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This article is based on one of the key lessons in my Radical Re-Attraction Course. If you like it, consider purchasing the course.
Polarization is a proven and renowned concept from pickup and dating literature (originating from Mark Manson’s book, Models: Attract Women Through Honesty) for filtering out people who aren’t sexually interested in you and moving you closer to those who are.
Yet, the concept hasn’t really caught fire in the context of getting an ex back. If you ask me, it’s a missed opportunity. For the whole thing can singlehandedly wipe one’s head off unneeded concerns and confusion about whether or not an ex still likes them.
So what entails polarization? The theory goes that your ex can embody one of three states, each requiring you to respond differently:
If your ex is unreceptive, they show no desire or signs of wanting you back. They don’t reach out, are unavailable, uninterested, cold towards you, and unfazed by your actions.
Typically, if they behave in such a way, they’re doing it for a good reason. Maybe you’re needy and too invested in them. Maybe they concluded you’re incompatible. Or perhaps they just want to go around and fuck other people.
When your ex is unreceptive, there’s little you can do to change their behavior and mind about you. The best way to handle them is to let them go (see: no contact).
Because if you continue pursuing them, trying to get them back, you’ll only demonstrate more neediness and investment in them and therefore become less attractive, at which point, they’ll become even more unreceptive.
Only give an unreceptive ex a shot at rekindling things by inviting them on a date when they demonstrate that they’ve grown more receptive by initiating contact with you. Think of it as a green light for escalating things further.
If your ex is neutral, they show subtle signs of liking you. Maybe they reach out but don’t want to go out with you. Maybe they go out with you, but back off when you try and make a move on them. Or perhaps you touch their hand or shoulder at some point, yet they pretend like nothing is happening — they avoid reciprocating.
The important thing about this neutral state is that your ex never stays in it. Eventually, they will polarize one way (toward being unreceptive) or the other (toward being receptive).
And if you fail to find the courage to show your sexual interest and desire for them vulnerably, they will always polarize towards being unreceptive. In other words, they will friendzone you. Therefore, the best way to handle a neutral ex is to polarize them through your behavior.
For instance, once they reach out, indicating they’ve had enough space and time away from you, state your intentions and invite them on a date. Say something like, “Great to hear from you. I’d love to see you. When are you free for a drink or ten?”
Another example: if you’re already on a date, stating your intentions by saying something like, “You’re so hot,” “You look gorgeous,” or “wanna dance?” is also a valid form of polarization.
In the same vein, teasing your ex about things like their new earrings or a cringey t-shirt, putting your hand around them, playfully pushing them or gently shoving them to the side, wearing a nice suit or a sexy dress, telling them it was disrespectful that they were late for your date — these are, again, all valid forms of polarization.
Just whatever you do, don’t bitch out. You’ve got to take some escalating action with a neutral ex to move them toward one side of the spectrum. The point isn’t necessarily to make them receptive but simply to force them out of neutrality.
If your ex is receptive, they’re sexually attracted to you, reciprocate your advances, initiate conversations, approach your interactions with enthusiasm and positive body language, and display more nuanced signs of high attraction. A few examples:
- When you touch their arm, they also touch yours.
- When you give them a genuine compliment, they return the favor with glee.
- When you take the time to drive to their place, they reward you by giving their friends an excuse to bale sooner and go hang out with you.
- When you lean into them or pull them closer, they lean into you or pull you closer.
- When you invite them on a date, they recommend places to go and mention things they’d love to do with you.
The tricky part is keeping your ex receptive. This basically boils down to the themes I keep parroting across my entire blog: having a quality lifestyle, raising your self-esteem and self-worth, developing character and attractive identity, overcoming neediness, asserting boundaries, learning how to connect with people, etc.
Polarization is attractive because it’s based on the fundamental components of an attractive individual: being in a state of non-neediness and having the ability and willingness to express one’s desire and vulnerability comfortably and unabashedly.
But for polarization to work, you’ve got to work. That is, on yourself.
If you’re needy and over-invested, you’ll only alter your behaviors to please your ex. You won’t find the courage to tease them. You won’t be able to tell them that you don’t accept them being late for your date. You’ll be uncomfortable with dressing nicely. You’ll chicken out of stating your true intentions and inviting your ex on a date in the first place.
And for these reasons, you’ll fail at polarizing them — and get yourself perpetually stuck in the pitiful and wretched friendzone. And once in it, it’s almost impossible to get out.
Think of it this way: what does waiting days, weeks, or months before, say, telling your ex you still have feelings for them sub-communicate? It sub-communicates you’re too afraid and anxious to be vulnerable. And what does that sub-communicate? That you’re needy. And what does that sub-communicate? That you see your ex on a pedestal and yourself as less worthy than them — perhaps even unworthy.
And this shit is mind-numbingly unattractive.
Therefore, whenever your ex reaches out, yet you don’t know whether or not they still like you, polarize the everlasting fuck out of them. Then let the chips fall where they may, and be comfortable with your result. Whatever it may be.
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