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Note: this is an excerpt from my most popular piece: How To Get Your Ex Back And Actually Keep Them. It had received so much love and praise that I figured it was a good idea to repost it as a shorter, standalone article. Enjoy.
Below are five harsh truths about getting an ex back that no one tells you about. For the most part, because they don’t sell. After all, everyone will buy ex-back products from the person who tells them how they should get them back and how easy it is. Rarely will anyone buy from the person who tells them the opposite.
Well, fuck you. I’m the latter person.
1. The Odds Of Getting Your Ex Back Are Shit
According to our most recent statistics, only 30% of couples get back together. And only half of those 30% actually stay together for good. (3)
This comes at no surprise. I mean, if there was a tried-and-true way to get an ex back, we as a society would have a) figured it out a long time ago, and b) breakups would be wiped out. The world would be flooded with happily committed and married couples. And I’d probably be out of the job.
Yet, don’t lose hope. There are still examples of couples out there who just needed some time apart to gain perspective on their relationship and learn how to make it work. However, if you find yourself in an endless cycle of breaking up and getting back together, then you probably should end things for good.
2. You Don’t Need Your Ex (Even If You Think You Do)
Most people are terrified of letting their ex go. And so they cling to them and try to get them back because they make them feel important and worthy and loved. This, unknowingly, makes them slaves to their exes.
Much of our lives is guided by this sense of scarcity. We mistake the ex that provides — or once provided — for our emotional needs as the needs themselves.
But the truth is, you don’t really need your ex to appreciate, validate and love you again. What you need is to make yourself feel appreciated, validated, and loved.
What you need is you. There are a bazillion ways you can meet your own needs. And all that is required is an ability to do so and the courage to believe that it is possible.
3. There is no “right or best” way to get your ex back
Some ways of getting an ex back are more effective and healthy than others. But ultimately, there is no right or best way.
Even my ex-back guide doesn’t paint my way as the right or best one. All it does is lay a rough model for re-attraction that I believe in and that gets, to my knowledge, the best results for my readers.
And look, I know I’ll get shat on for this, but compared to every model for getting an ex back, I think mine is by far the healthiest and most effective. But then again, who am I to say it will be a good fit for you?
4. Your Can Always Find Someone Better Than Your Ex
Getting your ex back is a win-win scenario. If they reach out and you re-commit, great. Hopefully it works out. But if your ex never reaches out and moves on, then also great. You’re now open to meeting someone better. And, believe it or not, you can find someone better.
Your ex is not special. Your ex is not your soulmate. And labeling them as such is an insult to literally millions of other people whom you would find attractive and intelligent and who, unlike your ex, are able and ready and willing to create a future with you…
…A future from which you’ll be able to look back at this period and chuckle, knowing how everything you’re feeling and thinking is so unimportant in the grand scheme of life.
5. The point of “Get Your Ex Back” Advice Is To Stop
The purpose of ex-back advice, even breakup advice as a whole, is to come to a point where you no longer need it — a point where you eventually leave it behind and move on to a new chapter of your life — with or without your ex.
Yet, too often people can’t do that. They intellectualize re-attraction, look for answers they already have, and get addicted to these articles. The same goes for videos and podcasts.
And having greedy gurus preying on their vulnerabilities every step of the way makes everything worse. Let’s face it, most people posing as breakup coaches in this space don’t want what’s best for you — they want your money. They want to exploit your ex-addiction. They want to make you their bitch.
Please don’t give in. After a month — three at most — opt out of this advice. Stop reading my shit. Stop watching my shit. Stop digesting anything ex-back related. Opt out no matter what. Your mental health will appreciate it.
Covert Contracts: Subtle Saboteurs Of Re-Attraction
I’ve noticed lots of people making unconscious covert contracts with their exes, and it’s a big problem that I want to shed light on.
A Provocative Perspective On Why You Can’t Let Your Ex Go
Perhaps the reason you can't let go of your ex is because you're scared and selfish — the same way I was years ago.
Where Do You Get Your Validation?
Many think it's unhealthy to seek validation. But that's not true. It is healthy (even normal) if you're seeking it from the right place.
Performance Vs. Authentic Growth
The prime difference between those who get back with their ex for good versus those who struggle and fail.
The Guide To Setting Healthy Boundaries With Your Ex
Getting your ex back and keeping them gets so much easier if you just learn how to set and keep proper and healthy personal boundaries.