My Ex Is Ignoring Me And It Hurts (Why And How To Deal With It)

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Being ignored by your ex after a breakup is not all that special. I’ve been through it. My friends have been through it. Virtually everyone who broke up has been through it. We all got ignored by our exes at some point in our lives.

However, I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt. Being ignored by your ex does hurt. Not only that, but it also carries tangible and unrelenting consequences. It lowers self-esteem, makes you more prone to misery, anxiety, and depression, and obstructs or even prevents you from getting closure.

So I’m not surprised you’re feeling like shit.

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Why is your ex ignoring you

Before we start, let’s be clear. There is nothing morally wrong with your ex ignoring you. Sure, it doesn’t feel nice, but let’s be real, they have a good reason why they do it.

For one, you’re probably acting needy and are chasing after them. Maybe you’re begging them to come back, and they feel suffocated. Maybe they moved on and want nothing to do with you anymore. Maybe they’re doing the whole no contact thing. Maybe they’re pissed off.

Your ex could also just be protecting themselves from any unwanted emotions — perhaps they fear that if they respond, they’ll re-open their breakup wounds. Or they’re just playing games by ignoring you, which is a typical response from toxic exes.

But here’s the funny thing: your ex may not be ignoring you at all. Maybe your negative emotions and fear merely fooled you into believing they’re ignoring you.

The reality could be much different. Maybe your ex changed their number. Maybe they’re still writing their response or haven’t formed a coherent one yet. Maybe they’re on a trip and don’t have their phone with them. Or maybe they’re on a date with someone else.

Nonetheless, whether your ex is ignoring you for real or not, the pain endures. Ever wondered why?

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Why does it Hurt When your Ex Ignores you

The reason you feel hurt when your ex ignores you is because through their effort to ignore you, they’re tapping into the internal wiring of your ancient need to connect and feel connected to others and scrambling the shit out of it.

See, humans are social animals. The closer we stay to our loved ones, the safer we feel. Staying connected was how we survived throughout the ages. Feeling connected is our inherent need and curse. (1)

When we lose a relationship, we also lose connection with someone important. And when they ignore us, they’re preventing us from ever repairing that connection. Thus, we subconsciously begin to feel unsafe in the world. And as a result, we consciously grow scared and anxious, usually even needy.

From a biological perspective, this reaction occurs because our brain releases certain chemicals that tell us, “Yo, fuckface, reconnect with your loved one, or you’re going to die.” Think of it as your brain’s ancient survival alarm.

Expanding on this phenomenon, think about relationships in general. The reason we form societies is to stay and feel safe. And when one rejects the norms of society, they get rejected and isolated by everybody else.

Thankfully this is not as common today as it was back in our caveman days.

At that time, if you were part of a tribe and did something that went against the rules of that tribe, the other tribesmen and women would label you a renegade and shun and reject you. They’d have all the power. And you’d probably die. Hence, your brain’s survival alarm would light up just as it lights up when your ex ignores you presently and makes you feel like you’re dying.

How To Get Your Ex To Stop Ignoring You

Counterintuitively, it’s not trying to make your ex stop ignoring you that gets them to stop. It’s letting them go and surrendering to the pain of being ignored that gets them to stop ignoring you.

So, here are four things you should do.

1. Cease Contact

No response is still a response. If your ex is ignoring you, it must be because you’re on some level bothering them. And I’d say the odds of you bothering them are pretty damn high. You’re probably chasing and pursuing them as I write this. Maybe even pleading or begging them to come back.

This imbalanced dynamic never works out. It gives all the power to your ex and none to you. It also drains them of any respect they have left for you, and it pulverizes their attraction.

The solution to changing this unhealthy dynamic and getting a chance to rekindle things is to stop trying to reconnect with your ex. In other words, go no contact.

It’s normal to feel hurt, lonely, and like you’ll die when your ex is ignoring you. But let them miss you, deal with their emotions, and come back into your orbit at their own pace. Let them go, otherwise, they’ll just ignore you longer, and you’ll eventually slaughter your chances of ever getting back with them.

Think of it this way: if you keep doing the same things you’re doing, you’ll keep getting the same results you’re getting.

2. Leverage Apatheia

When your ex keeps ignoring you, it’s okay to feel emotional. But, it’s best if you keep those emotions in check so they don’t make you perform sabotaging behaviors. Like when you call your ex ten times in a row or show up at their doorstep unannounced.

In Stoicism, there’s a word for this mentality: apatheia. Think of it as a sort of equanimity that comes with the absence of irrational or extreme emotions.

Apatheia means resisting harmful emotions by telling yourself things like, “My ex is ignoring me right now, and it hurts, but I can’t let myself panic, or else there’s gonna be hell to pay.”

Or, “I know I’m feeling sad because my ex is ignoring me, but this feeling, like all feelings, is fleeting and will dissipate in time. So don’t act. Stand your ground. This too shall pass.”

Don’t get me wrong, though. I’m not asking nor encouraging you to avoid your feelings, pretend they don’t exist or lose them altogether. All I’m asking you is to try and let go of the harmful and unhelpful kind to avoid basing your actions on them.

3. Abandon All Control

You can’t control whether your ex ignores you or responds. Hell, you can hardly control anything. However, what you can control (at least for the most part), is yourself — mainly how you interpret your pain and respond to your ex ignoring you.

Years ago, I read a brilliant book by a retired pickup artist, Neil Strauss. Most of the first act detailed Neil’s life in an addiction rehab facility. A facility where people like love, sex, and drug addicts get sent off to get a grip on their life and recover from their vices.

The thing that really stuck with me from that book was a mantra the patients in the rehab facility chanted. They’ve coined it The Serenity Prayer.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Addicts cannot change the abuse suffered in childhood. You cannot change the fact that your ex broke up with you and is ignoring you.

They cannot change the choices they’ve made or the hurt they caused. You cannot change the choices you’ve made or the hurt you found yourself in.

They can, however, change their future —through the power they have in the present. You have that same power, that same opportunity. So use it.

The moment you’ll feel better and potentially change your ex’s mind about ignoring you is when you shift your focus from the things outside your control (your ex ignoring you) to the things within your control (how you respond to your ex ignoring you).

4. Stop Overthinking And Overreacting

Trying to figure out if your ex will stop ignoring you or if they’ll come back or not, and everything in between won’t help your sanity. And while your ex’s feelings toward you may change in the future, it’s best to let go of those expectations for now.

As I’ve argued in a this article: act like your ex will never stop ignoring you. This mindset will keep overthinking and overreacting, and thus, self-sabotage at bay.

The more you make yourself believe that your ex will never cease their silence, the greater the odds of them reaching out and you recovering become.

And when you do recover, the intensity of your emotions decreases. Therefore, you make better decisions and display more non-needy, attractive responses if your ex reaches out, and thus, increase your chances of getting them back.

(An offshoot of this mentality would be finding something more meaningful than your ex ignoring you and wholly focusing on it.)

Now, there are many ways to cultivate this mindset. Distract yourself. Go out and socialize. Start dating other people. Meditate, journal, do yoga, and qi-gong. Experiment liberally.

What To Never Do When Your Ex Ignores You

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While researching this article, I’ve encountered a few other articles addressing the same topic: what to do when an ex ignores you.

Some gave pretty useful advice. Others not so much. But a handful of them contained downright toxic advice. I’m talking emotional manipulation and permutations of needy behavior repackaged as some fancy re-attraction technique.

So for your and your ex’s mental health sake, I’ll cover some of these tips below so you understand what you should never, ever do if you want your ex to stop ignoring you.

Make your ex jealous. A surprising number of articles encourage readers to post pictures of themselves hanging out with attractive people of the opposite sex with hopes that their ex sees the pictures and gets jealous. What can I say? Are you 12 or something? Don’t don’t it. Jealousy will not make your ex stop ignoring you.

Make your ex think you’re doing great. This tip encourages people to fake how great they’re doing and feeling in their social circles, hoping that the word eventually reaches their ex and makes them stop ignoring them. Again, what the fuck? First, you’re trying to get validation from your ex, and now your friends? Get some self-respect dammit.

Reach out to your ex. The frequency of this tip popping up across my research blew me away. How some writers recommend reaching out to someone who ignores you is beyond me. Just don’t do it. How will doing what you’ve already been doing give you any other result than the result you’re already getting?

Write a letter to your ex. Another tip to throw in the bin, pour gasoline over it, and light a match. I’ve actually been the dumbass who did this in the past. Yes, I wrote my ex a love/apology letter because they kept ignoring my texts. I figured that would spark their attraction. Spoiler alert: It didn’t. It just annoyed the shit out of them.

Use mutual friends as spies or messengers. Some articles suggest casually asking mutual friends what your ex is up to, or worse, using them to pass along messages. “Can you tell them I’m sorry?” or “What are they saying about me?” This puts your friends in an awkward position and makes you look pathetic. Your ex will also see right through it. If you can’t talk to your ex directly, using intermediaries won’t fix that — it’ll just make you look more desperate and manipulative.

Create fake emergencies to get a response. I’ve seen people fake health scares, family emergencies, or urgent “we need to talk” messages just to get their ignoring ex to respond. This is sociopathic behavior. Not only does it not work (they’ll see through it or resent you for it), but it also destroys any remaining trust or respect. If you have to manufacture crises to get someone’s attention, they don’t want to give you their attention. Accept it.

Leave long voicemails explaining yourself. They’re not responding to your texts, so you figure a heartfelt voicemail will do the trick. Wrong. If they’re ignoring your texts, they’re definitely not listening to a 5-minute rambling voicemail. At best, they’ll delete it without listening. At worst, they’ll listen, cringe, and feel even more justified in ignoring you. Keep your dignity intact and don’t leave voicemails when someone is clearly avoiding you.

Comment on all their social media posts. They’re ignoring your direct messages, so you start liking and commenting on every single thing they post, hoping they’ll notice and respond. This is digital stalking. It’s not cute, it’s not romantic, and it definitely won’t make them stop ignoring you. They’ll either block you or screenshot your behavior to show their friends how clingy you are. If they wanted your input on their posts, they’d respond to your messages.

Show up at their work, home, or regular hangouts. This is the nuclear option some desperate people take: “If they won’t respond to me online, I’ll just show up in person!” This is not romantic. This is harassment. You’re violating their clear boundary (they’re ignoring you) by forcing physical proximity. This will terrify them, piss them off, or both. And it might get you a restraining order. Don’t fucking do this.

Send them gifts to “remind them you care.” Flowers to their workplace. A care package to their apartment. That book they mentioned wanting months ago. You think this shows you’re thoughtful and still care. What it actually shows is that you can’t take a hint. If someone is ignoring you, gifts don’t fix that — they just make the ignoring worse because now you’re also being invasive. Save your money and your dignity.

Post cryptic messages or sad quotes aimed at them. Posting things like “I miss people who don’t miss me back” or “Sometimes silence is the loudest cry for help” hoping they’ll see it and feel guilty enough to respond. They will see it. They will know it’s about them. And they will either roll their eyes or feel vindicated in ignoring you because you’re being manipulative and dramatic. Stop performing your pain for an audience of one who isn’t watching.

Threaten to hurt yourself or say you can’t live without them. This is emotional blackmail, and it’s one of the most toxic things you can do. If you’re genuinely suicidal, get professional help immediately — don’t put that on your ex. If you’re just saying it to manipulate them into responding, you’re being abusive. Either way, this will not make them stop ignoring you. It will make them feel trapped, scared, and more determined to stay away from you. And rightfully so.

If your ex keeps ignoring you consider moving on

If days and weeks go by and your ex is still ignoring the living shit out of you, consider moving on. No, I don’t mean recovering. I mean, actually moving on — as in, moving on to someone new and forgetting all about your ex.

I doubt you’re ready to let go for good, but keep the option in mind. It’s a viable way to move forward, and most of the time, again, counterintuitively, it gets your ex to stop ignoring you and reach out.

Good luck.

(Optional) Top Questions About An Ex Ignoring You

What to do when I can’t leave my ex alone despite them ignoring me?

For starters, go on a strict social media detox, coupled with no contact. Convincing your ex to stop ignoring you is pointless, especially if you’ve been acting desperate. You can’t force them to lower their defenses, and even if you do, it’s only a matter of time before they raise them back up.

Also, be sure you find someone who can hold you accountable during this time so you don’t reach out to your ex.

What to do when I apologized to my ex and they still ignore me?

It’s not like your ex owes you a response. They are an ex, after all. Think of them as a separate entity from you — a separate world.

Like you don’t owe them anything, they don’t owe you anything. It’s not their responsibility to make you feel happy again. It’s your responsibility. So take it.

What to do when my ex doesn’t even want to be friends?

Well, your ex ignoring you or not, you shouldn’t want or try and be friends with them in the first place. And let’s be honest, you don’t want a friendship. You want to rekindle your relationship. You want your ex back. And you should tell them that if they enquire about it.

And before you even ask, the answer is no. You can’t use friendship as a backdoor to a renewed relationship. It never works out. Friendship between you and your ex should only develop once you’re both over each other and there’s no shred of emotional residue left from your previous relationship.

What to do when My ex unblocked me but ignores me/still hasn’t reached out?

If your ex unblocked you but hasn’t reached out, do nothing. Who gives a shit. Did they do anything else? Maybe liked one of your pictures, sent you a friend request, directly messaged you? No? Nothing? Then let it go.

Besides, your ex unblocking you doesn’t mean anything. They probably decided to do it out of politeness, not romantic interest. And the reason they still ignore you is identical to why an ex would ignore you in general.

What to do when My ex started talking to me but quickly stopped and continued ignoring me?

Your ex probably initiated the conversation on a whim. Or they just wanted to pass their time. And for whatever reason, they had no better or more entertaining option than you to come along.

Whatever the case, carry on with no contact and let your ex come back to you at their own pace.

What to do when My ex flirts with me and then ignores me?

If your ex flirts with you, it means they still like you. But when they go back to ignoring you, it means you’ve said or done something

unattractive during your interaction. Maybe you didn’t communicate clearly enough. Maybe you failed to assert your boundaries. Maybe you’ve just acted needy and pushy.

Therefore, if you want your ex to stop shuffling between hot and cold behavior, figure out what you’re doing wrong during your interactions and either stop doing it and/or try something else.

How Long Will My Ex Ignore Me?

There’s no set timeline. Some exes ignore you for a few days, some for months, some forever. It depends on why they’re ignoring you, how you’ve behaved post-breakup, and whether they’re actually ignoring you or just setting boundaries.

If you’ve been desperate and clingy, expect the ignoring to last longer. If you back off and give them space, they might stop ignoring you sooner. But don’t count days waiting for them to respond. Act like they’re never going to stop ignoring you and move forward with your life.

Does My Ex Ignoring Me Mean They Hate Me?

Not necessarily. Ignoring you usually means they’re protecting themselves, not that they hate you. They might be angry, hurt, overwhelmed, or just trying to move on. Hate requires energy. Ignoring is often just apathy or self-preservation.

That said, if they’re going out of their way to ignore you — blocking you everywhere, being hostile when you run into them, telling mutual friends to keep you away — then yeah, they might genuinely hate you right now. But even hatred can fade with time.

Should I Ignore My Ex Back?

You’re not “ignoring them back” — you’re respecting their boundary and moving on with your life. There’s a difference. Ignoring them back as a strategy to make them jealous or curious is petty and manipulative. But pulling back and focusing on yourself because they’re clearly not interested? That’s just self-respect.

Don’t play games. If they’re ignoring you, give them space. Not to punish them, but because that’s what healthy people do when someone doesn’t want to engage with them.

What If My Ex Is Ignoring Me But Still Watching My Instagram Stories?

Story watching is passive. It requires zero effort and zero commitment. They’re curious about your life, but not curious enough to actually talk to you. Don’t read into it.

If they wanted to stop ignoring you, they’d send a message, not just lurk on your social media. Watching your stories doesn’t mean they miss you or want you back. It just means they’re human and curious.

Is My Ex Ignoring Me A Sign They Still Care?

Sometimes, yes. If they’re actively ignoring you (not just living their life and not thinking about you), it can mean they still have feelings — usually hurt or anger, not love. Complete indifference is when they don’t ignore you or engage with you; you just don’t exist to them anymore.

But don’t use this as false hope. Even if they still care on some level, that doesn’t mean they want you back or that you should keep trying to get their attention. Let them work through whatever they’re feeling without you in the picture.

My Ex Ignores My Texts But Responds To Others On Social Media — Why?

Because responding to strangers or casual acquaintances on social media is easy and low-stakes. Responding to you is emotionally complicated. They’re avoiding the complexity of engaging with you, not avoiding social interaction in general.

This isn’t personal in the way you think. It’s not about you being less important. It’s about you being more important, which makes you harder to deal with right now.

Does No Response Mean No Chance Of Getting Back Together?

Not always, but usually. If someone wants you back, they don’t ignore you for weeks or months. They might need a few days of space, but prolonged ignoring usually means they’re done or at least not interested right now.

The rare exception is if they’re ignoring you because you’ve been insanely desperate and they need you to back off before they can even consider reconciliation. But even then, no response for months is a pretty clear answer.

What If My Ex Only Ignores Personal Messages But Responds To Logistics?

Then they’re setting a boundary: they’ll communicate about practical matters (shared responsibilities, belongings, etc.) but not about the relationship or emotions. This is actually healthy boundary-setting, not malicious ignoring.

Respect it. Keep your communications to logistics only. Don’t try to sneak in personal stuff or emotional appeals in logistics conversations. They’re drawing a line — don’t cross it.

Is My Ex Ignoring Me Or Are They Just Busy?

If it’s been days or weeks, they’re not “just busy.” Everyone has 30 seconds to send a text. If they wanted to respond, they would find the time.

Stop making excuses for them. If someone consistently doesn’t respond over an extended period, they’re choosing not to engage with you. Accept it and move on.

What If My Ex Broke Up With Me But Now Ignores Me When I Try To Get Closure?

They don’t owe you closure. I know that sucks to hear, but it’s true. They ended the relationship. That’s the closure. Everything else is just you wanting validation or explanation that might make you feel better.

Closure is something you give yourself, not something you get from someone who dumped you. Work on creating your own closure through therapy, journaling, or just accepting that some questions don’t have satisfying answers.

My Ex Ignored Me For Months But Suddenly Reached Out — What Changed?

Could be anything: they’re lonely, they miss you, they’re curious how you’re doing, their rebound ended, they want validation that you still care, they’re feeling guilty. Don’t assume it means they want you back.

If they reach out after months of ignoring you, proceed cautiously. Figure out what they want before getting your hopes up. It might just be breadcrumbing, not genuine interest in reconciliation.

Should I Send One Final Message Before Accepting They’re Ignoring Me Forever?

If you’ve already reached out multiple times and gotten silence, no. One more message won’t change anything. It’ll just make you look more desperate.

The only exception: if you never clearly stated you wanted them back, you can send one short, clear message expressing that. “I want to try again if you’re open to it. If not, I understand.” Then leave them alone forever. If they don’t respond to that, you have your answer.

What If Ignoring Them Back Makes Them Think I’ve Moved On And They Never Reach Out?

Good. If they only reach out because they think you’re still pining for them, that’s not genuine interest — that’s ego. You want someone who wants you back because they genuinely miss you and want to try again, not because they’re afraid of losing your attention.

If giving them space makes them never reach out, they weren’t going to reconcile anyway. You’d just be prolonging the inevitable by continuing to chase them.

Can Ignoring Be A Good Sign?

Rarely. In very specific circumstances — like when you’ve been overwhelmingly needy and they need you to back off before they can even consider talking to you again — ignoring can be a necessary boundary that might lead to future reconciliation if you actually respect it.

But 95% of the time, ignoring is not a good sign. It means they don’t want to engage with you right now, and you need to accept that and move forward.