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Did life knock you down by slogging a bag of lemons across your cheek and then proceeded to piss on your face while you lay on the ground, squirming from the impact?
Of course it did. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here.
Luckily, I have a solution for you — one backed by science, modern psychology, and me. Just follow the steps below, and you will feel better about your breakup, regardless of the amount of suffering it brings.
Step 1: Lie down.
Step 2: Try not to cry.
Step 3: Cry a lot — because surviving a breakup is way harder than you think.
Step 4: Here’s an image to help you out. Thank me later. (Credit: KnowYourMeme.)
Step 5: Don’t stop shedding tears until you’ve let them all out for the day. Feel free to repeat steps 1-5 whenever you’re sad.
Step 6: Realise that even though it may not always seem like it, people actually do care about your well-being. Even if they sometimes don’t know how to show it.
Step 7: Feel better now?
Step 8: No? That’s okay. Here’s a cute picture of a guinea pig in a funny dinosaur costume to cheer you up. (Credit: SouthParkStudios.)
Step 9: Cute, right? Cool. Now stop taking yourself and your life so damn seriously.
Step 10: Realize your problem is not all that special and unique — most people go through a breakup at least once in their lifetime. And it certainly isn’t big. Sorry, but a breakup just isn’t a reason to drive your life into the gutter. It’s not like you’re in a concentration camp, it’s not like you’re having your home shelled and balls cut like that one Ukrainian prisoner, it’s not even like you’re dealing with a divorce with kids and a house involved. Be grateful the only thing on your plate is a breakup. Life could be much worse. (1)
Step 11: Become aware that your ex is not special. They are, like you and me, a shitty and dumb human with their own mix of emotional issues, toxic qualities, and lousy beliefs. So don’t put them on a pedestal. They are replaceable — there are a bazillion other people out there who are smarter, more attractive, and more suitable for you. Resisting this fact is a literal insult to those people.
Step 12: Coming to terms with these facts is uncomfortable. Cope with it by pouring yourself a drink. But skip this step if you are: a) an alcoholic, b) have a medical condition that prevents alcohol use, c) already drunk, or d) are 12 years old.
Step 13: Fuck it, pour yourself another drink — or ten. What are you, a pussy? Go wild or go home.
Step 14: Decide you’re done with this shit and move on. For the most part, getting back with an ex is destined to fail and not worth the hassle. And as much fun as having a no-strings-attached, cum-all-over-the-walls makeup sex is, know that you’ll just feel more confused and dejected afterward.
Step 15: Take responsibility for your breakup. I don’t care whether it was your fault or not. How you respond to it always falls on your shoulders. Don’t expect your ex — or anyone — to make you happy. It’s your job to make yourself happy.
Step 16: Masturbate. It takes the edge off, helps you relax, and leads to better decision-making. (2)
Step 17: Be patient. It may take months or years before you get over your breakup fully. And no, there is no miracle cure; no magic pill to stick up your ass and feel like everything is suddenly marshmallows and cuddly Pomeranians.
Step 18: Slap yourself. Preferably, more than once…
Step 19: Realize that a) slapping yourself won’t solve anything (but it sure as shit is fun to look at), and b) that breakup pain — whether physical or emotional — eventually dissipates.
Step 20: Forgive your ex for contributing to the collapse of your relationship. And then immediately forgive yourself for your fuckups. We all make mistakes. Also, forgive me for wanting to see you slap yourself.
Step 21: Destroy the past. Delete your ex’s phone number, texting exchanges, and photos. Purge their presence of social media. Don’t contact them ever again. Stack all their stuff in a neat pile, lug it outside, pour some gasoline on it, and light the bitch up. As the adage goes, “Out of sight, out of mind.”
Step 22: Breakups suck. Instead of trying to suppress or protect yourself from this suckage, get better at enduring it. Rather than focusing on feeling good, get good at feeling bad.
Step 23: You look a bit hungry; why don’t you go and eat some chocolate or something? My fav is Zotter (not an affiliate). I swear, my penis gets longer and thicker with every bite. And I’m pretty sure this chocolate can also regrow limbs if you eat enough of it. Putting it in your mouth feels like your taste buds collectively busted a nut. Yeah… it’s great!
Step 24: Join breakup recovery support groups — be that via Reddit, Discord, online forums, or Facebook — that forgotten social platform where mostly cranky old people spend their time on these days.
Step 25: Call a friend and tell them how much they mean to you. If that’s too cringey or gay, invite them for a cup of coffee. Just socialize, for God’s sake. Yes, even if you’re an introvert or don’t feel like it.
Step 26: Get some sleep; you look tired.
Step 27: Meditate. Although tedious, it is simple and will help you deal with your emotions better. It’s also not complicated to do. Just sit down, count your breaths, keep your eyes open, and try to guess your name before you were born.
Step 28: Don’t be a swine to your body; eat some healthy greens. At best, cut out sugar, and wheat-based produce like pasta and bread from your diet — the stuff that makes you feel bloated and dirty.
Step 29: Occasionally show your body the middle finger and go eat something shitty — burger, hotdog, pancakes, a truckload of cookies, you name it.
Step 30: Take yourself on a date. A cinema, bowling alley, or a walk in the park are all good ideas. You can even make yourself a bubble bath and just chill there. Just do something nice for yourself for no other reason but because you want to do it.
Step 31: Don’t feel sorry for yourself or try to play the victim. Go lift some weights or do some pushups instead.
Step 32: Never forget your self-care routines. A breakup is no excuse for becoming a slobby sack of shit glued to a living room sofa.
Step 33: Chill with working long hours. Take more time off than usual. Try to say “no” more times than you normally would to your coworker’s requests.
Step 34: Party like a rock star. Drunk call your ex. Simmer in embarrassment afterward. Cry yourself to sleep. Feel like shit for the next week. Fucking simp.
Step 35: Remember that you’ll die soon and that the drunk call doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things (you’re still a simp for doing it though).
Step 36: Buy my Radical Recovery Course. With over 5h of video, 200 pages of writing, and personalized 1-on-1 coaching, I’ll walk you through every step of breakup recovery from start to finish.
Step 37: If dating sounds fun and exciting, go on one — or more.
Step 38: Beer brewing, poetry, painting, gymnastics, doing cocaine on top of a hooker’s tit, whatever — just get some hobbies. Or re-engage in old ones.
Step 39: Sing your favorite song at the top of your lungs. Preferably in the shower or car, so nobody has to listen to you.
Step 40: Combat negative self-talk with stark realism. Instead of telling yourself how you’re a piece of shit for getting into a breakup, tell yourself you just made a mistake and that a failed relationship doesn’t make you a bad person.
Step 41: Consider getting into therapy. Many people shy away from this (and instead rely on dumb and unqualified bloggers like me to save them), but it’s arguably the best investment you can make after a breakup.
Step 42: Realize you overreacted to your breakup and that it was always far less important than it first seemed. Then laugh at yourself for being so blind. Even better, laugh in the warm company of friends.
Step 43: If you’re not employed or don’t have any major responsibilities (i.e., child-rearing, school, college), get some. It’s going to induce a good sense of security in your life, and you’ll be much happier for it.
Step 44: Have I already mentioned you should buy my Radical Recovery Course?
Step 45: Think about the lessons your dead relationship taught you. What are your emotional needs? Do you have any needy tendencies that need to be overcome? Any toxic hangups? Weak boundaries? An insecure attachment style? Self-esteem or worthiness issues?
Step 46: Once you uncover these lessons, don’t forget them. Your future love life depends on them.
Step 47: Find something more important than your breakup and focus on it wholeheartedly. This can be a cause, a movement, a purpose; even flossing your cat.
Step 48: Remind yourself that this shit will pass each day. Nothing lasts forever. Eventually — and I know you don’t believe me right now — you will get better; we all do. So hang in there (not literally).
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