How To Get Your Ex Back And Actually Keep Them

So this is probably, like, the 37th article you’ve read on this topic. And you’re likely pretty sick and tired of trying to figure out how to get your ex back already.

I get it.

A lot of advice out there claims that you can re-attract an ex by simply waiting a few days, playing hard to get for a while, sending a couple of scripted texts, faking a bit of confidence and indifference, maybe making an attempt to get them jealous, and BAM! Your ex is back in your arms, loving and lusting all over you.

These are what I call performance behaviors, essentially a collection of tricks, tactics, techniques, and fakery. And while they sometimes help re-attract your ex, they simultaneously prevent you from ever forming a healthy and lasting relationship with them.

After all, they’re based on manipulation and self-objectification. On the one hand, you’re projecting this false representation of yourself to your ex. On the other, you’re treating yourself as nothing but a robot putting in the correct inputs and shitting out the correct outputs.

But above all, the more you focus on performance, the likelier it is you’ll forget about the things that actually matter when getting back with an ex: addressing and resolving the incompatibilities and emotional baggage that ended your relationship originally. It’s due to the negligence of these components that most people never mend their relationship.

So rather than agonizing over performance and overlooking the required internal work, my approach to re-attraction is through self-improvement. Because it’s not about what you say or do; it’s about who you become that gets your ex back — what you stand for, represent, and embody. Your words and actions should only be an extension of who you become. In and of themselves, they mean nothing.

Think about it this way. If you’re a lazy, whiny, socially awkward, out-of-shape slob with low self-esteem, you won’t get far with your ex — even if you apply all the best performance behaviors. Whereas if you’re responsible, confident, in-shape, ambitious, and happy, you’ll get much farther than the slob — even if you apply no performance behaviors.

In other words, it’s not about acting attractive that gets your ex back; it’s about actually becoming attractive that gets them back.

Now becoming attractive may sound vague and abstract, but while emotionally difficult, it’s actually quite simple. And it all boils down to embodying six key principles — principles I’ll explain below.

Principle #1: Tell Your Ex That You Want Them Back

Whether it’s through a call, text, letter, social media, or in-person… Whether it’s been one week since your breakup or ten years… Whether your ex told you they never want to see you again, left in stark indifference, or with tears in their eyes… Whether they dumped you or you dumped them…

… If you want your ex back but haven’t yet made it clear, just tell them you want them back.

Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t make it a big deal. Don’t lose your center, become spineless, or act overly confident and become an overcompensating dipshit.

Just be authentic and bold and say what’s in your heart without expecting any specific answer in return and without recoiling and retaliating if met with either a deafening silence or a sharp rejection.

Here’s something you could say to your ex if they dumped you:

Hey there, XYZ. This is kind of random… Forgive me for being honest, but I must get this off my chest. I love you, miss you, and truly want to make things work between us. If you’re ever feeling the same way, let me know, and we can try again. My door is open for you. In any case, thanks for everything.

And here’s something you could say if you dumped your ex but now regret the decision:

Hey there, XYZ. I’ve been thinking, and honestly, I’m sorry for dumping you. It wasn’t right of me. I made a mistake. If you’re still interested in making things work between us, let me know. I want you back, and I love you. My door is open for you. Thanks for everything.

Whether you frame these expressions of interest as questions or statements doesn’t matter. As long as you’re direct, honest, and certain when you express them, you’re doing it right.

If your ex is receptive and enthusiastic after you express your interest, invite them on a date (and jump to principle #5). Whereas if after expressing your interest, your ex is unreceptive and cold, mean and vicious, or they blocked, ghosted/ignored, or rejected you — be it indirectly (via excuses) or directly (“I don’t want you back”) — end the conversation and move on. Then only give them another shot if they reach out first. If that happens, go to principle #5.

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Principle #2: Move On With Your Life (Apply The No Contact Rule)

Moving on with your life — or, as many call it, applying the no contact rule — is arguably the hardest part of re-attraction. Mainly because of the debilitating insecurity it ignites in most people. Yet it’s also the most attractive thing one can do after telling their ex they want them back and being met with an unreciprocated response, no response, or rejection.

The theory goes that once you move on, your ex will eventually wonder why they haven’t heard from you yet. After all, they probably expect you to cave and chase after them since they have all the power. Once curiosity like this enters the picture, there’s a good chance they’ll start to miss you.

And if they do start to miss you — thanks to the fading affect bias and the rose-colored glasses phenomenon — they’ll gradually shift their focus from the negative aspects of your relationship to the positive, making them more receptive to reaching out and easier to get back together with. (1) (2)

So in a way, moving on rebalances the entire relational dynamic in your favor. Even better, it enables you to heal faster and buys you plenty of time to reflect on why your relationship failed and what you’d need to change or improve to make it succeed the next time.

Now moving on with your life means exactly what you think it does: you let your ex go and never contact them again for any reason. Or, to be more specific, as I wrote in my no contact article, from now on you stick to the following.

• Don’t call, text, or engage with your ex’s social media anymore (unfriend and unfollow them).
• Don’t go to places where you’d have an “accidental” encounter with them.
• Don’t wish them a happy birthday, Easter, Christmas, etc.
• Don’t express your condolences if they lose someone close to them.
• Hide everything that reminds you of them that’s within your control.
• Don’t go to places that draw out painful memories.
• Throw away or return everything your ex gave you (gifts, random clothes, trinkets, etc.).

If you live with your ex, move out or move them out. If that’s impossible, only talk to them if it’s important. Keep your conversations business-like, to the point, and end them as soon as you make a mutually beneficial agreement or decision. Take the same approach if you share kids, pets, or you work together.

When it comes to mutual friends, either cut them loose or distance yourself from them. But don’t just disappear or distance yourself abruptly. Explain how you want to heal and how staying in touch prevents you from doing so first. There’s no shame in pain, so just admit you’re hurting. That said, keep in mind that you don’t necessarily owe anyone an explanation or justification for your actions.

Generally, the more physical and emotional distance you put between your ex and yourself, the more likely it is that you’ll raise their attraction, get them to miss you, and reach out. Whereas, the less distance there is between you, the less likely it is that you’ll raise their attraction, get them to miss you, and reach out.

Put another way: the best way to get somebody’s attention is to remove yours.

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Principle #3: Invest In Your Relationship With Yourself

Below are some self-investment guidelines if you don’t know where to start.

1. Get quality sleep. Get at least 7 to 9 hours of sleep per night and stick to a consistent schedule. Sleep in a pitch-black room, at an ambient temperature of 65–70 degrees Fahrenheit (about 18-21 degrees Celsius). Avoid screens at least 1 to 2 hours before bedtime. Use natural sleep aids like melatonin pills, magnesium tablets, chamomile tea, or a white noise machine. Limit napping, especially in the late afternoon or evening. Avoid stimulants, stodgy food, and alcohol 3-4 hours before bedtime. For more tips like this, read: 7 Solutions For When You Can’t Sleep After A Breakup.

2. Have a healthy diet. This boils down to eating mostly unprocessed, natural, fresh foods that humans are biologically designed to eat. Foods like meats, vegetables, fruits, nuts, and fats. Avoid everything else — or at least limit it.

3. Go heavy on exercise. It eases anxiety and depression, improves focus and mood, helps you sleep, causes you to lose weight, guarantees you live longer, and makes you more attractive. So whether your goal is to lose weight, get in shape, or simply reap the various health benefits of exercise, make it a permanent day-to-day habit.

4. Keep your hygiene in check. In short, be clean and presentable. A breakup is no excuse for being a slob. Remember: conspicuous precision in hygiene is a key signal of conscientiousness, which is sexy as hell.

5. Take care of your well-being. If you’re overworked, take some time off. If you still live with your parents, but are of the ripe age and have the means for it, move out. If you don’t have any responsibilities like studies, work, or child-rearing, go and get some. For more information, read: A No Bullshit Guide To Self-Care After A Breakup.

6. Calm down. Because if you give into panic, you’ll increase the odds of sabotaging re-attraction by saying or doing something stupid. Some effective ways for calming down include journaling, meditation, gratitude practices, yoga, and therapy.

7. Don’t avoid your emotions. It’s impossible. Besides, having them is normal — so that’s not the problem. The problem is the behavior that your emotions elicit. For instance, instead of trying to stop being excited when your ex reaches out, try to stop displaying needy behavior due to excitement. Or instead of trying to suppress your anger because your ex didn’t show up for your date, suppress the violent behaviors that you want to carry out.

8. Find something more important than your ex. Something that gives you direction and purpose despite your breakup. This can be many things: fighting for a cause you believe in, being part of a movement, nurturing another relationship, excelling in your career, engaging some passion, mastering a particular skill, developing some healthy habit, and so forth.

9. Leverage your support system. Meaning, find empathic and caring people you trust and feel safe to open up to who are willing to listen to your problems and provide heartfelt advice and support. These can be friends, family, peers, or professionals. Once you have a support system in place, lean on it — ask for support, a listening ear, or advice. For more information, read: Never Suffer Alone.

10. Start dating as soon as reasonable. This is another great way to become more attractive in your ex’s eyes. Just don’t start dating right away. Wait until the idea begins to feel fun and exciting. The last thing you want is to date only to suppress your pain, feel loved again, or prove something to yourself or your ex. That’s a way one ticket to perpetual misery.

11. Develop character. That is, a set of interesting hobbies, passions, opinions, and desires that make you stand out when compared to other potential mates your ex has available. Why is this important? Because it’s standing out that demonstrates investment into yourself. And it’s this investment that fundamentally makes you attractive. For a full guide on character development, read: 6 Ways To Develop Character And Become More Attractive.

12. Raise your self-worth and lower your neediness. Here are some rapid-fire tips for pulling this off. Erect and assert healthy boundaries. Avoid unattractive behaviors like covert contracts, chasing/pursuing, begging and pleading, acting indifferent, looking for approval, seeking validation, and so on. Close your potential inferiority gap and overcome any limiting beliefs around inferiority. Cultivate proper vulnerability. And, of course, apply the other guidelines explained in this section.

Principle #4: Ponder If Getting Back With Your Ex Is Even A Good Idea

Most people shouldn’t try to get back with their ex. That’s because an average person rarely ever mends things and usually only prolongs their healing through trying.

The only people qualified for the feat are those unattached to the outcome, content and happy with themselves, and who know that if they do get back with their ex, they could form a healthy relationship with them.

To determine whether or not you’re one of these lucky people, answer this for a start: why do you want your ex back? Take a few minutes and ponder on the question. Then reflect on the following.

Do you want them back because you’re afraid of being single? Because you’re miserable and lonely without them? Because can’t imagine having a happy life without them? Because you think you’ll never find anyone better? Or because you believe you’re not good, worthy, or skilled enough to find someone better?

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, you shouldn’t try to get back with your ex. You’re clearly not in the right headspace and will fail. Thus, I would focus on breakup recovery instead.

However, if you answered “No” to all the questions above, and you’re certain that despite missing your ex, you’re happy with yourself and unattached to whether or not you get them back, continue answering three additional qualifying questions.

• Are you and your ex compatible? If in doubt, read this article.
• Do you know why you broke up and are prepared to work on those flaws to avoid another breakup? If in doubt, read this article and this one.
• Are you and your ex mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy, and don’t have any major toxic tendencies that might damage your relationship? If in doubt, read this article and this one.

Now for the verdict. If you answered “Yes” to the questions above, you are qualified to pursue reconciliation — congrats. But if you answered any of them with a “No,” consider moving on. Because you probably won’t be mending any relationship.

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Principle #5: Set A Date If Your Ex Reaches Out Or Is Receptive After You Stated Your Interest

Suppose your ex reaches out during no contact and they’re not interested in discussing logistics like children, pets, living arrangements, work, or shared possessions but are curious about you as a person. That’s a clear sign of interest. It’s also your potential shot at mending things. Leverage it by setting a definite date with your ex.

Do the same thing if your ex is receptive after expressing your desire to mend things. This means they’re willing and able to start seeing you again romantically and reciprocate your advances (principle #1). Same story if you’ve already had a date with your ex, and they just reached out again, indicating they want to spend even more time with you.

At any of those points, setting a definite date is critical. Here’s how to go about it. Start by engaging in a short conversation. A 3-5 text message exchange or a 5-minute call, for instance. Then, preferably somewhere at the start of this conversation, say something like, “It was nice hearing from you, but I’ve gotta run. Tell you what, why don’t we meet up? I’d love to see you. What time are you free next week?”

After inviting your ex out, you’ll get one of three responses.

1. Your ex commits to the date. In other words, they’re enthusiastic about seeing you and give you the times they’re free. If this happens, agree on a time that suits you both, and be sure to pick an exact location for your date.

2. Your ex doesn’t commit to the date. If this happens, withdraw the date invite, end the conversation, and go back to no contact. If they reach out again in the future, invite them out one more time. But if you get turned down even then, stop inviting them altogether. From there on out, your ex will either bring up the topic of a date themselves, in which case, set it. Or they’ll stop contacting you, in which case, forget about them.

3. Your ex gives a non-committal, wishy-washy answer. Like how they have to check their schedule, how they don’t know if they’ll make it, how they may be late, how they’ll call you back, how they have some errands to take care of, and so on. As a rule of thumb, treat this “Maybe” response similarly to a rejection.

To provide some additional clarifications here:

• Whenever you come across a wishy-washy answer to a date invite, respond with something polarizing like, “It sounds like you are unsure of your schedule. Why don’t we just have our date another time? Get in touch with me when you figure out your schedule, and we can plan something then.”
• After saying something along these lines, shut up and wait for your ex to respond. They will either accept your terms and eventually commit to the date, in which case you’re in. Or they’ll ignore you or unenthusiastically respond with something like “okay”— both of which means you’re out. So back to no contact it is.
• Besides, you don’t want to waste time with your ex if they’re only half-interested in seeing you. Those dates are tedious and often lead nowhere. You want your ex to be 100% willing, able, and ready to rekindle things or at least date you properly.

Generally, the more resistance you encounter when setting a date with your ex, the higher the likelihood they’ll turn you down, cancel, be a no-show, or ignore/ghost you at some point.

Principle #6: Get Back Together With Your Ex (And Stay Together)

Once you’ve gone on a couple of dates with your ex and can sense things are getting more serious — more sex, intimacy, personal conversations, and verbal exchanges of love — then comes the most critical part of getting back together with an ex: re-commitment.

Most people worry about this transition way too much in my opinion. And many experts try to be too clever and anal about it, when the whole thing is actually pretty simple. Here’s how I approach it.

If your ex brings up the topic of getting back together, have the talk, and come to a mutually beneficial decision. And if they haven’t brought it up yet but you can sense you’re already acting like a couple (i.e., you’re spending a lot of time together, kissing, making out, having sex, etc.) bring up the topic yourself. Then let your ex respond.

Maybe they’ll try again, or maybe they won’t. If they don’t, respect their decision. How you move forward from there really comes down to your values and boundaries.

If casually dating your ex is something that’s okay with you, keep doing it. But if it’s not, clearly communicate that and part ways. And if you’re feeling really ballsy, consider options like an open relationship or a friends-with-benefits-relationship. As long as you’re congruent with what you want, you’ll be fine, emotionally speaking.

Now, if you got back together with your ex, things can work out. But that’s only if both of you changed.

For relationships don’t end because two people did something wrong to each other. Relationships end because two people are something wrong for each other.

And when I say you and your ex must’ve changed, I’m referring to a couple of things: you must learn from the breakup, acknowledge your mistakes, alter the behaviors that made you fall apart, partly redefine your values, accept each other’s flaws, and, most importantly, repair what I call the fundamental components of any healthy relationship: mutual trust, respect, and affection.

To rebuild these components, time and consistent proof of growth and change from both sides are key. People fall out of love slowly over time, impairing mutual trust, respect, and affection. In the same way, they also fall back in love slowly over time, rebuilding that mutual trust, respect and affection.

Problems in rebuilding any of these components could mean that you or your ex have an insecure attachment style, or it could mean that your relationship is flawed in some other fundamental way. If that’s the case, fix the underlying issues before re-committing.

Conclusion: What No One Tells You About Getting Back With Your Ex

Below are five harsh truths about getting an ex back that no one tells you about. For the most part, because they don’t sell. After all, everyone will buy ex-back products from the person who tells them how they should get them back and how easy it is. Rarely will anyone buy from the person who tells them the opposite.

Well, fuck you. I’m the latter person.

1. The Odds Of Getting Your Ex Back Permanently Are Shit

According to our most recent statistics, only 30% of couples get back together. And only half of those 30% actually stay together for good. (3)

PSA: I have since spent over a year conducting a survey on the prevalence of reconciliation. According to over 4000 people who responded, only 32% of exes get back together. Of these, roughly 18% have stayed together for over a year after reconciling. You can read more about my survey here.

This comes at no surprise. I mean, if there was a tried-and-true way to get an ex back, we as a society would have a) figured it out a long time ago, and b) breakups would be wiped out. The world would be flooded with happily committed and married couples. And I’d probably be out of the job.

Yet, don’t lose hope. There are still examples of couples out there who just needed some time apart to gain perspective on their relationship and learn how to make it work. However, if you find yourself in an endless cycle of breaking up and getting back together, then you probably should end things for good.

2. You Don’t Need Your Ex (Even If You Think You Do)

Most people are terrified of letting their ex go. And so they cling to them and try to get them back because they make them feel important and worthy and loved. This, unknowingly, makes them slaves to their exes.

Much of our lives is guided by this sense of scarcity. We mistake the ex that provides — or once provided — for our emotional needs as the needs themselves.

But the truth is, you don’t really need your ex to appreciate, validate and love you again. What you need is to make yourself feel appreciated, validated, and loved.

What you need is you. There are a bazillion ways you can meet your own needs. And all that is required is an ability to do so and the courage to believe that it is possible.

3. There Is No “Right Or Best” Way To Get Your Ex Back

Some ways of getting an ex back are more effective and healthy than others. But ultimately, there is no right or best way.

Even this guide doesn’t paint my way as the right or best one. All it does is lay a rough model for re-attraction that I believe in and that gets, to my knowledge, the best results for my readers.

And look, I know I’ll get shat on for this, but compared to every model for getting an ex back, I think mine is by far the healthiest and most effective. But then again, who am I to say it will be a good fit for you?

4. Your Can Always Find Someone Better Than Your Ex

Getting your ex back is a win-win scenario. If they reach out and you re-commit, great. Hopefully it works out. But if your ex never reaches out and moves on, then also great. You’re now open to meeting someone better. And, believe it or not, you can find someone better.

Your ex is not special. Your ex is not your soulmate. And labeling them as such is an insult to literally millions of other people whom you would find attractive and intelligent and who, unlike your ex, are able and ready and willing to create a future with you…

…A future from which you’ll be able to look back at this period and chuckle, knowing how everything you’re feeling and thinking is so unimportant in the grand scheme of life.

5. The Point Of “How To Get Your Ex Back” Advice Is To Stop

The purpose of ex-back advice, even breakup advice as a whole, is to come to a point where you no longer need it — a point where you eventually leave it behind and move on to a new chapter of your life — with or without your ex.

Yet, too often people can’t do that. They intellectualize re-attraction, look for answers they already have, and get addicted to these articles. The same goes for videos and podcasts.

And having greedy gurus preying on their vulnerabilities every step of the way makes everything worse. Let’s face it, most people posing as breakup coaches in this space don’t want what’s best for you — they want your money. They want to exploit your ex-addiction. They want to make you their bitch.

Please don’t give in. After a month — three at most — opt out of this advice. Stop reading my shit. Stop watching my shit. Stop digesting anything ex-back related. Opt out no matter what. Your mental health will appreciate it.

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