Click here to download the pDF version of: 10 Signs Your Ex Is Never Coming Back (And Some Sobering Advice).
I get it. You’re looking for signs that will help you determine if the relationship with your ex is rebuildable and thus worth fighting for. No one wants to spend time trying to rebuild an un-rebuildable relationship, after all. No one wants to try and rekindle things that are fated to stay frozen forever.
Last week I wrote an article where I argued that if you want better chances of getting your ex back, you should stop obsessing over the signs that they will eventually come back. Besides, obsessing about those signs only promotes unnecessary stress, worry, and neediness. None of which help you rekindle things or feel better in general.
In this article, I will make a similar argument. The only difference is that I’ll go one step further: Don’t just stop obsessing over the signs your ex will never come back; convince yourself that they all have giant checkmarks next to them. Put differently; act as if your ex is never, EVER, coming back.
Counterintuitively, this mentality will increase the likelihood of your ex coming back. Plus, it will even help you move on faster and feel better. So, stick with me here. I promise you, it will all make sense in the end.
Below, I’ll go over eleven imperative signs indicating your ex is never coming back, so we’re all on the same page about what we’re discussing. Next, I’ll explain why it’s best to pretend that there’s a big checkmark next to each of those signs. And in the end, I’ll explain how you can adopt this “it’s over for good” mentality despite the mental adversities.
Signs your Ex Is Never Coming Back
1. Your ex told you to move on already. The only exception is if they keep telling you this as a form of reverse psychology aimed at winning you back. Sadly, this happens more times than you think. Several “get your ex back” gurus teach this dirty-trick in their sham programs. (Looking at you, Chris Canwell.)
2. Your ex blocked you and is avoiding you. When a person blocks you on social media or blatantly avoids communicating with you, it’s because they don’t like you and probably don’t want anything to do with you.
3. Your ex keeps making excuses when you invite them out. If your ex keeps telling you things like “maybe I’ll go out next week, I’m busy right now, or I have some errands I need to take care of,” there’s a good chance that they don’t want to be near you at the moment. Remember, always focus on what a person does, not what they say.
4. Your ex is married/is getting married. Do I need to say anything else? Never get entangled in these situations. (even if your ex is willing to cheat) Stay away.
5. Your ex speaks badly about you to mutual friends and family. While you could argue that hate (also, hostility, vile anger and mockery) is not the opposite of love (indifference is), I digress. Hate is still hate. You don’t want to see the people you hate. I don’t want to see the people I hate. No one wants to see the people they hate.
6. They do not care if you’re seeing someone else. If your ex is not showing any signs of jealousy, frustration, or concern when they know or even witness that you’re dating other people, they’re probably over you.
7. Your mutual friends tell you to move on. Mutual friends (of your ex and you) usually have an accurate idea of where you stand with them. Obviously, this is to be expected. Their head is not clouded with emotions, and they probably discussed you with your ex at some point. Therefore if they advise you to move on, it’s wise to listen to them.
8. Your ex returns all of your stuff. This activity is the equivalent of burning bridges with someone. The less things your ex has at your place, the less need there is to contact you about them.
9. You go long-distance. If your ex moved far away from you, or vice versa — far being relative to the individual — re-attraction probably won’t work out. To get an ex back, you need to meet them in person and keep meeting them until you rekindle things. This clearly can’t happen when you’re miles apart.
10. The blatantly obvious. If you and your ex parted ways due to physical or emotional abuse, manipulation, lies, cheating, criminal acts, toxic decisions, etc., there’s probably not much hope (nor should it be ) in reconciliation.
11. You have a strong gut feeling. I know I’m regurgitating the one sign every other blog told you about, but I just had to include it in this list because of its easily overlooked significance. So here goes: if you can sense your ex doesn’t want you back, you’re probably right.
Why you should act as if your ex is never coming back
As I said earlier, as counterintuitively as it sounds, when you stop caring and hoping for your ex-partner’s return, you raise your chances of getting them back. The reason for this reaction is the scarcity bias that is engrained in our minds. Meaning: whatever or whoever is hard to get, unreactive, or unresponsive is usually deemed more desirable and attractive. (1)
However, don’t take this the wrong way. If you approach getting your ex back with manipulation, playing hard to get, or any other trick that exploits the other person’s scarcity bias, you’re setting yourself up for disaster.
So again, genuinely convince yourself that your relationship is over. Truly work on moving on. Don’t just stay silent for the sake of making your ex miss you.
The second reason you should act as if your ex is never coming back is tied, as I said before, to accelerated recovery. Let’s unpack this point even further.
When you strip yourself of any hope of reconciliation, you have no shared future with your ex to look forward to. Thus, the only thing that’s left to focus on is yourself.
You can reflect on why your relationship didn’t work out. You can map out what kind of partner you actually want. You can ponder how to move forward and rebuild your life.
The last reason you should act as if your ex is never coming back is because it increases your overall well-being and productivity.
This reason builds on top of the last one. When you wholly focus on yourself and your personal development after a breakup, you simultaneously begin cultivating a more peaceful and relaxed state of mind. And as a result of this state of mind, you absorb even more benefits: better sleep, diet, productivity, mental health, and an overall enhanced happiness and well-being.
Ultimately, these benefits are nothing to laugh about. The upside of acting as if your ex is gone for good far exceeds the downsides. In fact, we could even argue that there are no downsides to the mentality.
At this point, you’re probably wondering, “okay, I’m digging this. But how can I adopt the slick mindset myself?” I’m glad you asked.
How to act as if your ex is never coming back
As a prerequisite, empty your mind of any morning chants, grandiose affirmations, over-the-top, jovial visualizations, and so forth. You don’t need that. You don’t need to delude yourself with toxic self-help. Besides, that usually backfires.
With that out of the way, let’s get down to business. The way you convince yourself that your ex is never coming back is threefold.
First, decide that all 11 signs your ex is never coming back from earlier have a humongous red checkmark next to them. From now on, your ex blocked you, they’re avoiding you, they talk shit about you, and they carry a scorching desire to never see you again. Whatever.
Second, go radio-silence on your ex and decide that your relationship is over. Then remake that decision in every moment of weakness. This decision coupled with radio-silence will act as a brake, preventing you from falling into self-sabotaging patterns like obsessively contacting your ex.
Third, envision your worst-case scenario. This is the equivalent of what the Stoics call negative visualization. Essentially, it’s the practice of turning towards negative emotions and experiences instead of away from them. (2)
The practice makes the consequences of your worst-case scenario(s) less severe if it does occur because you’ve already prepared for it mentally beforehand.
Therefore, if you’re afraid that your ex will tale everyone how you’re bad in bed, envision that. If you’re scared of your ex disparaging or mocking your pet-peeves and personal values, envision that. If you’re nervous of your ex having sex with your best friend tomorrow, envision that.
Also, along this process of convincing your mind that your ex is never coming back, permit yourself to focus on personal growth without guilt or remorse.
This will feel weird at first. Most people think they should be fighting for their exes love instead. Turns out, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Your ex is not special. And the more you try and pursue or chase after them, the less attracted they’ll become.
So, again, instead of focusing on your ex, focus on yourself. Proactively indulge in any self-improvement tools that resonate with you — tools like meditation, gratitude journals, qi-gong, solid self-help books, mindfulness, new hobbies, creative writing, art therapy, and on and on… There are a million and one options out there. Go wild.
The uncomfortable truth
If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know the uncomfortable truth: most exes don’t come back. And even when they do, the rekindled relationship rarely lasts more than a few months.
The only time you’ll ever have a fair chance of re-attracting and keeping your ex is when your values and lifestyle choices align and when both of you do the required personal development work on yourselves. Or, put differently, when you become compatible and learn how to maturely manage the traits, behaviors, and tendencies which led to the collapse of your initial relationship.
And by the way, these personal transformations don’t happen in 30, 45, or even 90 days, as people often assume. In reality, they take half a year to a decade, depending on the individual.
I know this sounds harsh, but as I said, it’s the uncomfortable truth. It’s meant to be that way. However, fear not! There’s a bright side to the whole thing.
Now that you’re a proud member of Singledom, you have a bazillion opportunities to find a more compatible partner. And if that’s not up your alley, you can also go on an un-attached dating rampage as I did.
Sooner or later, you’ll either meet someone better than your ex and commit to them or start enjoying being single/dating. Regardless, a time will come when you’ll be at peace again. When that happens, the past will stay in the past, and you’ll never look back.