So you want to get your ex back, ey? If so, chances are you’ve already spent hours reading guides like this and watched at least 5-15 videos on the topic.
You’ve also probably surveyed all the fancy online programs promising you how they can get your ex back in just X simple steps.
They’re enticing, aren’t they? They make winning your ex back seem so easy – like the only thing you need to do is push a couple of buttons, and BAM! Your ex is back in your arms. Maybe, you’ve even bought one or two of those programs already.
Relax, I don’t blame. The pain is real, and I’ve felt it countless times in my life too. I’ve bought more get your get-ex-back programs that I can count, and I tried all the tricks and tactics described in them.
However, what I found out in my personal life and years of consulting is that you don’t need tactics to get an ex back. You don’t need some secret. You don’t even need to buy a particular get ex-back program.
Most of those programs are scams anyway – purposefully complicated, to confuse the naive into thinking they’re hot shit and promoted and sold with the most manipulative tactics ever.
The only resource you’re ever going to really need to get your ex back is this simple guide. In it, I’ll go over an ethical, simple, and effective way you can get them back – one based on honesty and integrity.
First and foremost, let’s state the obvious: you probably shouldn’t try to win your ex back – at least not yet.
The, fuck man? Of course, I should! They are the love of my life!
Sure, buddy. Sure they are… Let get real here.
All romantic relationships are replaceable, and your ex is not an exception, even if your emotions keep yelling otherwise. And trying to get them back in your agitated state will only backfire – a.k.a, push them further away.
I know, no one told you this yet, and I know it’s not what you want to hear, but it’s what you need to hear.
If you’re reading this guide, chances are, you’re still emotionally distraught, and you probably didn’t took the time to ponder on the reasons why you want your ex back. Sure, you love your ex, but there’s more to wanting them back in your subconscious.
Here’s another way to think about it.
There’s nothing wrong with trying to rekindle things with your ex if you’re doing it for the right reasons. But when you do it for the wrong reasons, you could potentially fuck up your (and their) whole life.
How exactly? Think dumpster-fire type relationships – a relationship where things like drama, cheating and breaking up, and getting back together every few months take the front row.
So, before we go over the process of how you can get your ex back, let’s investigate if getting them back is even a good and healthy idea.
Things to consider
To start, sit down somewhere quiet – somewhere you know you won’t be rattled by anyone or anything – and ponder on this question: Why do I want my ex back?
- Do you want them back because you’re afraid of being single?
- Do you want them back because you’re afraid that you’re never going to find someone who will love you in the same way again?
- Do you want them back because you’re addicted to them?
- Do you want them back because you think you’re not good/skilled enough to find someone else?
Do you merely miss the idea of them, or what they could be/become?If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions or came to similar ones to which you also answered “yes,” you shouldn’t try to get your ex back.
But, if you answered no to all the above questions, and you genuinely want your ex back while still knowing that you don’t need them, continue reading. You just might have solid reasons for rekindling things.
However, we still need to get three simple things straight before concluding that getting your ex back is the right path for you.
1. Was my ex compatible with me? Did they share similar worldviews, beliefs, and values? (If in doubt, read this article.)
2. Was my ex a mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy person? Do they possess any toxic red flags that might sabotage or damage my relationship with them at some point? (If in doubt, read this article.)
3. Does my ex know how to love others in a healthy and mature way? A way in which he/she loves unconditionally. (If in doubt, read this article.)
If you answered “yes” to the above three questions, continue reading. But, if you answered with a “no” or “I don’t know” to any of them, then don’t try and get your ex back.
Moreover, there’s no greyscale when answering any of the above three questions. You’re either a “100% yes” or a “100% no.” This means that if you’re 90% sure that your ex is compatible with you, then that’s still NOT a 100% yes. Therefore, it’s a “no.”
How To Get Back With Your Ex WHEN THEY DUMPED YOU
If you came this far, I assume you want your ex back for the right reasons, and you’re sure that they are a compatible, healthy, and mature person. If that’s the case, great. Here are three steps that will help you get them back.
Step 1: Tell YOUR EX you want them back
Pick up your phone – I don’t care if it’s one week after your breakup or ten months – and tell your ex that you love them and want them back. You can do this either via a text message or a call. And if you’re feeling ballsy, do it in person.
Just whatever you do, don’t beat around the bush. Don’t be a wishy-washy spineless dipshit. Be vulnerable and straight to the point when communicating – be brave.
Here are two examples of what I would say to my ex if I wanted them back. The first example assumes that they dumped me recently, and the second one assumes that I decided to try and get them back months after the initial breakup.
“Hey there, XYZ. Forgive me for being honest, but this needs to be said. I love you, I miss you, and I truly want to make things work between us. If you’re ever feeling the same way, reach out to me, let me know, and we can start again. My door is always open to you.
But please, message me only if you’re interested in seeing me in a romantic sense. I don’t want a friendship with you; I want to hold your hand with you, kiss you, and have dates with you again. In any case, thanks for everything, XYZ.”
“Hey there, XYZ. I know this is random, but I have to tell you that I want to rekindle things between us. I still love you, and I still miss you. If you’re feeling the same way, hit me up, and let’s try again. My door is always open to you.
But please message me only if you’re interested in seeing me in a romantic sense. I don’t want a friendship with you. In any case, thanks for everything, XYZ. I’ll never forget the fun we had.”
After you tell your ex how you want them back, don’t play games; just go with the flow. If they want a have a short conversation with you, let them have it then continue to step 2. And if they respond something like, “Ok, will think about it,” the same applies – let it go and continue to step 2.
Note: If your ex blocked you for some reason, and you can’t reach them electronically, forget about getting them back. They clearly don’t want to see you again.
STEP 2: cut contact with YOUR EX (infinite no-contact)
This step is the hardest part of getting an ex-lover back, and it’s called going no-contact. You truly have to let them go after you communicated how you still love them – and never look back.
No happy birthdays, happy Holidays, nothing! Your ex is dead to you.
The reason you’re putting your ex on radio silence is to get yourself into a better emotional place. Don’t even think of no-contact as a technique for getting your ex back. It’s a technique for getting you back.
The only time you’re going to talk with your ex-partner is if they ever reach out to you in the future. Meaning they open up a fresh new conversation with you, either through text or a call.
When – or if – your ex reaches out, you’re not going to try and manipulate them to coming back. You’re not going to use some immature ninja tactic. You’re not going to try and guilt-trip them to returning.
It’s your exes burden to make things work between the two of you again. They were the ones who chose to end things with you. Therefore it’s their responsibility to rekindle the love between you.
Wow, Max, are you trying to say that the only time I’ll get a chance to win my ex back is when they reach out to me?
Yes, my dear reader. That’s precisely what I’m saying.
I know you might be tempted to reach out to your ex at some point. You’ll even have fake gurus screaming in your ear that you should do it after 30, 45, 60, or 90 days. Resist.
Those are all lies to get you to buy shoddy products. These gurus have to overcomplicate getting your ex back because complex solutions sell far better than simple ones.
The reality is that the less your ex will hear of you (the longer you’re in no-contact), the more they’ll want to see you. This phenomenon is called the scarcity bias, and it has decades of research behind it that proves it’s true.
But is going no-contact a guarantee that your ex will reach out in the future? No, it’s not. The only guarantee I can make is that the more times you reach out to your ex, the lower your chances of getting them back become.
So to repeat, after you told your ex how you still love them, had one last conversation with them saying goodbye, you don’t contact them ever again. You also don’t wait for them to contact you. You move on. You work on yourself. You begin bathing is self-improvement.
STEP 3: if your ex did reach out
Let’s assume your ex did contact you after a certain period in some way. If so, chances are that they still have feelings for you. Also, keep in mind that the context of your exes message doesn’t matter as much. Just the sheer fact that they got in touch with you sub communicates interest.
But what now?
Well, have a short conversation with them, and then invite your ex out on a date – or at least propose a date if that’s how you want to roll. Just make sure the dating place is your home. You don’t want to go out of your way for your ex. Remember: They left you, so they have to work on getting you back.
Anyhow, when you invite your ex on a date, you’ll hear one of three responses:
1. Your ex-partner commits to the date.
Great job! Set up your date in the evening and be sure to make dinner together, since you’re going to stay at your place. The nighttime will give off a romantic vibe, and you two making dinner together will open up more opportunities to start being intimate with each other. Have fun, and have sex – it will help you two reconcile much faster.
2. Your ex-partner doesn’t commit to the date.
Don’t sweat it. That’s life – sometimes it throws you some bait, and just as you catch it, it pushes your legs apart and fucks you in the ass. So if your ex doesn’t commit to a date, don’t force them to. Instead, end the conversation, and revert to step 2 – infinite no contact.
3. Your ex gives a wishy-washy/uncommitted answer.
Here’s a rule of thumb: when you invite your ex on a date treat all of the below phrases they might utter as a definite no.
- I have to check my schedule
- Maybe, I’ll find the time, but I’ll let you know later.
- I don’t know. Maybe next week.
- Sure, but I’m not ready for a relationship at the moment.
- Sure, we can go BUT let’s just hang out as friends
- Silence — your message get’s ghosted or your call ignored.
- I really would go out with you, but I’m not ready yet.
Some might wonder, why jump to the morbid conclusions? Why should you assume your ex doesn’t want to see you if they say anything that’s a half-yes?
Because you don’t want to waste time with people who are half-interested — half-yes — in seeing you. Have some self-respect. Besides, dates with people who are only half-interested with you usually don’t lead anywhere. You want your ex to be 100% willing, able, and ready to rekindle things.
- If your ex still keeps contacting you even though they won’t go out with you, stop talking to them. It’s useless at that point.
- Sometimes when your ex rejects you, they might be genuinely busy. If they have a higher attraction for you, they will recommend some other time for you two to meet. But, if they don’t do any rainchecks, they probably don’t want to see you.
- If your ex tries to befriend you, kindly decline. You said to them that you don’t want a friendship earlier, remember? Stick with that decision or you’re going to come across as incongruent, and resultantly, needy and unattractive. And no, you can’t use friendship as a backdoor to a romantic relationship. This almost never works out.
THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF-improvement
It’s paramount you engulf yourself in self-improvement during all of these three steps, no matter your breakup situation.
If you’re not improving the flaws that lead to the breakup and making yourself a more attractive person (and this goes the same for your ex), you’re going to keep struggling and failing in your love life, no matter who you’re with.
But, don’t forget to opt-out of self-development at some point. Think of it as a bandage. You stick in on your wound when you’re hurt but pull it right back off when it’s healed.
If you fail to do this, you may end up in a self-development death spiral, jumping from one course or guru to the other for eternity and spending way too much money in the process.
Surprisingly, this condition has a name – it’s called self-help addiction, and it’s a common problem with many of my clients. Be wary of it.
HOW TO GET BACK WITH YOUR EX WHEN YOU DUMPED THEM
In this case, you’re either going to call your ex or send them a message and a) explain that you’re sorry for ending things and any other stupid shit you’ve done, and b) tell them you want them back. Here’s an example of what I would say:
“Hey there, XYZ. I’ve been thinking, and honestly, I’m sorry for dumping you. It wasn’t right of me. I made a mistake. If you’re still interested in making things work between us, let me know. I want you back, and I love you.”
If they respond satisfactorily, invite them out on a date, or if that’s too direct for you, at least bring up the topic of a date and hope that your ex invites you. Also, try to make sure that the dating location is their home, which gives you the best opportunity to rekindle the love between the two of you.
But remember, you’re only going to contact your ex once. You’re not going to keep chasing after them, nor are you going to try and cajole or manipulate them to respond.
If they commit to the date, it’s your job to put in all the effort since you’re the one who ended the relationship. This means you’re the one who drives to your exes place or wherever they would like to meet. You’re the one who buys dinner/dinner ingredients. You’re the one who brings them a bottle of wine or something similar.
But, if your ex doesn’t commit to the date when you invite them, end the conversation, and continue with infinite no-contact.
Ultimately, think of getting your ex back as a win/win scenario. If they reach out and you get back together, great! Try again. Hopefully, this time you succeed and stay with your ex for the long haul.
But if things don’t work out – if your ex doesn’t contact you again… well, it’s still fucking great. You’re now open to meeting someone 10x better in the future. And who knows what amazing men or women the future will bring.