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There’s a common belief in the breakup space — and society at large — that men and women speak different “alien” languages and that to get back with your ex, you must become fluent at decoding their language as well as communicating to them in it.
Well, let’s get one thing straight: men and women are fundamentally different. Men, on average, display more masculine qualities (i.e., desire to lead, higher dominance, focus on purpose and status), while women, on average, display more feminine qualities (i.e., desire to be led, higher submissiveness, focus on family and connection/bonding).
But different styles of communication based on one’s gender? No, there are none. Our communication styles are mainly based on our personality, emotional needs, societal norms and values, and the nature of our upbringing. Gender has little to nothing to do with the whole thing — and there’s plenty of studies that back this up. (1) (2) (3)
So don’t try to decode your ex’s words. Don’t even bother studying the differences between sexes. As I’ve argued in a previous article, those differences are heavily outnumbered by our similarities.
And as I’ve argued in yet another article, the skewed theories around our differences as men and women are usually just used as a marketing gimmick — a way for relationship and breakup brands to stand out among competitors and sell more stuff.
I’d even go as far as to argue that buying into the idea that your ex speaks another language and then trying to decode it will do more harm than good.
At best, it will prevent you from emotionally connecting and empathizing with them, thus lowering your odds of getting them back. At worst, it will make you develop some sick beliefs around the opposite gender that will prevent you from emotionally connecting and empathizing with any person of the opposite gender. Sick beliefs like:
- Men are only good when they’re making money.
- Women are only good when they’re being housewives.
- Men are unemotional and cold.
- Women are crazy, emotional, irrational and can’t think for themselves.
- All men/women are sluts, cheaters, liars, fakers, toxic, etc.
- Men/women are better than women/men.
As you’d expect, these beliefs pave a very dark path to go down. And they sure as shit don’t make mending a relationship easier. Hell, they’ll probably fuckup your relationships in general — all of your relationships.
Look, I get that you may have struggled with relationships in the past, but rather than blaming it on men or women and developing the above sick beliefs, consider a) being wrong, b) owning up to your mistakes (yes, you’ve made some. It’s not all your ex’s fault), c) improving yourself, and d) bringing yourself to approach relationships in a way that may lead to different and, hopefully, better results.
Bottom line: if you want to deeply connect with your ex and not fuck up your chances of getting back together, realize that they are having, just like you, a human experience in life and that they’re not some enigmatic specimen that must be studied and analyzed because of a different gender.
Man or woman, we all feel the same emotions. We all have identical needs. We’re all insecure to a degree. We all harbor a variety of anxieties. We all overreact and succumb to stupid desires. We all make dumb decisions. We all want to be loved, validated, connected, understood, appreciated, and respected. We all want to be happy and feel as though our actions carry meaning and bring some form of value to the world. We’re all human.
Never forget this. You, me, your ex, everyone. We’re all human. So stop generalizing, labeling, and decoding so much and approach your ex as simply another human being having a normal human experience in a cold and uncaring world.
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