Toxic relationships suck. They torpedo your emotional and mental well-being and impede your personal growth. No one wants one, yet many keep ending up in them, primarily due to a lack of awareness concerning what makes a relationship toxic in the first place.
This is to be expected. No one taught us how to differentiate between a toxic and healthy relationship. There’s no “Relationship 101” class in schools, our parents probably haven’t done a good enough job explaining the topic, and most self-help and relationship literature hasn’t helped either.
Hopefully, the shit we’ll talk about below will help.
What Is a Toxic Relationship
Some define it as a relationship where you feel as though you’ve been run over, drained, and devalued. Some define it as a relationship full of emotionally and, not infrequently, physically damaging behaviors. And others define it as a relationship where partners don’t support each other and rather seek out conflict and drama. Then there are a thousand more theories thrown into the mix.
From my point of view, a toxic relationship is a relationship where one or both people are prioritizing love over healthy relationship components like respect, trust, honesty, loyalty, affection, empathy, and so forth.
Yes, you’ve heard it right. Love shouldn’t be the reason to stay in a relationship. If it is, you’d likely stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have the same views as you, with someone who cheats, lies, or abuses you, with someone who simply doesn’t treat you like you want to be treated. And in the end, you’d create a shallow, dysfunctional, and potentially abusive relationship.
12 Warning Signs Of A Toxic Relationship
Now, while I can’t ascertain if your relationship is toxic or not, I can help you recognize the telltale signs that indicate it is. Below are 12 most common ones. As you’ll see, some of them are obvious, others less so. Armed with this knowledge, you’ll be able to accurately determine the nature of your relationship and make an intelligent decision whether you should let it go or remain in it and mend things.
If there was cheating on either side of the relationship, I would immediately crown it as toxic. I don’t care if this cheating took the form of texting this one guy or girl in hopes of getting some affection or having a full-blown orgy with the whole neighbourhood. Both options and everything in between are glaring warning signs of a toxic relationship.
Generally speaking, people with low integrity will begin meeting and lining up new potential partners when they feel like their relationship is getting nowhere or going downhill. And when their partner screws up by either restricting their freedom too much (See: needy ) or by neglecting their emotional needs one too many times, they will cheat. Then comes the flood of lies trying to subdue the truth.
The typical strawberry jam on top of a cheaters’ peanut butter sandwich is that they take no responsibility for their actions after they cheat. In fact, they often justify them by telling themselves how anyone would react in the same way as they did if they were in the same situation.
2. Sacrificed Identities
After months of staying together, a couple’s identities (i.e., the shared values, beliefs, and lifestyle choices ) will inevitably begin to fuse. This fusion is natural, healthy, and to be expected. However, if one person starts to sacrifice their entire identity for the other, then that’s a sign that your relationship is toxic.
Think about it: if someone just sacrificed the very essence of who they are to please someone else, what does that make a person? Spineless, weak, inferior, low-opinionated, needy, codependent, and toxic are just some of the labels that spring to mind.
When you sacrifice your individuality for your partner, you’re no longer the person they fell in love with. Thus it’s only a matter of time before your relationship falls apart.
Being codependent goes hand-in-hand with our previous point. If one of the people in a relationship is codependent, meaning they are hungry for their partner’s validation and approval and can’t get those things, internally, from themselves, that relationship is easily considered toxic.
Codependency, in general, stems from a lack of self-love and respect, and the people who cultivate it usually rely on others to fill a void within themselves.
Most codependents love and respect themselves so little that even when they receive love and respect from others, they can hardly believe it’s authentic. They usually just shrug their shoulders and think, “what? How can you love me? You’re full of crap. I’m unlovable!” It’s a sad reality for most suffering from codependency.
4. Bad Communication
Healthy communicators are not afraid to speak their minds about the issues they’re facing or the sentiments and feelings they carry. Bad communicators are. Their hallmarks are indifference, coldness, stonewalling, guilt-tripping, a refusal to open up, lies, deceit, passive-aggressiveness, attempts at making their partner jealous, and the willingness to go forward with one’s ideas or plans despite fostering a severe dislike for them.
For example, if your partner revealed what’s bothering them and didn’t hold anything back when you tried to communicate with them, then they are a healthy communicator.
However, if that same partner never opened up emotionally and instead resorted to denying responsibility and emotionally shutting down, then they’re a bad communicator.
It’s that simple. Each of those traits is another sign of a toxic relationship to add to your list.
Did your partner even attempt to tear you down while you struggled with something, like losing weight, getting in shape, starting a business, or getting a degree? Did you even tear them down for those things?
Were they jealous of your success and wanted you to hang up your career or stop eating so well so they could feel better about where they were in those areas? Were you jealous about their success or ambition and wanted them to stop reaching for it?
Did they try to persuade or command you to put your career on hold so you could spend more time with them, even though that’s not what you wanted? Did you ever want to persuade or command them to put their career on hold to spend more time with you?
Did they try to make you feel guilty for working so many hours in hopes that you would cut it out? Did you even try to make them feel guilty for working so many hours in hopes that they would cut it out?
Did they try to change you in any shape, way, or form and not support the person you were becoming or became? Did you try to change them in any shape, way, or form and not support the person they were becoming or became?
If any of the above rings true, it’s a good indicator that your relationship is toxic.
6. Jealousy And Possessiveness
Did your partner ever give you a difficult time when you were out with your friends? Did they hate your guts when you said you’re going on the short bike ride by yourself? Did they throw a fit whenever the friend from next door called you? Were you ever acting in any of those ways?
Did your partner want you to snugly fit into their imaginary precepts, fucked-up narratives, and absurd expectations on how you should act and be and think? Did you ever want and expected the same from them?
Did they ever threaten to end the relationship if you weren’t prepared to change in the way they wanted? Have you ever done something similar?
As with our previous point, if any of the above rings true, it’s a sign your relationship is toxic.
Relationships are not a video game where you would track each character’s high score. If a couple keeps score on each other concerning how many kind gestures, loving words, or the chores their partner has done throughout the day, the whole relationship quickly gets toxic.
Partners turn away from each other instead of towards one another. They shift from being teammates to rivals, constantly locked in a fruitless battle of one-upping the other.
Here’s the reality: relationships are messy and chaotic. Nothing is ever a 50/50 split. Some days you’re going to be doing all the work. Other days your partner will get the short end of the stick. These shifts will never change. And frankly, you can’t change them even if you tried. So let go of the games, let go of keeping score. You’re in a relationship to give to the other person.
8. Constant blame
Suppose your partner continually blamed you when they felt unhappy because of a mistake they made or an event they had. In other words, they couldn’t take any personal responsibility for their actions. If that’s the case, it’s a clear-cut indicator that they’re a narcissist.
Narcissists are, by their very nature, unable to take any responsibility for their faults. They are abnormally optimistic, confident, and never doubt or blame themselves. You can probably sniff out a few at most self-development seminars.
A narcissist won’t take any personal responsibility or accountability because if they do, they would realize that they have imperfections like the rest of us, and that would freak them the fuck out. So they instead hide in their self-constructed armor of importance that prevents them from showing the world their endless shores of insecurities and shame.
9. Inability To Take A Joke
I don’t know about you, but I love to fuck around with my girlfriend. I love to call her all kinds of weird things and joke about some of her more annoying habits and quirks. It’s my way of showing affection. And the way she reacts to it is by laughing it off.
While some people would assume I’m an asshole, she knows I adore her and that everything I say, even if it’s a bit rude sometimes, is told out of my love for her.
Not all people are like that. Some partners react harshly when you tease and banter with them or make them the butt of the joke. If that reaction often produces drama or ends in crying, screaming or broken plates swooshing around the room, it’s a sign that your relationship is toxic.
10. Buying Gifts To solve Problems
When couples buy gifts or experiences to cover up their conflicts and relational problems instead of solving them, it’s a sign of a toxic relationship.
I see this time and time again. Two people get together, they face a problem, and instead of communicating and discussing it like adults, they start going on trips and showering their partner with new stuff and superficial pleasures, continuously covering up the real issues they should be dealing with.
This tendency is the equivalent of brushing a problem under the proverbial rug. And we all know what happens then: the problem re-emerges in the future, usually in a much more intense way.
Look, there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with buying nice things or experiences for your partner, as long as you do it with the right intentions: to show love, respect, and commitment. However, the same behaviors become toxic as soon as those intentions become to please your partner or avoid dealing with deeper emotional issues.
11. Inability to be yourself
Healthy relationships bring out the best in both partners. They foster mutual personal growth and allow them to feel safe being themselves without shame, embarrassment, or any second thoughts when it comes to self-expression.
Conversely, toxic relationships do the opposite; they bring out the worst in both partners. They hinder personal growth, make partners feel unsafe, insecure, and ashamed of being themselves. In general, they make the people involved feel like they’re constantly walking on eggshells and can’t speak their minds or be who they are.
If you feel like you can’t be who you are in your relationship and are only loved conditionally, it’s a glaring sign your relationship is toxic.
12. Perpetual overstepping of one’s Boundaries
Healthy boundaries facilities mutual emotional health, respect, trust and self-esteem. And while they are not a miracle cure for all relationship issues, they are pretty damn important.
If your relationship is healthy, both partners will respect each other’s boundaries. Asking for more alone time, telling your partner that they’re over-controlling, standing by your opinion, and not changing it to please them would all be met with respect and love.
Conversely, if your relationship is toxic, all of those boundaries would be instead met with anger, resentment, guilt-tripping, or passive-aggressiveness, which would inevitably lead to unnecessary conflict and drama.
Turning a toxic relationship into a healthy one
Rebuilding a toxic relationship is possible, but it will take a long time to happen.
For one, both partners have to be open to changing themselves. And I’m sad to say, but it’s surprisingly hard to find people who are open to doing that. And there’s no other solution to turning a toxic relationship healthy until both people are willing to change.
Both partners must also recognize the lack of trust, respect, and affection and be willing to work on it and communicate their differences healthily and without excessive blame, judgment, or name-calling. And don’t get me started on the sacrifices and compromises and, in some cases, even lifestyle changes that both people will have to make.
Ultimately, saving a toxic relationship is not easy and often not even worth doing. Most people decide to end it instead, and that’s okay —no shame in it. However, if you and your partner both really want to put in the effort, then it’s worth the inevitable struggle.
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