The Do’s And Don’ts Of Being Friends With An Ex

Let’s be real. Most of you reading are probably thinking something along these lines:

Should I remain friends with my ex? If I continue to stay in their orbit, they might appreciate my presence and realize what they had with me. Eventually, they might even respect and trust me again. Maybe if they see that there are no better options out there, they’ll give our relationship another shot. I mean, what’s the alternative? Cutting communication with them and letting go? That sounds painful as fuck… Nah, I don’t wanna risk it. I don’t want to risk losing them completely. So, friends, it is…

Can you notice the problem with this approach, with this mentality? It’s entirely based on fear of loss, mainly generated by your neediness and lack of self-worth. Isn’t that perhaps how you got yourself into this mess in the first place?

It’s at this point that you must understand that your fear of not getting your ex back will drive you to do pretty much anything, even things that will negatively affect your recovery and your chances of getting back together — things like being friends with them.

So don’t fucking do it.

Your willingness to stay friends with your ex propels you to remain emotionally dependent upon them, prolongs your recovery, and sub-communicates to them that you’re okay with being placed in the friend zone.

And then you risk ending up in a sexually repressed, deceitful relationship that only generates unnecessary drama and ultimately hurts both of you and keeps you apart romantically.

Besides, you don’t even want a friendship with your ex.

Do you really want to be there with them, holding back your affection and unable to make love to them? Do you really want to hear stories like how they got shitfaced at a party and then made out with some random person there? Do you really want to be the person giving your ex dating and relationship advice when they eventually find someone new?

Really squeeze your brain here.

Do you actually want to be “just friends” with your ex — or is this a ploy to get them back as a romantic partner? Is friendship the end, or is it merely a means to some greater, possibly covert end?

If you’re like most people, you don’t want to be friends with your ex. You just like to flirt with the idea of using friendship as a backdoor to a rekindled relationship. But that shit never works out.

Your ex will sooner or later notice what you’re trying to do, and they will be turned off by it. And justifiably so! Consciously or unconsciously, taking this approach is blatant manipulation.

The only true and healthy approach to getting back with your ex is to first let them go. Fuck friendships. Do your ex and yourself a favor, and don’t place yourself in a situation that will only damage your mental and emotional health.

Hell, don’t be friends with your ex even if they insist — you don’t want to reward them for their bad behavior, after all. Think about it like this: let’s say I punch you in the face, hard. If you then told me, “Sorry for standing in the way of your fist, Max. Please forgive me. Here’s a burrito for you,” you’re only enabling more of my shitty behavior. After our interaction is over, what have I learned? I learned that punches = free burritos. And I fucking love burritos.

Likewise, don’t be friends with your ex even if you work or live together or share kids or pets. What you should do instead is simply be friendly toward each other. That, and keep your conversations respectful, formal, and to the point. And try to have them only when dealing with logistical issues, like who will look after the kid for the weekend or who will do what part of a shared work project.

Oh yeah, and don’t you even think about being friends with benefits with your ex — while it may work out for a minority of people, most will go crazy with jealousy in this kind of configuration.

Look, I know this ain’t easy. I know that letting go of an ex is scary and feels like you’re relinquishing control. I get that it makes you feel like you’re solving a problem by doing nothing to tackle that problem — and you hate that feeling.

But can you just shut the fuck up for a second!?

You need to let go — you need this shit. Counterintuitively, it’s “doing nothing and letting go” that’s your best shot at raising your ex’s attraction, getting back with them, and even recovering from the breakup.

Having said all the above, there is an instance where you can be friends with your ex.

For starters, this is when your friendship sprouts up organically. Meaning as a result of you and your ex randomly bumping into each other or crossing paths while moving forward with your respective lives. That, and when there are absolutely no shards of emotional baggage or the desire of wanting to get back together present on either side.

If these two conditions aren’t met, don’t be friends with your ex — fuck friendship.