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Getting some sweet revenge on your ex is no cakewalk. It takes grit, persistence, discipline, and a mind plagued with malice. And to ruin their life? Well, to pull that off, you must be on an entirely different level of nefarious.
But don’t sweat it! Uncle Mad Max has your back. I’ve gone ahead and made a game plan for you, so you don’t have to think about how to get revenge on your ex. Just follow the steps outlined in this guide.
And if you put your mind to it and are skilled in covering your tracks, you could potentially even ruin their life. And why not set lofty goals? Hitler did it, and look what he accomplished. So did Putin. What, too soon?
Look. If you’re already determined to embark on a path of vengeance and retribution, you might as well go all in. So toss any doubts out the bitchin’ window, and trust the process. Apply my plan, and I swear to God you’ll make your ex’s life a living hell.
The Big Picture To Getting Revenge On Your Ex
My master plan is loosely based on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. So before progressing to its steps, it’s wise to understand the theory underpinning them. This way, you won’t blindly follow orders but will be able to think for yourself and improvise where necessary. So here’s a brief introduction.
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a motivational theory in psychology that describes the different stages of human needs and how they interact with one another. According to Maslow’s theory, people have five different categories of needs, which are arranged in a hierarchy from the most basic to the most complex.
The five categories of needs are:
- Physiological needs: These are the most basic needs that are necessary for survival, such as food, water, air, shelter, sleep, and sex.
- Safety needs: Once physiological needs are met, people seek safety and security. This includes physical safety as well as financial, health, and emotional security.
- Love and belongingness needs: Once physiological and safety needs are met, people seek social connections and a sense of belonging. This includes the need for friendships, family, intimacy, and a sense of community.
- Esteem needs: Once the first three needs are met, people seek recognition, respect, and a sense of self-worth. This includes the need for achievement, status, reputation, and appreciation.
- Self-actualization needs: This is the highest level of the hierarchy, which involves realizing one’s full potential and achieving personal growth and fulfillment. This includes the need for creativity, problem-solving, and personal growth.
According to Maslow’s theory, people must satisfy the lower-level needs before they can progress to the higher-level needs. Additionally, if lower-level needs are not met, people may become fixated on satisfying them and be unable to progress to higher levels. The hierarchy is often depicted as a pyramid, with the most basic needs at the bottom and the highest needs at the top.
Now here’s how you can use this theory to get revenge on your ex: by sabotaging their most basic needs and gradually making your way to the top ones, you might make their mind and body go amok. At that point, you won’t even have to worry about ruining their life anymore. Just wait and watch how they ruin it themselves.
Onward to the master plan…
How To Get Revenge On Your Ex In 5 Simple Steps
Step 1: Demolish Physiological Needs
1. Send a fake email in your ex’s name to their boss. Maybe one about how they hate working for him/her and how they’re quitting. Or perhaps one where you call their boss some vulgar name and insult his/her spouse. Get creative.
2. Hire a band to play next to your ex’s window. And make sure they play every night for at least a week. You want your ex as sleep-deprived as possible, for it’s only then that they’ll start making some truly terrible decisions.
3. Break your ex’s AC unit. Carefully drill a hole in its piping so that all the freon leaks out, at which point the unit will burn out shortly after running for a few hours (bonus points if your ex lives in a scorching or freezing climate).
4. Release rats in your ex’s home. Preferably when they’re not there so that the rats have enough time to chew on their food, home wiring, and furniture. You could also starve them beforehand so they go batshit crazy when released.
5. Blow some shit up. To borrow from Fight Club, “There are three ways to make napalm: One, you can mix equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate. Two, you can mix equal parts of gasoline and diet cola. Three, you can dissolve crumbled cat litter in gasoline until the mixture is thick.”
Step 2: Tear Down Safety Needs
1. Redecorate your ex’s car. Slash the tires, carve your name in the seats, break all the lights and windows, smear it with the blood of some dead animal.
2. Hack your ex’s credit card. Obviously hire someone from the dark web to do this for you if you can’t do it yourself.
3. Conjure up an “in memory of” profile for your ex — that is, a fake profile on whichever social media platform they are most active on. Call it “In the memory of [your ex’s full name].” Then start adding or following their friends, so they see it.
4. Mail raw animal meat to your ex. Be sure that the box is also filled with blood and includes a creepy note safely taped on the inside — something that reads, “This could be you one day.”
5. Download child pornography on your ex’s computer and report them. Writing “Die Pedo Scum” on their front door is the icing on the cake.
Step 3: Wipe Out Love and Belongingness Needs
1. Fuck your ex’s best friend. I don’t care if they’re hot or not. Just do it.
2. Call or message your ex’s friends. Then lie about how they talked behind their back. Similarly, pick one of the more gullible ones and lie how your ex slept with their partner or something.
3. Learn Photoshop. You don’t need me to explain how you can destroy someone’s life by photoshopping the living bejesus out of their photos and posting them all over social media.
4. Call your ex’s parents. Then tell them how you’ve got your ex pregnant and how they’ve gotten an abortion.
5. Start posting how well you’re doing on social media. Document your sexploits. Post pictures posing with hot people of the opposite sex. Convince random folk to write flirty comments under your social media posts.
Step 4: Destroy Esteem Needs
1. Blame your ex for the breakup. But prepare beforehand! Take out a sheet of paper and write down all the reasons why you think your ex screwed up your relationship. Then call them up and list those reasons to them. Don’t worry if they hang up. Just continue listing the bulletpoints via text until you’ve exhausted your list.
2. Use your ex’s flaws against them. You’ve been with them for long enough to discern some of their imperfections and insecurities, right? Now start pointing them out, one by one, day-in and day-out.
3. Make your ex believe they’re a bad person. Scold, reproach, and belittle them until they break down and start feeling like an unworthy sack of shit they are.
4. At the height of your ex’s despair, tell them even therapy/shrink/God won’t help. Because after you’re through with this plan, it really won’t.
5. Tell your ex to grab a noose. Don’t forget to explain exactly why you think they’re a plague to society, why their life doesn’t mean jack shit, and why they’ll be better off ending it. Go wild on their ass.
Step 5: Wreck Self-Actualization Needs
If your ex’s self-actualization needs involve reaching certain business goals, ridicule them about being a lazy and stupid fuck who will never hit them.
If your ex’s self-actualization needs involve forming a loving family, ridicule them about how they’ll never be a good parent, find someone worthwhile, and will probably die alone.
If your ex’s self-actualization needs involve fashioning an academic/intellectual career — like becoming a doctor or scientist — ridicule them about being too stupid and undisciplined to ever achieve such dreams.
If your ex has no purpose and no need for self-actualization — which is normal for some people according to Maslow — ridicule them for their lack of direction. And always stay vigilant for any inch of it that may pop up in the future. For if it does, it’s your responsibility to squash it.
Disclaimer: This article is intended to be satire. I do not endorse these behaviors and strongly encourage you to make a careful note of potential legal penalties. Oh yeah, and if you actually want to get revenge on your ex in any of these ways, grow the fuck up; you fucking idiot. Peace.
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