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Here’s an interesting situation for you: after months of desperately trying to get your ex back — sending those texts, making those calls, maybe even showing up at their place unannounced — they kept rejecting you. But the moment you finally started giving up and focusing on yourself… suddenly they reach out wanting to talk.
If you’re still hoping to rekindle things with your ex, you might be wondering: why the hell does this happen? And more importantly, how can you use this knowledge to actually get them back?
Let’s dive in.
3 Reasons Why Exes Come Back When You Stop Wanting Them
1. You’re No Longer Chasing Them
The theory goes that when you’re fresh out of a breakup and still madly in love, you want to do everything in your power to get them back. But here’s the painful truth — that desperation is probably what’s been killing your chances.
Think about it: every time you texted them first, every time you begged for another chance, every time you tried to convince them you’ve changed… you were subcommunicating something really unattractive. You were telling them, “I value you more than I value myself.”
And nobody wants to be with someone who doesn’t value themselves.
2. You’ve Grown As A Person
This is the beautiful irony of letting go — the moment you stop obsessing over your ex and start focusing on yourself, you actually become more attractive to them. You hit the gym, advance your career, expand your social circle, and maybe even start dating other people. You become a more well-rounded, confident human being.
And then your ex notices this transformation. They see you posting on social media, they hear about you through mutual friends, or they just sense the change in your energy when they occasionally run into you.
Suddenly, they remember what attracted them to you in the first place — but now you’re an even better version of that person.
3. The Fading Affect Bias
This simply means that when your ex doesn’t hear from you anymore, their negative memories of the relationship start fading faster than the positive ones.
So instead of remembering all your fights and incompatibilities, they start reminiscing about the good times — your first date, your inside jokes, that amazing vacation you took together.
As you’d expect, this tendency is often what causes their attraction to rise, making them more likely to reach out.
A guide that breaks through the noise to give a practical, no-nonsense view of what it means to be a healthy, attractive person capable of reconciling.
Order Your CopyThe Problem With Most Ex-Back Advice
Most ex-back advice gets it wrong when it recommends, “Just move on and focus on yourself, and your ex will come running back!” While that’s partially true, it’s missing a crucial point — you need to be strategic about how you let go.
You might be thinking how you’ve already tried focusing on yourself and it didn’t work. But here’s the thing — there’s a massive difference between actually focusing on yourself and just pretending to focus on yourself while secretly hoping your ex notices.
When most people try the whole “focus on yourself” thing, they’re still checking their phone every five minutes, stalking their ex’s social media, and asking mutual friends for updates.
Spoiler: that’s not focusing on yourself — that’s just obsessing about your ex with extra steps.
Even worse, when people try to use self-improvement as a manipulation tactic. They post gym selfies hoping their ex will see them, they share photos with other people trying to make their ex jealous, they craft this perfect social media presence thinking it will convince their ex to come back.
Here’s the problem — your ex can smell that inauthenticity from a mile away. They know you’re not really living your best life; you’re just trying to convince them you are. And that desperation, that need to prove yourself, is exactly what’s keeping them away.
An online course that teaches you how to permanently get back with your ex through honesty, vulnerability, and proper self-improvement.
Get Instant AccessHow To Actually Get Your Ex Back
Real self-improvement, the kind that actually attracts your ex back, isn’t about them at all. It’s about looking in the mirror and being honest with yourself about what needs to change — not for them, not for your next relationship, but for you.
If you genuinely want your ex back, here are the six key principles you need to follow:
1. Express Your Interest Clearly
Tell your ex directly that you want them back. Be authentic, bold, and say what’s in your heart without expecting any specific response in return. Don’t play games or beat around the bush — whether through text, call, or in person, make your intentions clear but without pressuring them for an immediate answer.
2. Move On With Your Life
Apply the no contact rule and focus on yourself. This helps rebalance the entire relationship dynamic in your favor while giving you both space to heal and grow. Cut off all non-essential contact and avoid checking their social media or asking mutual friends about them. The more you can truly detach, the more likely they are to miss you.
3. Invest In Yourself
Focus on self-improvement across all areas of your life — from sleep and exercise to your career and social life. As I always say, it’s not about acting attractive; it’s about becoming attractive. This means developing real confidence through genuine growth, not just putting on a show of having changed.
4. Evaluate If Reconciliation Makes Sense
Take time to honestly assess whether getting back together is even a good idea. Consider your compatibility, emotional readiness, and whether you’ve both addressed the issues that led to the breakup. Be brutally honest with yourself about whether you want them back for the right reasons or just out of fear and attachment.
5. Set Up A Proper Date
When your ex reaches out or shows interest after your initial expression of interest (see principle #1), focus on setting up a definite date rather than getting lost in texts or calls. Keep any pre-date communication brief and focused on making plans. Save the real catching up for when you’re face to face, where you can properly gauge their interest and rebuild attraction.
6. Handle The Transition Back Together Carefully
If things progress positively, be mindful about how you transition back into a relationship. Focus on rebuilding trust, respect, and affection gradually. Don’t rush back into old patterns — take time to establish new, healthier dynamics and make sure you’re both truly ready for reconciliation.
Note: for a comprehensive breakdown of each principle and detailed guidance on implementing them, check out my complete guide on how to get your ex back. It walks you through each principle in detail and helps you avoid the common pitfalls that sabotage most reconciliation attempts.
The Bottom Line
Here’s the truth about getting your ex back: it often happens when you’re genuinely ready to let them go. Not when you’re pretending to let them go, not when you’re trying to make them jealous, but when you’ve actually done the inner work to be okay without them.
Sometimes the best way to get your ex back is to be genuinely okay with losing them.
Need More Ex-Back Help?
- The Re-Attraction Cheat Sheet: free guide revealing my entire approach for getting an ex back — from start to finish.
- From The Inside Out: the honest, no-BS book that's helped thousands reunite with their ex while staying true to themselves.
- The Radical Re-Attraction Course: shows you how to master re-attraction. Includes hours of video and written content + downloads and exercises + a community and coaching.
From The Inside Out
