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PSA: Below is the last section — think of it as an excerpt — from my most popular piece: How To Get Your Ex Back And Actually Keep Them. It had received so much love and praise that I figured it’s a good idea to repost it as a shorter standalone article. Enjoy.
Below are six simple yet harsh truths about getting an ex back that no one tells you about. For the most part, because they don’t sell.
Everyone will buy “how to get your ex back” products from the person who tells them how they should get their ex back and how easy it is (especially with their “system” or whatever). Rarely will anyone buy from the person who tells them the opposite.
Well, fuck you. I’m the latter person.
1. The odds of getting your ex back are shit
The odds of getting your ex back are low, and staying together even lower on average. I mean, if there was a tried-and-true way to get an ex back, we as a society would have a) figured it out a long time ago, and b) breakups would be wiped out. The world would be flooded with happily committed and married couples. And I’d probably be out of the job.
Yet, don’t lose hope prematurely.
There are still examples of couples out there who just needed some time apart to gain perspective on their relationship and learn how to make it work.
However, if you find yourself locked in a cycle of breaking up and getting back together — a.k.a., being trapped in a toxic on/off relationship — where you’re either in bliss or hell, depending on the month, then you probably should end things for good.
2. You Don’t need your ex
Most people are terrified of letting their ex go. And so they cling onto them and try to get them back because they make them feel important and worthy and loved. This, unknowingly, makes them slaves to their exes.
Much of our lives is guided by this sense of scarcity. We mistake the ex that provides — or once provided — for our emotional needs as the needs themselves.
But the truth is, you don’t really need your ex to appreciate, validate and love you again. What you need is to make yourself feel appreciated, validated, and loved.
What you need is you.
There are a bazillion ways you can meet your own needs. And all that is required is an ability to do so and the courage to believe that it is possible.
3. You Shouldn’t Get Back With Your Ex
Reconciliation only works out and is beneficial for a small minority. Most people shouldn’t get back with their ex, for the cons of doing so far outweigh the pros.
First, the simple act of trying to get your ex back will imbrue your life with unnecessary stress and only prolong your breakup recovery.
Second, your motives for wanting your ex back likely boil down to fear of loss, sick beliefs that you can’t find anyone better, or a feeling that you’re not good enough to find anyone better. As you’d guess, these motives don’t exactly make a sturdy foundation on which you’d rebuild your relationship.
Third, most exes move on and cease to love you before dumping you. So, chances are, your ex moved on already, making your attempts at getting them back nothing but wasted effort.
Fourth, even if you do get your ex back, it’s not like the problems you had in the past will suddenly disappear. Yes, people improve and change for the better, but that applies only to a fraction of our population. For instance, if your ex kept cheating behind your back and lying about it, you’ll probably experience more of the same after getting back together. And no, you can’t make them change.
4. There is no “right or best” way to get your ex back
Some ways of getting an ex back are better and more effective than others. But ultimately, there is no “right or best way.” Even my ex-back guide doesn’t paint my way as the right or best one. All it does is lay a path that I believe in, and that gets, to my knowledge, the best results for my readers.
But for the record, — and I’m fully aware I sound pompous when I write this — when compared to every other “get your ex back” approach, system, guide, whatever, I believe mine is by far the healthiest, most ethical, and mature. But, then again, who am I to say it will be a good fit for you?
5. Your ex is not special
Always think of getting your ex back as a win-win scenario. If they reach out and you get back together, great. Try again. Hopefully it works out this time.
But if your ex never reaches out nor gives you any indicator of interest, then also great. You’re now open to meeting someone better in the future. And, believe it or not, you can find that someone. Your ex is not special.
And labeling them as such is an insult to literally millions of other people that you would find attractive and intelligent and who, unlike your ex, are able and ready and willing to create a future with you.
A future from which you’ll be able to look back at this period and chuckle, knowing how everything you’re feeling and thinking is so unimportant in the grand scheme of life.
6. The point of “Get Your Ex Back” Advice Is To Stop
The purpose of “how to get your ex back” advice, even breakup advice as a whole, is to come to a point where you no longer need it — a point where you eventually leave it behind and move on to a new chapter of your life — with or without your ex.
Yet, too often people can’t do that. They look for answers they already have, intellectualize every move they make, and get addicted to these articles. The same goes for youtube videos and podcasts about getting an ex back. And having greedy gurus preying on their vulnerabilities every step makes everything worse.
Let’s face it already, most people posing as breakup coaches in this space don’t want what’s best for you — they want your money. They want to exploit your ex-addiction. They want to make you their bitch.
So, I want you to promise me (for God’s sake, PLEASE promise me) that after a month, or three at most, you opt out of breakup advice. Stop reading my shit. Stop watching my shit. Stop reading and watching anything breakup-related. That’s all I ask. Opt out no matter what. Your future self will thank you.
If you need more help getting your ex back, check out my Radical Re-Attraction Course. With over 8h of video, 300 pages of writing, and personalized 1-on-1 coaching, I'll walk you through every step of the re-attraction process from start to finish.
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