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Getting back with your ex is much easier if you’re someone worth coming back to. Someone who has his shit together and life handled. Someone who has “it” — that subtle, seductive pull that no one can really put into words but feels instantly.
Well, there are three things you need to take care of to become this someone — these are our so-called Three Fundamentals.
- Emotional Health.
Together, these three components form your identity. Which, as you’ve probably heard me harp time and time again on this blog, is arguably the most important determinant of a person’s overall attractiveness.
The higher quality identity you embody, the more likely it is that your ex will reach out, let you slip a few times without promptly rejecting you, become re-attracted and reinvested, and ultimately start wanting to re-commit to you.
Below, I’ll explain our Three Fundamentals in detail.
Lifestyle encompasses your hobbies and interests, your style and looks, your career and successes, your social and family life, and your values, attitude, worldview — basically, the things you consciously or unconsciously choose to be important to you.
Why is a quality lifestyle so crucial? Think of it this way, who would you prefer to date: a dull, needy, and unambitious deadbeat who has nothing going for them or this well-traveled, educated, and confident guy/girl with amazing hobbies, a successful career they love, and loving and meaningful social and family life?
Everyone wants to date the latter; no one wants to date the former. That is, except for other dull and unambitious deadbeats with nothing going for them. Which brings us to our next point…
If you do get your ex back, to make things work with them long-term, you’ve got to not only have a quality lifestyle but one that’s similar to theirs. For like attracts like. You seldom see two completely different people dating each other.
Poor people usually date other poor people. Fitness fanatics usually date other fitness fanatics. Ambitions intellectuals usually date other ambitious intellectuals. Religious nuts usually date other religious nuts.
Now this doesn’t mean you must, for instance, be rich and successful to mend things with a rich and successful ex. But you’ve got to have at least something going on in that department. The more, the merrier.
2. Emotional Health
Emotional health has many facets. It means becoming a high-value, non-needy person. It means overcoming your limiting beliefs, insecurities, shame, and anxiety. It means getting good at asserting boundaries and growing vulnerable to the point of raw fearlessness.
- Ex keeps disrespecting you? You communicate that if they don’t cut it out, you’re ending your date.
- Ex keeps stringing you along and is trying to use you? You stop going out with them.
- Ex in found themselves a rebound? You think, “Their loss. I’ll find someone better eventually.”
- Ex wants to befriend you? You tell them it’s romance, or you’re simply not interested.
- Ex grabbed your hand and pulled you close? You go in for the kiss.
- Ex is being hot and cold (giving mixed signals)? You polarize them immediately, forcing them to settle on one side.
- Ex tells you you’ll never find anyone better? You laugh it off and move on, thinking how the fuck did you ever date such a clueless dipshit.
- Ex doesn’t return your call for days? You don’t fuss about it and quickly pivot your focus on something more substantial.
These are the sorts of responses you can expect to have when you adequately develop in the emotional health department. Think of them as indications that you’re on the right track.
If no sufficient development in emotional health can be developed on your own, however, you should seek the assistance of a psychologist — no shame in this. You rush to the doctor after you break a leg, so why not rush to a psychologist when your thoughts aren’t making you healthier?
Calibration refers to your smoothness or “game” when interacting with your ex. It’s essentially a conglomeration of one’s attractive behaviors.
How quickly can you spark intrigue and elicit emotional investment? How quick are your comebacks? How quickly can you make your ex feel safe and comfortable around you? How quickly can you notice their emotions and gauge their feelings towards you? How quickly can you impact them emotionally?
Calibration even applies to non-verbal communication and recognizing emotions and reactions within yourself. If you’re not aware of your own thoughts and feelings, you’ll never be able to express them to your ex congruently.
Now while a quality lifestyle and healthy, err… emotional health naturally nurture the authenticity and effectiveness of one’s calibration, a person can also learn it in a vacuum. That is, without ever investing in their lifestyle and emotional health.
And although that’s a valid option that may lead to short-term re-attraction success, it’s one I don’t recommend picking. For it also leads you to become inauthentic and to start performing — and that never ends well long-term.
Think about it: there’s no sense in fretting about busting out an ideal opener, crafting the perfect text message, or having a cool comeback to something your ex said if you still feel emotionally dependent on their validation.
So instead, I’d prefer you invest 80%+ of your effort in our first two fundamentals and leave calibration to mainly sort itself out — which it will eventually as a result. And it will be authentic and real, not fabricated because a 47$ eBook instructed you to do it (Looking at you, WMXA).
In a way, there is an order of learning these Three Fundamentals. It’s best if you take care of your lifestyle and emotional health first and only then shift your focus (briefly, intermittently, and if need be) on calibration. Good luck.
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