Finding Hope After Heartbreak - Max Jancar
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Finding Hope After Heartbreak

By Max Jancar | Updated: May 26, 2021 | 6 Minute Read | Growth

Finding Hope After Heartbreak

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If I’d turn back time to where I must relive my most painful breakup, the first thing I’d do after it — before hopping into meditation, journaling, therapy, gratitude, or any method of breakup recovery — is focus on finding hope to recover in the first place.

For without hope, I’d just sit in my room and feel sorry for myself teary-eyed. Instead of participating in my own rescue, I’d just carry on making out with entropy, stagnating and wasting my life away. And the same principles apply to you.

Hope is the catalyst and facilitator of strong mental and emotional health. Without it, our whole apparatus shuts down. If you don’t believe there’s a future after your breakup, that your life will improve in some way, that you’ll get better, you’ll die spiritually.

After all, if there’s no hope of things ever getting better, why do anything? Why try to make something of yourself? Why not just shoot yourself in the head and get this shit over with?

Understanding Hope

There are two major ways one can apprehend hope: a) as an emotion that makes us participate in our own rescue and b) as a coping mechanism that gets us through the aftermath of loss.

At its core, hope is when you still give a fuck about something despite your breakup, despite any adversity. But, as soon as you find yourself indifferent to it, you’re brushing at the contours of hopelessness.

Hopelessness is a belief that nothing matters anymore, that your future is meaningless, and that no matter what you do, you won’t get better — the world won’t get better.

Put differently, hopelessness is nihilism (not the good kind). The rejection of meaning. The belief that all is meaningless. The belief that everything is fucked. And this is where lots of breakup survivors get stuck.

They think that to recover, they need to better manage or overcome things like anxiety, depression, misery, ex-addiction, and their obsession about reconciliation.

Now, don’t get me wrong, focusing on these things does help. But it shouldn’t be a priority right after a breakup. The priority should be finding hope. For its hopelessness that is the source of all those emotional problems. And this is not an overstatement.

To paraphrase the author and modern philosopher Mark Manson: Chronic anxiety is a crisis of hope. It is the fear of a failed future. Depression is a crisis of hope. It is the belief in a meaningless future. Delusion, addiction, obsession — these are all the mind’s desperate and compulsive attempts at generating hope one neurotic tic or obsessive craving at a time.

How To Find Hope

The way one finds hope is by finding something to live, strive, suffer and, in the end, die for that’s more important than their breakup. At best, this something is a purpose, the biggest hope-sandwich one can eat.

However, I’m not referring to the spiritual bullshitty version with all the lofty expectations tied around it. No. What I’m referring to is the simple, down-to-earth purpose of “What should I be doing in my life that I like, that I’m somewhat good at, that I can make a living around, and that feels important.”

Figuring this out — especially now that we’ve stripped it of all the lofty woo-woo cosmic significance bullshit — is far simpler than you think. Usually, your purpose will be right in front of you, and it could also be more than one thing.

When I started my Internet business in 2016, I’ve been dabbling with all kinds of platforms, looking for one I was born to base my career around.

I wrote blog posts, filmed Youtube videos, recorded Podcasts, designed pins for Pinterest, and ran Facebook, Google, and Reddit ads, all at the same time. Basically, I’ve been all over the digital entrepreneur landscape. And looking back, the only thing that really stuck with me was blogging.

But despite writing three books and hundreds of posts already, it still didn’t occur to me. I still kept searching for that one thing I was meant to do, even though It was clear as day that I should double down on blogging.

On the one hand, what held me back was my lack of self-awareness —finding a purpose comes down to observing the mundane and obvious aspects of one’s life, after all — but on the other, it was my fear of failure.

But hey, that’s how purpose works.

Chances are, you already know what your purpose is but are just too afraid or insecure to pursue it. It’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just work on overcoming those fears and insecurities, and you’ll eventually get to your purpose. It’s really that simple. Sometimes you don’t even need to do anything else but grow up.

A Cheat Sheet For Turning a Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You

With over 40 actionable and therapy-approved tips, this free cheat sheet will help you stop obsessing over your ex and cut your time to feeling great again in half.

Get The Free Cheat Sheet

Pursue Hope Even Though It’s A Ghost

As much as hope is paramount for leading a happy and fulfilling life, the uncomfortable reality is that it’s nothing but an illusion. The universe doesn’t care whether you find solace or put a bullet in your head. It doesn’t care about your happiness, your recovery, your mental health. It couldn’t care less.

It’s you who cares.

So you desperately delude yourself that there’s some grand importance behind accomplishing your post-breakup goals, that there’s some great meaning behind bravely enduring, and eventually overcoming, your suffering for whatever cause.

But, there is none. There is no grand importance or great meaning behind it. You’ve just made that shit up. Even your self-importance is imaginary. And your actions mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. You are nothing. We are nothing.

Any rebuttal to those things is only your hope talking. But that’s okay. It’s a healthy form of delusion that keeps hopelessness and nihilism at bay with it. So be brave and embrace it.

Hell. Go and actively search out your hope. But not just any hope; a sustainable, realistic, robust, and powerful one. A form of hope that cuts through the infinite static a breakup entraps you in. A form of hope that can carry you into calmer, happier days.

If you need more help healing from your breakup, check out my Radical Recovery Course. With over 5h of video, 200 pages of writing, and personalized 1-on-1 coaching, I'll walk you through every step of the recovery process from start to finish.

A Cheat Sheet For Turning a Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You

With over 40 actionable and therapy-approved tips, this free cheat sheet will help you stop obsessing over your ex and cut your time to feeling great again in half.

Get The Free Cheat Sheet

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A Cheat Sheet For Turning a Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You

With over 40 actionable and therapy-approved tips, this free cheat sheet will help you stop obsessing over your ex and cut your time to feeling great again in half.

Get The Free Cheat Sheet

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A Cheat Sheet For Turning a Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You

With over 40 actionable and therapy-approved tips, this free cheat sheet will help you stop obsessing over your ex and cut your time to feeling great again in half.

Get The Free Cheat Sheet

Not Interested.