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Most people want to get over their breakup, forget their ex and move on to bigger and better things as fast as humanly possible so that everything is peaches, rainbows, and honeycombs again.
But what about the people who never want to move on? Those who find solace by drowning in pain and despair, those who relish holding a grudge, those who get turned on by bathing in the psychological cesspool of their own making — where’s their guide?
Right here, baby.
Never getting over a breakup and ending up miserable, wretched, and hopefully even suicidal is hard work. However, it’s not impossible. With the right methods, mindset, and a few easy choices, you can do it in a matter of weeks, under any circumstances.
You just need to know how.
Luckily for you, I’ve put together five of the most important points you need to focus on to make your depressing dreams a reality.
1. Focus on the bad; forget the good
The cool thing about being human and living in such a complex and incomprehensible world is that we can always find something shitty about our post-breakup life to rationalize and focus on.
Found yourself another suitable partner? Now you’re just going to get yourself into another breakup. Your friends prepared a surprise party to cheer you up? Now they’re going to have to take you to the hospital because you drank too much booze. Your boss gave you a week off due to your grieving? Now, you’re just going to be more stressed about all the extra work you’ll have to do afterward.
Your breakup, everything after, and the world as a whole can be a shitty place if you let it.
2. Blame your ex for the whole thing
Fuck responsibility. You’re too cool for that. Let your ex be the sole bearer of it. From now on, it’s them who’s responsible for your pain, misery, and heartbreak — including their pain, misery, and heartbreak.
Remember: you deserve a happy and painless life; don’t let your ex hinder it.
If you feel unworthy of love, it’s because your ex is evil. If you have daddy issues, it’s because your ex made them manifest themselves in your relationship. If you’re incapable of respecting yourself, it has to do with your ex being an asshole.
If you cheated on your ex, it’s because they haven’t kept meeting your emotional needs. If you repeatedly mocked and disparaged your ex, it’s because they asked for validation one too many times. If you found yourself throwing plates at your ex or slapping them or punching them, it has to do with them making an effort to piss you off.
Essentially, you’re the perpetual victim here, not your ex. And why wouldn’t you be? It’s the best position to be in.
It’s how you get an endless stream of sympathy, support, and well… attention. It’s how you get away with whining and complaining all the time. It’s how you can waste everyone’s time and energy with your shit under practically any condition.
3. Let your anger take the steering wheel
Repeat after me:
- My ex is an ungrateful bitch/asshole.
- My ex is an unworthy piece of shit — he/she has no inherent value as a human being whatsoever.
- My ex is an incompetent nincompoop in all areas of life.
- My ex deserves to die.
- My ex is dysfunctional and toxic.
- My ex is disgusting, repugnant, and plain hideous.
All done? Good.
Now write each of those sentences down at least 50 times. Then go through them, out loud, every morning and every evening. You can also write up a few of your own variations of mocking your ex and engrave even those onto your mind.
Holding a grudge against your ex will make you feel powerful and like you’re in full control of yourself. This is good. So why not take things even further?
Pick up your phone, call up your ex and tell them what a disgraceful and shitty person they are. And don’t forget to yell how the breakup is all their fault. (Remember #2! It’s all your ex’s fault)
4. Avoid becoming a better person
Most guides on getting over a breakup talk about self-improvement type stuff: get good sleep, join a gym, eat healthy, clean food, overcome neediness, rebuild your self-esteem, quit engaging in self-destructive activities, and so forth.
Logically, if you want to keep that warm and fuzzy feeling of heartbreak for eternity, you’ll have to do the opposite of self-improvement type stuff, that is, self-destruction type stuff. It even sounds cooler. So…
- Let yourself binge-eat crappy food. McDonald’s, KFC, Burger King, Wendy’s, IHOP are your new — and only — friends from now on. On the flip side, starving yourself is also a noble way of handling your post-breakup diet.
- Limit showers to only one per week, and stick to wearing the same pair of clothes for at least two. However, change your underwear every three days. We don’t want to stoop so low in the personal hygiene game.
- Limit exercise to…oh who am I kidding. Don’t exercise at all. Let your body fuse with your living room sofa, so the two of you become one.
- If you never drank, smoked, or took any other sort of drugs, now’s the perfect time to start taking them. And if you’re already an addict, good going, maybe double your doses.
- Show sleep whose boss. Keep yourself busy till 3 or 4 am, and then and be sure to wake up in time for work. Talking about work…
- Work each day for at least 14 hours. You want to overwork yourself. If you aren’t close to fainting or falling asleep at your desk, you’re doing something wrong.
- Forget about healing modalities like meditation, journaling, acceptance, gratitude, art therapy. They won’t help you stay stuck.
- Fuck the social media detox I keep harping about. Go on Facebook or Instagram and stalk your ex. Track their every move. Hell, masturbate to their pictures if you want to. Maybe even record the whole thing, and send them the video. Who gives a fuck.
- Avoid the no contact rule. Keep calling and texting your ex, and don’t shy away from “accidentally” driving to their house one day to check up on what they’re doing.
- Belittle and criticize yourself. Let no day pass by where you don’t call yourself an unworthy, unlovable, and incompetent piece of shit that you are.
- When people encourage you to open up, conquer your anxieties, develop a sense of self-respect or get a grasp over your heartbreak, run away or tell them to shut up. Their advice will make you a better person and push you farther from the misery you oh-so want to cling to.
5. Keep ruminating on your breakup
Make an effort to endlessly stew yourself in all the situations, words, arguments, gifts, favors, texts, that could, would, or have happened. Ponder on the “what if’s,” on what your ex is doing right now, on who else they’re are seeing, and on all the new things that keep popping up in their recently-freedom-full life while you’re bathing in grief.
Don’t Stop. Get obsessed! Don’t stop thinking about your ex until you can sense your brain boiling the blood around it. Keep ruminating about your breakup till it breaks you.
And when people want to help you — they will, trust me — tell them to go to hell. It’s not like they get you. No one gets what you went through, no one understands you, and no one felt or thought what you’ve felt and thought. You’re on your own.
Your breakup is so unique and unfathomable that anyone who attempts to understand your situation or connect with you over it is either being patronizing or outright manipulative.
The best part about staying heartbroken
When you’re perpetually heartbroken, people notice and then attention, validation, and words of reassurance quickly follow. You will finally get all that love and attention you never had, the love and attention you so desperately crave.
When you’re perpetually heartbroken, no one will expect anything of you. Don’t want to go to that family reunion? Now you have an excuse — “I’m still getting over my breakup.” And when you fuck up, you can always blame your ex and stay secure in victimhood rather than staying insecure in responsibility.
When you’re perpetually heartbroken, you can feel like everyone hates you and that the world is against you, while in reality, no one gives two shits about your problems, and the world hardly notices you at all.
When you’re perpetually heartbroken, you can wait for someone to come and save you instead of participating in your own rescue and saving yourself.
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