to the point, and end them as soon as you make a mutually beneficial agreement or decision.
Handle mutual friends correctly. Either cut them loose or distance yourself from them. But don’t just disappear or distance yourself abruptly. Explain how you want to heal and how staying in touch prevents you from doing so first. There’s no shame in pain, so just admit you’re hurting. That said, keep in mind that you don’t necessarily owe anyone an explanation or justification for your actions.
Don’t ignore your ex. Provided they don’t have ill intent, always answer their texts and calls. Be human. Just don’t forget that your goal during every interaction is setting a definite date (principle #5).
Don’t freak out and reach out to your ex if they start dating or get into another relationship. This is bound to happen sooner or later and you can’t do anything about it. So focus on what you can control instead — personal growth and recovery are your best bets. Also, talking of relationships, maybe you’re lucky and your ex gets into a rebound relationship, in which case it’ll end in a few weeks, as most don’t last.
Don’t invent fake reasons to contact your ex. For example: “I just saw this movie, and it reminded me of you,” or “How’s your dog doing? I’m worried about him.” We both know the real intentions behind these statements. It’s not about the movie or the damn dog. It’s about you getting clarity on the chances of getting back together. Be warned: your ex instantly senses needy intentions like these, and they will lose attraction due to them.
Don’t jump to stupid conclusions as soon as your ex gives a hint of interest. For instance, when your ex likes your new profile picture, don’t suddenly think, “OMG! They still love me! I better call them and say hi.” The whole thing could very well mean absolutely nothing. Have enough self-respect to give your ex another chance only when they contact you directly.
Manage rumination well. Whenever you find yourself obsessing over your ex, cyber-stalking them, or overthinking and overanalyzing what they’ve said or done, gently remind yourself to focus on some other, more productive thought. Then quickly turn to a healthy distraction like exercise, reading, singing, cooking, or playing with pets or children. Bonus points if your distraction involves moving your body!
Know that any X-day no contact rule is bullshit. I already explained the strange popularity, ineffectiveness, and lies behind the X-day no contact rule in this article, this one, and this one. But to give a recap: it’s a marketing ploy. People don’t want to hear how their ex should show willingness to rekindle things by reaching out first before they consider giving them another shot. No, they want to hear what feels good! Wait 30 days or so and reach. And since this feel-good bullshit that objectively doesn’t work and only makes you come across a desperate idiot sells more ex-back products than the painful truth, most “experts” working in this slimy industry swear by it.
This free cheat sheet will explain every step of the re-attraction process, cut out all the confusion, and catapult your chances of getting back with your ex sky-high.Get The Free Cheat Sheet
Principle #3: Invest in your relationship with yourself
The more you invest in yourself, the happier and more attractive you’ll become. But you need to do it with the right motivation.
If you improve yourself solely to impress or ” inspire” your ex to come back or because you want to prove something to them, they will perceive you as unattractive. Whereas if you improve yourself for yourself — because you actually want to — they will perceive you as attractive.
Here are a few guidelines to get you to a place where you can manage your emotional and mental health more confidently if you’re currently struggling with self-improvement.
1. Take Care Of The Basics
Get quality sleep. Specifically, 7-8 hours of sleep per night. Commit to waking up and going to bed at the same time every night. Limit or eliminate caffeine and alcohol. Meditate or exercise in the evening. Turn off any screens a few hours before going to bed. Experiment with sleep-aid devices and supplements. (For more sleep tips, check out this article).
Get or stay in shape. Throw yourself into the gym. Take up jogging. Maybe sign up for hiking or swimming classes. Do what resonates.
Start or maintain healthy eating habits. Cut out or limit sugar and carbohydrates, as well as any processed and fried shit from your diet. And try to eat during similar hours every day.
Keep your hygiene in check. Take a shower. Change your clothing. Clip your nails. Invest in new clothing. Take care of your physical appearance. A breakup is no excuse for being a slob.
Take care of your well-being. If you don’t have any hobbies, go get some or re-engage in old ones. If you’re overworked, take some time off. If you still live with your parents, get your own place and move out. And if you don’t have any responsibilities like studies, work, or child-rearing, go and get some.
2. Calm Yourself Down
Taming your emotions is vital. Because if you let them rip and give into panic, you’ll increase the odds of sabotaging your re-attraction attempts by saying or doing something stupid.
Some effective ways for calming down include journaling, meditation, gratitude practices, yoga, pain-engagement, and therapy, among many others.
Another perk of these modalities is that they help you develop a high level of detachment to whether you’re met with a temporary rejection or fail to rekindle your relationship completely. They help you develop the ability to reign yourself in and calmly choose what emotions you let affect you and what you don’t let affect you — even when it hurts.
Talking of responding to your emotions…
3. Learn To Respond Well To Your Emotions
You probably stumbled across guides teaching you how to stop feeling excited when your ex calls, how to prevent nervousness when you meet them, how to not be jealous when they start dating other people, or how to hold back anger when they tease, test, or block you.
Notice how these things are all framed as “How do I avoid my emotions?” The truth is you can’t avoid them. And besides, having them is normal — so that’s not the problem. The problem is the behavior that your emotions elicit.
For instance, instead of trying to stop being excited when your ex reaches out, try to stop displaying needy behavior due to excitement. Or instead of trying to suppress your anger because your ex didn’t show up for your date, suppress the violent behaviors that you want to carry out.
4. Find Something More Important Than Your Ex
One of the best ways to become more attractive to your ex is to find something more important and meaningful than getting them back — something that gives you direction and purpose despite your breakup and keeps you centered.
This something can be many things: fighting for a cause you believe in, being part of a movement, nurturing another relationship, excelling in your career, engaging some passion, mastering a particular skill, developing some healthy habit, and so forth.
Now the way you find this something is simple, but it does take time and effort. I suggest you start by blocking out 30 minutes of your day each day to think about what you want to do with your life. This is an intimidating prospect for some, but that’s only because we rarely think about it. Give it a stab, and see what you can come up with.
5. Form And Lean On Your Support System
Never suffer alone. Rally up a strong support system that can help you fend off loneliness and make getting through your breakup easier.
Put differently, find empathic and caring people you trust and feel safe to open up to who are willing to listen to your problems and provide heartfelt advice and support. These can be friends, family, peers, or professionals like therapists or counselors.
Once you have a support system in place, lean on it — ask for support, a listening ear, or advice. Just don’t be forceful about it, and don’t expect that everyone has the answers you’re searching for.
6. Start Dating As Soon As Reasonable
Dating is another great way to become more attractive in your ex’s eyes. But don’t start dating right away. I suggest waiting until the idea begins to feel fun and exciting. The last thing you want is to date only to suppress your pain, feel loved again, or prove something to yourself or your ex. That’s a way one ticket to perpetual misery.
Now the true beauty of dating after your breakup is that it pushes you away from the unhealthy scarcity mentality (when you think your ex is their only opportunity for a relationship out there) and pulls you closer to the healthy abundance mentality (when you recognize that regardless of how great your ex is, there are an infinite amount of people like them out there).
This is important because the more abundant your mentality around your ex is, the more assertively and confidently, and thus attractively, you’ll behave.
7. Develop Character
I define character as having a set of interesting hobbies, passions, opinions, and desires that make you stand out when compared to other potential mates your ex has available.
Why is this important? Because it’s standing out that demonstrates investment into yourself. And it’s this investment that fundamentally makes you attractive. Think of it this way: why would your ex ever want to get back with you if you have nothing interesting going for you? Exactly.
Here are some guidelines for developing character:
Develop deeper, more intellectual opinions and share them. For example, instead of just saying, “Yeah, I really enjoyed that movie,” share why you think so. Maybe a certain character reminded you of yourself. Maybe the movie made you think about life differently. Maybe it taught you a valuable lesson. Share these things. Make sure your why is thoughtful.
Think for yourself. Most people simply let society, or most notably, pop culture dictate their likes and dislikes. Go against the wave. Be interesting. Stop and think why you like certain things and why some of them are more popular than others. Then develop a unique opinion based on that knowledge.
Dive into new experiences and develop new tastes. Do you brew beer, write poetry, practice survival in the wilderness, or tinker with hydroponic gardening? What’s your unique selling point? What interesting things are you doing or researching in your spare time? What will make you stand out in your ex’s mind?
8. Raise Your Self-Worth And Lower Your Neediness
Most people develop something called an inferiority gap when they get dumped. They begin to see their ex as above them and themselves as below them worthiness-wise. Put another way: they grow more invested in their ex’s perception of them than their perception of themselves and start prioritizing their ex’s beliefs, views, and thoughts instead of their own.
And it’s because of their inferiority gap they eventually resort to a) altering their behaviors to fit their ex’s desires and get their validation and approval, or b) displaying unethical behaviors and trying to coerce, game, and manipulate their ex into coming back. You don’t need me to tell you how needy and unattractive this is.
Now, the way you close this inferiority gap — a.k.a., raise your self-worth and lower your neediness — is through the following:
- Erecting and asserting healthy boundaries (basically stand up for yourself when necessary).
- Avoiding unattractive behaviors (covert contracts, chasing/pursuing, begging and pleading, acting indifferent, looking for approval, seeking validation, etc.).
- Overcoming limiting beliefs, especially those revolving around your inferiority or inadequacy.
- Cultivating proper vulnerability and unleashing it at every interaction you have with your ex or anyone.
- Applying the other guidelines I explained in this section. Duh!
Principle #4: Ponder If Getting Back With Your Ex Is Even A Good Idea
Most people shouldn’t try to get back with their ex, for the cons far outweigh the pros.
For starters, trying to save your relationship will stain your life with unnecessary stress and stymie your recovery since re-attraction will likely be the main thing on your mind 24/7.
Your ex has also likely moved on already (usually way before they dumped you), rendering any attempts at getting them back wasted effort.
And even if you do mend things, it’s not like the problems you had in the past will suddenly disappear. The same things that turned you off about each other will still be there.
The only people qualified to try to get back with their ex are those who a) are unattached to the outcome (whether they rekindle things or not), b) are content and happy with themselves, and c) know that if they get back with their ex, they could form a healthy relationship with them.
To determine whether or not you’re one of these lucky people, answer me this: why do you want your ex back?
Because you’re afraid of being single? Because you’re miserable and lonely without them? Because you think you’ll never find anyone better? Because can’t imagine having a happy life without them? Because you believe you’re not good, worthy, or skilled enough to find someone better?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you shouldn’t try to get back with your ex. You’re clearly not in the right headspace. I would instead focus on recovery and becoming accepting of being single for now.
But if you answered “no” to all the above questions, and you’re certain that despite missing and loving your ex, you’re happy with yourself and unattached to whether or not you get them back, continue answering four more qualifying questions.
- Are you and your ex compatible? Meaning, do you share similar worldviews, beliefs, and values? (If in doubt, read this article).
- Are you and your ex mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy — do you have toxic tendencies that might damage your relationship in the future? (If in doubt, read this article).
- Do you and your ex know how to love each-other in a healthy way? (If in doubt, read this article).
- Do you know why you broke up and are prepared to work on those flaws to avoid a second breakup? (If in doubt, read this article and this one).
If you answered “yes” to the above questions, you are qualified to pursue reconciliation. But if you answered any of them with a “no,” consider moving on to someone else.
Additional Advice For Those Unsure If They’re Qualified To Get Back With Their Ex
Here’s a nice little mental model to adopt. It’s called The Law Of Fuck Yes Or No. The idea is that if something isn’t a 100% FUCK yes, it’s a 100% FUCK no.
- Don’t know if your ex is compatible = a fuck no for getting back together.
- Unsure if they’re healthy and mature = a fuck no for giving them another shot.
- No idea why you broke up = a fuck no for mending things.
If you think about it, Fuck Yes Or No is a byproduct of everything we have covered until now.
When you improve yourself to the point where you become a non-needy, high-value, and self-worth person who takes care of themselves for themselves, you won’t put up with your ex’s bullshit anymore.
Games, major incompatibles, emotional outbursts, drama, wishy-washiness, excuses why they can’t go out with you… you’ll just have too much self-respect to care about that stuff.
If you don’t see that your ex is on board with getting back together, you’ll simply stop trying to get them back. As you should!
This free cheat sheet will explain every step of the re-attraction process, cut out all the confusion, and catapult your chances of getting back with your ex sky-high.Get The Free Cheat Sheet
Principle #5: Set A Date When Your Ex Reaches Out And Meet up with Them
If your ex reached out (public social media comments don’t count) and they aren’t interested in discussing logistics like children, pets, living arrangements, work, or possessions, they likely still foster feelings for you.
At that point, engage them in a short conversation (for example, a 3-5 text message exchange or a 5-minute call) and, preferably somewhere at the start of it, invite them on a date.
And don’t sweat about calling your date a date — it doesn’t matter. If your ex likes you, they’ll go out with you regardless of how you frame and present the whole thing.
When inviting them out, say something like “Nice hearing from you, tell you what, why don’t we get together again? I’d love to see you. What time are you free next week?”
Now let your ex answer. By this point, you’ll get one of three responses:
1. Your ex commits to a date
Great! Now all you have to do is agree upon a set date and time for your date and show up.
When your ex commits, I’d respond with, “Cool, I’ll see you at X Street on Sunday at X pm. If anything comes up here I’ll call you. And if anything comes up at your end, you have my number. Otherwise, I’ll just see you Sunday. Sounds fair enough?”
That’s it. Make sure your ex accepts these terms, or withdraw the offer. If they still like you, they’ll make the definite date without hesitation.
Now for the first date or two, I recommend you meet up with your ex on neutral ground. You want both of you to feel as comfortable as possible. After the date unfolds, however, and if it unfolds in such a way where you end up kissing, making out, and being all over each other, invite your ex to your place for a romantic dinner or something akin to that, or go to their place. In the end, I encourage you, have sex.
But if your ex is highly flirtatious from the get-go, consider skipping the neutral place and just go straight for the invite to your place (or a trip to theirs). Just be cautious: your ex is just as uncertain as you are, and they don’t have all the answers you may expect them to have concerning getting back together.
2. Your ex doesn’t commit to a date
Fuck it, that’s life. Don’t force or try to persuade or cajole them. Just end the conversation and return to following principle #2.
If they reach out again in the future, invite them out one more time. And if you get turned down even then, stop inviting them altogether — even if they reach out first.
At that point, they’ll either bring up the topic of a date themselves — in which case, set it — or they’ll stop contacting you altogether — in which case, forget about them.
3. Your ex gives a wishy-washy answer
I have to check my schedule… Maybe next week… Let’s just hang out as friends… I have some errands to take care off… I may be late… I don’t know… Don’t mistake these answers for signals your ex will go out with you. A “maybe” is always a “no.”
Whenever you come across a “maybe,” respond with something like: “It sounds like you are unsure of your schedule. Why don’t we just do it another time?” Or, “It sounds like you are unsure. Why don’t you just get in touch with me when you figure out your schedule, and we can plan something then?”
Note: What we’re doing here is polarization and it’s one of the most important parts of getting back with an ex. Read this article if you’d like to learn more about it.
After you say something along these lines, shut up and wait for them to respond. Your ex will either accept your terms and commit to the date, in which case you’re in. Or they’ll respond with silence or an unenthusiastic “okay,” which means you’re out and that you should move on.
Because you don’t want to waste time with your ex if they’re half-interested in seeing you. Those dates are tedious and almost always lead nowhere. You want your ex to be 100% willing, able, and ready to rekindle things.
Generally speaking, the more resistance you encounter when trying to set a date with your ex, the higher the likelihood that they will turn you down, cancel, be a no-show, or ignore/ghost you at some point.
Additional Advice For Dating Your Ex
Setting dates. Be clear about the date, time, and location of your date, and arrange everything over a call or via text. But avoid indulging in mindless chit-chat at all costs. Use your phone only for setting and arranging dates and other logistical hurdles.
Preparing dates. Have them on multiple locations (at least 3) and in the evening. Consider going somewhere you haven’t been before, and be prepared for the worst. Always have a backup plan for your date in cases of, say, rain or snowfall. Never tell your ex where you’ll be going — let it be a surprise.
Approaching dates. Don’t take your ex on expensive dates. Don’t do lunch or mid-day coffee dates. Don’t bring gifts. Only give compliments when your ex earned them, and don’t expect anything back in return. Don’t complain, mope, and whine on your date. Don’t worry about labels (ex-girlfriend, ex-husband, playmate, dating, meeting up, hanging out, etc.). Focus on having fun and hooking up.
Dating locations. A few decent ones: park, bowling alley, dive bar, arcade, nightlife restaurant, road trip, museum, zoo, carnival/amusement park, café/coffee shop, aquarium.
Conversations. Ask more questions and talk less about yourself. But don’t make your date seem like a job interview. Always weave banter, humor, and observant remarks into your conversations. And don’t be afraid to elicit certain topics you’d ask questions about by sharing them yourself.
Connecting. Learn skills for building an emotional connection with your ex. Some suggestions: flirting and teasing, relating, storytelling, sexual compliments, having attractive body language, etc (Shameless plug: I teach all these skills and more in my Radical Re-Attraction Course).
Dealing with tests. A test is when your ex does or says something derogatory, shocking, or offensive to gauge your confidence and self-respect and see how you’ll react. The way you pass a test is to simply show that you’re unaffected by it. (For more information, read this article).
Handling pull aways. This is when your ex suddenly goes from being hot to cold, from affectionate to stand-offish and distant. If this happens to you, consider it a plea for space and back off. Also, consider being more assertive with your boundaries.
Overcoming mixed signals. This is when your ex, for instance, says they love and miss you one day, but ghost and ignore you the next day. Similarly to above point, the solution here is to simply give your ex more space. (For more information, read this article).
Gauging interest. Always look at what your ex does and not what they say or mean. Your ex could keep telling you how much they love or miss you while simultaneously keep rejecting you whenever you invite them out. If you observe their behavior in this case, you can quickly see that they don’t really love you. They are simply letting you down gently. (For more information, read this article).
Getting sexual. If you and your ex haven’t yet kissed by the end of your second date, and/or if you haven’t yet had sex by the end of the fourth one, consider moving on for good. The reason I suggest this approach is because it’s wise to adopt a mechanism that shields you from becoming your ex’s doormat and losing months of your life to the pursuit of futile reconciliation. (For more information, read this article).
Principle #6: Get Back Together With Your Ex (And Stay Together)
Once you’ve gone on a couple of dates with your ex and can sense things are getting more serious — more sex, intimacy, personal conversations, and verbal exchanges of love — then comes the most critical part of getting back together with an ex: re-commitment.
Most people worry about this transition way too much in my opinion. And many experts try to be too clever and anal about it, when the whole thing is actually pretty simple. Here’s how I approach it.
If your ex brings up the topic of getting back together, have the talk, and come to a mutually beneficial decision. And if they haven’t brought it up yet and you can sense you’re already acting like a couple (i.e., you’re spending a lot of time together, kissing, making out, having sex, etc.) bring up the topic yourself. Then let your ex respond.
Maybe they’ll try again, maybe they won’t, and they’ll give an excuse instead. If that happens, respect their decision. How you move forward from there really comes down to your values and boundaries.
If casually dating your ex is something that’s okay with you, keep doing it. But if it’s not, clearly communicate that and part ways. And if you’re feeling really ballsy, consider options like an open relationship or a friends-with-benefits-relationship. As long as you’re congruent with what you want, you’ll be fine, emotionally speaking.
Now, if you got back together with your ex, things can work out. But that’s only if both of you changed.
For relationships don’t end because two people did something wrong to each other. Relationships end because two people are something wrong for each other.
And when I say you and your ex must’ve changed, I’m referring to a couple of things: you both must learn from the breakup, acknowledge your mistakes, alter the behaviors that made you part, partly redefine your values, learn how to accept each other’s flaws, and, most importantly, repair what I call the fundamental components of any healthy relationship: mutual trust, respect, and affection.
To rebuild these components, time and consistent proof of growth and change from both sides are key. People fall out of love slowly over time, impairing mutual trust, respect, and affection. In the same way, they also fall back in love slowly over time, rebuilding that mutual trust, respect and affection.
Problems in rebuilding any of these components could mean that you or your ex have an insecure attachment style, or it could mean that your relationship is flawed in some other fundamental way. If that’s the case, fix the underlying issues before re-committing.
Additional Advice For Making Re-Commitment And A Lasting Relationship Possible
Know that you can work on yourself while you’re dating your ex and still get back together. Sometimes you may start getting serious with them before you have a chance to adequately improve. That is, before you overcome major insecurities, deal with certain anxieties, or alter/accept particular incompatibilities. All of this is normal, and it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.
Don’t give your ex ultimatums. That is, demands for a behavioral change accompanied by a threat with the aim to pressure the other person into doing something they don’t want to do. An example would be when you tell your ex, “either we get back together this week, or I’m never talking to you again!”
Don’t force your ex to give you closure or reasons they left. Sometimes there’s no specific reason why your ex dumped you. Sometimes there is one, but they lie about it. Other times they tell you that reason, and then, shockingly, you’re still not satisfied. And guess what? You’ll never be, regardless of your ex’s response. For closure is not something found in your ex. It’s the attitude you decide upon when you get better emotionally. So stop nagging your ex for closure and let it go.
Always be willing to end your relationship and walk away. Your relationship is not a failure if it ends. Nor is it a success if it stands the test of time. Sometimes it’s simply healthier for two partners to part ways rather than trying to work it out by treating each other like shit, suppressing their needs, altering their identity, and becoming miserable in the process.
Conclusion: What No One Tells You About Getting Back With Your Ex
Below are five simple yet harsh truths about getting an ex back that no one tells you about. For the most part, because they don’t sell.
Everyone will buy “how to get your ex back” products from the person who tells them how they should get their ex back and how easy it is (especially with their “proven system” or whatever). Rarely will anyone buy from the person who tells them the opposite.
Well, fuck you. I’m the latter person.
1. The Odds Of Getting Your Ex Back Permanently Are Shit
Specifically, 15%. (Only 30% of all couples get back together. And only 15% of those 30% actually stay together for the long haul). (3)
This comes at no surprise. I mean, if there was a tried-and-true way to get an ex back, we as a society would have a) figured it out a long time ago, and b) breakups would be wiped out. The world would be flooded with happily committed and married couples. And I’d probably be out of the job.
Yet, don’t lose hope. There are still examples of couples out there who just needed some time apart to gain perspective on their relationship and learn how to make it work. However, if you find yourself in an endless cycle of breaking up and getting back together, then you probably should end things for good.
2. You Don’t Need Your Ex (Even If You Think You Do)
Most people are terrified of letting their ex go. And so they cling to them and try to get them back because they make them feel important and worthy and loved. This, unknowingly, makes them slaves to their exes.
Much of our lives is guided by this sense of scarcity. We mistake the ex that provides — or once provided — for our emotional needs as the needs themselves.
But the truth is, you don’t really need your ex to appreciate, validate and love you again. What you need is to make yourself feel appreciated, validated, and loved.
What you need is you. There are a bazillion ways you can meet your own needs. And all that is required is an ability to do so and the courage to believe that it is possible.
3. There Is No “Right Or Best” Way To Get Your Ex Back
Some ways of getting an ex back are more effective and healthy than others. But ultimately, there is no right or best way.
Even this guide doesn’t paint my way as the right or best one. All it does is lay a rough model for re-attraction that I believe in and that gets, to my knowledge, the best results for my readers.
And look, I know I’ll get shat on for this, but compared to every model for getting an ex back, I think mine is by far the healthiest and most effective. But then again, who am I to say it will be a good fit for you?
4. Your Can Always Find Someone Better Than Your Ex
Getting your ex back is a win-win scenario. If they reach out and you re-commit, great. Hopefully it works out. But if your ex never reaches out and moves on, then also great. You’re now open to meeting someone better. And, believe it or not, you can find someone better.
Your ex is not special. Your ex is not your soulmate. And labeling them as such is an insult to literally millions of other people whom you would find attractive and intelligent and who, unlike your ex, are able and ready and willing to create a future with you…
…A future from which you’ll be able to look back at this period and chuckle, knowing how everything you’re feeling and thinking is so unimportant in the grand scheme of life.
5. The Point Of “How To Get Your Ex Back” Advice Is To Stop
The purpose of ex-back advice, even breakup advice as a whole, is to come to a point where you no longer need it — a point where you eventually leave it behind and move on to a new chapter of your life — with or without your ex.
Yet, too often people can’t do that. They intellectualize the whole re-attraction, look for answers they already have, and get addicted to these articles. The same goes for videos and podcasts.
And having greedy gurus preying on their vulnerabilities every step makes everything worse. Let’s face it, most people posing as breakup coaches in this space don’t want what’s best for you — they want your money. They want to exploit your ex-addiction. They want to make you their bitch.
Please don’t give in. After a month — three at most — opt out of this advice. Stop reading my shit. Stop watching my shit. Stop digesting anything ex-back related. Opt out no matter what. Your mental health will appreciate it.
(Optional) Top Questions On How To Get Your Ex Back
What Makes An Ex Come Back Most Often?
From everything we covered till now, your best bet is a mixture of going no contact and investing in yourself. Specifically in your self-esteem, worth, confidence, and life areas like sleep, health, diet, hygiene, career, social life, hobbies, etc.
How Long Does It Take For An Ex To Come Back?
It depends on many factors: the length, type, and intensity of your relationship, the age bracket you’re in, your attachment type, the amount of neediness you hold, etc. That said, most couples who rekindle things, to my knowledge, do so 1-3 months following their breakup.
When Should I Give Up Trying To Get My Ex Back?
Roughly speaking, if you’re not seeing any progress in re-attracting them in 1-3 months after the breakup, they’re probably over you, and you should stop holding on to hope and let them go for good.
What Is The Best Mindset To Adopt For Re-Attraction?
Before I give the answer, here’s one you should absolutely avoid: I have always been willing to do anything for my ex. I just feel so desperate. They are the one I want. I need to do anything and everything I can to get them back, no matter how long it takes. All I can think about is them. When should I reach out for another chance?
Makes sense? Good. Now here’s one of the many healthy mindsets you can adopt to come across more enticing to your ex: I’m very proud of how I’m handling the breakup. And I actually wish nothing but the best for my ex, even if they find someone else. I know I would be totally fine if we didn’t get back together, still, I do believe we could do something amazing together.
Now transitioning from a particular shade of bad attitude to a good one is far from easy or quick, but it is simple. Apart from applying the rest of the tips from this article, consider engaging in more empowering and realistic self-talk, as well as less self-critique or belittlement. For taking care of the former, read my article on self-esteem. For taking care of the latter, read my article on self-love.
Top Resources For Getting Your Ex Back
- My Re-Attraction Cheat Sheet: a guide with quick information about every step of getting an ex back: how to reach out, become more attractive, handle no contact and dating, transition into and maintain a healthy relationship, and more.
- My Youtube Channel: tune in for new video tutorials and other fun shit relating to getting an ex back every week.
- My Radical Re-Attraction Course: an interactive video course that teaches you how to permanently get your ex back without tricks, games, or looking desperate.
- Change Your Mind About Getting Your Ex Back: this article is an exemplification of how getting an ex back might look like if you weren’t being needy and desperate all the damn time.
- The Ultimate Guide To The No Contact Rule: a deep dive into the most powerful breakup recovery and re-attraction method known to man.
- Exposing The 30-Day No Contact Rule Scam: a definitive critique of the 30-day no contact rule. In this article, I talk about why it generally doesn’t work, the rare few occasions where it does, and what to do instead.
- The Staggering Bullshit Of The “Get Your Ex Back” Gurus: ex-back gurus are essentially shoddy and overhyped product peddlers who exploit your — the potential customers’ — insecurities and heartbreak for profit. These people are sadly a recurring theme at the moment, and more of them keep popping up every day. The aforementioned article aims to help you tell the difference between a “guru” and someone who actually knows what they’re talking about and has your best interest in mind.
This free cheat sheet will explain every step of the re-attraction process, cut out all the confusion, and catapult your chances of getting back with your ex sky-high.Get The Free Cheat Sheet
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