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I’ve been working with people who want to get their ex back for over five years now, had three major breakups myself, and chased and pursued after one of my exes for almost a year, only to fail spectacularly.
I’ve made every mistake in the book, and I’ve seen other people make every mistake in the book. Here are 18 of the most important lessons I’ve learned from everything.
Lesson 1: Most people think they need advice on how to get their ex back. However, what they actually need is self-development advice and therapy — lots and lots of therapy. The ex-back advice is simply a starting point.
Lesson 2: It’s not what you say, how you look, or even what you do that gets your ex back. It’s who you become that gets them back — what you stand for, represent, and embody. Put differently: It’s not about acting attractive that gets your ex back; it’s about actually becoming attractive that gets them back.
Lesson 3: Re-attracting an ex is mostly, if not entirely, a process of overcoming your insecurities, fears, and emotional baggage. All theory, lines, tactics, strategies, and persuasion or manipulation techniques are either petty details at best or pointless distractions at worst.
Lesson 4: An attractive, abundant, and healthy lifestyle trumps every “get your ex back” system out there, including every line, approach, script, pre-prepared message, gimmick, or technique.
Lesson 5: Don’t be friends with your ex. It never works out, especially not if you’re trying to use it as a backdoor for rekindling your relationship. A friendship can only blossom between you when it happens organically — without you (or your ex) forcing it to happen.
Lesson 6: Most people overestimate their ex’s attraction, which leads them to come off as too invested, emotional, and serious too soon, and, as a result, they sabotage themselves. They essentially start acting like they’re already together with their ex, even if they’re nowhere close. Therefore, always underestimate your ex’s attraction. For example: if, on a scale from 1-10, you think it’s at a 10/10, tone it down to at least a 7 or 6/10.
Lesson 7: Some things that are vastly overrated, if not completely useless: pre-prepared texts, texting rules, flake-prevention, handwritten letters, reverse psychology, social proof, jealousy tactics, playing hard to get, X-day no contact, acting alpha, being indifferent, trying to sabotage an ex’s rebound.
Lesson 8: Some things that are vastly underrated if not entirely ignored: (re)building self-esteem and self-worth, overcoming limiting beliefs, empathizing and relating, listening well, non-verbal communication, making emotional connections, developing character, having a good attitude, attachment styles, setting proper boundaries, caring about something other than getting your ex back, getting a fucking life.
Lesson 9: A breakup is a glaring sign of incompatibility. You probably shouldn’t try to get your ex back if it happens. Most relationships should never be saved. And besides, the odds of your ex coming back are low (30% at best), and the odds of keeping them even lower (15% at best). You’ll be much better off emotionally by finding someone else.
Lesson 10: The “get your ex back” industry is full of scammers and unscrupulous individuals who will exploit your vulnerabilities to sell you shoddy and overpriced products. But this is only possible because the industry is frothing with simps and codependents who are willing to butcher their identity and wreck their entire lives to save their relationship. Even though most of these people would just break up again briefly after getting back with their ex. Or worse, stay in a relationship that makes them miserable.
Lesson 11: Chasing your ex is the stupidest thing you can do after being dumped. They left you because they wanted less of you. So how will giving them more of you — more of the same desperate treatment — going to change their mind? Spoiler: it won’t. So give your ex what they want: space. Let them come back to you at their own pace. Let them go completely, and if they ever reach out again, take it from there. This isn’t only the most effective course of action; it’s also the most honorable one.
Lesson 12: When in doubt whether your ex likes you or not, polarize! Be vulnerable, assert the living shit out of your boundaries, and risk rejection. Get them to decide where they stand and whether they are willing, open, and able to work on mending your relationship. Then act accordingly. Never try to mend (or continue mending) things with someone who isn’t committed to helping you mend them as well. It takes two people to make a relationship work.
Lesson 13: Arguably my most controversial opinion. When getting an ex back, you need a mechanism that shields you from becoming their doormat and losing months of your life to the pursuit of futile reconciliation. Here’s one I recommend: if you and your ex haven’t yet kissed by the end of your second date, and/or if you haven’t yet had sex by the end of the fourth one, consider moving on for good. Take this as a guideline, of course. In general, the sooner you and your ex get sexual, the quicker and easier it will be to get emotionally reinvested in each other and mend your relationship.
Lesson 14: A massive reason so many people want their ex back so desperately is because they lack sexual experience and have never had any other relationship. Of course, their ex will feel special in those cases — even though they’re not. Therefore, go out and start dating other people as soon as reasonable. Yes, even if you still want your ex back!
Lesson 15: You shouldn’t invest in and improve yourself for your ex. Although you can have those intentions when you just broke up and are still hurting a lot. But after the initial weeks following your breakup, you should strictly focus on investing in and improving yourself for no other person than yourself.
Lesson 16: If you’re looking for honest, mature, and emotionally healthy advice in the breakup space, follow Corey Wayne and Craig Kenneth. Those are the people who helped me construct the foundation for my “get your ex back” philosophy and plopped my needy ass on the right path after my own breakups. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Lesson 17: The hardest part isn’t getting your ex back. That’s relatively simple. The hardest part is getting yourself into the right mindset and adopting the proper skills and knowledge that make you capable of keeping them for good — but not just in any relationship, but a healthy and sustainable one.
Lesson 18: Your transformation into a better, more well-rounded person is not enough to make your relationship work again, let alone thrive, after repairing it. What many people overlook — or deliberately try to forget — is that their ex has to undergo the same type of personal transformation for their relationship to work out. And even then, it’s uncertain if it ever will.
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