When you’re going through a breakup, it can be tough to resist the temptation to contact your ex. You may think that reaching out will somehow change their mind and get them back. However, this is never the case. Contacting an ex who dumped you almost always repels them.
Below I’ll list five reasons why reaching out is a shitty idea, explain why experts tell you to do it anyway, answer the top questions on the topic, and reveal what I’d do instead.
Why You Should Not Contact An Ex Who Dumped You
Because it diverts your focus from things that matter (your growth and recovery) to things that don’t (getting someone who wants nothing to do with you back). Because it’s smothering, desperate, and needy as fuck. Because it’s selfish and disrespectful. And because it’s likely what got you into this mess in the first place.
Let’s unpack these reasons one by one.
1. Contacting An Ex diverts your focus from things that matter
I don’t care how much you love your ex, contacting them to get them back should be the last thing on your mind after they dumped you.
What you should do instead is go no contact, invest in yourself and learn from your relationship. So that if you do ever get back with your ex, you don’t make the same mistakes that led you to part ways initially.
The more you hone in on whether or not contacting them, the more panicky and fearful you’ll be. And the more panicky and fearful you are, the greater the chance you’ll reach out to your ex in an unattractive manner and turn them off.
2. Contacting An Ex Is smothering, desperate, and needy
More specifically, it’s annoying and predictable (especially when you do it a couple of times in a row ). A big part of what gets your ex interested again is the curiosity that hits them only amid your absence.
Contacting an ex who dumped you also implies you see them on a pedestal and have low self-respect (or none to begin with). Otherwise, why would you reach out to someone (let alone chase after them) who pushed you out of their life?
To twist the knife even more, contacting your usually ex makes them feel as though you have nothing better going on in your life — that you have no life whatsoever. And that’s… well, that’s just sad. No one wants to be with a low-life (except other low-lives).
3. Contacting An Ex Is selfish and disrespectful
When an ex dumps you, they’re sub-communicating a couple of critical pieces of information: “I don’t want to be with you,” “Give me space,” and “Our relationship isn’t working.”
And when you reach out and try to get them back despite them having such thoughts and ideas, you’re not only disrespecting their decision to leave and disregarding their feelings, but you’re also sub-communicating information that is bound to cause mayhem.
Information like, “Fuck what you want,” “I want you back at my pace/right now,” and “I don’t care that you want space.” It’s hard to notice this, but you’re making everything about yourself and are entirely invalidating your ex’s internal world.
And well… that’s as attractive as munching on a cow turd.
4. Excessive Contact Is Likely What Led To The Breakup
More than 90% of the people who visit my website broke up with their ex due to excessive chasing. And guess what contacting an ex who dumped you is? Yep, it’s chasing, bitch.
So why would your ex want to get back together with you if you keep doing the same shit that made them dump you? They want less of you, so they try to keep you away. You want more of them, so you try to get closer. Do you see the problem here?
Until you give your ex sufficient space for them to begin to want you back as well, you’re not mending any relationship. You’re only making a fool out of yourself and setting yourself up for rejection and failure.
5. Contacting An Ex Often Just Upsets Them
Don’t think of a pink elephant riding on a unicycle with his bulging penis proudly hanging out.
You’ve thought about him, didn’t you? Of course you did. It’s a natural human tendency to visualize whatever we’re thinking about. What about the emotions tied to the elephant; what were they? Probably on the positive side. (1)
Your ex goes through this same process when you contact them and remind them of your existence. The only difference is that a thought of you likely isn’t as positive as one of a funny elephant with a big dick. And your ex associating you with negative emotions is the last thing you want.
The only time your ex will think of you you in a positive light, giving you a better chance to get them back, is initiate contact. Because by that point, the fading effect bias will do its thing — making your ex focus less on the negative aspects of your relationship and more on the positive. (2)
Why Experts Tell You To Contact An Ex Who Dumped You
Because it’s what you want to hear.
Breakup advice is dealing with people whose raw and unbridled emotions run the show. And these people don’t want to hear the factual, logical, cold truth. In fact, from what I’ve seen, they get mad, upset, or bitchy about it whenever anyone brings it up. Or they go into denial.
You don’t want to hear that the only time you should give your ex a shot at rekindling things is when they contact you first. You don’t want to hear that attempting to get them back is almost always a bad idea. You don’t want to hear you have emotional problems and not ex-back problems.
You want to hear the opposite. Reach out to your ex in X days. Chase after them. Fight for your relationship. Strike while the iron is hot! You want to hear what feels good. But what feels good isn’t always what’s best for you… which brings us to the second reason why experts tell you to reach out to your ex.
Because it sells.
Telling you what you want to hear — what feels good — sells far more ex-back courses, books, and coaching calls than telling you the opposite. That’s why most greedy “get your ex back” gurus do it.
But here’s the cold reality: not only does contacting an ex who dumped you lower your chances of getting them back (for reasons I mentioned earlier), but it’s also the least healthy thing you can do for yourself.
What To Do Instead Of Contacting An Ex Who Dumped You
Walk away and never look back. Work on yourself, and live your life as though your ex will never re-enter it. The only time you should give them another chance is when your paths cross organically.
For instance, when your ex reaches out first. When you’re already in regular contact. Or when you randomly bump into each other, spark a conversation, and can see they’re interested. In each of these cases, the most main thing on your mind should be to set up a date as early on in your interactions as possible. And then move on from there.
Another thing to remember is to take things — however they go — at your ex’s pace. They may be awkward and stilted at first. They may need some time to get comfortable with you again. They may want to talk about the breakup and other touchy subjects. And they may reject you amid your date, at which point you’ll have to, yet again, give them enough space for them to re-enter your life at their own pace.
Alas, such as the gripes of rekindling a failed relationship. It’s all part of the process. Expect turbulence. Prepare yourself mentally for it. Getting an ex back ain’t easy, and the odds are certainly not in your favor. But that’s what you signed up for, isn’t it?
If you need more help getting your ex back, check out my Radical Re-Attraction Course. With over 8h of video, 300 pages of writing, and personalized 1-on-1 coaching, I'll walk you through every step of the re-attraction process from start to finish.
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