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Going through a breakup is hard enough, but when your ex leaves you for someone else, the pain and heartache can feel unbearable. You may be left wondering what went wrong and why you weren’t good enough. Undoubtedly, it’s a difficult situation to navigate.
But here are some tips on what you should focus on to heal faster, my answers to a few common questions surrounding this topic, and a couple of uncomfortable truths about your ex leaving you for someone else that you just need to hear and stomach.
Let’s get into it.
10 Tips For Bouncing Back After Your Ex Left You For Someone else
Below, I’ll explore 10 tips to help you handle the situation when your ex leaves you for someone else. Whether you’re looking for ways to cope with your emotions or advice for moving on, these tips will help you navigate this challenging time with grace and resilience. So, if you’re struggling to come to terms with your ex’s new relationship, read on.
1. Give Yourself Time And Permission To Grieve
When your ex leaves you for someone else, it’s important to allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship. Even though that’s rarely easy to accept, it’s necessary.
And don’t be shy about it! Grieving is a natural response to loss. It’s okay to cry, scream, and punch random inanimate objects. Fuck you toaster, here’s a knuckle sandwich for ya! Let yourself express your feelings. Never suppress or avoid them. Although, be sure that when you express them, you do so in ways that don’t harm yourself and others.
2. Don’t Rush Things; Take It Easy
It’s common to want to rush through the healing process when you’ve been hurt, especially when your ex leaves you for someone else. However, trying to rush through it can be counterproductive and may even prolong the healing process.
Healing takes time, so give yourself plenty of it to process your emotions and get unstuck. Trying to speed up the process may cause you to skip important steps like acknowledging your feelings, rebuilding keystone habits, or practicing self-care.
Talking of self-care…
3. Practice self-care and seek support
When your ex leaves you for someone else, it’s crucial to prioritize self-care and seek support from those around you — friends, family, even professionals.
Therefore, adhere to the following: rally your support system and lean on it. Seek advice and feedback, ask for support and a listening ear. And concerning self-care, do stuff that you know is healthy for you: get your sleep in order, get your health sorted out, go out with friends, etc.
4. Go On A Social Media Detox
One of the most challenging aspects of a breakup when your ex leaves you for someone else is seeing updates about their new relationship on social media. To avoid this, it’s important to go on a social media detox. And while I already wrote a whole article on it, here’s how to start.
First, unfollow your ex on social media. Then delete your chats and email and texting exchanges. Next, delete their number and all your photos and videos. And last, stay off social media for a few months. Or at least distance yourself from it.
5. Don’t compare yourself to the new partner
When your ex leaves you for someone else, it’s easy to compare yourself to their new partner. You may wonder what they have that you don’t, or what qualities you lack. Don’t fucking do this. Remember that comparison isn’t helpful and always leads to negative self-talk. At worst, self-hatred.
Everyone has their own unique qualities and strengths, and just because your ex chose someone else doesn’t mean that you’re any less worthy of love, happiness, and all that good shit. So focus on your own journey and growth, and avoid comparing yourself to others.
6. Take a break from talking to your ex
It can be tempting to reach out to them and try to understand why they left, or even try to convince them to come back. However, this is often unproductive and only makes things worse.
But taking a break from communication (see: the no contact rule) can give you the space and time you need to process your emotions and focus on your own healing. It can also help you gain perspective on the situation and potentially lead to a more productive conversation down the road. And with it, a higher likelihood of rekindling things.
7. Don’t try to convince your ex to come back
Trying to convince your ex to come back after they’ve left you for someone else is just dumb. It just implies you’re desperate and needy, and hinders your chances of rekindling things as a result.
I get you sometimes want your ex back, but you also want someone who is willing and able to cultivate a relationship with you. You don’t really want someone whose already fucking somebody else and sees you as nothing more but a plan B.
8. Avoid getting into an argument
Arguments will only further damage your relationship. If you still have to interact with your ex — perhaps you have kids or pets or live or work together — remain calm and respectful.
And if you get to emotional, don’t be shy about taking a break and returning to the conversation once you’re not acting like a train-wreck anymore.
9. Rediscover Yourself
You may feel lost at the moment, but by focusing on the things that bring you joy and fulfilment, you can get unstuck emotionally. So take up a new hobby or revisit an old one, and make time for exciting activities in general. This can also help boost your confidence and self-esteem, which further leads to positive outcomes not just in breakup recovery, but virtually all aspects of life.
Similarly, set goals and work toward hitting them. Whether it’s a personal or professional one, having something to work towards can help you focus on the future and take your mind off the past. It can also help you become more assertive and sure of yourself and may bring about some much needed sense of purpose and direction in your life.
10. Don’t blame yourself
For one, it can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and low self-esteem, which can in turn lead to depression and anxiety. It can also make you more likely to talk down to yourself and engage in self-harm. And if that’s not enough, it’s a waste of time too.
You can’t turn back time. You can’t undo your fuckups. You can’t control the uncontrollable. So let go of blame. As the old proverb goes: “what has happened has happened and it couldn’t have happened any other way.”
4 Uncanny Truths About Your Ex Leaving You For Someone Else
If you’re like most people whose ex left them for someone else, you’re probably so bent up about it that you completely overlook the following truths. This is unsurprising. Most breakup experts hide them from you, largely because they’re uncomfortable to hear and rile people up.
But I’m too honest for that shit. Plus, coming to grips with these truths makes you a more well-rounded person. So here they are, undressed and gutted, in all their beautiful sadness.
Truth #1: Your Ex Leaving You For Someone Else Is A Reason For Celebration
If your ex left you for someone else, it’s because they value self-gratification over intimacy.
Think of self-gratification as the need to do something selfish that feels good in the moment (i.e., indulge in good food, get lots of sleep, work very little, have good sex, etc.) and intimacy as the need for closeness, connectedness, familiarity, and being loved.
So if a person prioritizes self-gratification over intimacy in their relationship, they will stop sacrificing for it and cheat. Whereas if they prioritize intimacy over self-gratification, they will willingly sacrifice some of it to remain faithful.
This brings us to why your ex cheated in the first place. Stemming from the theory above, there are two valid reasons.
- The first is because they’re a shallow and selfish person that needs to be gratified constantly.
- The second — which we’ll cover later — is because your relationship failed to provide sufficient intimacy.
Let’s focus on the first reason your ex left you for someone else. Here’s what went on in their mind: they essentially favored banging someone else over deferring their gratification in favor of having a committed and healthy relationship with you.
The self-gratifying cheater comes in two types:
1. A person who always focuses on their own gratification because they feel so miserable about themselves and their life that they need to make themselves feel good to cover it all up. For example: deadbeats, losers, slackers, drunks, druggies, and social parasites.
2. A person who always focuses on their own gratification because they are in power and have no one to say “no” to them. Note that this could but doesn’t always relate to social power. We can also plop someone with complete control and authority in their romantic relationship in this category.
The point of all this is to say that you’ve dodged a bullet by breaking up with your ex. The fact that they left you for someone else reflects an inherent character flaw — a flaw you don’t want to risk having in a serious partner. So pour yourself a drink and celebrate.
Truth #2: Your Ex Leaving You For Someone Else Is A Signal For Much-Needed Self-Improvement
As I mentioned earlier, your ex left you for someone else because your relationship lacked sufficient intimacy. This means you’ve likely been turning them off somehow and, as a result, proliferated their resentment and misery.
Here are two examples of how people pull off this maneuver with their ex:
1. They cultivated a relationship where one person feels as though they “do everything” for the other — they take care of them, give them everything they want, perhaps even support them. While you may think you were a healthy partner doing this, you were actually toxic. Because when you took care of all of your ex’s problems, you’ve shown them that there are no repercussions for their actions. And if there are no repercussions for their actions, no matter how disrespectful they are toward you, you’re just inviting (in psych terms, “enabling”) them to give you more of the same shitty treatment.
2. They cultivated a relationship riddled with possessiveness and jealousy. If you constantly nagged your ex about giving you their phone or looked through it without permission, or you demanded they tell you where they are going and with who they are meeting up, or you got pissed off if they didn’t return your call in a certain timeframe — these are all instances of possessiveness and jealousness. And it’s these instances that made your ex cheat. I mean, you’ve already been treating them like they have cheated.
The main problem here is awareness; most people don’t detect their ex was miserable and resented them. Instead, they feel as though everything was fun and fellatio. Therefore, self-improvement is paramount.
You not only need to develop greater awareness; you also must learn from the mistakes of your ex-relationship, resolve the emotional issues that led you to make them, and avoid repeating them in your next relationship.
Truth #3: Your Ex Was Planning To Leave You For Someone Else Weeks Or Months Before They Did It
Most people think their ex left them for someone else on a whim. The truth is, however, they’ve been planning to do it for weeks or even months before they’ve actually betrayed you.
It was, in fact, during this reflective period that they got over you and gathered enough courage to cheat in the first place. After all, they had plenty of time to mourn your relationship and relinquish any emotional attachment for you. And your replacement definitely made your ex’s disconnect as painless as possible.
Even worse, your ex likely indicated they’re losing attraction and that you keep turning them off somehow — and that there is someone else in the background. Maybe they even outright told you what you’re doing wrong and tried to help you revive your relationship.
But since you’re here, you were probably so intoxicated by your own high attraction that you completely overlooked your ex’s hints, aid, and gradual decline in attraction. That is until it was already too late.
Truth #4: Getting Back With An Ex Who Left You For Someone Else Probably Isn’t A Good Idea
In fact, it’s likely a shitty one…
Look. For the most part, rekindling infidelity-ridden relationships simply doesn’t work out. In 9 out of 10 cases, you should break up. This is the sad reality.
Countless studies have shown that a person who cheats once will most likely cheat again — be that in the same or a different relationship. I don’t know about you, but for this reason alone, I wouldn’t risk rekindling things with a cheater. Ever.
That said, if you do decide to stride down the shit-stained road of mending things, know that if you succeed, everything will be different. Your reformed relationship will rarely resemble its original form.
Another tip you should tattoo on your forehead is to always be willing to walk away. If you’re an avid reader of my blog, this comes as no surprise. One of the healthiest and most empowering mindsets you can cultivate is the willingness to leave behind unsatisfying relationships.
If you do rekindle things, I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to make the relationship work. I’m not saying you should desire to leave. I’m not even saying the grass is always greener on the other side.
All I’m saying is, be better. Have higher standards. Have more self-respect. If you’re in a relationship that’s making you feel like shit, stop being a fucking pussy and pull the damn plug.
Have the balls to bury your old world and make a fresh canvas for constructing a new and better one.
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