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I get it. You want to know the chances of getting your ex back, so you’re educating yourself on the signs that will help you determine those chances — the signs your ex will eventually come back. I commend you for your commitment. But here’s some sobering advice.
The more you obsess over these signs (or whether or not your ex will come back in general), the likelier it is that you’ll mutilate your emotional well-being and sabotage yourself when rekindling things with your ex.
Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing bad about being aware of the signs your ex will eventually come back. The bad part is obsessing about them. Luckily, there is a healthier alternative to the whole thing. But before I get into it, let me start from the beginning so you’ll know what we’re even discussing.
Do Exes Even Come Back
The answer is no. Most exes don’t come back. And even if they do, keeping them after you get back together is even less likely to happen.
That said, the only legit statistics on couples who broke up and got back together that we have are from Kevin Thompson. Kevin made a 3000+ participant study in which he found that about 30% of them reconciled with their ex, but only 15% actually stayed together for good. The other 15% split again about a year later. (1)
A skeptic would ask me, why trust this guy? He’s operating in the “get your ex back” industry, after all. An industry notorious for ripping people off.
Trust him because I, and a bunch of other legit personalities, are stumbling on the same results. Jesse Martin from Rapid Breakup Recovery, Rory from The Love Chat, and Corey Wayne from Understanding Relationships being the most vocal. (2) (3) (4)
Again, a skeptic may ask, why trust these people?
Well, even though Jesse, Rory, and Corey help people get their ex back, their business is not based on that premise alone. The topic takes a backseat role in it. So making up some crazy statistics about whether exes come back or not is not of much use to them. It’s also a good sign that their online businesses have no history of overhyped products, shady marketing, or hyper-promotional and spammy behaviors.
What Influences The Odds Of Your Ex Coming Back
There are many factors to consider:
- The length of your relationship.
- The intensity of the emotional connection you shared with your ex.
- The frequency of met and unmet emotional needs.
- The amount of mutual respect and trust between you.
- The compatibility of your unique communication styles.
- The compatibility of your values, beliefs, and lifestyle choices.
- The commitment level you shared.
- The age bracket you fall into.
- The attraction level your ex has for you.
There are plenty more factors that influence how often exes come back. Factors so intricate and vague that they’re almost entirely unmeasurable. And that’s fine because that’s how relationships are — complex, chaotic, unpredictable. You’ve just got to stomach this uncomfortable reality.
The Signs Your Ex Will Eventually Come Back
Below are 32 signs your ex will eventually come back. To be clear: just because your ex displays them, doesn’t necessarily mean they actually will get back together with you. Think of them more as signals of high interest and not necessarily guarantees for reconciliation.
1. Your ex initiates contact. The context is (usually) irrelevant. If they initiated it (assuming they aren’t interested in discussing logistics like children, pets, living arrangements, work, or possessions), it’s a sign they’ll come back.
2. Your ex contacts you regularly and responds quickly and enthusiastically. The more frequently these things happen, the higher the likelihood they’ll come back.
3. Your ex is curious about you. For example, they keep asking how you’re doing, how your studies are going, how your career is unfolding, or even how your dating life is turning out. The more questions they ask, and the more personal and inquisitive, the more plausible a reconciliation.
4. Your ex keeps contacting you even though you’ve told them to stop. Translation: they’re panicking. On the one hand, this is good; it raises the odds of your ex coming back. But on the other, it can be downright disastrous. You can’t build a stable and healthy relationship on a bedrock of panic.
5. Your ex drunk-texts or drunk-calls you. You know those 1 am monologues you get about how much your ex hates you yet misses you, but only because they want to fuck you, but then again, would consider something more serious. Good shit.
6. Your ex reaches out on special occasions/holidays. If your breakup happened a long time ago, this probably isn’t a sign your ex will come back but a gesture of kindness. However, if your breakup happened recently, it might be.
7. Your ex keeps creating excuses to talk to you. “I just remembered I left XYZ at your place?” or “I just want to know how your family is doing?.” The truth is, they couldn’t care less about these things. They’re just using them to get in touch with you because they want you and are probably too scared (or don’t know how) to tell you that upfront.
8. Your ex apologizes for what went wrong. They own their mistakes and express them. For instance, they say, “I’m sorry I acted so controlling when we were together. I know I have a problem. I’m getting help tomorrow.”
9. Your ex prolongs your conversations. This means that whenever you’d like to end a conversation, they come up with more questions to keep you from getting away. So if you notice your ex is prolonging conversations that should have ended ten exchanges ago, it’s probably a sign they’ll come back.
10. Your ex brings up past hurts. For example, they tell you, “When you did XYZ, it made me feel let down/unloved/hurt.” Statements like that indicate that your ex still cares, so interpret them as signs they’ll come back.
11. Your ex brings up old memories in good light. For example, “Remember the time when we went to that park, and I snorted cocaine off your tits while you were having an epileptic seizure. Yeah, good times.”
12. Your ex places themselves into your orbit. Sometimes they’ll purposefully go places where you’ll be at. So if you keep seeing them wherever you go, it might be because they’re deliberately placing themselves there to make it easy for you to re-attract them.
13. Your ex makes non-accidental eye contact. Humans are wired to make eye contact with whatever they find interesting and are curious about. So if your ex keeps looking at you when you’re in the same place or if they stare at you while you talk, they’re probably still interested.
14. Your ex displays positive body language. For instance, whenever you’re around, they check you out, face toward you, smile a lot when interacting, and laugh too much when you’re telling them stupid or corny jokes that you know aren’t funny.
15. Your ex is standing close to you while you’re talking to them. If they’re standing slightly within your bubble of personal space, you could consider it a sign they’ll come back.
16. Your ex approaches you. This goes without saying, although a lot of people are oblivious to it. If you’re going about your day and suddenly your ex approaches you, it’s a sign they’ll come back.
17. Your ex ditches their friends for you. Meaning they cancel their plans and leave their friends behind so they can spend more time with you. This is often a difficult thing to do for your ex, so consider it a huge sign they’ll come back if they do it.
18. Your ex stays in touch with your family. Always consider the context in this case. If they don’t have any good reason to stay in touch, it’s probably a sign they’ll come back. But if they’re simply close with your family, it usually means nothing.
19. Your ex hangs out/contacts your friends and asks about you. For example, they ask them about what you’re doing, how you’re feeling, what’s going on in your life, and whether or not you missed or mentioned or still love them. An offshoot of this sign would be when your ex gets their friends to contact you to tell you something in their name.
20. Your ex defends you. Meaning they jump to your defense and often take your side when, say, certain people are talking shit about you. They’re sub-communicating that they’re on your team and that you can rely on them. It’s a massive sign they’ll come back.
21. Your ex blocks and unblocks you. Normally, these block-unblock gestures are simply made out of kindness, so I wouldn’t think much about them. But if your ex keeps blocking and unblocking you repeatedly, then that’s probably a sign they’ll come back.
22. Your ex keeps making social media posts about you. Meaning they’re splattering their social media with cringeworthy inspirational quotes, sayings about empowerment and independence, or just about anything out of the ordinary.
23. Your ex tries to make you jealous. For example, they start posting provocative pictures with attractive people of the opposite sex or begin bragging to their friends about how great they’re doing, how much fun they’re having, and how much they’re dating.
24. Your ex gets jealous when they find out you’re dating other people. A dead giveaway. If they didn’t have feelings for you anymore, they couldn’t care less about who you’re dating.
25. Your ex wears something that was yours or that you have given them. This is most commonly a piece of clothing. Think of it as a comfort object: an item used to provide your ex with psychological comfort while you aren’t there with them. (5)
26. Your ex is second-guessing the breakup. We all second-guess our breakups. So it’s normal if your ex does it from time to time, and it doesn’t mean anything in that case. But if they keep second-guessing to the point where it becomes a borderline obsession, it’s a sign they’ll eventually come back.
27. Your breakup was never official. If your ex never told anyone that they broke up with you, it could indicate that they’ll come back. But then again, they may be just shy about telling others about the breakup. This is usually the case for younger couples.
28. You have an on/off relationship with your ex. This is a relationship where two people continually keep breaking up and getting back together. And while cultivating such a relationship does mean your ex will eventually come back, it’s a pretty toxic dynamic to be caught in. Consider getting out for good.
29. You broke up in the heat of the moment. Sometimes emotions make us say and do things we didn’t really want to say and do. One of which is ending our relationship or calling our ex some degenerate slur or doing something devious so that they end it.
30. Your ex talks about a future with you. For example, they bring up plans or trips or bigger things like marriage, kids, and settling down.
31. Your ex shows a lot of affection when you meet up and when you’re away. For example, when you meet up, they stand and sit close to you, bump their knee into yours, touch your arm (or jump into them), grab your hand, kiss you, or are all over you. And when you’re away, they buy you gifts, write you notes or poems, sprinkle many affectionate emojis throughout their texts, or compliment you.
32. Your ex is blatant about the fact that they still have feelings for you. For example, they want to make you happy, seek your approval, tell you how much they love and miss you, ask you to meet up, and, of course, to get back together.
Why You Shouldn’t Obsess Over The Signs Your Ex Will Eventually Come Back
Because of these three killer consequences.
Below are four signs indicating your ex will eventually come back that keep popping up across many breakup-advice sites. These are the sort of signs I would deem inaccurate at best; dangerous at worst.
1. Your ex will come back if they express happiness about your achievement/growth. Meaning they congratulate, compliment, and tell you how much you’ve changed for the better. Why did I christen this sign as bullshit? Because lots of people (including myself) have no problem expressing happiness towards their exes, even when they don’t want them back.
2. Your ex will come back if they’re nostalgic. Again, bullshit. People get nostalgic about their exes all the time, even when they don’t want them back. Hell, we get nostalgic of all sorts of things we would never want to repeat: sloppy one-night stands, shallow parting buddies, waking up in the middle of the street, shitfaced.
3. Your ex will come back if you had a good relationship and a lot of chemistry with them. Sometimes I wonder if breakup advice is written for glue-eating 12-year-olds. It just doesn’t make sense sometimes.
4. Your ex will come back if you both understand what lead to the breakup. One last time: bullshit. You or your ex knowing what went wrong in a relationship is by no means a sign that they’ll come back. I know most of what I’ve done wrong in my previous relationships, including what my exes done wrong, and I still wouldn’t go back to any of them.
2. Stress And Self-Sabotage
There’s a general consensus in psychology: the more you obsess about something, the more stressed and frustrated you’ll feel. And the more stressed and frustrated you feel, the higher the likelihood of displaying irrational, needy, and self-destructive behaviors.
In your case, these behaviors include: spamming your ex’s phone, showing up at their place unannounced, sending them cheesy love letters, overanalyzing their responses, attempting to “game them“, or stalking them on social media, and accidentally liking a post from 2015.
Sometimes obsessing over the signs your ex will come back can even lead to rumination: a tendency that causes a person to spend an inordinate amount of time worrying, figuring out, trying to understand, analyzing, or clarifying a thought or theme. It’s also one of the core characteristics of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). (6)
If you can’t get your ex out of your mind, consider seeing a therapist. Preferably one specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy.
3. Warped Expectations
I was terrified of air travel as a kid. I thought it was only a matter of time before the plane’s engine malfunctioned and made us plummet into oblivion.
And the more I focused on the explosion and fire and smoke and the screaming people that swooshed out of an airborne plane like confetti, the more my fear expanded, blinding me from reality. Suddenly, things like turbulence, flickering lights, and tired expressions of crew members quickly became signs of impending doom.
The mental vomit I’ve gone through in my childhood is the same mental vomit you’ll go through if you keep obsessing over the signs your ex will eventually come back.
For example, when your ex asks you for their stuff back, you’ll idiotically jump to the conclusion that they still love you and want to come back. So you’ll start acting like a desperate psycho and blow your shot. In reality, they probably just wanted their stuff back.
A Better Way To Determine If Your Ex Will Come Back
Healing, rebuilding your life, and getting the best chance to get your ex back is a bitch when you’re using most of your mental capacity and waking energy to focus on the signs they’ll come back.
To improve the chances, just stop obsessing about these signs. Omit them. Fuck the odds. Focus on yourself and find something more important than getting your ex back. And I know this shift is difficult, but it’s worth it. Consider the upsides of the whole thing:
- You’ll preserve mental energy that you can then direct toward personal growth and recovery (the things that actually get your ex to come back).
- You’ll become less reactive towards your ex and thus more attractive. And the more attractive you are, the higher your chances of getting back with them get.
- You’ll have more time to think about why you broke up, learn from your mistakes, and not screw up again in the same way if you actually do get back together.
- You’ll stop asking yourself, “Will my ex come back,” or “Do exes come back,” and instead focus on what actually matters: whether getting back with your ex is worth it (spoiler: usually it’s not).
Paradoxically, it’s only through letting your ex go and investing in yourself that you get the best chance of getting them back. And it’s the identity-level changes you make in yourself (and the identity-level change they make in themselves) that keep you together once you rekindle things.
So stop fussing over signs your ex will come back. If they want you back, they’ll let you know. They’ll in some way, shape, or form, communicate that they want to try again. Be that in the form of a committed relationship, friends with benefits relationship, or casual dating.
If that happens, just be honest and tell them you want them back as well. From there, invite them on a date and start mending your relationship. While this is difficult — for it demands mutual personal growth, introspection, emotional work, patience, and (usually) therapy — it is possible.
But even if your ex never contacts you again or rejects your reconnection attempts, it’s still a win. Because them not coming back creates a space in your life for an even better person to take their place. And, although you might not believe me, there’s always a better person to take your ex’s place. Always.
If you need more help getting your ex back, check out my Radical Re-Attraction Course. It includes hours of video and hundreds of pages of writing, and a community with exclusive weekly videos, private chat, and 1-on-1 coaching.
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