Understanding And Managing Neediness - Max Jancar
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Understanding And Managing Neediness

By Max Jancar | Updated: October 30, 2021 | 8 Minute Read | Ex-Back

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Neediness is one of the most common problems preventing people from getting back with their ex. Roughly speaking, 80% of my readers broke up with their ex and have difficulties getting them back solely because of neediness. So chances are, you’re in the same shit-stained boat.

Neediness is, by definition, a direct result of our low self-esteem and self-worth, largely stemming from what’s called an inferiority gap, which is what occurs when we put our ex on a pedestal and see ourselves as below them worthiness-wise.

In other words, the inferiority gap manifests itself when you undervalue yourself and/or overvalue your ex. When you start caring more about what they think, feel, and believe than what you think, feel, and believe. When you prioritize their perception of you over your perception of yourself.

It’s this inferiority gap inspired mindset that leads to neediness, which then further leads to all unattractive behavior, whether directly or indirectly.

How Neediness Generally Looks Like

Here are some of the most widespread needy behaviors I keep seeing time and time again. Go through them and reflect on each. Then think: what’s the theme tying them all together?

Have you noticed it yet? The central theme underlying all of the above behaviors, as well, as all needy behaviors in general, are needy intentions.

It’s All About Intentions

The theory goes that any behavior you display can be either needy or non-needy. What determines whether it’s needy or not, however, as well as the degree to which it is needy, are your intentions behind the behavior — the motivation for displaying it.

This theory can be tricky to grasp, so here’s an example how it plays out in the real world. You could tell your ex while dating how much they mean to you and propose you get back together out of sheer curiosity and without expecting a certain answer in return. Or you could sit there, act indifferent and like you don’t give a shit about them, and  have them propose the idea of reconciling.

The former behavior is non-needy. You’re speaking your truth. You intend to unabashedly express what you feel and accept any response your ex gives you. The latter behavior, however, is needy. You’re acting like you don’t care whether or not your ex gets back with you, while in reality, you do care. So much, in fact, that you intend to manipulate them to get them back.

Another example; you can text your ex to return your favorite shirt with the intention of gauging their interest. Or you can do it because you genuinely want the shirt back. Again, the former behavior is needy because you’re using your shirt as an excuse to reach out — you’re using it as a means to some end. Whereas the latter behavior is non-needy since you’re reaching out solely because you want your shirt back — the shirt is the end, not a means to some other end.

Last example: you invent reasons to contact your ex. You basically convince yourself you’re reaching out only because you want to see how their family is doing or to tell them about this cool new movie you just saw. But in reality, you just want to hear from them because you miss them. Perhaps you want to put your toe in the water and see where you stand with them. These are your real intentions. You certainly couldn’t give any shits about their family or recommending that movie. Thus, you’re being needy.

Now before you start thinking if you can just fake your intentions, the answer is no. While it may work for some time, eventually neediness will always find a way to seep through your behaviors and sabotage your reconciliation efforts.

A Cheat Sheet For Pinpointing And Maximizing The Odds Of Reuniting With Your Ex

This free cheat sheet will explain every step of the re-attraction process, cut out all the confusion, and catapult your chances of getting back with your ex sky-high.

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How To Manage Your Neediness

First of all, let’s be clear: we’re all human. We all look for validation from our ex if we still like them. We all care what they think about us to a certain degree. Neediness never really goes away. And that’s fine.

Your goal should never be to eliminate neediness. Not only is that unrealistic, but it’s also impossible. The more you’ll try to get rid of your neediness, the more it will expand. Besides, eliminating it would also mean gutting yourself of all emotions and empathy. And that’s not a healthy way to live your life.

Instead, your goal should be to better manage your neediness. Here are some guidelines on how to do this:

Managing neediness really boils to nothing more than your typical, run-of-the-mill self-improvement. Now this topic is beyond the scope of this article. In fact, it’s a topic I’m wrestling with throughout the majority of articles on my website. So rather than regurgitating everything they say, here are links to some of the best ones.

Remember: your ex will never see your value as a person if you don’t value yourself first. And throwing yourself into self-improvement is the only thing that will demonstrate that value to them. However, coming back to intentions, there is a fine line between improving yourself for the right and wrong ones.

If you’re trying to improve yourself because you genuinely want to — you’re doing it solely for the sake of personal self-improvement — then your attempts at doing so are non-needy and attractive. But, if you’re trying to improve yourself for your ex, or anyone other than yourself, then your attempts at doing so are needy and unattractive.

Think of it in terms of the classic Wayne Dyer quote: “Loving others starts with loving myself. If you don’t love yourself, nobody else will. Not only that — you won’t be good at loving anyone else. Loving starts with the self.”

A Cheat Sheet For Pinpointing And Maximizing The Odds Of Reuniting With Your Ex

This free cheat sheet will explain every step of the re-attraction process, cut out all the confusion, and catapult your chances of getting back with your ex sky-high.

Get The Free Cheat Sheet

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A Cheat Sheet For Pinpointing And Maximizing The Odds Of Reuniting With Your Ex

This free cheat sheet will explain every step of the re-attraction process, cut out all the confusion, and catapult your chances of getting back with your ex sky-high.

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