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Being friends with your ex to get them back is a huge mistake. Hell, it’s even worse if you don’t want them back and just want to put that bitchin’ broken heart back together.
And look, I get it. I’ve been there! I had to deal with the whole friendzone bullshit years ago myself.
You’re terrified of losing your best friend. Your life feels dull and empty without them. And while you don’t really want to just be their friend, staying friends is still better than severing the connection you had completely.
Besides, if you agree to be their friend, you can slowly win them back while you work on yourself, right? Better yet, you can show them what an awesome, sensitive person you are by supporting them through one of the thorniest times of their life. What could go wrong?
Spoiler: a lot of things can go very wrong, especially if you want to get your ex back.
If you agree to be friends with them post-breakup, you almost always end up paying a heavy price. Even worse, you’re not any more likely to get them back.
While there are a number of reasons why being friends with your ex to get them back is a mistake, in this article, I’ll address seven that I find most important.
So buckle the fuck up — and let’s do this.
Reason 1: It Makes It Difficult To Re-Attract Your Ex
While there is no one formula for re-attracting an ex because every relationship is different, I have covered the general formula before in my article on how to get back with an ex.
I won’t go into detail since you can learn everything in the article linked above, but the process generally involves a period of intense self-improvement.
Apart from becoming a happier, more responsible and confident, less shitty human — another reason why you’d want to indulge in self-improvement is to inject an element of novelty back into your ex-relationship. To shake things up a little bit. To add some mystery. To give your ex something to discover about you once again.
Because once you go through a period of intense self-improvement, well, now you’ve got layers, baby! You’re not the same person anymore. Now, you’ve added depth and complexity to yourself, ready to be revealed.
Not to mention that the time you spent working on yourself equates to giving your ex space to wonder about you, perhaps even miss you, granted you’ve let them wonder long enough and that they still foster minimal attraction for you. As the cheesy saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
But guess what being your ex’s friend does? Yep, that’s right. It makes you predictable and boring. You’re not a wild card anymore. And it doesn’t give them sufficient space to reflect on the relationship and get into a headspace where they can start to wonder about and miss you.
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Learn More HereReason 2: It Prolongs Your Breakup Recovery
Even if you still want your ex back, recovering from the breakup is always the first step. Ample recovery is what makes you happier, more in control of your emotions, and more confident. And this, in turn, makes you more attractive. Hence, re-attracting your ex becomes easier.
Unfortunately, being friends with your ex basically hinders this recovery process because the friendship makes it more difficult to do the things that help you recover.
Things like constructively working through your conflicting emotions about them and your dead relationship. Or putting an end to your ex-related obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors. Or finding perspective on the relationship and your role in its demise. Or rebuilding your self-esteem independent of their influence.
And that’s not to mention that the friendzone is basically like being repeatedly let down emotionally.
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Get Instant AccessReason 3: It Can Damage Your Ex’s Trust And Respect For You
By all means, be your ex’s friend if you genuinely want to be their friend. I have written about this before. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being friends with an ex once there are no shards of emotional baggage or the desire to mend things present on either side.
The problem is that when an average person wants to be their ex’s friend, they usually don’t genuinely want to be friends. Fuck no! What these people actually yearn for is a backdoor to a romantic relationship. They think remaining friends is a smart way to keep their ex close, hoping they’ll eventually realize what they lost.
Come on, man…
Think about it — this mentality is rooted in fear and neediness. It’s also dishonest, cowardly, and shows a lack of character. Put all of it together, and you have a perfect blueprint for diminishing your ex’s trust and respect over time.
Because let’s face it, your ex probably ain’t dumb. Sooner or later, they will notice you don’t actually want a mere friendship. They will see that you’re (intentionally or unintentionally) playing games and trying to manipulate them into something more romantic in nature.
Have the self-respect and self-restraint to not tread down this road. You’re not doing yourself any favors by staying in your ex’s orbit in this way. Instead of offering the closure or connection you’re looking for, it often just leads to more emotional pain, confusion, and unnecessary drama.
Reason 4: It Often Harms Your Confidence
That is, your ability to stand up for yourself and what you want or believe in, as well as your willingness to walk away from people and situations where your needs are not being met.
Okay, but why does the friendzone usually harm one’s confidence? Well, there are multiple reasons for it…
First, because the friendzone is a form of rejection — a rejection that implies you’re not good enough for your ex. And what does feeling inadequate lead to? Exactly — a lack of confidence.
Second, because through being friends, you surrender all your power to your ex. Suddenly, they’re able to extract the resources they want from you — like affection, support, and validation — while easily sidestepping your needs. And if you protest? Well… they can just say, “We can’t do that! We’re just friends!”
Third, because a friendzone, in particular an involuntary one, creates an environment of fear and anxiety. One where you’re practically always walking on eggshells because you don’t want to say or do the wrong thing that could cause you to potentially lose your ex forever.
Last, because being friends with your ex can emotionally close you off from making new romantic connections. After all, you’ll be saving yourself for your ex the entire time, desperately holding out hope. And in doing so, you can easily develop the limiting belief that you’ll never find someone better, ultimately eroding your confidence.
Reason 5: It Distracts You From Better Relationships
When I was in my early 20s, I mistakenly agreed to be friends with my ex-girlfriend after she dumped me. I still loved her desperately and didn’t want to let go. Hell, I was afraid to death of letting her go.
After all, I based my entire happiness and self-esteem on how she perceived and felt about me. According to my at-the-time childish mind, a lack of validation or affection from my ex meant I wasn’t up to snuff, probably even worthless.
As for our friendship, well… it wasn’t anything to ball over. My ex was constantly cold and indifferent towards me — and for a good reason. Prior to our breakup, I was mean and controlling and constantly stalked and tried to manipulate her into giving me another shot. I was a mess and “this fucking close” to a restraining order.
It also didn’t help that my ex knew I wasn’t going to change unless she pushed me away — and that she deserved better. And guess fucking what? She was right, right on both counts — and smartly held me at arm’s length.
While this was all going on, I had my back completely turned on not one, not two, but three different women that I could’ve ended up dating. I was so focused on my ex that I basically ignored all of them. All three of these women wanted to be with me and were emotionally available. Not to mention compatible and stable.
If I had only let go of my fake friendship and turned to these new people, I would not only come across as more attractive to my ex, but I would probably find someone more suitable to build a relationship with in general. Try not to repeat my mistakes; be better than me.
Reason 6: It Has Potential For One-Sided Effort
I already alluded to this point earlier. But to expand upon it, one-sided effort occurs when you find yourself doing all the work to maintain the friendship while your ex is either uninterested or only casually engaged.
You might go out of your way to stay connected, initiate conversations, or be there for them whenever they need support, all with the underlying hope that your efforts will reignite the romance. However, this can lead to frustration, resentment, and emotional exhaustion when your ex doesn’t reciprocate with the same level of energy or interest.
Don’t get me wrong; your ex might totally appreciate the attention and the emotional support you give them, but not to a point where they would suddenly take you back. This imbalance can create a toxic dynamic where you’re giving more than you’re getting, making you feel like shit practically all the damn time.
Reason 7: It Fills You With False Hope
Saved the best for last, bitch. Wrap yourself in some cotton wool because this one’s gonna hurt.
Let’s start with some sincerity. Be honest with yourself and me for a second. Your ex’s offer of friendship gives you hope — hope that this breakup is reversible, that you can fix things if you just try hard enough.
You want to be the hero of your story, because in every story, the hero always wins back the person they love. Then again, we live in a world where dickface villains like Vladdy Daddy are wreaking havoc, and yet no one has stopped them.
Suffice it to say, we’re short on heroes right now. And you’re probably not going to get your ex back. According to a survey of 4534 participants, aged 18 to 55, I personally conducted last year, only 32% of exes get back together.
So, in a way, being friends with your ex usually just delays the inevitable — the permanent passing of your relationship.
This cheat sheet lays out a simple yet potent approach to mending a relationship step by step — one rooted in brutal honesty that respects both your dignity and that of your ex.
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