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Neediness is one of the most common problems preventing people from getting back with their ex. Roughly speaking, 80% of my readers have trouble with it. So chances are, you’re in the same shit-stew.
Neediness is the root of all unattractive/needy behavior (not to be confused with the behaviors themselves). When you’re needy, you basically prioritize your ex’s perception of you over your perception of yourself and start to care more about what they think, feel, believe, need, and stand for than what you think, feel, believe, need, and stand for.
Generally speaking, your level of neediness is inversely proportional to your attractiveness, which is directly proportional to the odds of mending things with your ex. The higher your neediness, the lower your attractiveness, the shittier the odds of getting back together. The lower your neediness, the higher your attractiveness, the better the odds of getting back together.
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Order Your CopyThe Source Of Neediness
Neediness stems from a) undervaluing yourself, b) overvaluing your ex, or c) a combination of both.
The “undervaluing yourself” problem stems from low self-esteem and self-worth and is consciously realized by a series of negative beliefs about oneself and then manifested through needy, unattractive behavior.
The “overvaluing your ex” problem stems from some sort of complex or neurosis surrounding romantic relationships. These people can have high self-esteem and self-worth in many areas of their life (i.e., business, education, social life, etc.). However, when confronted by their ex — or anyone they are sexually attracted to — they instinctively subjugate themselves to their opinions and desires and become needy.
These two causes of neediness often appear simultaneously. However, they may also appear separately in certain cases.
The “overvaluing your ex” issue is usually the easier fix. It’s just a matter of re-orienting some of a person’s unhealthy over-estimations of their ex and getting them to respect themselves a little more in their presence.
It’s the “undervaluing yourself” issue that’s difficult to fix, mainly because low self-esteem and self-worth individuals are often piss-poor at accurately interpreting their own experiences and behaviors. Until they learn to do this, their progress occurs slowly — or there is no progress at all.
How Neediness Manifests
As we established a few paragraphs ago, neediness is what propels you to demonstrate needy behaviors. Below are some of the most widespread ones. Hopefully by going through the list you’ll become more aware of when you’re about to display one yourself, increasing the odds of reeling yourself in at the right time so it doesn’t sabotage re-attraction.
Also, while going over the list, think: what’s the theme tying all of these behaviors together?
- Chasing and pursuing your ex by constantly initiating text and social media conversations, calls, email exchanges, etc.
- Pleading, begging, and bargaining with your ex for another chance.
- Constantly demanding attention and reassurance from your ex.
- Trying to impress your ex and fishing for their admiration, approval, and affection.
- Forcing, manipulating, or cajoling your ex into getting them to show interest.
- Repeatedly going over and analyzing what your ex says or means.
- Checking your phone sixty-nine times a minute to see if your ex replied.
- Obsessing about your own neediness level when interacting with your ex.
- Buying your ex gifts not as genuine tokens of appreciation but as bribes for sexual or emotional validation.
- Giving your ex compliments, not because they deserved them, but because you want something in return — affection, sex, another compliment, etc.
- Changing or improving yourself not because you want to but because you’re trying to inspire your ex to return.
- Not speaking up when something your ex said bothers or upsets you.
- Failing to stand up for yourself when your ex disrespects you or tries to take advantage of you.
- Withholding an opinion because you’re afraid it will offend your ex.
- Being scared of and actively avoiding confrontation, conflict, and rejection.
- Being passive-aggressive and avoiding honest, direct communication with your ex.
- Being entitled and expecting your ex to cater to your every need and desire without any consideration for their feelings.
- Making covert contracts, that is, forming unspoken or hidden expectations for your ex, like thinking that if you text them first, they should reward you by texting first next time.
Have you noticed it yet? The theme underlying all of these behaviors, as well, as all needy behaviors in general, are needy intentions.
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Get Instant AccessNeediness And Intentions
The theory goes that any behavior you display can be either needy or non-needy. What determines whether it’s needy or not, however, as well as the degree to which it is needy, are your intentions behind the behavior — the motivation for displaying it.
This theory can be tricky to grasp, so here’s an example how it plays out in the real world. Let’s say you’re on a date with your ex. On this date, you could tell them how much they mean to you and suggest getting back together out of sheer curiosity — without expecting a certain answer in return. Or you could sit there, act indifferent and like you don’t give a shit about them, and have them bring up the idea of reconciling.
The first behavior is non-needy. You’re speaking your truth. You intend to unabashedly express what you feel and (we hope) accept any response your ex gives you. The second behavior, however, is needy. You’re acting like you don’t care if your ex gets back with you, while in reality, you do care. So much, in fact, that you intend to manipulate them to get them back.
Another example: you can text your ex to return your favorite shirt with the intention of gauging their interest and figuring out where exactly you stand with them. Or you can do it because you genuinely want the shirt back.
Again, the first behavior is needy because you’re using your shirt as an excuse to reach out — you’re using it as a means to an end. But the second behavior is non-needy since you’re reaching out solely because you want your shirt back — the shirt is the end, not a means to some other end.
One last example: you could approach your ex while they’re chilling in their favorite venue for the sheer joy of it, not really giving a fuck if you’ll make a certain impression. Or you could start flirting with other people around them, trying to make them jealous by making yourself appear more popular or “high status.”
As you’d expect, the first behavior is non-needy (because your aim isn’t to impress or excite or trick), and the second is needy (because you’re only clawing for your ex’s approval).
I think you get the point by now. And before you start thinking if you can just fake your intentions, the answer is no. That’s impossible, at least in the long-term. Because while faking intentions may work for some time, eventually, neediness will always find a way to seep through your behaviors and sabotage re-attraction.
How To Manage Neediness
First of all, let’s be clear: we’re all human. We all look for validation from our ex if we still like them. We all care what they think about us to a certain degree. Neediness never really goes away. And that’s fine.
Your goal should never be to eliminate neediness. Not only is that unrealistic, but it’s also impossible. The more you’ll try to get rid of your neediness, the more it will expand. Besides, eliminating it would also mean gutting yourself of all emotions and empathy. And that’s not a healthy way to live your life.
Instead, your goal should be to better manage your neediness. Here are some guidelines on where to start:
- Re-prioritize your perception of yourself in relation to the perception of your ex.
- Focus on validating yourself more and less on receiving validation from them.
- Close your inferiority gap and start approaching re-attraction through brutal honesty.
- Avoid needy behaviors, especially the typical ones I listed a few paragraphs ago.
- Change your attachment style for the better if you’re fostering any shade of an insecure one.
- Start taking care of and investing in core life areas like sleep, health, well-being, work, and social life.
Managing neediness really boils to nothing more than your typical, run-of-the-mill self-improvement. But this topic is beyond the scope of this article. In fact, it’s a topic I’m wrestling with throughout the majority of articles on my website. So rather than regurgitating everything they say, here are links to some of the best, most relevant ones.
- How To Get Your Ex Back And Actually Keep Them — a solid foundation on where to start investing in yourself to be less needy.
- The Inferiority Gap — a deep dive into the source of neediness itself.
- Performance Vs. Authentic Growth — a comparison of two approaches to re-attraction. One based on neediness and the other on non-neediness.
- Attachment Styles Explained — a solid explanation for why you’re perhaps so needy.
- Your Ex Is Not Special (No One Is) — a short riff on why you shouldn’t overvalue your ex.
- Change Your Mind About Getting Your Ex Back — an article illustrating how getting an ex back might look like if you weren’t being needy all the time.
- Vulnerability: The Key To Rekindling Your Relationship — a guide to probably the ultimate solution for your neediness.
Remember: your ex will never see your value as a person if you don’t value yourself first. And throwing yourself into self-improvement is the only thing that will demonstrate that value to them. However, coming back to intentions, there is a fine line between improving yourself for the right and wrong ones.
If you’re trying to improve yourself because you genuinely want to — you’re doing it solely for the sake of personal self-improvement — then your attempts at doing so are non-needy and attractive. But, if you’re trying to improve yourself for your ex, or anyone other than yourself, then your attempts at doing so are needy and unattractive — and you may be rejected for it.
I like to think of the whole thing in terms of the classic Wayne Dyer quote: “Loving others starts with loving myself. If you don’t love yourself, nobody else will. Not only that — you won’t be good at loving anyone else. Loving starts with the self.”
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