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Severely or mildly, your ex is out there somewhere… and they’re hurting.
Maybe they’re lying in bed at night, just like you, wondering if they made the right choice. Maybe they’re fighting back tears when they pass by places that remind them of you. Maybe they’re struggling to eat, to sleep, to function — just like you are.
They are suffering too. But their pain doesn’t change anything about your situation. And in this article, I’ll explain why, along with what you should actually do next.
How Do We Know Your Ex Is Suffering
Simple…
Because pain after a breakup isn’t a choice — it’s biology.
When you form a deep connection with someone, your brain literally rewires itself. You become somewhat addicted to them. Their presence, their touch, their voice — it all triggers the release of feel-good chemicals in your brain.
And when that person disappears from your life, your brain goes into withdrawal. It doesn’t matter if you’re the dumper or the dumpee. It doesn’t matter if the breakup was necessary.
Your brain doesn’t give a shit about logic — it just knows that its source of arguably substantial happiness is gone.
Why Your Ex’s Pain Doesn’t Change Anything
So here’s where most people fuck up: they use their ex’s pain as a reason to reach out, to try to comfort them, even attempt reconciliation.
They think, “If they’re hurting too, maybe there’s still hope. Maybe we can fix this. Maybe I can at least help them feel a bit better…”
Beware: this is a trap. There are three crucial reasons why your ex’s suffering doesn’t change your situation.
- Pain doesn’t equal regret. Just because your ex is hurting doesn’t mean they want to get back together. They can miss you, cry over you, and still know that ending the relationship was the right choice.
- Their healing isn’t your responsibility. In fact, trying to help them heal will only hurt you both more. They need to process their pain on their own, just like you need to process yours.
- Focusing on their suffering keeps you stuck. That is, it prevents you from doing the one thing you absolutely need to do right now: focus on yourself.
Now I know what you might be thinking: “But they drunk texted me last night saying they miss me!” or “Their best friend told me they’re not eating or sleeping!”
None of that matters.
Your ex’s suffering doesn’t negate the reasons for your breakup. It doesn’t fix your incompatibilities. It doesn’t heal the trust that was broken. It’s just pain — natural, normal, inevitable pain that comes with ending any significant relationship.
This cheat sheet lays out 40+ solutions to overcoming a breakup so you can create a new opportunity for love — be that with your ex or someone completely different.
Get The Free Cheat SheetWhat To Do With The Knowledge That Your Ex Is Suffering
Let’s break down exactly how you should handle knowing your ex is in pain. There are a handful of potent approaches you need to take:
- Accept it. Yes, they’re in pain. Yes, it’s real. Yes, it probably hurts you to know they’re hurting. That’s normal — it means you’re human with the capacity to give a shit about other people. Try to hold that feeling without responding to it in ways that lead to negative outcomes (i.e., begging your ex to come back or reaching out constantly).
- Respect it. Don’t use their pain as an excuse to break no contact. Don’t try to comfort them. Don’t send them “checking in” texts. Their healing journey is their responsibility, not yours.
- Redirect your energy. Every time you feel the urge to check on them, do something for yourself instead. Go for a run, call a friend, or work on a project you’ve been putting off.
- Delete the evidence. Remove the digital breadcrumbs that lead you back to thoughts of their suffering. Archive chats, delete social media connections, and remove photos from your regular view.
- Use their pain as motivation to stay away. Because if you truly care about them and don’t want to hurt them even more, you’ll give them the space needed to recover properly.
Look, I know this is hard. When you’re lying awake at night, knowing they might be doing the same, every fiber of your being screams to reach out. To comfort them. To try to fix their pain and yours.
This urge to connect isn’t just emotional — it’s physiological. Your brain is literally sending distress signals, trying to motivate you to reconnect with a source of attachment and security. Your body doesn’t understand breakups or boundaries — it only understands that someone important is missing.
But sometimes the kindest, healthiest thing you can do — for both of you — is to do nothing at all. No, this nothing isn’t passive or easy. It’s an active, difficult choice you’ll need to remake every day until eventually, it becomes easier.
Love your ex enough to let them recover on their own. And love yourself enough to do the same.
This cheat sheet lays out 40+ solutions to overcoming a breakup so you can create a new opportunity for love — be that with your ex or someone completely different.
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