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A few months ago, I started a podcast, The Max Jancar Show. After having a certain number of guests on, I realized it wasn’t grabbing me as much. The format just wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be. So I shut down the project until further notice.
Nevertheless, one conversation I genuinely enjoyed and find supremely valuable was with Rory from the YouTube channel The Love Chat. It was mostly about getting an ex back. As long-time readers will know, this guy is a big role model of mine and arguably my favorite breakup coach.
For these reasons, I decided to highlight our talk here, on my blog, and extract some key lessons from it as well. So here it is, and below it, the lessons. Enjoy.
Lesson #1: To Make Long-Distance Work, You’ve Got To Close The Gap
Long distance is difficult for any relationship, and it does tend to conflate all existing problems. To find success in such a relationship, there has to be a plan to close the gap eventually. This is key.
Because if you get back together with your ex, and the distance is still there, all the distance-related problems that plagued your relationship initially will come flying back at first sight of friction.
Now this doesn’t mean you want to suddenly move on. It just means that if you reconcile with your ex, you should discuss closing the gap — specifically, the logistics and finances tied to it — sooner rather than later.
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Learn More HereLesson #2: Neediness Repels Because Of The Parent-Child Dynamic It Brings
Being needy typically precipitates this awkward parent-child dynamic, where one person dominates the mind of the other one — the needy one — leading this other person to constantly subjugate themselves and put their needs, wants, desires, and values last.
All of this sidelines the needy person’s growth and makes them weak, untrustworthy, and unattractive. Not to mention, toxic and unlikable.
So if it’s your neediness that led to your breakup — be it in the form of clinginess, jealousy, controlling behavior, whatever — you’ve got to learn how to overcome it to have a better chance of reconciling and actually making things last.
And boy, do I have a resource for you: Understanding And Managing Neediness.
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Get Instant AccessLesson #3: Only Interact With Your Ex If They’re In A Receptive State
That is, when they’re not confused, indifferent, bored, or angry with you but instead flirty and excited to interact and/or go out with you. If you try to talk to your ex in any other state, you’ll just be fighting an uphill battle and likely losing at some point.
Remember: re-attraction is only possible when you have two willing participants. If you’re the only person trying to revive your relationship, you’re fucked. It just won’t work out. Plus, it’s disrespectful to yourself to even try to restore a relationship where you’re the only one trying.
If your ex is unwilling to help with re-attraction, it doesn’t matter what you do. It doesn’t matter how well you do it. You should back off to let them become receptive again. Hopefully they do. Otherwise, you should move on.
Lesson #4: To Get Your Ex To Reach Out, Doing Nothing Is Best
Most people are obsessed with approaching re-attraction proactively. They want to constantly do something to get their ex back. Maybe they text something they think might get them back. Maybe they risk tricking them by using friendship as a backdoor to a romantic relationship (more on this later). Or perhaps they ask them to meet up and then try to convince them to re-commit.
All of these ideas suck. Because if you’re like most people, your ex isn’t receptive (there’s that word again…). And if they aren’t receptive, all of your forward movement will just blow up in your face. And suddenly, you’ll push your ex away.
Look. You’ve likely been taught all your life that if you want something, you must work for it. If you want a six-pack, you must go to the gym. If you want good grades, you must study hard. If you want a massively successful business, you must snort buckets of cocaine.
But here’s the kicker: this “do X get Y” approach is incompatible with re-attraction. Because here, you’re dealing with a human being with free will. Paradoxically, you’ve got to do the opposite here — assuming your ex is unreceptive, which they probably are. You must leave them alone and let them return — if they’ll ever return — at their own pace.
Lesson #5: Do Not Be Friends With Your Ex If You Want Them Back
Being friends with an ex when you actually want to see them romantically reeks of inauthenticity and weakness. I’d even argue it’s blatant manipulation, granted an understandable and well-intentioned one. Regardless though, your ex will sooner or later notice you’re deceiving them and be repulsed by it.
So please, don’t be friends with your ex if you still love them, even if they insist on it. This kind of faux friendship is not a backdoor to a romantic relationship. It’ll only cause drama and pain. Be strong and stay congruent with what you actually want. Even if that means being rejected.
Now I’m not saying that being friends first doesn’t work. All I’m saying is that it doesn’t work for most people. The exceptions are usually those who were already friends with their ex for years before they got sexual or when years have passed since the breakup.
Lesson #6: Use The Gym And Journaling To Recover And Be More Attractive
I’ve been preaching the same advice for years now, so hearing about these solutions was nothing new for me. But what I didn’t expect was the twist Rory would put on them.
When it comes to the gym, instead of following my talking points about using it to get in shape and healthy (all equally valid points), he explained that another great reason to join a gym is for the post-workout mental clarity it brings. In other words, working out helps you deal with your emotions better.
As for journaling, instead of advocating for using it to better reflect on why your relationship didn’t work out (again, an equally valid point), Rory focused on using it to work through your own baggage.
He basically explained that putting your feelings and thoughts on paper helps you distance yourself from them and consider them more objectively, making them easier to process as a result. Again, this is really good advice. And another reason you should journal.
Learn More About Rory And The Love Chat
Here are a few first-hand resources for those who want to go deeper:
Need More Ex-Back Help?
- The Re-Attraction Cheat Sheet: free guide revealing my entire approach for getting an ex back — from start to finish.
- From The Inside Out: the honest, no-BS book that's helped thousands reunite with their ex while staying true to themselves.
- The Radical Re-Attraction Course: shows you how to master re-attraction. Includes hours of video and written content + downloads and exercises + a community and coaching.
From The Inside Out
