I get it. You want to know the chances of getting your ex back, so you’re educating yourself on the signs that will help you determine those chances. I commend you for your commitment. But here’s some sobering advice that you should know.
The more you obsess over the signs your ex will eventually come back, the higher your chances get of sabotaging the entire re-attraction process. Plus, the whole thing is toxic for your well-being, productivity, and emotional and spiritual health.
Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing toxic about knowing or being aware of the signs your ex might come back. The toxic part is obsessing about them. Most people won’t tell you this, and chances are, you’re probably looking funny at me right now, but I’m spewing truth here. And, I’ll prove it to you.
Below, I’ll go over 15 imperative signs indicating your ex might come back, so we’re all on the same page about what we’re discussing, and then I’ll explain the consequences of obsessing vs. simply keeping those signs in mind.
Signs your ex will eventually come back
1. Your ex contacts you on the regular. They may suddenly call you and ask how you’re doing or text you about a movie that reminded them of you. The context of their messages/calls, romantic or not, doesn’t matter much. Any form of contact from your ex indicates interest on their part. Even the occasional, mind-boggling, “Hi.”
2. Your ex responds quickly and enthusiastically. This would be a fair offshoot of the previous sign. If your ex’s contact is quick and filled to the brim with enthusiasm in the form of colorful emojis, then, odds are, they still like you. But if their contact is reserved, heartless, or nonexistent, then they probably don’t feel all that great about you. Who would’ve guessed?
3. Your ex lingers near your orbit. Sometimes your ex will purposefully go places where they know you’ll be at. So if you keep seeing your ex wherever you go, it might be a sign that they are trying to communicate how they want you back. But then again, it could just be a bias-driven coincidence. Sorry.
4. Your ex wants to spend time with you. Maybe they call you, text you, or tell you this in-person. In any case, it’s an obvious sign of interest. Hell, it’s not even a fucking sign. It’s a giant billboard with the words,” Take me back, daddy,” written on it.
5. Your ex hangs out with your friends. Pretty self-explanatory. If your ex keeps hanging out with your friends — this excludes mutual friends — after your breakup, then they’re probably curious about you. Hence, they probably still like you.
6. You broke up with your ex for external factors. Sometimes breakups don’t occur as a result of incompatibility or toxic tendencies. They occur because of external factors, like long-distance or familial/peer/societal pressure. Still, these kinds of breakups are rare. In most cases, people simply lie to their exes about why their relationship didn’t work to protect their feelings. It’s way easier to tell a person, “I left you because of the distance,” as opposed to saying, “I left you because you’re a spineless, clingy, and desperate little bitch.”
7. Your ex is second-guessing the breakup. We all second-guess our breakups. So it’s normal if your ex does it from time to time, and it doesn’t mean anything if they do it once or twice. But if they keep second-guessing — maybe even obsessing — about it, then it could be a sign that they want you back.
8. Your breakup was never official. If your ex never told anyone that they broke up with you, it could indicate that they want you back. But then again, they may be just shy about telling others that they broke up with you. This is usually the case with younger couples. 20 to 30-year-olds, to be exact.
9. Your ex keeps drunk-texting you. As was the case with a previous sign, I wouldn’t think much about it if it happens once or twice. But if your ex keeps drunk-texting you consistently over the following weeks, they probably still have unresolved feelings for you.
1o. You have an on/off relationship with your ex. An on/off relationship is a form of a toxic relationship where two people frequently keep breaking up and getting back together. It’s the dance between the love avoidant and the love addict; the anxiously attached and the avoidantly attached; the perennial giver and the perennial taker. Pro tip: get the fuck out of there. Please break up for real, and immediately after, work on healing.
11. You broke up with your ex in the heat of the moment. Sometimes emotions make us say and do things we didn’t really want to say and do. One of which is ending our relationship or calling our ex some degenerate slur so they end it. If that’s the case with your breakup, maybe you still have a chance to turn the whole thing around. Hence, regard it as a sign that your ex may come back in the future.
12. Your ex stays in touch with your family. When determining if this is an actual sign that your ex wants you back, you must consider the whole context. Ask yourself, why are they staying in contact with your family? If they don’t have any good reason to do so, it probably is a sign of interest, but if not — if they’re just “tight” with them — then it’s usually not a sign of interest.
13. Your ex’s friends and family still contact you. This is a tricky sign. Out of the two, I would lean on the side that if your ex’s friends contact you, perhaps surprisingly enthusiastically, then there’s a good chance your ex still feels something for you. But if it’s only their parents who contact you, I wouldn’t think much about it. While it can be a sign, it’s usually not.
14. Your ex blocks and unblocks you. If your ex blocks you one day, but then, at some random point you’d never expect, unblocks you, there’s a small chance that they still like you. And I say, “small chance” because normally, these block-unblock gestures are simply made out of kindness and not necessarily a desire to reconcile.
15. Your ex keeps making social media posts about you. Is your ex splattering their social media profiles with cringeworthy inspirational quotes, sayings about empowerment and independence, or with just about anything that’s out of the ordinary? Well, if that’s the case, it’s because they still aren’t over you. (Remember: no stalking.)
Why you shouldn’t obsess over the signs your ex will come back
For one, most of the signs you notice or read about are bullshit and thus not worth obsessing or even thinking about. For example, let’s go over three of them that keep popping up across many authority breakup-advice sites. These are the sort of signs I would, at best, deem inaccurate and wrong. And at worst, dangerous.
1. Your ex wants you back if they express happiness about your achievement/growth. Meaning they congratulate, compliment, and tell you how much you’ve changed for the better. Okay fuckface, what 5$-a-page-Fiverr-writer came up with this shit? Countless people (including myself) have no problem expressing happiness towards their exes, even when they don’t want them back.
2. Your ex wants you back if they’re nostalgic. Again, what the fuck? Who wrote this? People get nostalgic about their exes all the time, even when they don’t want them back. Hell, the same philosophy applies to all other areas of life. I get nostalgic for my one-night stands. I get nostalgic for my shallow parting buddies. I get nostalgic for waking up in the middle of the street, shitfaced. But guess what? Even though I’m nostalgic about these experiences — sometimes even teary-eyed — I would never go back.
3. Your ex wants you back if you had a good relationship and a lot of chemistry with them. Sometimes I wonder if breakup advice is written for 12-year-olds. Saying that a good relationship (without ever defining what “good” even means) and high chemistry with an ex equates to a sign that they’ll come back is absurd. It just doesn’t make sense.
The next reason you shouldn’t obsess over the signs your ex will return is the stress the fixation produces.
There’s a general consensus in psychology that goes like this: the more you obsess about something, the more you stress and frustrate yourself. And the more stressed and frustrated you feel, the higher the chances of performing irrational, needy, and self-destructive behaviors get.
In your case, these behaviors include: spamming your ex’s phone, sending them love letters, overanalyzing their every response, attempting to “game them“, and stalking them on social media, and accidentally liking a post from 2015. Yikes!
The final reason why obsessing over the signs your ex will eventually come back is dangerous is tied to ever-expanding fear. Let me illustrate.
When I was a kid, I was terrified of air travel. I feared that it’s only a matter of time before the plane’s engine malfunctions and makes the whole bird crash. So whenever I got onto a plane, all I could think of were things blowing up in my ugly 1o-year-old face. And the more I focused on the explosion and fire and smoke and the screaming people that swooshed out of an airborne plane like confetti, the more my fear expanded.
Thus, it blinded me from reality and made me overthink things: turbulence, flickering lights, and tired expressions of the stewardess all became signs of impending doom.
The mental vomit I’ve gone through in my childhood is the same mental vomit you might be experiencing at the moment.
When your ex asks you for their stuff back, you might jump to the conclusion that they want to rekindle things, and so you start acting like you’re together again. In reality, they just wanted their damn stuff back. Or when your ex likes your new Facebook profile picture, you think they still love you, so you shoot them a sappy text message about getting together again. In reality, your ex doesn’t love you. They simply liked the photo because of a random emotional high that went away as quickly as it manifested.
Relax. Chill. If you want to improve the chances of getting your ex back, stop obsessing about them. I know this is difficult. But it is possible. And to motivate you even further, here’s what will happen when you shift your focus from your ex, the signs, and the chances of reconciliation to what actually matters — you.
The benefits of focusing on yourself
First, by focusing on yourself, you’ll free your mind of unnecessary stress, worry, and frustration. You’ll also preserve a lot of mental energy this way — the energy you can now direct toward things that actually matter: recovery, well-being, and personal development.
And by the way, when you stop fussing about your chances of reconciliation, you often become unreactive to your ex, or at least less reactive. This trait is very attractive and will often make your ex reach out. When that happens, all you have to do is invite them on a date. If they accept, you’ll likely end up getting back together.
Second, by focusing on yourself, you can detect why your relationship didn’t work out much faster. You have a big reserve of mental energy for the task since you’re not fussing about your ex, after all.
Seriously. Take the time to think about this. Why hasn’t your relationship worked out? Incompatibility? Toxic tendencies? Buttloads of daddy issues? Mistakes on your part? The sooner you find these answers, the better your chances become of making your next relationship last — be that with your ex or with someone new.
I mean, think about it.
If your relationship failed because you wanted kids while your ex didn’t, now you know that your next partner should probably also want kids. If your relationship failed because your ex was a serial cheater, now you know that it’s a bad idea to commit to anyone with a history of cheating. If your relationship failed because you had weak boundaries and allowed your ex to walk all over you, now you know that you need to quit being a spineless pleaser.
Third, by focusing on yourself, you can adequately determine if getting your ex back is even a good idea. How do you determine this? You observe your intentions.
If your desire to get back with your ex comes from a place of unattached and unconditional love — a place where you don’t try to force or entice them to return, nor do you expect them to — give it a stab. Maybe it’s worth a try. Maybe things will work out just fine.
But, if your desire comes from a place of fear — the fear you’ll never meet anyone better or the fear that no one will ever love you the same way as your ex did — I would focus on letting them go. Whenever you’re trying to get an ex back out of fear or insecurity, your reconciliation attempts will frequently backfire, and you’ll only push your ex farther away from you instead of pulling them closer.
A Bitter Pill: If you’re reading articles like this one, you probably want to rekindle things out of fear, not love. It’s okay. I’m not judging, mocking, or calling you a bad person by any means. I’m merely stating my observations. Use them to help yourself. So, when you find yourself digesting little-to-no “ex-back” advice, then it’s safe to say that you may be in a place where you want your ex out of genuine love or at least not purely out of fear — thus attempting reconciliation is justifiable.
A BETTER WAY TO DETERMINE IF YOUR EX WILL COME BACK
Answer me this: do you think it’s possible to rebuild yourself and turn your entire life around if you’re using most of your mental capacity and waking energy to focus on your ex, your chances, and the signs they’ll come back?
So let me repeat: let your ex go and focus on yourself even when you want them back. Counterintuitively, it’s this infinite silence that will spark their attraction and make them want you again. And then it’s the change you make in yourself (and the change they make in themselves) that will keep the two of you together — permanently.
So stop fussing over signs so much. If your ex ever wants you back, they will let you know. They will message you. They will call you. They will, in some way, shape, or form, communicate that they want to try again. Be that in the form of a committed relationship, friends with benefits type relationship, or casual dating. Whatever.
And worst-case scenario, if none of that occurs; if your ex never contacts you again and blatantly rejects your reconnection attempts, it’s still a win. In time you’ll feel better, you’ll heal, you’ll find new sources of meaning devoid of anything ex-related, and life, well… life will do what it always does: it will go on.
Cover photo is by Grandfailure via 123RF.
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