How Long Does It Take An Ex To Come Back (The Exact Answer)

Based on a survey of 4534 people, aged 18 to 55, I conducted between January 2023 and April 2024, it takes an average of 2.56 months for an ex to come back after a breakup.

If you just came here for a straight answer, there you have it. You may click away now.

However, if you want to understand what this data means and how to leverage it to turn around your relationship, read further. There’s a lot more to discuss.

Be Skeptical Of My Survey… Hell, Be Skeptical Of Any Survey On How Long Does It Take An Ex To Come Back

My survey, as virtually all surveys, has caveats. After all, answering how long it takes for an ex to come back is tricky.

Here are just a few reasons why my survey is likely skewed:

• Narrow cultural factors. Roughly 85% of the respondents were from the US, Canada, and Australia, which are individualist cultures. This means the survey results may differ in other cultural settings, such as if I conducted it across South Korea or Russia.
• My unique brand identity. Put bluntly, my brand doesn’t attract gullible idiots, or at least make them stick. The people who read me are realists — they’re smart and know that getting back with an ex is usually a bad idea and that the odds aren’t in their favor. For these reasons, my readers — the people who took my survey — are more likely to move on to someone better, even when they would technically still have a chance with their ex.
• The timing of the survey. It began at the tail end of the pandemic. A time when there were, on average, fewer dating options and more people craving reconciliation with an ex.
• Coaching. When conducting this survey, I was coaching a few of the participants. While I don’t do much coaching, I do enough of it to perhaps skew the numbers a bit.

With the annoying but necessary disclaimers noted, let’s examine the big picture, starting with why it takes months for your ex to come back in the first place.

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Why Does It Take Months For An Ex To Come Back

Roughly half of the people who took my survey have an ex with an avoidant attachment style. This means the ex tends to prioritize, sometimes even obsess over, independence, perceive close relationships as threats to their autonomy, and avoid trusting other people. (1)

This is the first reason it takes them so long to come back. Avoidants simply need more time to open up to the other person and become ready to date them again. (2)

As for the second reason, it’s time dilation. The dumper, who usually doesn’t want to reconcile, generally perceives the same number of days of not talking to the dumpee as far shorter than them. Meanwhile, the dumpee, who usually wants to reconcile, generally perceives the same number of days of not talking to the dumper as far longer than them.

Put another way: for the average dumper, not talking to their ex for 30 days will make them feel as though they haven’t spoken for 14 days. On the other hand, for the average dumpee, not talking to their ex for 30 days will make them feel as though they haven’t spoken for over 60 days.

Of course, don’t take these numbers literally. They’re only there to illustrate my point — it’s the perception difference that contributes to feeling like it’s taking forever for an ex to come back. Especially when you’re the dumpee who wants their ex back, which most of the people who read my site and who took my survey are.

Another reason it takes an ex so long to come back is because the other person, usually the dumpee, cannot stop being needy and bugging them. They keep sending messages and calling their ex, they keep asking their friends about their dating life, they keep stalking them on social media, they keep trying to get their validation, blah, blah, blah… You get the point.

Finally, the last reason it takes an ex months to come back is, simply put, shitty circumstances. Certain circumstances naturally prolong the process of getting back together with an ex. These include long-distance, the ex having a new partner, military deployment, or trust issues arising from infidelity.

Continuing with the “why” theme, let’s now unpack why the 2.56-month mark I mentioned earlier is so damn important.

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Why The 2.56 Month Mark Is A Turning Point In Reconciliation

Assuming you were in a reasonably serious, committed, long-term relationship — typically any relationship lasting for over a year—it’s around the second or third-month post-breakup when you arrive at a turning point in reconciliation.

Basically, a point from which getting back with your ex becomes far less likely. Why? To my knowledge, because everything gets easier and emotionally milder after the 2.56-month mark.

On the one hand, you lose a relatively large chunk of attachment to your ex and consequently want them back less. On the other hand, your ex starts to develop a similar sentiment, making them less likely to come back. (3) (4) (5)

Of course, if it’s been over three months and you still struggle to feel better, don’t beat yourself up about it. There’s no exact timeframe for breakup recovery. After all, every breakup is different, for every person is somewhat different.

In contrast, when it comes to your ex’s recovery, granted they’re the dumper, they will likely heal and move past the breakup faster than you will. Mainly because they were probably thinking about the breakup long before they’ve actually dumped you. And as they learn to live their life without you, any regrets or second thoughts about coming back get easier to ignore.

In fact, according to my research, most dumpers, when compared to dumpees, tend to think more negatively of their ex, experience more relief post-breakup, get more social support, suffer less grief, and report more positive growth. (6)

Bottom line: many dumpers hit their stride early and begin to move on quickly, and once this happens there’s not much you can do about it.

This is why I constantly yap about how you should focus on yourself post-breakup instead of chasing after your ex like an idiot. Because once they’re done, they’re probably done for good. And any additional pursuit will just push them further away.

That said, here’s some good news.

Finally…

You are not an average.

While often useful, averages in ex-back advice tend to be horribly misleading. For they ignore the most critical part of any successful reconciliation: context.

For every stat that tells me the average time for an ex to come back is 2.56 months, I can point to a former reader or client whose ex took years to come back. Just as I can point to one whose ex took only a handful of days.

So take a deep breath and…

…Stop Obsessing About How Long Does It Take An Ex To Come Back

You can’t control how long it will take your ex to come back. Or how long it will take you to mend things. Everyone is different, and every situation is different.

So here’s a better alternative to obsession: focus on what you can actually control. Ideally, the things that will actually make a difference whether your ex comes back or not.

To name a few:

• Get the basics in order — get quality sleep, get or stay in shape, start or maintain a healthy diet, and keep your hygiene in check.
• Take a break from work if you’re stressed out, move out of your parent’s place if you have the means for it and are of a ripe age, get your financial life in order, and get some responsibilities like studies or work under your belt.
• Take up modalities like meditation, journaling, gratitude practices, and therapy to learn how to manage your emotions better.
• Socialize more than usual, either with friends, family, or both.
• Start dating as soon as the idea begins to feel fun and exciting.
• Invest in your lifestyle (hobbies and interests, core beliefs and values, attitude, career, social life, etc.), and mold it into something you’re proud of.
• Get your emotional health in order — decrease neediness, shame, and anxiety while concurrently increasing self-worth, self-esteem, confidence, and your ability to set boundaries and be vulnerable.
• Acquire the necessary skills to cultivate a healthy relationship with your ex if they, by some miracle, do come back.
• Find something more important than your ex to care about. Something that imbues your life with meaning and purpose despite your heartbreak.

You get the idea.

This Shit Takes Time — Reconciliation, In General, Takes A Lot Of Time

If you rush back into a relationship with your ex, what is really going to change? Will you be different? Will your ex be different? Will things actually work out?

No, no, and probably no.

And while it’s easy to think otherwise because your heartbreak has forced you to reevaluate literally everything about your life, be honest with yourself for a second. You’re not where you need to be right now. Deep down, you know it’s true. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here.

And I get it — it sucks. You feel stuck and aren’t sure how to move forward from here. How do you balance working to get your ex back and working on yourself so you end up content and with minimal emotional scathe whether you mend things or not?

You sign up for my Radical Re-Attraction Course.

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With hours of exclusive video content, hundreds of pages of writing, and a private community with one-on-one coaching, I’ll walk you through every step of getting back with an ex, cutting out all the confusion.

If you’re a reasonable thinker, are willing to do some occasionally uncomfortable self-reflection, and hold self-improvement in high regard — the course should be a great fit. Or it might not be, who knows.

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