I get it. You want to know the chances of getting your ex back, so you’re educating yourself on the signs that will help you determine those chances. I commend you for your commitment. But here’s some sobering advice.
The more you obsess over the signs your ex will eventually come back (or your chances of reconciliation in general), the likelier it is that you’ll sabotage the entire re-attraction process and hinder your emotional well-being and spiritual health. Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing toxic about being aware of these. The toxic part is obsessing about them.
Luckily, there is a healthier alternative to determining the odds of reconciliation. And in this article, I’ll cover it in detail. But let’s start from the beginning, so we’re all on the same page about what we’re even discussing.
Do Exes Even Come Back
Most of us enter the “get your ex back” world not even knowing a lot of our beliefs about reconciliation are skewed to begin with. So let’s first get clear about whether exes even come back.
In short, they usually don’t. Most exes do not come back. And even if they do, keeping them after you get back together is even less likely to happen.
To my knowledge, the only legit statistics on couples who broke up and got back together are from Kevin Thompson. Kevin made a 3000+ participant study in which he found that about 30% of them reconciled with their ex. However, only 15% actually stayed with their ex for good. The other 15% split, yet again, a year or so later.
A skeptic would ask me, why do I think this guy is legit? I mean, he is operating in the “get your ex back” industry, which is notorious for ripping people off with false hope, false promises, false information, false everything.
Well, for one, I’m getting near identical results with my clients. About 15-30% of those who want their ex back actually do get them back and stay with them long term. And Kevin and I are also not the only ones getting these kinds of numbers. Other legit personalities are stumbling on them. Jesse Martin, a breakup coach, and Corey Wayne, a renowned life coach, being the most vocal.
Again, a skeptic may ask, why trust the two? It’s simple. Even though they help people get their ex back, their business is not based on that premise alone. In fact, that topic takes a minor role in their business. Therefore, making up some lofty statistics about whether an ex will come back or not is not all that beneficial for them. Plus, they both have squeaky clean track records: no overhyped products, shady marketing, false scarcity, or hyper-promotional (see: spammy) behaviors.
Ultimately, we could argue that the odds of getting your ex back and keeping them are somewhere between 10% and 30%. Still, the answer can quickly boil down to “it depends…”
(I know, I know… everyone hates that answer.)
…It depends on:
- The length of your relationship.
- The intensity of the emotional connection you shared with your ex.
- The frequency of met and unmet emotional needs.
- The amount of mutual respect and trust between you and your.
- The compatibility of your unique communication styles.
- The overall compatibility of your values, beliefs, and lifestyle choices.
- The commitment level you shared.
- The age bracket you and your ex fall into.
- The attraction level your ex had or still has for you.
And apart from the above, there are plenty more factors that influence how often exes come back. Factors so intricate and vague that they’re almost entirely unmeasurable. And that’s all fine because that’s how relationships are: inherently complex, chaotic, and unpredictable.
Signs your ex will eventually come back
Reconciliation can take on a few different forms, but I’ve found a number of telltale signs that indicate your ex will come back that many people overlook due to being blinded by high levels of attraction. Below are 15 of such signs.
1. Your ex contacts you on the regular. They may suddenly call you and ask how you’re doing or text you about a movie that reminded them of you. The context of their messages/calls, romantic or not, doesn’t matter much. Any form of contact from your ex indicates interest on their part. Even the occasional, mind-boggling, “Hi.”
2. Your ex responds quickly and enthusiastically. This would be a fair offshoot of the previous sign. If your ex’s contact is quick and filled to the brim with enthusiasm in the form of colorful emojis, then, odds are, they still like you. But if their contact is reserved, heartless, or nonexistent, then they probably don’t feel all that great about you. Who would’ve guessed?
3. Your ex lingers near your orbit. Sometimes your ex will purposefully go places where they know you’ll be at. So if you keep seeing your ex wherever you go, it might be a sign that they are trying to communicate how they want you back. But then again, it could just be a bias-driven coincidence. Sorry.
4. Your ex wants to spend time with you. Maybe they call you, text you, or tell you this in person. In any case, it’s an obvious sign of interest. Hell, it’s not even a fucking sign. It’s a giant billboard with the words,” Take me back, daddy,” written on it.
5. Your ex hangs out with your friends. Pretty self-explanatory. If your ex keeps hanging out with your friends — this excludes mutual friends — after your breakup, then they’re probably curious about you. Hence, they probably still like you.
6. You broke up with your ex for external factors. Sometimes breakups don’t occur as a result of incompatibility or toxic tendencies. They occur because of external factors, like long-distance or familial/peer/societal pressure. Still, these kinds of breakups are rare. In most cases, people simply lie to their exes about why their relationship didn’t work to protect their feelings. It’s way easier to tell a person, “I left you because of the distance,” as opposed to saying, “I left you because you’re a spineless, clingy, and desperate little bitch.”
7. Your ex is second-guessing the breakup. We all second-guess our breakups. So it’s normal if your ex does it from time to time, and it doesn’t mean anything if they do it once or twice. But if they keep second-guessing — maybe even obsessing — about it, then it could be a sign that they want you back.
8. Your breakup was never official. If your ex never told anyone that they broke up with you, it could indicate that they want you back. But then again, they may be just shy about telling others that they broke up with you. This is usually the case with younger couples. 20 to 30-year-olds, to be exact.
9. Your ex keeps drunk-texting you. As was the case with a previous sign, I wouldn’t think much about it if it happened once or twice. But if your ex keeps drunk-texting you consistently over the following weeks, they probably still have unresolved feelings for you.
1o. You have an on/off relationship with your ex. An on/off relationship is a toxic relationship where two people frequently keep breaking up and getting back together. It’s the dance between the love avoidant and the love addict; the anxiously attached and the avoidantly attached; the perennial giver and the perennial taker. Pro tip: get the fuck out of there. Please break up for real, and immediately after, work on healing.
11. You broke up with your ex in the heat of the moment. Sometimes emotions make us say and do things we didn’t really want to say and do. One of which is ending our relationship or calling our ex some degenerate slur so they end it. If that’s the case with your breakup, maybe you still have a chance to turn the whole thing around. Hence, regard it as a sign that your ex may come back in the future.
12. Your ex stays in touch with your family. When determining if this is an actual sign that your ex wants you back, you must consider the whole context. Ask yourself, why are they staying in contact with your family? If they don’t have any good reason to do so, it probably is a sign of interest, but if not — if they’re just “tight” with them — then it’s usually not a sign of interest.
13. Your ex’s friends and family still contact you. This is a tricky sign. Out of the two, I would lean on the side that if your ex’s friends contact you, perhaps surprisingly enthusiastically, then there’s a good chance your ex still feels something for you. But if it’s only their parents who contact you, I wouldn’t think much about it. While it can be a sign, it’s usually not.
14. Your ex blocks and unblocks you. If your ex blocks you and then randomly unblocks you one day, there’s a small chance that they still like you. And I say “small” because normally, these block-unblock gestures are simply made out of kindness and not necessarily a desire to reconcile.
15. Your ex keeps making social media posts about you. Is your ex splattering their social media profiles with cringeworthy inspirational quotes, sayings about empowerment and independence, or with just about anything that’s out of the ordinary? Well, if that’s the case, it’s because they still aren’t over you. (Remember: no stalking.)
Why you shouldn’t obsess over the signs your ex will eventually come back
For one, most of the signs you read online are bullshit and not worth fussing about. Then there’s the whole issue with the stress and self-sabotage they produce and the ever-expanding fear they trigger in a person. Let’s unpack each point in its entirety.
Below are four signs that keep popping up across many authority breakup-advice sites. These are the sort of signs I would deem inaccurate at best, dangerous at worst.
1. Your ex wants you back if they express happiness about your achievement/growth. Meaning they congratulate, compliment, and tell you how much you’ve changed for the better. Okay fuckface, what 5$-a-page-Fiverr-writer came up with this shit? Countless people (including myself) have no problem expressing happiness towards their exes, even when they don’t want them back.
2. Your ex wants you back if they’re nostalgic. Again, what the fuck? Who wrote this? People get nostalgic about their exes all the time, even when they don’t want them back. Hell, the same philosophy applies to all other areas of life. I get nostalgic for my one-night stands. I get nostalgic for my shallow parting buddies. I get nostalgic for waking up in the middle of the street, shitfaced. But guess what? Even though I’m nostalgic about these experiences — sometimes even teary-eyed — I would never go back.
3. Your ex wants you back if you had a good relationship and a lot of chemistry with them. Sometimes I wonder if breakup advice is written for 12-year-olds. Saying that a good relationship (without ever defining what “good” even means) and high chemistry with an ex equates to a sign that they’ll come back is absurd. It just doesn’t make sense.
4. You (or your ex) understand what lead to the breakup and if it can be fixed. This one never made sense to me. I know for a fact everything I’ve done wrong in my previous relationships, including what my exes done wrong, and I still wouldn’t go back to any of them. And it’s not just me, it’s my friends, family and clients. You or your ex knowing what went wrong in a relationship is by no means a sign that they will come back.
2. Stress and self-sabotage
There’s a general consensus in psychology: the more you obsess about something, the more stressed and frustrated you’ll feel. And the more stressed and frustrated you feel, the higher the chances of performing irrational, needy, and self-destructive behaviors get.
In your case, these behaviors include: spamming your ex’s phone, showing up at their place unannounced, sending them cheesy love letters, overanalyzing their every response, attempting to “game them“, or stalking them on social media, and accidentally liking a post from 2015.
Sometimes obsessing over the signs your ex will eventually come back can even lead to rumination. Rumination is a tendency that causes a person to spend an inordinate amount of time worrying, figuring out, trying to understand, analysing or clarifying thought or theme. It’s also one of the core characteristics of OCD (Obsessive Impulsive Disorder). (1)
If you simply can’t get your ex out of your mind, seek therapy. Specifically, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, which is aimed at helping people with rumination and obsessive thought patterns.
3. Unnecessary fear
When I was a kid, I was terrified of air travel. I feared that it was only a matter of time before the plane’s engine malfunctions and made the whole bird crash. So whenever I got onto a plane, all I could think of were things blowing up in my ugly 1o-year-old face. And the more I focused on the explosion and fire and smoke and the screaming people that swooshed out of an airborne plane like confetti, the more my fear expanded, blinding me from reality. Suddenly, things like turbulence, flickering lights, and tired expressions of the stewardess all became signs of impending doom.
The mental vomit I’ve gone through in my childhood is the same mental vomit you’ll go through if you keep obsessing over the signs your ex will eventually come back.
For example, when they ask you for their stuff back, you might jump to the conclusion that they want to rekindle things, and so you start acting like you’re together again. In reality, your ex just wanted their damn stuff back.
Or when they like your new Facebook profile picture, and you immediately think that they still love you, and so you shoot them a sappy text message about getting together again. In reality, your ex doesn’t love you. They simply liked the photo because of a random emotional high that went away as quickly as it manifested.
A Better Way To Determine If Your Ex Will Come Back
Do you think it’s possible to rebuild yourself and turn your entire life around if you’re using most of your mental capacity and waking energy to focus on your ex and the signs they’ll come back?
If you really want to improve the chances of getting your ex back, stop obsessing about them. And while this is difficult, it is worth it. Below are just some of the benefits you’ll experience when you shift your focus from your ex to what actually matters — you.
- You’ll preserve mental energy that you can then direct toward personal growth and breakup recovery.
- You’ll become less reactive towards your ex, thus more attractive, thus the likelihood of them reaching out skyrockets.
- You’ll have more time to think about why you broke up, learn from your mistakes, and not screw up again in the same way.
- You’ll stop asking yourself, “Will my ex come back,” or “Do exes come back,” and rather focus on what actually matters: whether getting back with your ex is worth it (most of the time, it’s not).
Counterintuitively, it’s the silence of focusing and investing in yourself that will spark your ex’s attraction and make them want you again. And then it’s the change you make in yourself (and the change they make in themselves) that will keep the two of you together. It’s that simple.
So stop fussing over signs your ex will eventually come back before you burst a blood vessel. If they ever want you back, they will let you know. They will message you, call you, or in some way, shape, or form, communicate that they want to try again. Be that in the form of a committed relationship, friends with benefits type relationship, or casual dating.
Worst-case scenario, if your ex never contacts you again or blatantly rejects your reconnection attempts, it’s still a win. In time you’ll feel better. You’ll heal. You’ll find new sources of meaning devoid of them. And life, well… life will do what it always does: it will go on.
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