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If you suddenly feel the temptation to send that text, stop for a damn second and think about what you’re doing. Really think about it.
Should you actually send that text? Or should you rather just go and eat something instead? Or maybe hurl your phone across the room? Or perhaps take a shot of tequila?
Here’s a hot-take: don’t fucking do it. No, not the tequila. The texting. Whether you want to get back with your ex or simply move on, texting them is rarely a good idea.
The instant you hit send, you’ll be caught up in a whole new web of regrets and anxiety. And your self-worth and esteem will often suffer for it, not to mention your ex’s attraction for you. So, in many ways, shooting that text just isn’t worth it.
But why isn’t it worth it? Are there instances where texting your ex is actually appropriate? What about situations where you absolutely shouldn’t text them? Should you at least send a text when it comes to stuff like birthdays? What about if you just really, really, really miss your ex?
These are just some of the concerns I’ll address in this article.
Let’s begin.
Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Text Your Ex
1. You Need To Take Your Time To Heal
Healing from a breakup is a pain in the ass. And it takes a lot of time. It’s completely normal to have this impulsive need to talk to your ex during this period because you feel out of control and miss them.
But before spiraling, you need to give yourself time to heal. Not texting your ex will enable you to borrow that time.
And while self-control can be incredibly challenging, if you do it well, you will emerge more resilient than ever. Eventually, and with repetition, you won’t even be thinking about texting your ex anymore.
2. Texting Your Ex Diverts Your Focus For The Worse
No matter how much you still care about your ex, texting them should be the last thing on your mind after the breakup.
Instead, prioritize distancing yourself from them, reflecting on what went wrong in your relationship, and focusing on self-improvement.
These are just far more important points to obsess over. Plus, you actually have control over them compared to eliciting a certain response from your ex through sending them a text message.
Generally, the more you dwell on whether or not to text them, the more anxious and needy you’ll become. And the more anxious and needy you feel, the less you’ll focus on personal growth, making it more likely that you’ll text them prematurely, which will reopen your breakup wounds and likely only annoy your ex, potentially leading to unnecessary drama.
3. If You’re Expecting Closure, Forget It
While you may expect that texting your ex will bring you some sort of closure, this just isn’t true. Nothing they say or do will make you feel any better.
Besides, they probably don’t even know what to say or do. They’re likely just as confused as you are. And if they apologize after you make the first move, they probably aren’t genuine anyway.
You might even feel that by talking, you’ll be able to pinpoint what you lacked in your relationship so you can somehow “fix” yourself and get back together with them. Bullshit. You should never let your self-worth be attached to someone else this way. This sort of mindset will only make you go bonkers.
4. Texting Your Ex Can Lead To Codependency
Constantly texting your ex can lead to developing an emotional dependency on them for validation and comfort.
This dependency hinders your ability to develop healthy coping mechanisms and achieve emotional independence. In other words, it decreases your self-reliance — a critical trait for breakup recovery.
On the other hand, avoiding contact allows you to grow emotionally and learn to rely on yourself for support and validation. In other words, it enhances your self-reliance.
5. Don’t Give Your Ex The Satisfaction Of Thinking You Aren’t Over Them
If you haven’t been talking to your ex, it’s natural that both of you may wonder if you have moved on or not. The moment you break no contact and text your ex, they may feel rather smug about themselves.
Because to them, this is all the confirmation they need to know that you aren’t over them yet. Don’t give them that satisfaction. Focus on yourself.
6. Texting Your Ex Usually Comes Across Bad
Nine times out of ten, texting your ex, especially if they were the dumper, is nothing short of annoying.
It also suggests you put them on a pedestal and have low self-respect. Otherwise, why text someone who pushed you away in the first place?
Adding insult to injury, texting an ex often makes them think you have nothing better going on in your life, which is… well… just sad. It makes you look pathetic.
7. You’ve Already Said Enough; Save Your Breath
Let’s say you text your ex. What do you expect to get out of it? What will you even say? There is probably nothing you can say that you already haven’t said before.
If you feel that you had to push to communicate with your ex when you were dating, which was likely draining and toxic for you, don’t expect it to be any different now. If they made no effort to communicate at that time, what makes you think they will do it now?
You have said enough; it’s time to save your breath and precious energy. Redirect it to more fruitful goals instead.
8. Texting Your Ex Can Lead To Miscommunication
When emotions run high and communication channels are strained, the likelihood of miscommunication increases significantly, especially through text, where jokes, wit, or sarcasm often get lost.
And then miscommunication can lead to unnecessary conflicts, further complicating an already delicate situation.
So to avoid the risk of miscommunication, don’t send that text. Maintain a respectful distance with your ex instead.
9. You May Feel Relieved For Two Solid Minutes Before You Realize What You’ve Done
“It may feel good to text your ex.”
No, let’s make this more realistic.
“It will feel good to text your ex … for a minute or two.”
But right after reality sets in and you realize what you’ve done, you will regret it. Plus, you may have to think of the worst-case scenario.
What if you text them while they are with someone? What if they flaunt your text in your social circle as an indication that you want to get back together with them? Some toxic exes relish that little ego boost. So, even if you feel nice for a bit, it’s not worth it long term.
10. Texting Your Ex Will Come Off As Needy
In many ways, when you text your ex, you’ll come off as needy and desperate. And if your goal is getting your ex back, your chances for reconciliation will likely plummet for it.
So if you’re on the people who wants their ex back, don’t risk hitting send. It’s not worth it. You’ll likely do more harm than good. Sometimes you may even turn your ex off to a point where they will start to feel relieved that they left.
11. Don’t Let Your Ex Think You Have No Other Options
If you haven’t texted your ex for a long time, they may think you’ve moved on. The instant they get a message from you, they may settle with a new delusion that somehow they’re the best you can do or the only thing you have going on in your life.
This is a big turn-off and may be quite embarrassing for you when you think about it. But thankfully, you can easily avoid these outcomes. Just don’t reach out!
12. Your Ex May Ignore You
When you hit send, you will be glued to your phone like a hawk waiting for a reply. You may very well wait the entire day for a reply. But once you realize they have no intention of texting you back, you may feel hurt, idiotic even.
Save yourself the pain and embarrassment of going down that path and overcome the impulse to text them.
13. It’s Probably Time To Move On
If you’re feeling lonely or reminiscing over old times, don’t let it drive you to the extent that you text your ex. It’s time that you move on. You have no reason to waste your time and energy on something of the past.
Instead, think of this as a chance to meet new people, connect with old friends or just spend time with yourself. Day by day, you’ll get through it and find yourself naturally moving on.
14. Think Of The Past You, The Future You, And Respect Them
Before you text your ex, think about the past you. Think of the difficult times you went through before your relationship’s downfall. It’s rarely fair or healthy to try to reconnect with your ex after all that. Chances are, you won’t just be disrespecting your past self but also your future self.
Now’s the time to create a future for yourself. Invest in the things that make you a better person (purpose, values, self-care, lifestyle, etc). By texting your ex, you’ll only re-open your wounds of the past and perhaps jeopardize your future as well.
15. Think How Selfish And Disrespectful It Could Appear
When an ex dumps you, they’re indicating the relationship wasn’t working and they need space from you.
By texting them, you’re not only disrespecting their decision to leave; you’re also sending the message, “I don’t care what you want, I want you back now.”
This behavior makes everything about you and invalidates your ex’s feelings and needs. It’s not only selfish, it’s narcissistic. You don’t want to come across as a narcissist, right?
Situations When Texting Your Ex Is Appropriate
1. Shared Responsibilities
These include situations like having pets or kids with your ex, living or working together, and sharing the same social activities, among many others.
In all of these cases, while you could text your ex about them, you should only stick to relevant topics and be straight to the point, avoid random chit-chat and emotional talk, and strictly talk about whatever the shared responsibility at hand is. And as soon as you come to a mutually beneficial decision or conclusion, end the conversation.
2. Exchanging Belongings
Feel free to text your ex when you need to return their belongings and vice versa. But be sure to keep your text message short and to the point.
To minimize contact, however, consider sending a friend to do the belongings exchange. That said, if you just must meet your ex, remain friendly but avoid getting into any emotional discussions. Keep the meeting brief.
A side note: exchanging belongings before beginning the no contact period is a smart move. This ensures there’s no reason for either of you to reach out later, helping to maintain distance and avoid potential setbacks in recovery.
3. Strong Friendship
If you’re already close friends with your ex, I don’t see a problem with texting them as long as there’s truly not a shred of emotional baggage or the desire to get back together present on either side.
If these feelings exist, it’s best to end the friendship entirely. Staying in contact won’t aid your recovery, and if your ex is unaware of your lingering feelings, maintaining the relationship can come across as manipulative and unkind.
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Get Instant AccessSituations When Texting Your Ex Is Super Inappropriate (Even Dumb)
1. Abusive Relationships
If you were in an abusive relationship, don’t text your ex. Abusive dynamics can be deeply damaging, and reopening communication can put you at risk of further emotional or physical harm. Mainly because abusers often use communication as a way to manipulate and control, making it difficult to move on and heal.
2. Wanting Revenge
Texting your ex out of a desire for revenge is a surefire way to escalate negativity and prolong the emotional turmoil. Sure, revenge might offer a temporary sense of satisfaction, but it ultimately traps you in a cycle of anger and resentment. And we don’t want that.
3. Eliciting Jealousy
Trying to make your ex jealous through texting is a manipulative tactic that rarely achieves the desired outcome. In fact, quite the contrary. It often leads to more hurt feelings, not less. And then those hurt feelings can make you appear insecure or desperate, which diminishes any remaining respect between you and your ex, causing both of you to suffer.
4. New Date/Partner
Texting your ex when they’re dating someone else is generally inappropriate and disrespectful. It can create unnecessary drama and disrupts their new relationship, reflecting poorly on you. Pretty self-explanatory.
5. Drunk Texting
Texting your ex while under the influence of alcohol is rarely a wise decision. After all, alcohol impairs judgment and can lead to impulsive messages that you might regret later. Plus, drunk texting often results in unclear or overly emotional communication that can confuse or upset your ex, leading to more drama and, as a result, hurt.
If you’re tempted to reach out after a few drinks, consider turning off your phone or asking a friend to intervene until you’re sober and can think more clearly.
6. Clawing For Closure
Texting your ex in search of closure is often a misguided endeavor. While it’s natural to seek answers and resolution, expecting your ex to provide closure usually leads to disappointment. Because closure is ultimately something that you must find within yourself, independent of your ex’s input.
7. Desperation
This means that you miss your ex like crazy, you think you can convince them to give you another shot, or you’re afraid they will forget you if you don’t reach out. Same story if you’ve been constantly texting your ex since the breakup and they haven’t been reciprocating. Or if you’ve been glued to social media for days on end, stalking them.
In none of these cases should you ever text your ex. Not only is it bad for your mental health, it has the potential to fuck up your ex’s mental health, too.
Final Thoughts On Texting An Ex
You know that itch you get, the one that whispers, “Just text them. What’s the worst that could happen?”
Yeah, that little bastard lies.
As you know by now, the fleeting satisfaction of sending your ex a text is usually far outweighed by the long-term repercussions. Texting your ex, especially in moments of loneliness or nostalgia, may seem like a good idea — a quick fix to fill your emotional void.
However, it’s a temporary solution that doesn’t address the underlying need for healing and personal growth. Not to mention that if you want your ex back, texting them will usually just push them away — especially if you’re the dumpee.
So please, don’t be a hasty idiot. If ever in doubt, it’s probably better to err on the side of silence than to go for that text. And besides, from a growth perspective, every moment spent looking back and engaging with your ex is a moment stolen from your future.
So instead of staying chained to the past, embrace the opportunities that await in the future. Yes, there are more of them — lots more. Think about it this way: life is filled with chapters, and while some are meant to end, others are just waiting to be written.
(Optional) Top Questions About Texting An Ex
Should I Text My Ex Happy Birthday?
No, you should not text your ex happy birthday. Especially not if you want to leverage their special day to start a conversation with them that you hope will lead to a date and, by extension, a rekindled relationship. Your ex will be able to smell these needy intentions from a mile away and they will be repelled by them.
Should I Text My Ex Who Dumped Me?
If your ex was the one who called quits, you don’t need to text them. You’ll likely just end up annoying them and turning them off. They may even go around and spread the word that you’re a needy person who won’t let your past relationship go. Instead, wait for them to reach out, and when they do, set up a date with them. If they ever feel like they made the wrong decision, they will be the ones to contact you first. And if they don’t, they’re probably content with their decision.
What Can I Do If I Feel The Urge To Text My Ex?
Stop yourself if you ever get hit with a strong impulse to text your ex. Think about why you want to reconnect with someone from your past. If you feel like you may cave, try doing something to distract yourself. Go for a walk, take a bath, watch a movie, anything that feels good to you, do it. Doing something that requires you to use your hands is a good idea since that can occupy your mind as well. While doing this all, try to keep your phone out of easy reach so you don’t act on your impulses with haste.
What Do I Do If My Ex Messages Me First?
If you just want to move on, feel free to ignore or ghost them. Or, if you’re of the more polite sort, engage in a short conversation, and then say, “Nice hearing from you, but I’ve got to go. Take care.” If your ex wants to talk logistics like pets, kids, living or work arrangements — have the conversation but end it as soon as you come to some mutually beneficial solution or once you solve whatever problem you’re dealing with. If you want your ex back, I’d engage, like I wrote prior, in a short conversation and then invite them out on a date.
Should I Text My Ex If I Miss Them Or If I Just Want To Catch Up After A Long Time?
No, you should not text your ex just because you miss them or want to catch up after a long time. Doing so can open old wounds and make it harder for you to move on. This kind of communication might reignite feelings or create false hope that could lead to further heartache. Instead of reaching out, try to focus on your healing and personal growth.
Should I Text My Ex If They Want To Move On?
If your ex has expressed a desire to move on, you should respect their wishes and refrain from texting them. Because by reaching out in this situation, you may come off as disrespectful or inconsiderate of their feelings and boundaries. And that could cause drama that, at the end, harms you both emotionally.
Should I Text My Ex If They’ve Moved On To A New Relationship?
No, you should not text your ex if they have moved on to a new relationship — ever! It’s intrusive and disrespectful, not only to your ex but also to their new partner. Please leave them alone in this case. If it’s too difficult, maybe ask a friend or a therapist to keep you accountable.
How Long Should I Wait To Text My Ex?
Waiting is not the point. If you have some logistical stuff to sort out, text your ex as you’re available and sort it out. If you want them back, however, I’d strongly suggest not waiting a certain period of time before texting. Instead, if they don’t know you want them back, text them about it right away. And if they’re receptive, invite them on a date. But if they already know you want them back, only start communicating with them if they reach out first (and with it, give the green light for further re-attraction).
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