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If you’re riddled with a sudden temptation to text your ex, stop and think if it’s worth it. Should you really do it? Should you rather just go and eat something instead? Should you hurl your phone across the room?
Here’s my advice: don’t do it. Texting your ex is almost never a good idea. It may work for a few (which we will get into later), but it’s the equivalent shooting your arm off for the majority.
The instant you hit send, you’ll be caught up in a whole new web of regrets and anxiety. And your self-worth will suffer for it. So in many ways, it’s just not worth it.
Reasons Why You Should Never Text Your Ex
If you honestly think about whether or not to text your ex — to send them that one message you think can change everything, think twice. Or better yet, read through this list of top reasons you should NEVER text your ex.
1. You Need To Take Your Time To Heal
Getting over a breakup, is a pain in the ass. And it takes a lot of time. It’s completely normal to have this impulsive need to talk to your ex during this time because you feel out of control and miss them. But before spiraling, you need to give yourself the time to heal. Not texting your ex will enable you to borrow that time.
And while self-control can be incredibly challenging, if you learn the craft well, you will emerge more resilient than ever. Eventually, and with repetition, you won’t even be thinking about texting your ex anymore.
2. If You’re Expecting Closure, Forget It
While you may expect that texting your ex will bring you some sort of closure, this just isn’t true. Nothing they say or do will make you feel any better. Besides, they probably don’t even know what to say or do. They’re likely just as confused as you are. And if they apologize after you make the first move, they probably aren’t genuine anyways.
You might even feel that by talking, you’ll be able to pinpoint what you lacked in your relationship so you can somehow “fix” yourself and get back together with them. Bullshit. You should never let your self-worth be attached to someone else this way. This sort of mindset will only make you go bonkers.
3. Don’t Give Your Ex The Satisfaction of Thinking You Aren’t Over Them
If you haven’t been talking to your ex, it’s natural that both of you may wonder if you have moved on or not. The moment you break no contact and text your ex, they may feel rather smug about themselves. Because to them, this is all the confirmation they need to know that you aren’t over them yet. Don’t give them that satisfaction. Focus on yourself.
4. You’ve Already Said Enough; Save Your Breath
Let’s say you text your ex. What do you expect to get out of it? What will you even say?
There is probably nothing you can say that you already haven’t said before. If you feel that you had to push to communicate with your ex when you were dating, which was likely draining and toxic for you, don’t expect it to be any different now. If they made no effort to communicate at that time, what makes you think they will do it now? You have said enough; it’s time to save your breath and precious energy. Redirect it to more fruitful goals instead.
5. You May Feel Relieved for Two Solid Minutes Before You Realize What You’ve Done
“It may feel good to text your ex.”
No, let’s make this more realistic.
“It will feel good to text your ex … for a minute or two.”
But right after reality sets in and you realize what you’ve done, you will regret it. Plus, you may have to think of the worst-case scenario. What if you text them while they are with someone? What if they flaunt your text in your social circle as an indication that you want to get back together with them? Some toxic exes relish that little ego boost. So, even if you feel nice for a bit, it’s not worth it long term.
6. Texting Your Ex Will Come Off As Needy
In many ways, when you text your ex, you’ll come off as needy and desperate. And if your goal is getting your ex back, your chances for reconciliation will likely plummet for it. So don’t risk it; it’s not worth it — 9 times out of 10, you’ll do more harm than good. Sometimes you may even turn them off to a point where they will start to feel relieved they left.
7. Don’t Let Your Ex Think You Have No Other Options
If you haven’t texted your ex for a long time, they may think you’ve moved on. The instant they get a message from you, they may settle with a new delusion that somehow they’re the best you can do or the only thing you have going on in your life. This is a big turn-off. But thankfully, one you can easily avoid.
8. Your Ex May Ignore You
When you hit send, you will be glued to your phone like a hawk waiting for a reply. You may very well wait the entire day for a reply. But once you realize they have no intention of texting you back, you may feel hurt, idiotic even. Save yourself the pain and embarrassment of going down that path and overcome the impulse to text them.
9. It’s Probably Time to Move On
If you’re feeling lonely or reminiscing over old times, don’t let it drive you to the extent that you text your ex. It’s time that you move on. You have no reason to waste your time and energy on something of the past. Instead, think of this as a chance to meet new people, connect with old friends or just spend time with yourself. Day by day, you’ll get through it and find yourself naturally moving on.
10. Think of the Past You, the Future You, And Respect Them
Before you text your ex, think about the past you. Think of the difficult times you went through before the downfall of your relationship. It’s rarely fair or healthy to try and reconnect with your ex after all that. Chances are, you won’t just be disrespecting your past self; but also your future self.
Now’s the time to create a future for yourself. Invest in the things that make you a better person. By texting your ex, you’ll only re-open your wounds of the past and perhaps jeopardize your future as well.
When Is It Appropriate To Text Your Ex
Generally speaking, you shouldn’t text an ex. But there are some situations where it’s appropriate and where you technically could text them. Here’s a list of these special cases.
- When you share responsibilities like children, pets, work, bills, or you live together.
- When you need to grab something that’s yours from their place (caveat: get a friend to pick up whatever you’re after).
- When you’re friends (caveat: but there’s not a shred of emotional baggage or the desire of getting back together present on either side).
When You Absolutely Should Not Text Your Ex
While there are situations when texting your ex is appropriate, there are also situations where texting them is not only inappropriate but also plain stupid. Here they are.
- You were in an abusive relationship, emotionally or physically.
- Your ex is trying to get revenge and harm you or your reputation.
- You’re just desperate and needy and want to get your ex back at all costs.
- When you just want to stop feeling grief and other uncomfortable feelings.
Further Resources For Dealing With Strong Urges To Text Your Ex
- I Miss My Ex (Why You Miss Them And How To Stop): na in-depth guide on how to lessen your urges to call or text your ex when you miss them like crazy.
- Should I Contact My Ex Who Dumped Me? (Spoiler: Hell No): a guide explaining why contacting your ex is unattractive and usually only leads to your ex resenting you more.
- The Ultimate Guide To The No Contact Rule: learn why not contacting your ex is so powerful, both in the context of breakup recovery and re-attraction.
- The Radical Re-Attraction Course OR The Radical Recovery Course: both courses contain heaps of exercises and activities that help you resist the temptation of texting your ex.
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