How To Get Your Ex Back And Actually Keep Them

So this is probably, like, the 37th article you’ve read on this topic. And you’re likely pretty sick and tired of trying to figure out how to get your ex back already.

I get it.

A lot of advice out there claims that you can re-attract an ex by simply waiting a few days, playing hard to get for a while, sending a couple of scripted texts, faking a bit of confidence and indifference, maybe making an attempt to get them jealous, and BAM! Your ex is back in your arms, loving and lusting all over you.

These are what I call performance behaviors, essentially a collection of tricks, tactics, techniques, and fake behaviors. And while they sometimes do help re-attract your ex, they simultaneously prevent you from ever forming a healthy and lasting relationship with them.

After all, they’re based on manipulation and self-objectification. On the one hand, you’re projecting this false representation of yourself to your ex. On the other, you’re treating yourself as nothing but a robot putting in the correct inputs and shitting out the correct outputs.

But above all, the more you focus on performance, the likelier it is you’ll forget about the things that actually matter when getting back with an ex: addressing and resolving the incompatibilities and emotional baggage that ended your relationship originally. It’s due to the negligence of these components that most people never mend their relationship.

So rather than agonizing over performance and overlooking the required internal work, my approach to re-attraction is through self-improvement. Because it’s not about what you say or do; it’s about who you become that gets your ex back — what you stand for, represent, and embody. Your words and actions should only be an extension of who you become. In and of themselves, they mean nothing.

Think about it this way. If you’re a lazy, whiny, socially awkward, out-of-shape slob with low self-esteem, you won’t get far with your ex — even if you apply all the best performance behaviors. Whereas if you’re responsible, confident, in-shape, ambitious, and happy, you’ll get much farther than the slob — even if you apply no performance behaviors.

In other words, it’s not about acting attractive that gets your ex back; it’s about actually becoming attractive that gets them back.

Now becoming attractive may sound vague and abstract, but while emotionally difficult, the framework is straightforward. It all boils down to embodying six key principles — principles I’ll explain below.

Note: you might think your situation is unique, but since we’re talking about fundamental principles of human attraction, this advice applies to virtually anyone wanting their ex back, regardless of age, culture, relationship length, distance, or configuration. The core dynamics of attraction, respect, and genuine interest remain the same.

Principle #1: Tell Your Ex That You Want Them Back

Whether it’s through a call, text, letter, social media, or in-person… Whether it’s been one week since your breakup or ten years… Whether your ex told you they never want to see you again, left in stark indifference, or with tears in their eyes… Whether they dumped you or you dumped them…

… If you want your ex back but haven’t yet made it clear, just tell them you want them back.

Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t make it a big deal. Don’t lose your center, become spineless, or act overly confident and become an overcompensating dipshit.

Just be authentic and bold and say what’s in your heart without expecting any specific answer in return and without recoiling and retaliating if met with either a deafening silence or a sharp rejection.

And please, if your ex insists on being friends after you express your interest, communicate you only want to see them romantically. If they’re unwilling to continue seeing you this way, tell them to get in touch if they ever change their mind. Then let them go forever and never contact them again for any reason. It’s either romance or you’re not interested.

Here’s something you could say to your ex if they dumped you:

Hey there, XYZ. This is kind of random… Forgive me for being honest, but I must get this off my chest. I love you, miss you, and truly want to make things work between us. If you’re ever feeling the same way, let me know, and we can try again. My door is open for you. In any case, thanks for everything.

And here’s something you could say if you dumped your ex but now regret the decision:

Hey there, XYZ. I’ve been thinking, and honestly, I’m sorry for dumping you. It wasn’t right of me. I made a mistake. If you’re still interested in making things work between us, let me know. I want you back, and I love you. My door is open for you. Thanks for everything.

Whether you frame these expressions of interest as questions or statements doesn’t matter. As long as you’re direct, honest, and certain when you express them, you’re doing it right.

Side-note: if you cheated, lied, or did something devious to your ex, add a genuine apology to your statement of interest. Acknowledge how you’ve hurt them and what you’ve learned from the incident. Then promise not to repeat your mistake(s) and keep that promise. Don’t be dramatic when apologizing, and do it only once.

If your ex is receptive and enthusiastic after you express your interest, invite them on a date (and jump to principle #4 or #5).

But if they’re unreceptive and cold, mean and vicious, or they blocked, ghosted/ignored, or rejected you — be it indirectly (via excuses) or directly (“I don’t want you back”), end the conversation and move on to principle #2.

Do NOT respond by being mean, passive-aggressive, or snarky. Do NOT freak out. Do NOT try to bargain or convince them for another shot. Do NOT chase after them. Again, just end the conversation and move to principle #2. That’s it.

Principle #2: Move On With Your Life (Apply The No Contact Rule)

Moving on with your life — or, as many call it, applying the no contact rule — is arguably the hardest part of re-attraction. Mainly because of the debilitating insecurity it ignites in most people. Yet it’s also the most attractive thing one can do after telling their ex they want them back and being met with an unreciprocated response, no response, or rejection.

The theory goes that once you move on, your ex will eventually wonder why they haven’t heard from you yet. After all, they probably expect you to cave and chase after them since they have all the power. Once curiosity like this enters the picture, there’s a good chance they’ll start to miss you.

And if they do start to miss you — thanks to the fading affect bias, the rose-colored glasses phenomenon, and other suck psychological mechanisms — they’ll gradually shift their focus from the negative aspects of your relationship to the positive, making them more receptive to reaching out and easier to get back together with. (1) (2)

So in a way, moving on rebalances the entire relational dynamic in your favor. Even better, it enables you to heal faster and buys you plenty of time to reflect on why your relationship failed and what you’d need to change or improve to make it succeed the next time around.

Now moving on with your life means exactly what you think it does: you let your ex go and never contact them again for any reason. Or, to be more specific, as I wrote in my no contact article, from now on you stick to the following.

• Don’t call, text, or engage with your ex’s social media anymore (unfriend and unfollow them).
• Don’t go to places where you’d have an “accidental” encounter with them.
• Don’t wish them a happy birthday, Easter, Christmas, etc.
• Don’t express your condolences if they lose someone close to them.
• Hide everything that reminds you of them that’s within your control.
• Don’t go to places that draw out painful memories.
• Throw away or return everything your ex gave you (gifts, random clothes, trinkets, etc.).

If you live with your ex, move out or move them out. If that’s impossible, only talk to them if it’s important. Keep your conversations business-like, to the point, and end them as soon as you make a mutually beneficial agreement or decision. Take the same approach if you share kids, pets, or you work together.

When it comes to mutual friends, either cut them loose or distance yourself from them. But don’t just disappear or distance yourself abruptly. Explain how you want to heal and how staying in touch prevents you from doing so first. There’s no shame in pain, so just admit you’re hurting. That said, keep in mind that you don’t necessarily owe anyone an explanation or justification for your actions.

Generally, the more physical and emotional distance you put between your ex and yourself, the more likely it is that you’ll raise their attraction, get them to miss you, and reach out. Whereas, the less distance there is between you, the less likely it is that you’ll raise their attraction, get them to miss you, and reach out.

Put another way: the best way to get somebody’s attention is to remove yours.

Now just so we’re all on the same page, you should NOT “remove your attention” for only a certain number of days. Please know that any form of X-day no contact rules permeating the Internet are bullshit. I already explained why in this article, this one, and this one. But to give a recap…

For starters, time-limited no contact incentivizes you to wait for the X-day mark when you’re “allowed” to reach out. Your focus shifts from healing and growth to solely getting your ex back. This is needy and unattractive.

But here’s the real kicker: your ex is likely in a headspace where they need space from the relationship you two had. If they dumped you, they wanted less of what you were offering. If you dumped them and now regret it, your original breakup decision communicated that you needed distance — and they’re probably still processing that rejection.

So how is suddenly flooding them with contact going to turn things around? Spoiler alert: it won’t.

Plus, imagine how unattractive it would be if someone you rejected kept reaching out every 30 days like clockwork. It’s annoying, predictable, and screams “I have no self-respect and nothing better going on in my life.”

My theory? The whole X-day no contact stuff is just another marketing ploy. People who want their ex back don’t want to hear they have emotional issues to resolve. They want to hear what feels good and promises quick results. And that’s exactly what most greedy ex-back gurus sell them.

When then should you resume communication with your ex? Simple. When your ex reaches out first. This is your cue to move to principle #4 or #5.

But I know what you’re thinking: how long is this going to take? Well… Based on a 4534-participant survey I conducted, couples who do rekindle things get back together, on average, 2.56 months following their breakup.

However, this timeline depends on many factors: the length, type, and intensity of your relationship, the age bracket you’re in, your attachment type, the amount of neediness you hold, and so on.

The key point here is that there’s no magic number. Some exes reach out after a few weeks, others after several months, and some never do at all.

But what if your ex never reaches out? Should you give up then?

Well, yes. That’s the rub…

Roughly speaking, if you’re not seeing any progress in re-attracting your ex — in this case, no reaching out or only talking about logistics (living arrangements, work, kids, etc)— in 1-3 months after the breakup, they’re probably over you, and you should stop holding on to hope and let them go for good.

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Principle #3: Invest In Your Relationship With Yourself

Getting back with your ex is much easier if you’re someone worth coming back to. Someone who has their shit together and life handled. Someone who has “it” — that subtle, seductive pull that no one can really put into words but feels instantly.

Well, there are three things you need to take care of to become this someone: lifestyle, emotional health, and calibration. Together, these three components form your identity, which is arguably the most important determinant of your overall attractiveness. The higher quality identity you embody, the more likely it is that your ex will reach out, become re-attracted, and ultimately want to re-commit to you.

Note: this principle works somewhat differently from the rest. Apply it — a.k.a, invest in yourself — regardless of where in the re-attraction process you reside.

1. Lifestyle — encompasses your hobbies and interests, your style and looks, your career and successes, your social and family life, and your values, attitude, worldview — basically, the things you consciously or unconsciously choose to be important to you.

Here’s what building a quality lifestyle actually looks like:

• Physical foundation: get quality sleep, eat healthy, exercise regularly, be in shape, and maintain good hygiene. A breakup is no excuse for being a slob.
• Life structure: get your own place if you’re of age, maintain steady work/studies, handle your responsibilities, and be a self-reliant and contributing member of society.
• Social support: Find empathic and caring people you trust and feel safe to open up to who are willing to listen to your problems and provide heartfelt advice and support. Never suffer alone.
• Character development: build interesting hobbies, passions, and opinions that make you stand out from the other potential mates your ex has available.
• Purpose creation: find something more important than getting back with your ex — a cause or movement you believe in, career goals, skill development, another relationship, etc. Something that gives you direction and purpose despite your breakup.

2. Emotional Health — it means becoming a self-respecting, non-needy person. It means taming your ex-rumination and unbridled feelings through journaling, meditation, gratitude, and therapy. It means overcoming your limiting beliefs, insecurities, shame, and anxiety. It means getting good at asserting boundaries and being vulnerable.

But most importantly, it means putting yourself first — prioritizing your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs over your ex’s perception of you. It means respecting yourself by stopping the need to prove yourself to them, seek their validation, or impress them. If you’re the only one putting effort into re-attraction, terminate the process.

3. Calibration — this refers to your smoothness when interacting with your ex. It’s essentially a conglomeration of one’s attractive behaviors.

How quickly can you spark intrigue and elicit emotional investment? How quick are your comebacks? How quickly can you make your ex feel safe and comfortable around you? How quickly can you notice their emotions and gauge their feelings towards you? How quickly can you impact them emotionally?

The good news: a quality lifestyle and emotional health naturally develop authentic calibration over time. Don’t overthink this one — focus 80% of your effort on the first two elements and let calibration sort itself out naturally.

Principle #4: Ponder If Officially Getting Back With Your Ex Is Even A Good Idea

Disclaimer: if you just want to fuck your ex a few more times, have a friends-with-benefits relationship, or just date casually, you don’t need to overthink compatibility. In fact, you can probably skip this section. But if you’re thinking about getting into a lasting, committed relationship with them, then listen the fuck up…

Most people shouldn’t try to re-commit to their ex. That’s because an average person rarely ever mends things and usually only damages their sanity and prolongs their healing through trying.

The only people qualified for the feat are those unattached to the outcome, content and happy with themselves, and who know that if they do get back with their ex, they could form a healthy relationship with them.

To determine whether or not you’re one of these lucky people, answer this for a start: why do you want your ex back? Take a few minutes and ponder on the question. Then reflect on the following.

Do you want them back because you’re afraid of being single? Because you’re miserable and lonely without them? Because can’t imagine having a happy life without them? Because you think you’ll never find anyone better? Or because you believe you’re not good, worthy, or skilled enough to find someone better?

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, you shouldn’t try to get back with your ex. You’re clearly not in the right headspace and will fail. Thus, I would focus on breakup recovery instead.

However, if you answered “No” to all the questions above, and you’re certain that despite missing your ex, you’re happy with yourself and unattached to whether or not you get them back, continue answering three additional qualifying questions.

• Are you and your ex compatible? If in doubt, read this article.
• Do you know why you broke up and are prepared to work on those flaws to avoid another breakup? If in doubt, read this article and this one.
• Are you and your ex mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy, and don’t have any major toxic tendencies that might damage your relationship? If in doubt, read this article and this one.

Now for the verdict. If you answered “Yes” to the questions above, you are qualified to pursue reconciliation — congrats. But if you answered any of them with a “No,” consider moving on. Because you probably won’t be mending any relationship.

Here’s a nice little mental model to adopt if you’re confused and frightened a bit by all this self-reflection. It’s called The Law Of Fuck Yes Or No. The idea is that if something isn’t a 100% FUCK yes, it’s a 100% FUCK no.

• Don’t know if your ex is compatible = a fuck no for getting back together.
• Unsure if they’re healthy and mature = a fuck no for giving them another shot.
• No idea why you broke up = a fuck no for mending things.

Note, however, that Fuck Yes or No will apply differently depending on where you are with your ex. For example, if you’re sure they’re incompatible or toxic, you may only be a “Fuck Yes” for fucking their brains out once or twice. Nothing wrong with that. Or you could be a “Fuck Yes” for giving them just one more chance and meeting up, despite the awkward date from last time.

If you think about it, Fuck Yes Or No is a byproduct of everything we have covered until now. If your ex is into you, puts in the effort, and vice versa — it’s a “Yes” for mending your relationship. But if they’re in any capacity unable, unwilling, or unenthusiastic to help you do it, and if you’re in any capacity unable, unwilling, or unenthusiastic to help them do it, it’s a “No” for mending it.

Why? Because attractive, non-needy, high self-worth people don’t have time for exes who they are not able, willing, and excited to be with and who are not able, willing, and excited to be with them.

Ultimately, your willingness to assert and follow this mental model not only reflects your current level of self-respect and esteem but also bolsters self-respect and esteem. And that’s as sexy as it is useful and needed in re-attraction and relationships at large.

Principle #5: Set A Date If Your Ex Reaches Out Or Is Receptive After You Stated Your Interest

Suppose your ex reaches out during no contact and they’re not interested in discussing logistics like children, pets, living arrangements, work, or shared possessions but are curious about you as a person. That’s a clear sign of interest (read more about them here). It’s also your potential shot at mending things. Leverage it by setting a definite date with your ex.

Do the same thing if your ex is receptive after expressing your desire to mend things. This means they’re willing and able to start seeing you again romantically and reciprocate your advances (principle #1). Same story if you’ve already had a date with your ex, and they just reached out again, indicating they want to spend even more time with you.

At any of those points, setting a definite date is critical. Here’s how to go about it…

Start by engaging in a short conversation. A 3-5 text message exchange or a 5-minute call, for instance. Then, preferably somewhere at the start of this conversation, say something like, “It was nice hearing from you, but I’ve gotta run. Tell you what, why don’t we meet up? I’d love to see you. What time are you free next week?”

Note: don’t sweat about calling your date a date. It doesn’t matter. If your ex still likes you, they’ll go out with you regardless of how you frame and present the whole thing.

After inviting your ex out, you’ll get one of three responses.

1. Your ex commits to the date. In other words, they’re enthusiastic about seeing you and give you the times they’re free. If this happens, agree on a time that suits you both, and be sure to pick an exact location for your date. A few decent ones: park, bowling alley, dive bar, comedy club, arcade, nightlife restaurant, road trip, museum, art gallery, zoo, carnival or amusement park, café/coffee shop, aquarium, library.

2. Your ex doesn’t commit to the date. If this happens, withdraw the date invite, end the conversation, and go back to no contact. If they reach out again in the future, invite them out one more time. But if you get turned down even then, stop inviting them altogether. From there on out, your ex will either bring up the topic of a date themselves, in which case, set it. Or they’ll stop contacting you, in which case, forget about them.

3. Your ex gives a non-committal, wishy-washy answer. Like how they have to check their schedule, how they don’t know if they’ll make it, how they may be late, how they’ll call you back, how they have some errands to take care of, and so on. As a rule of thumb, treat this “Maybe” response similarly to a rejection.

To give some clarifications here:

• Whenever you come across a wishy-washy answer to a date invite, respond with something polarizing like, “It sounds like you are unsure of your schedule. Why don’t we just have our date another time? Get in touch with me when you figure out your schedule, and we can plan something then.”
• After saying something along these lines, shut up and wait for your ex to respond. They will either accept your terms and eventually commit to the date, in which case you’re in. Or they’ll ignore you or unenthusiastically respond with something like “okay”— both of which means you’re out. So back to no contact it is.
• Besides, you don’t want to waste time with your ex if they’re only half-interested in seeing you. Those dates are tedious and often lead nowhere. You want your ex to be 100% willing, able, and ready to rekindle things or at least date you properly.

Generally, the more resistance you encounter when setting a date with your ex, the higher the likelihood they’ll turn you down, cancel, be a no-show, or ignore/ghost you at some point.

Now once you have a date set, be sure to follow at last 80% of these guidelines for success:

• Have dates on multiple locations (at least 3) and in the evening.
• Consider going somewhere you haven’t been before.
• Always have a backup plan for your date in cases of, say, rain or snowfall.
• Don’t tell your ex where you’ll be going — let it be a surprise for the first date.
• Depending on how comfortable you are with sexuality, invite your ex home at the end of your date where things can escalate towards making love.
• Focus on having fun and hooking up when dating (don’t complain, mope, whine, etc).
• Ask more questions and talk less about yourself.
• Always weave banter, humor, and observant remarks into your conversations.
• Don’t be afraid to elicit certain topics you’d ask questions about by sharing them yourself.

And on the flip-side, ensure you don’t do any of the following:

• Don’t take your ex on expensive dates (relative to how much you earn).
• Don’t do lunch or mid-day coffee dates.
• Don’t bring gifts. Flowers, chocolates, plane tickets — gifts for exes come off as needy.
• Don’t try to solve their current life problems — you’re not their therapist.
• Don’t bring up other people you’re dating or ask about who they’re seeing.
• Only give compliments when your ex earned them, and don’t expect anything back in return.
• Don’t worry about labels (ex-girlfriend, ex-husband, playmate, dating, meeting up, hanging out, etc.).

Finally, this is probably one of the most important guidelines to abide by, and for good reason, but it’s also one that sparks outrage.

If you and your ex haven’t yet kissed by the end of your second date, and/or if you haven’t yet had sex by the end of the fourth one, strongly consider moving on for good.

No, this isn’t about rushing sexy time — it’s about recognizing actual romantic interest versus friendship. When an ex is genuinely attracted and considering reconciliation, physical escalation happens naturally, usually already on the first or second date.

Without it, you’re likely being kept in an emotional holding pattern that benefits your ex far more than you. Most people need a clear boundary like this to protect themselves from becoming their ex’s emotional doormat and wasting months pursuing futile reconciliation.

For more information, read: Why I Encourage Getting Sexual With An Ex Quickly.

Principle #6: Continue Dating, Keep Escalating, Then Re-Commit

Think of re-attraction as a series of escalations. At first, you get in contact with your ex, set a definite date, and meet up. On your date, you start talking, getting deeper and more personal with each other, then begin to flirt. Next, you start touching each other, kissing, and then going somewhere private to have sex.

You can see how incremental these escalations are. And while I’ve already covered some in previous principles, here I’ll cover the big three: touching, kissing, and sex itself.

Touching. Start with light, casual contact like touching their arm while talking or placing your hand on their shoulder. Progress slowly from the outside of their body (hands, arms, feet) toward more intimate areas (shoulders, back, legs). Watch for reciprocation — if they respond positively by touching you back or moving closer, continue escalating. If they pull away, become distant, or make excuses to create physical distance, stop immediately and consider ending the date if the pattern continues.

Kissing. Aim to kiss your ex on the first date if you’ve been flirting, touching, and they’ve been reciprocating. If they pull away or turn their head, it usually means “not right now” rather than “never.” Ask genuinely if something’s wrong or if they’re uncomfortable, then give them space to respond without judgment. Your genuine concern often demonstrates trustworthiness and can help them feel more comfortable moving forward.

Sex. If you’re consistently making out and all over each other, invite them to your place, theirs, or another private location. Once alone, slowly escalate through foreplay while respecting consent completely—stop immediately if they say no or pull away. Be honest about your feelings and nervousness rather than faking confidence. Keep expectations low about what sex means for getting back together; there needs to be compatibility, insight into past failures, and mutual growth beyond just physical intimacy.

Once you’ve gone on a couple of dates with your ex and can sense things are getting more serious — more personal conversations, verbal exchanges of love, and most importantly lots of touching, kissing, and sex — then eventually comes the most critical part of getting back together with an ex: re-commitment.

Most people worry about this transition way too much in my opinion. And many experts try to be too clever and anal about it, when the whole thing is actually pretty simple. Here’s how I approach it.

If your ex brings up the topic of getting back together, have the talk, and come to a mutually beneficial decision. And if they haven’t brought it up yet but you can sense you’re already acting like a couple (i.e., you’re spending a lot of time together, kissing, making out, having sex, etc.) bring up the topic yourself. Then let your ex respond.

Maybe they’ll try again, or maybe they won’t. If they don’t, respect their decision. How you move forward from there really comes down to your values and boundaries.

If casually dating your ex is something that’s okay with you, keep doing it. But if it’s not, clearly communicate that and part ways. And if you’re feeling really ballsy, consider options like an open relationship or a friends-with-benefits-relationship. As long as you’re congruent with what you want, you’ll be fine, emotionally speaking.

Now, if you got back together with your ex, things can work out. But that’s only if both of you changed.

For relationships don’t end because two people did something wrong to each other. Relationships end because two people are something wrong for each other.

And when I say you and your ex must’ve changed, I’m referring to a couple of things:

• You must learn from the breakup.
• Acknowledge your mistakes
• Alter the behaviors that made you fall apart.
• Partly redefine your values.
• Accept each other’s flaws.
• And, most importantly, repair mutual trust, respect, and affection.

This becomes even more critical if you and your ex have broken up multiple times before. Getting back with an ex after repeated breakups is possible but increasingly challenging, and it all boils down to trust.

And think of trust like a china plate. Break it once, and it takes a good amount of care and attention to put it back together. Break it twice, and it splits into even more pieces, making the process far longer and more delicate. Break it three, four, five, or more times, and it eventually shatters to the point where it’s impossible to restore. There are too many broken pieces, too much dust.

Each breakup erodes the foundation of security that relationships need to thrive. So while it’s not impossible to rebuild after multiple breakups, both parties need to demonstrate significantly more growth, patience, and commitment to change than they did the first time around.

Now to rebuild the critical components I went over here, time and consistent proof of growth and change from both sides are key. And problems in rebuilding any of them could mean that you or your ex have an insecure attachment style, or it could mean that your relationship is flawed in some other fundamental way. If that’s the case, fix the underlying issues before re-committing.

But more importantly, always be willing to walk away.

Your relationship is not a failure if it ends. Nor is it a success if it stands the test of time. Sometimes it’s simply healthier for two partners to part ways rather than trying to work it out by treating each other like shit, suppressing their needs, altering their identity, and becoming miserable in the process.

What Not To Do When Getting Your Ex Back (Common Mistakes To Avoid)

Here are the most common mistakes that can sabotage your chances throughout the re-attraction process — from first contact and no contact through dating and beyond.

Type #1: Communication Mistakes

Making your ex feel better about the breakup. Their emotions are not your responsibility. You shouldn’t comfort or help them cope if they’re struggling. You’re not their therapist. Besides, you’d likely just make them feel worse.

Begging or pleading with your ex to give you another chance. You can’t force your ex to love you. You can’t force them to go out with you. You can’t force them to pay attention to you. No amount of begging or pleading will change their mind about these things. They will only resent you more for it.

Chasing and pursuing your ex. Same deal as above. Four texts in a row won’t get your ex back any faster, nor will ten calls in a day. Since you’re reading this article, your ex probably isn’t ready to take you back yet. Therefore, how will nagging them change your situation. Spoiler alert: it won’t. It’ll only annoy them further.

Inventing fake reasons to contact your ex. For example, “I just saw this movie, and it reminded me of you,” or “How’s your dog doing? I’m worried about him.” We both know the real intentions behind these statements. It’s not about the movie or the damn dog. It’s about you getting clarity on the chances of getting back together. Be warned: your ex instantly senses needy intentions like these, and they will lose attraction due to them.

Giving your ex ultimatums. That is, demands for a behavioral change accompanied by a threat with the aim to pressure the other person into doing something they don’t want to do. An example would be when you tell your ex, “either we get back together this week, or I’m never talking to you again!”

Forcing your ex to give you closure. Sometimes there’s no specific reason why your ex dumped you or why things didn’t work out. Sometimes there is one, but they lie about it. Other times they tell you that reason, and then, shockingly, you’re still not satisfied. And guess what? You’ll never be, regardless of your ex’s response. For closure is not something found in your ex. It’s the attitude you decide upon when you get better emotionally. It’s found within you.

Developing a “phoneship”. Calls and texting rob you of conversation topics you could have on your date, facilitate awkward interaction, make bonding impossible, and sabotage re-attraction. And texting specifically complicates things because jokes, wit, or sarcasm don’t translate well over it. Therefore, a) avoid mindless chit-chat over the phone, and b) use it strictly for setting dates and arranging other logistical hurdles.

Making grand gestures. Yacht dinners with fireworks only work in movies. In real life, you’ll be labeled a try-hard and creep. Save grand gestures for actual partners who deserve them.

Gauging interest wrong. Always look at what your ex does and not what they say or mean. Your ex could keep telling you how much they love or miss you while simultaneously keep rejecting you whenever you invite them out. If you observe their behavior in this case, you can quickly see that they don’t really love or miss you. They are simply letting you down gently. For more information, read: Look At What Your Ex Does (Not What They Say Or Mean).

Type #2: Mindset/Emotional Mistakes

Being mean to your ex if they don’t want you back. No passive aggressiveness, no snarkiness, no talking behind their back, no spreading false rumors, no public comparisons with your other exes — be respectful and handle rejection like a grown ass adult.

Freaking out if your ex starts dating or gets into another relationship. This is bound to happen sooner or later and you can’t do anything about it. So focus on what you can control instead — personal growth and recovery are your best bets. Also, talking of relationships, maybe you’re lucky and your ex gets into a rebound relationship, in which case it’ll end in a few weeks, as most don’t last.

Jumping to conclusions as soon as your ex gives a hint of interest. For instance, when your ex likes your new profile picture, don’t suddenly think, “OMG! They still love me! I better call them and say hi.” The whole thing could very well mean absolutely nothing. Have enough self-respect to give your ex another chance only when they contact you directly.

Adopting disempowering mindsets around getting your ex back. For instance, “I have always been willing to do anything for my ex. I just feel so desperate. They are the one I want. I need to do anything and everything I can to get them back, no matter how long it takes. All I can think about is them. When should I reach out for another chance?”

Thinking re-attraction is quick. Getting an ex back is a long, grueling process you’ll probably fail at. Drop expectations of them returning and assume they’re gone forever until proven otherwise.

Misunderstanding hope in getting back with an ex. Lost of people want to eliminate it, but that’s psychologically impossible. So here’s a better alternative: keep your hope, just release any expectations tied around reconciliation. Try this little experiment and see what I mean: whenever you find yourself talking to yourself about how you expect re-attraction to go a certain, positive way, try rephrasing that self-talk to begin with I hope. For example, “I’ll get my ex back, I just need more time. → I hope I get my ex back. Maybe I just need more time.”

Hiding behind false intentions. Don’t ask how their dog is doing when you really just want to know if they still have feelings for you. Your ex will see through the bullshit and lose attraction.

Using gimmicks, tricks, and games. Self-explanatory. Playing hard to get, acting indifferent, making them jealous, waiting exact hours to respond, using scripts and templated texts — grow the fuck up instead.

Type #3: Escalation Mistakes

Working on yourself while you’re dating your ex. Sometimes you may start getting serious with them before you have a chance to adequately improve. That is, before you overcome major insecurities, deal with certain anxieties, or alter/accept particular incompatibilities. All of this is normal, and it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

Being friends. Only consider friendship when there’s zero emotional baggage or desire for reconciliation on both sides. You can’t use friendship as a backdoor to romance.

Mishandling mixed signals. This is when your ex, for instance, says they love and miss you one day, but ghost and ignore you the next day. Similarly to my above point, the solution here is to simply give your ex more space. For more information, read: 5 Reasons Your Ex Is Hot And Cold And How To Deal With It.

Dealing with tests inappropriately. A test is when your ex does or says something derogatory, shocking, or offensive to gauge your confidence and self-respect and see how you’ll react. The way you pass a test is to simply show that you’re unaffected by it. For more information, read: 6 Signs Your Ex Is Testing You And How To Handle It.

Botching pull aways. This is when your ex suddenly goes from being hot to cold — from affectionate to stand-offish and distant. If this happens to you, do not chase. Consider it a plea for space and back off. Or, one for being more assertive with your boundaries. For more information, read: The Guide To Setting Healthy Boundaries With Your Ex.

Neglecting connecting skills. These are namely flirting and teasing, relating, storytelling, sexual compliments, having attractive body language, and so on (shameless plug: I teach all these skills and more in my Radical Re-Attraction Course — my flagship course on getting back with an ex).

Fucking up ghosting, ignoring, and blocking. If any of this happens, it likely means your ex wants more space. So give them what they want. It’s essential to respect their boundaries. So avoid attempting to contact them through other means or repeatedly trying to reach out, as this might make the situation worse. For more information, read: My Ex Blocked Me On Everything (Why And How To Handle It) and My Ex Is Ignoring Me And It Hurts (Why And How To Deal With It).

Giving your ex “help” when not required. My default answer is to almost always avoid helping your ex. Because the more you help out, regardless of why they need you, the quicker you tend to diminish their attraction. For through giving them aid, you condition them to believe your attention is abundant regardless of how they treat or had treated you. That said, if your ex really has a legitimate need for a favor, help out quickly, and don’t use it as an excuse to start talking with them. Formally address the logistics, handle the burden, and go back to no contact (principle #2).

Conclusion: What No One Tells You About Getting Back With Your Ex

To end this off with a bang, here are five harsh truths about getting an ex back that no one tells you about. For the most part, because they don’t sell. After all, everyone will buy ex-back products from the person who tells them how they should get them back and how easy it is. Rarely will anyone buy from the person who tells them the opposite.

Well, fuck you. I’m the latter person.

1. The Odds Of Getting Your Ex Back Permanently Are Shit

According to our most recent statistics, only 30% of couples get back together. And only half of those 30% actually stay together for good. (3)

PSA: I have since spent over a year conducting a survey on the prevalence of reconciliation. According to over 4000 people who responded, only 32% of exes get back together. Of these, roughly 18% have stayed together for over a year after reconciling. You can read more about my survey here.

This comes at no surprise. I mean, if there was a tried-and-true way to get an ex back, we as a society would have a) figured it out a long time ago, and b) breakups would be wiped out. The world would be flooded with happily committed and married couples. And I’d probably be out of the job.

Yet, don’t lose hope. There are still examples of couples out there who just needed some time apart to gain perspective on their relationship and learn how to make it work. However, if you find yourself in an endless cycle of breaking up and getting back together, then you probably should end things for good.

2. You Don’t Need Your Ex (Even If You Think You Do)

Most people are terrified of letting their ex go. And so they cling to them and try to get them back because they make them feel important and worthy and loved. This, unknowingly, makes them slaves to their exes.

Much of our lives is guided by this sense of scarcity. We mistake the ex that provides — or once provided — for our emotional needs as the needs themselves.

But the truth is, you don’t really need your ex to appreciate, validate and love you again. What you need is to make yourself feel appreciated, validated, and loved.

What you need is you. There are a bazillion ways you can meet your own needs. And all that is required is an ability to do so and the courage to believe that it is possible.

3. There Is No “Right Or Best” Way To Get Your Ex Back

Some ways of getting an ex back are more effective and healthy than others. But ultimately, there is no right or best way.

Even this guide doesn’t paint my way as the right or best one. All it does is lay a rough model for re-attraction that I believe in and that gets, to my knowledge, the best results for my readers.

And look, I know I’ll get shat on for this, but compared to every model for getting an ex back, I think mine is by far the healthiest and most effective. But then again, who am I to say it will be a good fit for you?

4. Your Can Always Find Someone Better Than Your Ex

Getting your ex back is a win-win scenario. If they reach out and you re-commit, great. Hopefully it works out. But if your ex never reaches out and moves on, then also great. You’re now open to meeting someone better. And, believe it or not, you can find someone better.

Your ex is not special. Your ex is not your soulmate. And labeling them as such is an insult to literally millions of other people whom you would find attractive and intelligent and who, unlike your ex, are able and ready and willing to create a future with you…

…A future from which you’ll be able to look back at this period and chuckle, knowing how everything you’re feeling and thinking is so unimportant in the grand scheme of life.

5. The Point Of “How To Get Your Ex Back” Advice Is To Stop

The purpose of ex-back advice, even breakup advice as a whole, is to come to a point where you no longer need it — a point where you eventually leave it behind and move on to a new chapter of your life — with or without your ex.

Yet, too often people can’t do that. They intellectualize re-attraction, look for answers they already have, and get addicted to these articles. The same goes for videos and podcasts.

And having greedy gurus preying on their vulnerabilities every step of the way makes everything worse. Let’s face it, most people posing as breakup coaches in this space don’t want what’s best for you — they want your money. They want to exploit your ex-addiction. They want to make you their bitch.

Please don’t give in. After a month — three at most — opt out of this advice. Stop reading my shit. Stop watching my shit. Stop digesting anything ex-back related. Opt out no matter what. Your mental health will appreciate it.

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