Look At What Your Ex Does (Not What They Say Or Mean)

There’s a growing trend of guides helping people decipher the meaning behind their ex’s words. You’ve probably come across a few.

These guides would explain that when your ex tells you they hate you, it means they only hate the situation they’re in and, in fact, still love you. Or that when they tell you that they’ve changed, it means that they’re not interested anymore. Or when they say how you deserve someone better, they’re actually manipulating you so they don’t have to blame themselves for the breakup. Or how “it’s too late” translates to “I want you to try harder at winning me back.”

I get the appeal of this advice.

Deciphering the meaning behind your ex’s words gives you clarity and confidence around where they stand and how they feel about you. But the problem is, you’re likely wrong about your assessment.

Not only is your soaring attraction making it harder to realistically determine what your ex means when they utter a specific phrase, but there’s also the fact that that phrase could have more than one meaning that fucks everything up.

For example, when they say, “It’s not you, it’s me,” some exes genuinely believe it’s their fault that the breakup happened and want to make things work. Other exes, however, could say the same thing only to let you down gently and harbor no desire to get back with you.

Do you see what I mean?

This shit quickly gets confusing. So let me propose a different approach for gauging your ex’s attraction — because, let’s be real, that’s what you’re fundamentally trying to do whenever you attempt to discern the “hidden” meaning behind their words.

A Better Approach For Gauging Attraction

Instead of trying to decipher what they mean when they say XYZ, just look at what their actions suggest.

For example, if your ex says how much they love or miss you but never call you first, take days to respond to your texts, and put zero effort into getting you back in general, it means they don’t actually love or miss you — they’re either letting you down gently or leading you on.

Or if your ex keeps telling you that they’d love to meet up sometime, yet whenever you invite them out, they tell you how they’re not sure of their schedule, how they’ll call you back (but never do), or how they can’t make it because of an errand — and they never offer a rain-check — it’s an evident indication that they don’t actually want to meet you.

Conversely, if your ex tells you to move on or to leave them alone, yet still keeps texting or calling you — even if it’s about absurd trivialities like moves, hobbies, or current events — it’s a clear indicator they still like you.

Generally speaking, the more attraction your ex feels for you, the more they’ll help you rekindle your relationship and the easier they’ll make it. Whereas the less attraction they feel for you, the less they’ll help you rekindle your relationship, and the harder they’ll make it.

Another reason you should focus on what your ex does is that trying to decipher what their words mean is usually a waste of time. Seriously. You’d be better off clipping your toenails or washing your dog.

I mean, consider this: if your ex tells you that they love you but are not in love with you, how something is missing from your relationship even though it was great, or how they don’t want to hurt you again even though they want you back, why even waste time discerning the information?

Isn’t it obvious where they stand and how they feel towards you? Their actions clearly suggest that there’s some emotional resistance or incompatibility that’s holding them back from giving you another chance. And that’s fine.

The True Beauty Of Observing Your Ex’s Actions

Where observing your ex’s actions truly shines is when you start dating them or at least when you’ve kept seeing them for an extended period.

For example, on dates, look at how they’re treating you when you joke around. If you’re telling stupid and corny jokes that you know aren’t funny, yet your ex is laughing, it’s a sign they’re interested and like where things are going.

Or consider how your ex responds when you ask them to do something. Specifically, listen to the tone of their voice and how they emphasize certain words.

If you invite them to your place, for example, and they say “Okay, let’s go,” in an uneasy and disinterested way, it means that they’re not that crazy about the idea or have a few doubts about it. But if they say the identical phrase cheerfully and confidently, it’s more likely that they find the idea exciting and enjoyable.

Or here’s another example: if your ex is sulky and shows disinterested body language while you’re on a date (i.e., looks and faces away from you, avoids physical touch, doesn’t smile often, etc.), it’s a sign of diminishing attraction.

Whereas if they’re cheerful and show interested body language (i.e., looks and faces toward you, initiates physical touch, smiles often, etc.), it’s a sign of growing attraction.

One last example to drive my point home: if you just got back with your ex, and you’re telling everyone about it, while they haven’t told a single fucking person, they’re probably not that sure if getting back together was a good idea.

Maybe the whole thing was rushed. Maybe your ex wanted an open relationship instead. Or perhaps, they simply changed their mind at some point. Bottom line: if your ex was sure about the idea, they would tell others about it, perhaps even brag a bit.

It’s wild how many problems looking at your ex’s actions solve. As a rule of thumb: whenever you’re thinking, “what does it mean when my ex says XYZ, do they still like me or not, and so forth?” look at their actions, and you’ll promptly figure everything out. And you’ll achieve this without the added unnecessary frustration of playing professional decipherer.

There is, however, one caveat to all of this.

The Importance Of Observing Patterns Of Actions

If you’ve been dating your ex for a long time or have already rekindled your relationship and got back together, you mustn’t observe their actions in a vacuum but across an extended period in order to accurately gauge how they feel about you.

Put differently: instead of looking at your ex’s individual actions and making your evaluation based on them, observe the patterns those actions follow.

If your ex suddenly stops initiating touches, pulls back, or grows colder while you’re on a date, it doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t attracted to you anymore.

You just may have said or done something that bugged them, or they simply had a bad day, and their lowered attraction had nothing to do with you.

So instead of panicking in those moments, take a deep breath and ask yourself questions like, “Did my ex become less touchy/warm/affectionate/etc. for just a second, or is this already our second date during which they’re acting like this?”

If it’s a one-time thing, carry on with the courtship. But if their behavior is recurring, you need to take the situation more seriously because you’re, for whatever reason, turning them off.

Usually, pulling back and giving your ex space solves most problems related to cold behavior and mixed signals. At least that’s the “quick fix.” The more permanent fix, however, is tackling whatever emotional issues or incompatibilities are sabotaging re-attraction head-on — a.k.a., improving yourself.

The Danger Of Attraction Projection

Either through observing their ex’s actions or deciphering the meaning behind their words, sometimes people just can’t do it correctly because they keep projecting their own high attraction onto them.

In other words, most people who are crazy about getting back with their ex think that their ex feels the same way, while the reality is often radically different.

Even worse, these people, as a result of their projection, start ignoring and rationalizing away the fact that their ex isn’t always making it easy to get them back.

Consequently, these people start being too serious, pushy, and relationship-oriented when they should just back the fuck up, give their ex space, and have fun while they’re together.

To avoid these unnecessary errors, always underrate your ex’s attraction level, especially when you start dating them for the first time.

If you think they’re somewhat interested, start thinking and acting as though they’re not interested whatsoever. Or, if you believe they are highly interested, start thinking and acting as though they’re only somewhat interested.

The point is to catch yourself when you are screwing up. Now, does this mean you should continuously obsess about your ex’s behaviors? No. That’s actually the worst thing you can do. It’s not only unattractive but also harmful for your mental and emotional health.

All I’m saying is: pay attention. Not obsess, analyze, scrutinize, or let yourself become consumed by your ex. Just pay attention to what they do and keep doing.

Think of it as paying attention to your thoughts during mediation. You don’t attach yourself to them nor judge yourself for having them. You simply become aware that they are there and then softly let them go — ad infinitum.