Exposing The 30-Day No Contact Rule Scam - Max Jancar
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Exposing The 30-Day No Contact Rule Scam

By Max Jancar | Published: April 27, 2023 | 12 Minute Read | Re-Attraction

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For those uninitiated, the 30-day no contact rule is generally peddled as a technique involving ignoring your ex for about 30 days to get them to miss you more, and then reaching out with some canned line or message.

It’s a common hoax dumpees fall for. Same story with 45 or 60-day no contact periods. They believe that if they don’t contact their ex for 30 days or so, this ex will magically start to miss them, become receptive, and immediately give another shot once they reach out.

Bullshit.

Once these poor dumpees actually reach out after their 30-day mark, what’s more likely to happen is that they’ll get bitchslapped by either a deafening silence or a scalding rejection.

Look. This whole 30-day no contact thing is nothing but a gimmick greedy gurus keep yammering on about because they know desperate people will pay for it because they want a quick fix. And the 30-day no contact rule is an exemplar of a quick fix.

It’s also what everyone fucking wants to hear. Because let’s be real. No one wants to listen to the person saying how they should leave their ex alone after getting dumped and only give them a shot at rekindling things when they reach out first.

Fuck that!

People want to hear what feels good — fight for your love, you can save your relationship all by godamn self, strike while the iron is hot, reach out in X-days, here, take this happy reminder text template.

Do you see the problem with this shit? Yes? Maybe? Ethics and stuff? It’s needy? …Here, let me go and unpack the whole thing for you.

I’ll start by listing reasons the 30-day no contact rule doesn’t work. Next, I’ll explain when it does and the signs indicating so. And last, I’ll put forward a more effective alternative.

Reasons For Why The 30-day no contact Rule Sucks

Here’s why the 30-day no contact rule does more harm than good, listed in no particular order.

1. The 30-day no contact Rule hijacks and sabotages the psychological process of detachment

The psychology behind the no contact rule goes like this:

Now here’s how waiting 30 days and then reaching out hijacks your ex’s potentially growing attraction and, err… fucks everything up.

2. The 30-day no contact rule Is Unproven (In fact, there’s evidence disproving it)

The 30-day no contact rule has no concrete studies backing up its effectiveness. Now I know gurus like your Brad Brownings and Chris Seiters claim the opposite. But they’re only telling you that because it’s what you want to hear — because it sells.

Truth is, all the data we have on reconciliation, even attraction in the context of dating, hones in on a singular principle: pursuing someone who rejects you only perpetuates more rejection.

Even worse, this person can take advantage of your codependency and use you for financial or emotional gain. And if they’re particularly fucked up, they may even pull you into an on-again/off-again relationship. That is, a relationship typified by umpteen ups and downs, as well as breakup-makeup cycles.

3. The 30-day no contact rule Only Encourages Performance, Leading To Inferiority

If you’re an avid reader of my blog, you know I’m a zealot for relationships based on raw and unrestrained vulnerability. Well, adhering to tactics like waiting 30 days and then reaching out with some canned line or whatever is the polar opposite of vulnerability.

It’s a performance behaviour — a behavior done specifically to game the other person, and come out on top. One that always ends up making you feel more inferior to the other person.

And what happens when you progressively start feeling inferior to your ex? You begin to seek out only more performance behaviours: never text twice, never talk about deeper topics, let getting back together be your ex’s idea, and so on.

A couple of weeks of this shit go by and your relationship suddenly becomes like a game of chess. You don’t need me to tell you how toxic that is.

But even more importantly, you become needier. And this neediness sooner or later bleeds through your behaviors and gets your ex to notice it. And when they do notice it, they get turned off as rejection inches ever so close.

4. The 30-day no contact rule Diverts Your Focus From Things That Matter

Most people who use the 30-day no contact rule get so obsessed about hitting that X-day mark and earning “permission” to reach out to their ex, that that’s all they think about.

As a result, they hardly put any effort into self-improvement — that which actually matters when trying to get back with an ex.

And what do you know! When they reach out to their ex after 30 days, still harbouring the same emotional issues, still making the same mistakes that got them into a breakup initially, they quickly sputter and stall like a busted engine.

5. The 30-day no contact rule Makes You More Irritating (Sometimes Even Infuriating)

For one, following this dumb 30-day no contact rule is annoying and predictable. After all, your ex eventually figures out that you’ll just reach every 30 days or so regardless of what they do. Put differently, they know they’ll receive their unearned dose of affection and approval without batting an eye. So no shit they won’t appreciate it.

Even worse, reaching out after 30 days implies you see your ex on a pedestal and foster low self-respect or none to begin with. Otherwise, why would you contact someone who expressed that they don’t want to hear from you through dumping you?

Here, let me wrench the knife even deeper. Following this time sensitive no contact rule also makes your ex feel as though your whole life revolves around them. And the minute your ex starts to suspect you chose them over yourself, you lose them.

6. The 30-day no contact rule Makes You Disrespectful

When your ex dumped you, they’ve insinuated that they want space and wish to have nothing to do with you.

And when you start bugging them, despite their desire for space, you’re insinuating back, “Fuck you, I want you back now, at my pace. And I don’t give two shits about what you want.”

You’re essentially, disrespecting their decision to leave, disregarding their desire for space, and figuratively spitting in their face — snot, breakfast bits and all.

7. Contacting Your Ex After 30 Days Usually Just Upsets Them

When we think of something funny, like a puppy pug wearing a dinosaur costume, we experiance an array of feel-good emotions attached to that vivid, mental image.

Your ex goes through a similar process process when they hear from you. They also construe a mental image of you in their mind. The difference, however, is that this image, as apposed to our puggy-wuggy, reeks of negative, painful emotions like sadness, anger, grief, or even resentment.

That’s why you normally just upset them when you start interacting with them prematurely. That is, before they reach out, giving you the green light for commencing re-attraction.

When does the 30-day no contact Rule work

In two cases. When your ex broke up with you in the heat of the moment, without thinking anything through. Or when they’re still dramatically attracted to you, and are merely mustering up the courage to reach out.

Now even if you’re caught in any of these two cases, it doesn’t mean you should just break no contact after 30 days. Hell no! Your ex still dumped you. Thus, make them work for you. Not to manipulate them of course, but to show them — and yourself — that your self-respect is still intact.

Think of it this way: if you start pampering your ex, doing all the heavy lifting from the get-go, they’ll never respect you. Granted they have a healthy dose of self-respect themselves. And if your ex cannot respect you, your chances of forming some healthy, lasting relationship with them are next to nil.

A Cheat Sheet For Pinpointing And Maximizing The Odds Of Reuniting With Your Ex

This free cheat sheet will take the guesswork out of re-attraction and show you how to catapult your chances of getting back with your ex sky-high.

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How to tell if the no contact rule is working?

Here are five telltale signs to look for.

Want to dive deeper? Click here to read an entire guide on the signs your ex still has feelings for you.

A better way exists: Indefinite no contact

So if our infamous 30-day no contact rule is a bad idea — which it is — what’s a good alternative? Well, I call it indefinite no contact. And while I wrote an entire guide about it (that you can read by clicking here), here’s the gist:

indefinite no contact is the equivalent of walking away and never looking back after getting dumped. It’s when you prioritize your own immediate well-being over mending your relationship. It’s when you focus exclusively on getting yourself back instead of concocting some elaborate plan to get your ex back.

Be warned though. Before you cut communication with your ex, clearly tell them about your desire to mend things.

If, after expressing this desire, your ex is receptive or implies they want to get back with you, invite them on a date. In this case, no contact isn’t required.

However, if your ex is cold and unreceptive, or if they’ve blocked, ghosted, ignored, or rejected you, end the conversation and carry on with no contact. And, as I wrote earlier, only give them a shot at mending things by inviting them of a date, if they reach out first.

(Optional) Top Questions About The 30-day no contact Rule

What if my ex starts dating someone else during no contact?

Expect it: it will probably happen eventually. There’s also nothing you can do about it so stay put. The more you force yourself into the situation or ask your ex about it, the more drama and resentment you’ll dig up. And the more drama and resentment, the lower the odds of getting them back.

What if my ex and I must communicate

Then opt for what’s called the modified no contact rule. It’s basically when you’re “allowed” to contact your ex and communicate but only if it’s important. For instance, in cases where you need to discuss pets, kids, living arrangements, a shared work project, possessions, etc.

What is the success rate of the no contact rule?

We’re not yet sure about the 30-day no contact rule. But when it comes do the indefinite variant, we’re talking in the ballpark of 70-90% regarding an ex reaching out and checking up on you.

Further Resources About The 30-Day no contact Rule

A Cheat Sheet For Pinpointing And Maximizing The Odds Of Reuniting With Your Ex

This free cheat sheet will take the guesswork out of re-attraction and show you how to catapult your chances of getting back with your ex sky-high.

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A Cheat Sheet For Pinpointing And Maximizing The Odds Of Reuniting With Your Ex

This free cheat sheet will take the guesswork out of re-attraction and show you how to catapult your chances of getting back with your ex sky-high.

Get The Free Cheat Sheet

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A Cheat Sheet For Pinpointing And Maximizing The Odds Of Reuniting With Your Ex

This free cheat sheet will take the guesswork out of re-attraction and show you how to catapult your chances of getting back with your ex sky-high.

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