How To Get Your Ex Back And Actually Keep Them

So this is probably, like, the 37th article you’ve read on this topic. And you’re likely pretty sick and tired of trying to figure out how to get your ex back already.

I get it.

A lot of advice out there claims that you can re-attract an ex by simply waiting a few days, playing hard to get for a while, sending a couple of scripted texts, faking a bit of confidence and indifference, maybe making an attempt to get them jealous, and BAM! Your ex is back in your arms, loving and lusting all over you.

These are what I call performance behaviors, essentially a collection of tricks, tactics, techniques, and fake behaviors. And while they sometimes do help re-attract your ex, they simultaneously prevent you from ever forming a healthy and lasting relationship with them.

After all, they’re based on manipulation and self-objectification. On the one hand, you’re projecting this false representation of yourself to your ex. On the other, you’re treating yourself as nothing but a robot putting in the correct inputs and shitting out the correct outputs.

But above all, the more you focus on performance, the likelier it is you’ll forget about the things that actually matter when getting back with an ex: addressing and resolving the incompatibilities and emotional baggage that ended your relationship originally. It’s due to the negligence of these components that most people never mend their relationship.

So rather than agonizing over performance and overlooking the required internal work, my approach to re-attraction is through self-improvement. Because it’s not about what you say or do; it’s about who you become that gets your ex back — what you stand for, represent, and embody. Your words and actions should only be an extension of who you become. In and of themselves, they mean nothing.

Think about it this way. If you’re a lazy, whiny, socially awkward, out-of-shape slob with low self-esteem, you won’t get far with your ex — even if you apply all the best performance behaviors. Whereas if you’re responsible, confident, in-shape, ambitious, and happy, you’ll get much farther than the slob — even if you apply no performance behaviors.

In other words, it’s not about acting attractive that gets your ex back; it’s about actually becoming attractive that gets them back.

Now becoming attractive may sound vague and abstract, but while emotionally difficult, the framework is straightforward. It all boils down to embodying six key principles — principles I’ll explain below.

Principle #1: Tell Your Ex That You Want Them Back

Whether it’s through a call, text, letter, social media, or in-person… Whether it’s been one week since your breakup or ten years… Whether your ex told you they never want to see you again, left in stark indifference, or with tears in their eyes… Whether they dumped you or you dumped them…

… If you want your ex back but haven’t yet made it clear, just tell them you want them back.

Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t make it a big deal. Don’t lose your center, become spineless, or act overly confident and become an overcompensating dipshit.

Just be authentic and bold and say what’s in your heart without expecting any specific answer in return and without recoiling and retaliating if met with either a deafening silence or a sharp rejection.

And please, if your ex insists on being friends after you express your interest, communicate you only want to see them romantically. If they’re unwilling to continue seeing you this way, tell them to get in touch if they ever change their mind. Then let them go forever and never contact them again for any reason. It’s either romance or you’re not interested.

Here’s something you could say to your ex if they dumped you:

Hey there, XYZ. This is kind of random… Forgive me for being honest, but I must get this off my chest. I love you, miss you, and truly want to make things work between us. If you’re ever feeling the same way, let me know, and we can try again. My door is open for you. In any case, thanks for everything.

And here’s something you could say if you dumped your ex but now regret the decision:

Hey there, XYZ. I’ve been thinking, and honestly, I’m sorry for dumping you. It wasn’t right of me. I made a mistake. If you’re still interested in making things work between us, let me know. I want you back, and I love you. My door is open for you. Thanks for everything.

Whether you frame these expressions of interest as questions or statements doesn’t matter. As long as you’re direct, honest, and certain when you express them, you’re doing it right.

Side-note: if you cheated, lied, or did something devious to your ex, add a genuine apology to your statement of interest. Acknowledge how you’ve hurt them and what you’ve learned from the incident. Then promise not to repeat your mistake(s) and keep that promise. Don’t be dramatic when apologizing, and do it only once.

If your ex is receptive and enthusiastic after you express your interest, invite them on a date (and jump to principle #4 or #5).

But if they’re unreceptive and cold, mean and vicious, or they blocked, ghosted/ignored, or rejected you — be it indirectly (via excuses) or directly (“I don’t want you back”), end the conversation and move on to principle #2.

Do NOT respond by being mean, passive-aggressive, or snarky. Do NOT freak out. Do NOT try to bargain or convince them for another shot. Do NOT chase after them. Again, just end the conversation and move to principle #2. That’s it.

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Principle #2: Move On With Your Life (Apply The No Contact Rule)

Moving on with your life — or, as many call it, applying the no contact rule — is arguably the hardest part of re-attraction. Mainly because of the debilitating insecurity it ignites in most people. Yet it’s also the most attractive thing one can do after telling their ex they want them back and being met with an unreciprocated response, no response, or rejection.

The theory goes that when you pull back instead of chasing, it flips the dynamic. Your ex expects pursuit, perhaps even desperation, so silence naturally creates curiosity and space for them to think about you, to miss you, maybe even eventually reach out. But more importantly, no contact gives you time to heal and figure out what went wrong in your relationship in the first place so you can do better next time — if there is a next time.

Now moving on with your life means exactly what you think it does: you let your ex go and never contact them again for any reason. Or, to be more specific, as I wrote in my article on the no contact rule, from now on you stick to the following.

• Don’t call, text, or engage with your ex’s social media anymore (unfriend and unfollow them).
• Don’t go to places where you’d have an “accidental” encounter with them.
• Don’t wish them a happy birthday, Easter, Christmas, etc.
• Don’t express your condolences if they lose someone close to them.
• Hide everything that reminds you of them that’s within your control.
• Don’t go to places that draw out painful memories.
• Throw away or return everything your ex gave you (gifts, random clothes, trinkets, etc.).
• When it comes to mutual friends, either cut them loose or distance yourself from them.

If you live with your ex, move out or move them out. If that’s impossible, only talk to them if it’s important. Keep your conversations business-like, to the point, and end them as soon as you make a mutually beneficial agreement or decision. Take the same approach if you share kids, pets, or you work together.

Generally, the more physical and emotional distance you put between your ex and yourself, the more likely it is that you’ll raise their attraction and mend things. Whereas, the less distance there is between you, the less likely it is that you’ll raise their attraction and mend things. Put another way: the best way to get somebody’s attention is to remove yours.

Now when then should you resume communication with your ex? Simple. When your ex reaches out first. That is, when they clearly indicate they had enough space and are perhaps ready and willing to reconnect. If this reach-out is not about logistics (living arrangements, work, kids, etc), but rather about something personal or like a check-up, this is your cue to move to principle #4 or #5.

But I know what you’re thinking: how long is this going to take? Well… Based on a 4534-participant survey I conducted, on average, 2.56 months following a breakup. That’s how long it takes an ex to reach out.

But what if your ex never reaches out? Should you give up then? Well, yes. That’s the rub…

Roughly speaking, if you’re not seeing any progress in re-attracting your ex — in this case, no reaching out or only talking about logistics — in 1-3 months after the breakup, they’re probably over you, and you should stop holding on to hope and let them go for good.

Principle #3: Invest In Your Relationship With Yourself

Getting back with your ex is much easier if you’re someone worth coming back to. Someone who has their shit together and life handled. Someone who has actually grown since the breakup rather than stayed stuck.

Well, there are three things you need to take care of to become this someone: lifestyle, emotional health, and calibration. Together, these three components form your identity, which is arguably the most important determinant of your overall attractiveness.

The higher quality identity you embody, the more likely it is that your ex will reach out, become re-attracted, and ultimately want to re-commit to you. Now the goal isn’t to become perfect — it’s to become simply better than before. Here’s how to get there…

Note: this principle works somewhat differently from the rest. Apply it — a.k.a, invest in yourself — regardless of where in the re-attraction process you reside.

1. Lifestyle — it means getting quality sleep, eating healthy, exercising regularly, being in shape, and maintaining good hygiene. It translates to getting your own place if you’re of age, maintaining steady work/studies, acquiring responsibilities, and being a self-reliant and contributing member of society. It relates to creating a support system of friends and family you can lean on. It encompasses developing interesting hobbies, passions, and opinions. It ties in with finding something more important than getting back with your ex — a cause or movement you believe in, a goal or skill, another relationship, etc. Something that gives you direction and purpose despite this damn breakup.

2. Emotional Health — it means dropping the need to prove yourself to your ex, seek their validation, impress them, or fight for their attention when they give you none. It translates to taming your ex-rumination and unbridled feelings through journaling, meditation, gratitude, and therapy. It relates to overcoming your limiting beliefs, neediness, insecurities, shame, and anxiety. It encompasses getting good at asserting boundaries and being vulnerable. But most importantly, it ties in with putting yourself first — prioritizing your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs over your ex’s; your perception of yourself over how your ex perceives you.

3. Calibration — this refers to how smoothly you interact with your ex when you do reconnect. It’s reading the room, knowing when to push forward vs. pull back, and responding appropriately to their emotional state. Practically, this means: can you tell when your ex is genuinely interested vs. just being polite? Do you know when to escalate physically and when to give space? Can you handle their tests or mixed signals without getting rattled? Do you respond to their energy level rather than forcing your own agenda?

The good news: a quality lifestyle and emotional health naturally develop authentic calibration over time. Don’t overthink this one — focus 80% of your effort on the first two elements and let calibration sort itself out naturally.

Principle #4: Ponder If Officially Getting Back With Your Ex Is Even A Good Idea

Disclaimer: if you just want to casually date your ex or have a friends-with-benefits relationship, you don’t need to overthink this section. In fact, you can probably skip it entirely. But if you’re thinking about getting into a lasting, committed relationship with them, then listen the fuck up…

Most people shouldn’t try to get back with their ex. That’s because the average person rarely succeeds and usually just prolongs their suffering through trying.

The only people qualified for reconciliation are those who are genuinely happy with themselves, unattached to the outcome, and confident they could build a healthy relationship if given another chance.

Before proceeding, honestly assess your motivations. Are you seeking them out of misery or depression, fear of loss, loneliness — or a genuine desire to try again? If you’re afraid of being single, believe you can’t find anyone better, or feel worthless without them, focus on healing first. These fear-based motivations create the exact neediness that repels people, making re-attraction unnecessarily difficult.

However, if your motivations are healthy, consider three key factors:

1. Compatibility — do you share core values, life goals, and relationship styles? Because surface-level attraction, even love, is just not enough for lasting relationships. If in doubt, read this article and this one.

2. Growth — do you understand why you broke up and have both parties addressed those issues? Because without real change, you’ll just repeat the same patterns ad-infinitum. If in doubt, read this article and this one.

3. Emotional Health — are both of you mentally and emotionally stable enough for a healthy relationship? Because toxic dynamics don’t just magically fix themselves. If in doubt, read this article and this one.

Again, think through these areas. Be honest with yourself.

Here’s a nice little mental model to adopt if you’re confused and frightened a bit by all this self-reflection and the answers you’re arriving at. It’s called The Law Of Fuck Yes Or No. The idea is that if something isn’t a 100% FUCK yes, it’s a 100% FUCK no.

• Don’t know if your ex is compatible = a fuck no for getting back together.
• Unsure if they’re healthy and mature = a fuck no for giving them another shot.
• No idea why you broke up = a fuck no for mending things.

Note, however, that Fuck Yes or No will apply differently depending on where you are with your ex. For example, if you’re sure they’re incompatible or toxic, you may only be a “Fuck Yes” for fucking their brains out once or twice. Nothing wrong with that. Or you could be a “Fuck Yes” for giving them just one more chance and meeting up, despite the awkward date from last time.

If you think about it, Fuck Yes Or No is a byproduct of everything we have covered until now. If your ex is into you, puts in the effort, and vice versa — it’s a “Yes” for mending your relationship. But if they’re in any capacity unable, unwilling, or unenthusiastic to help you do it, and if you’re in any capacity unable, unwilling, or unenthusiastic to help them do it, it’s a “No” for mending it.

Why? Because attractive, non-needy, high self-worth people don’t have time for exes who they are not able, willing, and excited to be with and who are not able, willing, and excited to be with them. Case in point.

Principle #5: Set A Date If Your Ex Reaches Out Or Is Receptive After You Stated Your Interest

If your ex reaches out during no contact — and it’s about something personal, not logistics like kids or shared belongings — that’s a clear sign of interest. It’s also your shot to take things further. Leverage it by setting a definite date with your ex.

Same story if your ex is receptive after expressing your desire to mend things (principle #1) or if you’ve already had a date and they just reached out again, indicating they want to spend even more time with you.

At any of those points, set a definite date by engaging in a short conversation. A 3-5 text message exchange or a 5-minute call, for instance. Then, preferably somewhere at the start of this conversation, say something like, “It was nice hearing from you, but I’ve gotta run. Tell you what, why don’t we meet up? I’d love to see you. What time are you free next week?” After inviting your ex out, you’ll get one of three responses.

1. They commit, ideally enthusiastically. If this happens, agree on a time that suits you both, and be sure to pick a place that works for both of you. Anywhere that’s active, participatory, relatively quiet, allows for touching, flirting, and is close to either your or your ex’s home, where you can effortlessly end things off with sex if the date leads there.

2. They flat-out reject you. Back to no contact. If they reach out again later, give them one more chance to meet up. If they decline again, stop inviting them entirely. From there on out, your ex will either bring up the topic of a date themselves, in which case, set it. Or they’ll stop contacting you, in which case, forget about them.

3. They give you excuses. They’re “not sure about their schedule,” “have to check,” or “might be busy.” Treat this as a polite rejection. Say something like: “Sounds like you’re unsure. Get back to me when you figure out your schedule.” Then wait for them to reach out again. Seriously. Don’t waste time with someone who’s only half-interested. You want your ex to be genuinely excited to see you, not doing you a favor.

Generally, the more resistance you encounter when setting a date with your ex, the higher the likelihood they’ll turn you down, cancel, be a no-show, or ignore/ghost you at some point.

Now once you have a date set, focus on having fun, reconnecting emotionally, and hooking up. Ask questions, share stories, and let natural chemistry develop. Don’t complain about the breakup, don’t bring gifts or give undeserved compliments, don’t do morning or coffee dates that come off super-platonic, don’t make them expensive or elaborate, don’t bring up other people you’re dating or ask about who they’re seeing (duh!).

Finally, this is probably one of the most important guidelines to abide by, and for good reason, but it’s also one that sparks outrage.

If you and your ex haven’t yet kissed by the end of your second date, and/or if you haven’t yet had sex by the end of the fourth one, strongly consider moving on for good.

No, this isn’t about rushing sexy time — it’s about recognizing actual romantic interest versus friendship. When an ex is genuinely attracted and considering reconciliation, physical escalation happens naturally, usually already on the first or second date.

Without it, you’re likely being kept in an emotional holding pattern that benefits your ex far more than you. Most people need a clear boundary like this to protect themselves from becoming their ex’s emotional doormat and wasting months pursuing futile reconciliation.

Principle #6: Keep Escalating, Then Finally Re-Commit

Think of re-attraction as a series of escalations, each building up on the previous. First contact, then dating, then eventually getting physical, even sexual. I’ve already covered some in previous principles (and some in this article), but here I’ll go over the ones relating to the last bit. These are touching, kissing, and sex itself.

Touching. Start with light, casual contact like touching your ex’s arm while talking or placing your hand on their shoulder. Then progress slowly toward more intimate areas (shoulders, back, legs), and then to very intimate places (chest, butt, face, neck). Watch for reciprocation — if they respond positively by touching you back or moving closer, continue escalating. If they pull away, become distant, or make excuses to create physical distance, stop immediately and consider ending the date if the pattern continues.

Kissing. Aim to kiss your ex on the first date if you’ve been flirting, touching, and they’ve been reciprocating. If they pull away or turn their head, it usually means “not right now” rather than “never.” Ask genuinely if something’s wrong or if they’re uncomfortable, then give them space to respond without judgment. Your genuine concern often demonstrates enough trustworthiness to help them feel more comfortable moving forward later.

Sex. If you’re consistently making out and all over each other, invite them to your place, theirs, or another private location. Then have a go at it, but do respect consent. And keep expectations realistic. Having sex doesn’t guarantee you’ll get back together. There still needs to be compatibility, understanding of what went wrong, and genuine growth from both sides. Physical chemistry is just one piece of the puzzle.

Once you’ve gone on a couple of dates with your ex and can sense things are getting more serious — deeper conversations, frequent verbal exchanges of love, touching, kissing, sex, etc. — then eventually comes the most critical part of getting back together with an ex: re-commitment.

If your ex brings up the topic, have the talk, and come to a mutually beneficial decision. And if they haven’t brought it up yet but you can sense you’re already acting like a couple, bring up the topic yourself. Then let your ex respond. Maybe they’ll try again, or maybe they won’t. If they don’t, respect their decision. How you move forward from there really comes down to your values and boundaries.

If casually dating your ex is something that’s okay with you, keep doing it. But if it’s not, clearly communicate that and part ways. And if you’re feeling really ballsy, consider options like an open relationship or a friends-with-benefits-relationship. As long as you’re congruent with what you want, you’ll be fine, emotionally speaking.

Now, if you got back together with your ex, things can work out. But that’s only if both of you changed. For relationships don’t end because two people did something wrong to each other. Relationships end because two people are something wrong for each other. Without real change, you’ll just repeat the same unproductive patterns leading to another downfall.

This is especially true if you’ve broken up multiple times before. Each breakup erodes trust and makes reconciliation harder. If you’re in an on-again, off-again cycle, that’s usually a sign of fundamental incompatibility, not just “bad timing.”

Most importantly though, always be willing to walk away. A relationship is not a failure if it ends. Nor is it a success if it stands the test of time. Sometimes it’s simply healthier for two people to part ways rather than trying to work it out by treating each other like shit, suppressing their needs, altering their identity, and becoming miserable in the process.

Conclusion: What No One Tells You About Getting Back With Your Ex

To end this article off with a bang, here are five harsh truths about getting an ex back that no one tells you about. For the most part, because they don’t sell.

After all, everyone will buy ex-back products from the person who tells them how they should get them back and how easy it is. Rarely will anyone buy from the person who tells them the opposite.

Well, fuck you. I’m the latter person.

1. The Odds Of Getting Your Ex Back Permanently Are Shit

I have since spent over a year conducting a survey on the prevalence of reconciliation. According to over 4000 people who responded, only 32% of exes get back together. Of these, roughly 18% have stayed together for over a year after reconciling. You can read more about my survey here.

This comes at no surprise. I mean, if there was a tried-and-true way to get an ex back, we as a society would have a) figured it out a long time ago, and b) breakups would be wiped out. The world would be flooded with happily committed and married couples. And I’d probably be out of the job.

Yet, don’t lose hope. There are still examples of couples out there who just needed some time apart to gain perspective on their relationship and learn how to make it work.

However, if you find yourself in an endless cycle of breaking up and getting back together, then you probably should end things for good. Just a heads-up!

2. You Don’t Need Your Ex (Even If You Think You Do)

Most people are terrified of letting their ex go. And so they cling to them and try to get them back because they make them feel important and worthy and loved. This, unknowingly, makes them slaves to their exes.

Much of our lives is guided by this sense of scarcity. We mistake the ex that provides — or once provided — for our emotional needs as the needs themselves.

But the truth is, you don’t really need your ex to appreciate, validate and love you again. What you need is to make yourself feel appreciated, validated, and loved.

What you need is you. There are a bazillion ways you can meet your own needs. And all that is required is an ability to do so and the courage to believe that it is possible.

3. There Is No “Right Or Best” Way To Get Your Ex Back

Some ways of getting an ex back are more effective and healthy than others. But ultimately, there is no right or best way.

Even this guide doesn’t paint my way as the right or best one. All it does is lay a rough model for re-attraction that I believe in and that gets, to my knowledge, the best results for my readers.

And look, I know I’ll get shat on for this, but compared to every model for getting an ex back, I think mine is by far the healthiest and most effective. But then again, who am I to say it will be a good fit for you?

4. Your Can Always Find Someone Better Than Your Ex

Getting your ex back is a win-win scenario. If they reach out and you re-commit, great. Hopefully it works out. But if your ex never reaches out and moves on, then also great. You’re now open to meeting someone better. And, believe it or not, you can find someone better.

Your ex is not special. Your ex is not your soulmate. And labeling them as such is an insult to literally millions of other people whom you would find attractive and intelligent and who, unlike your ex, are able and ready and willing to create a future with you…

…A future from which you’ll be able to look back at this period and chuckle, knowing how everything you’re feeling and thinking is so unimportant in the grand scheme of life.

5. The Point Of “How To Get Your Ex Back” Advice Is To Stop

The purpose of ex-back advice, even breakup advice as a whole, is to come to a point where you no longer need it — a point where you eventually leave it behind and move on to a new chapter of your life — with or without your ex.

Yet, too often people can’t do that. They intellectualize re-attraction, look for answers they already have, and get addicted to these articles. The same goes for videos and podcasts.

And having greedy gurus preying on their vulnerabilities every step of the way makes everything worse. Let’s face it, most people posing as breakup coaches in this space don’t want what’s best for you — they want your money. They want to exploit your ex-addiction. They want to make you their bitch.

Please don’t give in. After a month — three at most — opt out of this advice. Stop reading my shit. Stop watching my shit. Stop digesting anything ex-back related. Opt out no matter what. Your mental health will appreciate it.

Free Cheat Sheet: A Roadmap To Re-Attracting An Ex Through Honesty

This cheat sheet lays out a simple yet potent approach to mending a relationship — one rooted in raw authenticity that respects both your dignity and that of your ex.

Get The Free Cheat Sheet

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