Getting revenge on your ex is no cakewalk. It takes grit, persistence, discipline, and of course, a mind plagued with malice. And to ruin their life… well, to do that, you must be on an entirely new level of nefarious.
That being said, don’t sweat it. Uncle Mad Max has got your back. I’ve gone ahead and made a game plan for you, so you don’t have to think about how to get revenge on your ex. Just follow the steps I outline below, and you’ll be well on your way.
And if you put your mind to it and are proficient in covering your tracks, you could potentially even ruin their life. And why not set lofty goals?
If you’re already determined to embark on a path of vengeance and retribution, you might as well go all in. So toss any doubts out the window, and trust the plan. Follow it from A to Z, and, I promise you, you’ll make your ex’s life a living hell.
And whenever you’re in doubt about getting revenge on your ex, remind yourself of a simple abbreviation: WWAHD. It reads: What Would Adolf Hitler Do? After a few minutes of pondering the question, you’ll likely regain your clarity and confidence to move forward.
How To Get Revenge On Your Ex The Right Way
My master plan is loosely based on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. So before progressing to the actual steps that I baked in, strive to understand their underlying theory. This way, you won’t turn to blindly following orders but will be able to think with your own head and improvise when and where necessary.
For starters, take a look at this picture.
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is often portrayed as a pyramid with the basic and concrete needs being at the bottom (i.e., food, water, shelter, etc.) and higher-level and abstract ones being at the top (i.e., self-fulfillment, intimacy, purpose, etc.).
According to Maslow, only when you meet one of your more basic needs will the next one higher up the pyramid become your focus of attention. In other words, you can’t meet your higher-level needs without first meeting the lower-level ones.
Now here’s how you can use this theory to get revenge on your ex: by sabotaging their most basic needs and gradually making your way to the top ones, you’ll make their mind and body go amok.
At that point, you usually don’t even have to worry about ruining their life anymore. Just wait and watch how they ruin it themselves. It’s a magical sight to witness — one best accompanied by popcorn and a glass of your favorite wine.
Step 1: Demolishing Physiological Needs
Physiological needs are positioned at the bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy and include air, water, food, sex, sleep, clothes, and shelter. Essentially, the needs that keep our bodies in homeostasis. Now, while you can’t always sabotage all of these needs, you can sabotage enough of them to get the momentum going.
1. Send a fake email to your ex’s boss. You can send an email in your ex’s name about how they’re quitting. You can send one that calls their boss vulgar names. Or you can send one from your own address about, for example, how you’ve caught your ex with the boss’s wife or husband. Be creative! You’ll figure something out.
2. Hire a band to play next to your ex’s window. Preferably a garage band since they’re relatively cheap. And make sure they play every night for at least a week. You want your ex as sleep-deprived as possible, for it’s only then that they’ll make terrible decisions.
3. Break your ex’s AC unit. Carefully drill a hole in its piping so that all the freon leaks out, at which point the unit will burn out shortly after running for a few hours. (Bonus points if your ex lives in a scorching or freezing climate).
4. Release rats into your ex’s home. Preferably when they’re not there so the rats have a lot of time to chew on their food, home wiring, and furniture. You could also starve the rats then sprinkle your ex’s home with treats to motivate them to cause even more property damage.
5. Blow shit up. To borrow from Fight Club, “There are three ways to make napalm: One, you can mix equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate. Two, you can mix equal parts of gasoline and diet cola. Three, you can dissolve crumbled cat litter in gasoline until the mixture is thick.”
Step 2: Demolishing Safety Needs
Safety needs include health, personal security, emotional security, and financial security — and it’s where things get real fun. I mean, let’s face it; what’s a better way to get revenge on your ex and cause havoc in their life than endangering their feelings of safety?
1. Redecorate your ex’s car by slashing all four tires, carving your name in the seats, breaking all its lights and windows, and painting it with the blood of your ex’s pet that you gutted with a butter-knife.
2. Shit on your ex’s doorstep. Self-explanatory. Nothing screams “I hate you” more than shitting on someone’s doorstep.
3. Hack your ex’s credit card. Not by yourself, of course! Instead, hire someone from the dark web to do this for you. If you’d do it yourself, you’d probably screw up. However, here’s something you can do…
4. Create an “in memory of” profile for your ex. Create a fake profile on whichever social media platform your ex is most active on and title it “In the memory of [your ex’s full name].” Then start adding or following all of their friends, so they see it. Hopefully, your ex also sees it promptly begins to panic.
5. Mail your ex raw animal meat. Be sure that the box containing the raw meat is also filled with blood and includes a creepy note of sort safely taped on the inside. Something that reads, “This could be you one day.”
6. Stalk your ex, take their photos (preferably unflattering or nude ones), post them on a website you created under their name, and promote the living shit out of it to all their friends. (For bonus points, send your ex the link to the website directly).
7. Download child pornography on their computer and report them. And writing “Die Pedo Scum” on their front door is the icing on the cake.
Step 3: Demolishing Love and social belonging Needs
Now that you’ve obliterated your ex’s most fundamental needs, it’s time to tackle their needs for love and belonging: family, friendship, and intimacy.
1. Fuck your ex’s best friend. I don’t care if they’re hot or not. They’re the unequivocal best friend, and rarely anything will make your ex more emotionally distraught than having an entanglement with them.
2. Call up your ex’s other friends. Then lie about how they talked behind their backs. For best results, be sure to point out their insecurities and how your ex made fun of them specifically.
3. Call up one of your ex’s friends. And tell them they’ve been cheating with their boyfriend/girlfriend. You can even photoshop your ex with them and send that picture to your ex’s friend. In fact…
4. Learn Photoshop. You don’t need me to explain how you can destroy someone’s life by photoshopping the living bejesus out of one of their pictures and posting it all over their school or office.
5. Call up your ex’s parents. Then tell them how you’ve got them pregnant and how they’ve gotten an abortion. Also: don’t say you’re sorry.
6. Start posting how well you’re doing on social media. Start documenting your nightlife adventures, taking pictures with other attractive people of the opposite sex, and just about anything that will spark jealousy in your ex. You can even lie about your adventures and bribe attractive people to take a photo with you and write a flirty commend under it when you post it on social media.
7. When your ex finds a new partner, anonymously message them about what they did. Let them know them your ex is bad news. Let them know to sleep with one eye open. Let them know to expect to be dumped or cheated on shortly. Make crazy shit up if you must — we’re in it for vengeance, after all.
Step 4: Demolishing Esteem Needs
Esteem needs include feeling confident and good about yourself and feeling like you matter and are valuable to others. When your ex’s esteem needs are met, they feel confident and see their contributions and achievements as valuable and important. But, when their esteem needs are not met, they will often experience feelings of inferiority — a.k.a, exactly what you want. Here’s how to make them feel this way.
1. Blame your ex for the breakup. Be prepared for this! Take out a sheet of paper and write down all the reasons why you think your ex screwed up your relationship and all the reasons why you think you’re innocent. Then call them up and list those reasons to them. Don’t worry if they hang up. Just continue listing your reasons via text messages until you’re done.
2. Make your ex believe they’re a bad person. Feel free to try this as soon as you list all the reasons the breakup is their fault. Essentially, you should scold, reproach, and belittle your ex until they break down and start feeling like an unworthy sack of shit that they are.
3. Use your ex’s flaws against them. You’ve been with them for long enough to discern some of their imperfections and insecurities. Now start pointing them out, one by one, and spell out to your ex how horrible it is that they have them and how much they make them bad, flawed, or unworthy.
4. At the height of your ex’s sadness, tell them even therapy won’t help. Because after you’re through with this plan, it really won’t.
5. Tell them to grab a noose. But before the punchline, explain exactly why you think they’re a plague to society, why their life doesn’t mean jack shit, and why they’ll be better off ending it.
Step 5: Demolishing self-actualization Needs
Self-actualization needs refer to feeling fulfilled and like you’ve lived up to your potential. Now, this is the trickiest part of getting revenge on your ex because you have to know what their self-actualization needs are specifically — and everyone has different ones.
Suppose your ex’s self-actualization needs involve hitting certain goals in their business. In that case, ridicule them about how lazy and stupid they are, how they’re never going to hit their entrepreneurial goals, or how their products or service sucks.
Suppose your ex’s self-actualization needs involve forming a loving family. In that case, ridicule them about how they’ll never form it because they’re such a horrible person, bad mother/father, and just an all-around fuckup.
Or suppose your ex’s self-actualization needs involve an academic and intellectual career — perhaps they want to become a doctor of a sort. In that case, ridicule them about how stupid and undisciplined they are and how they’re never going to pass the exams and tests that await them on their career path.
If your ex has no purpose and no need for self-actualization — which is normal for most people according to Maslow — scoff and make fun of their overall usefulness as a person and stay vigilant of any desire for purpose that may sprout up. For if it does, it’s your responsibility as a despicable fiend to squash it.
How Not To Get Revenge On Your Ex
While planning and researching for this sick plan for over 30 years now (give or take a few), I came across a bunch of other techniques for getting revenge on an ex that I deem ineffective and stupid. Worst of all, they suck all the pain and hate out of you and open the doors to feeling content — a weak people’s emotion.
Below are five such tips. Hopefully, by pointing them out, you’ll have an easier time avoiding them and retaining your negative disposition.
Go out with your friends. Listen up, fuckface. There are only two types of friends in this world. Those who screw you over and those that you screw over. What side do you want to be on?
Flirt with other people whenever your ex is around. While flirting with other people is fine when you’re about to rub it in your ex’s face, doing it for yourself because it’s somehow fun is not. How the hell do you think you’ll get others to feel sorry for you if they see you having fun?
Take care of your well-being: eat healthy, buy new clothes, do meditation or journaling, start exercising, celebrate all the things that are going well in your life, etc… Don’t make me vomit. This is a waste of time. You should spend all of your waking energy devising, scheming, and plotting the next big thing that will get you your sweet and succulent revenge.
Feel your emotions. What are you, a stinking hippie? The only emotion that matters is the joy you get when you see your ex’s life falling apart. Every other emotion is more or less irrelevant, and there’s no point in feeling them. Suppress them instead.
Go no contact. Consider this: how will you get revenge on your ex if you suddenly decide not to communicate with them? Who will tell them that their life doesn’t mean anything? Who will mock their family? Who will sabotage their well-being? Who if not you? Fuck no contact, I say!
Forgive your ex. Forgiving your ex is the equivalent of handing over your supervillain mantle, along with your superpowers and indomitable will, to the next random person. Like that ever works out!
The Best Part About Getting Revenge on your ex
Whenever you’re trying to get revenge on your ex, you’re losing sleep, self-respect, and peace of mind. This is great. It leads to neuroticism, which then leads to becoming detail-oriented, pedantic, and perfectionist — all useful qualities to have when the cops find out what you’re doing.
Whenever you’re trying to get revenge on your ex, you’re postponing your breakup recovery and putting more fuel on your misery. This is great. Now you can play the victim and actually get away with it since the people around you will clearly see that you’re hurting.
Whenever you’re trying to get revenge on your ex, you’re wasting weeks, months, or even years of your life. This is great. What else would you do in a meaningless and futile life if not waste it by making someone else’s a living hell?
Whenever you’re trying to get revenge on your ex, you’re communicating you have nothing better going on in your life. One last time: this is great. What you have there is the perfect excuse to feel sorry for yourself, play the victim, and demand a helping hand — you totally deserve it, after all.
All of this is beautiful. Everything outside it is not. So I hope with all my heart (well… what’s left of it), that you never re-direct the energy you’re using for getting revenge on your ex to trifling and banal goals like moving up the corporate ladder, finding the love of your life, or worst of all, growing as a person — “vomits.”
Disclaimer: This is intended to be satire. With the exception of the “How Not to Get Revenge on Your Ex” section, I do not endorse these behaviors and strongly encourage you to make a careful note of potential legal penalties and also to grow the hell up.
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