Should I Contact My Ex Who Dumped Me? (Spoiler: Hell No!)

It’s tough to resist the temptation to contact your ex when you want them back. You may think reaching out will somehow change their mind about returning or at least get them to miss you a little.

I hate to take a dump in your stew, but this is rarely the case. Contacting an ex will probably push them further away, especially when they dumped you.

Unconvinced? I’m not surprised.

You don’t want to hear this; you want to believe that contacting your ex will change everything. I get it. I was in your shoes once, too. But let me present my case here.

Below, I’ll list eight reasons why reaching out to your ex is a bad idea, explain why experts advise you to do it anyway, and reveal what I would do instead.

Side note #1: this article presupposes you have already expressed your feelings to your ex and/or told them you want to get back together but were met with rejection, silence, or an unreciprocated response. If you haven’t done so yet, express your feelings first and then proceed with withholding contact.

Side note #2: this article also presupposes that the contact you’re attempting to make isn’t tied to logistics or shared responsibilities like kids, pets, mutual friends, living arrangements, etc. The type of contact discussed is strictly tied to convincing, cajoling, or simply getting your ex to give you another chance.

Featured Product

Featured Product

My Ex-Back Book: 'From The Inside Out'

A no-nonsense guide for thoughtful people who want reconciliation without manipulation, games, or fake behavior — just authentic growth and deep psychological understanding.

Order Your Copy

Why You Should Not Contact An Ex Who Dumped You

While there are many reasons to avoid reaching out to your ex, here are the most important ones to my knowledge.

1. Contacting An Ex Diverts Your Focus For The Worse

I don’t care how much you love your ex; contacting them to get them back should be the last thing on your mind after being dumped.

Instead, you should focus on distancing yourself from them, reflecting on what went wrong in the relationship, what you can do better next time, and self-improvement. This way, if you ever get back with your ex, you won’t suddenly repeat the same mistakes that initially led you to part ways.

Generally speaking, the more you hone in on whether or not to contact them, the more panicky and needy you’ll feel. And the more panicky and needy you feel, the less you’ll focus on personal growth (the whole point of cutting contact with an ex!), and the likelier it is you’ll reach out to your ex before they’re ready to resume contact, pushing them away as a result.

2. Contacting An Ex Can Hinder Your Healing Process

After a breakup, the most crucial step is to focus on healing and moving forward, be that with your ex or without them.

Now contacting your ex disrupts this process by reopening emotional wounds that you are trying to heal. Each message or call you make can easily pull you back into the emotional turmoil of the breakup, preventing you from finding closure and peace.

So instead of progressing, you remain stuck in the past, stagnating.

3. Contacting An Ex Can Lead To Emotional Dependency

When you keep reaching out to your ex, there’s a chance you develop an emotional dependency on them for validation and comfort.

And this dependency can then prevent you from developing healthy coping mechanisms and achieving emotional independence. Put another way, it lowers your self-reliance — arguably the most important trait for breakup recovery.

In contrast, avoiding contact gives you the chance to grow emotionally and learn to rely on yourself for support and validation. Put differently, it enhances your self-reliance.

4. Contacting An Ex Comes Across As Pathetic

Contacting your ex after they dumped you is, simply put, annoying and predictable, especially when you do it more than once in a row.

It generates no curiosity, no seperation anxiety. And if your ex can’t feel those, they won’t ever be interested in rekindling things.

Reaching out also implies you see them on a pedestal and have low self-respect or none to begin with. Otherwise, why would you reach out to someone who pushed you away in the first place?

To add insult to injury, contacting an ex usually makes them think as though you have nothing better going on in your life. And that’s… well, that’s just sad. No one wants to be with a low-life (except other low-lives).

5. Contacting An Ex Is Selfish And Disrespectful

When an ex dumps you, they’re implying your relationship wasn’t working and that they want space away from you.

And when you reach out and try to get them back despite the fact that they want space, you’re not only disrespecting their decision to leave; you’re also sub-communicating, “Fuck what you want, I want you back at my pace.”

It’s hard to notice this stuff going on, but by reaching out prematurely, you’re making everything about yourself and are entirely invalidating your ex’s internal world.

And well… that’s as attractive as smiling right after munching on a hot and sweaty cow turd.

6. Contacting An Ex Can Lead To Miscommunication

When emotions run high, and communication channels are strained, the likelihood of miscommunication increases significantly. Especially through text, where jokes, wit, or sarcasm just don’t land well.

And when miscommunication hits, unnecessary conflicts likely ensue, further complicating an already delicate situation. You don’t want this, believe me.

So don’t risk reaching out to your ex. Minimize the risk of miscommunication and maintain a respectful distance.

7. Contacting An Ex Too Much Was Likely The Problem All Along

About 80% of the people who read this blog broke up with their ex due to excessive chasing. And guess what contacting an ex who dumped you is? Yep, it’s chasing.

So here’s some food for thought: why would your ex want to return if you keep displaying the same annoying behaviors that pushed them away in the first place? They want less of you, so they try to keep you away. You want more of them, so you try to get closer. Do you see the problem here?

Until you give your ex sufficient space where they can start to want you back as well, you’re not mending any relationship. You’re only making a fool out of yourself and setting yourself up for rejection.

8. Contacting An Ex Usually Just Upsets Them

Let’s do a little experiment: Don’t think of a pink elephant wearing a sombrero and riding a unicycle.

…

You’ve thought about him, didn’t you? Of course, you did. It’s a natural human tendency to visualize whatever we’re thinking about. What about the emotions tied to the elephant; what were they? Probably positive.

Now here’s the kicker: your ex goes through this exact process when you contact them. They visualize you and form a response based on that image.

But since your breakup brought about plenty of hurt, instead of eliciting a positive response, your reach-out typically elicits a negative one. As you’d expect, this only makes your ex put up their barriers, protecting them from getting close to you emotionally.

Free Cheat Sheet: A Roadmap To Re-Attracting An Ex Through Honesty

This cheat sheet lays out a simple yet potent approach to mending a relationship — one rooted in raw authenticity that respects both your dignity and that of your ex.

Get The Free Cheat Sheet

Timeline: When People Usually Make The Mistake Of Reaching Out

Let me break down when most people fuck up and reach out too early — and what’s actually happening at each stage that makes them think it’s a good idea.

Days 1-7: The Panic Phase

This is when you’re in full-blown panic mode. You can’t believe they’re actually gone. You think if you just explain yourself one more time, send one more heartfelt message, they’ll see reason and come back.

Spoiler: They won’t. They’re still riding the relief wave of the breakup. Your messages during this time don’t remind them what they’re missing — they remind them why they left. Every text you send confirms their decision to dump you.

Week 2-3: The Bargaining Phase

You’ve calmed down slightly, but now you’re in bargaining mode. “What if I just check in casually? What if I send them that meme they’d like? What if I ask about that thing they were stressed about?”

This is still too fucking early. They haven’t had time to miss you yet. You’re not being casual — you’re being transparent. They know exactly what you’re doing, and it reeks of desperation.

Month 1-2: The False Hope Phase

You’ve made it a month or so. You feel better. You think “maybe now is the right time — I’ve given them space, they must be missing me by now.”

Maybe they are starting to miss you. But the second you reach out before they do, you eliminate that missing. You prove you’re still waiting around, still available, still desperate. All the space you created? You just collapsed it.

Month 3+: The “Fuck It” Phase

At this point, you’re either genuinely moving on or you hit the “fuck it, what do I have to lose?” moment. If it’s the former and your paths cross naturally, great. If it’s the latter — if you’re reaching out from a place of “one last try” — you’re still operating from desperation, just better disguised.

Here’s the reality: there’s no magic timeline. The right time to contact your ex who dumped you is when they contact you first. That’s it. Everything else is you trying to force something that isn’t ready to happen.

9. The Psychology Behind Why You Want To Reach Out (And Why You Shouldn’t)

Let’s get real about what’s actually driving this urge to contact your ex. Because it’s not about them — it’s about you and your unmet emotional needs.

You’re Seeking Validation

When your ex dumps you, it feels like a judgment on your worth as a person. So you want to reach out to prove you’re still valuable, still lovable, still worth their time. You want them to validate that the breakup wasn’t about your fundamental inadequacy as a human being.

But here’s the problem: seeking validation from someone who rejected you is like asking a blind person to describe a sunset. They’re the worst possible source for what you need right now.

You’re Trying To Regain Control

Getting dumped strips away your sense of control. You didn’t choose this. Someone else made a unilateral decision about your life, and you’re powerless to change it.

So you reach out because it feels like doing something. It feels like taking back control. But you’re not taking back control — you’re just flailing. Real control comes from accepting what you can’t change and focusing on what you can: your own healing and growth.

You’re Avoiding The Pain

Sitting with the reality of your breakup is excruciating. It’s easier to stay in limbo, to keep the door cracked open, to maintain some connection with your ex. At least then you don’t have to face the full weight of the loss.

But avoidance doesn’t make the pain go away. It just postpones it. And every time you reach out, you reset the healing clock back to zero. You’re choosing short-term relief over long-term recovery.

You’re Addicted To Hope

Hope is a drug. And when you’re heartbroken, you’ll chase any hit of it you can get. Reaching out gives you that hit — “maybe this time they’ll respond differently, maybe this message will change their mind.”

But hope without evidence is just fantasy. And you’re not actually hopeful — you’re desperate. There’s a difference. Hope says “I’m open to reconnection if it happens naturally.” Desperation says “I need them to want me back or I’ll fall apart.”

You’re Confusing Withdrawal With Love

When you desperately want to contact your ex, you tell yourself it’s because you love them so much. But often, what you’re experiencing is withdrawal, not love.

You were emotionally dependent on them for validation, companionship, identity. Now that source is gone, and your brain is panicking. It wants its fix. That’s not love — that’s addiction.

Real love can sit with space. Real love respects boundaries. Real love doesn’t need constant contact to survive. What you’re feeling? That’s just your nervous system freaking out because its primary attachment figure disappeared.

The Bottom Line

Understanding why you want to reach out doesn’t make the urge go away. But it does give you perspective. You’re not reaching out because it’s a good idea or because it will help. You’re reaching out because you’re in pain and grasping for relief.

And I get it. I’ve been there. But reaching out won’t give you what you’re looking for. It will only make things worse. The validation, control, and relief you’re seeking? You have to find those within yourself. There’s no shortcut.

Why Experts Tell You To Contact An Ex Who Dumped You

Featured Product

Featured Product

The Radical Re-Attraction Course

An online course that teaches you how to permanently get back with your ex through honesty, vulnerability, and proper self-improvement.

Get Instant Access

In short, it’s because it’s what people want to hear, and it’s what sells more ex-back products.

Let me unpack this idea.

Ex-back advice is dealing with people whose unbridled emotions run the show. And these people don’t want to hear what they need to hear.

You probably won’t get back with their ex. Reheating leftovers seldom works out in the long term. You don’t have ex-back problems to resolve — you have emotional and self-esteem problems to resolve.

These things, although valid, are uncomfortable as fuck to hear. They also don’t sell. So experts tell you the opposite: what feels good and what sells better.

Reach out to your ex in 30 days. Fight for your relationship. Strike while the iron is hot! Here, use this happy reminder text template — quick!

Still, recognize that not all expert advice is purely cash-money motivated. Different experts may give varying perspectives based on their experiences and research. Some, for example, believe that in certain situations, reaching out can be beneficial, like if there has been significant time for both parties to reflect and grow.

That said, approach such advice with a critical mind. Consider if it truly applies to your situation and why a certain expert would give such advice in the first place.

Think about their intentions: is it really because they understand your situation, or do they just see dollar signs and try to pander to the lowest common denominator through their messaging?

What To Do Instead Of Contacting An Ex Who Dumped You

In my uncomfortable and humble opinion, walk away and never look back. Work on yourself, and live your life as though your ex will never re-enter it. The only time you should give them another chance is when your paths cross organically.

For instance, when your ex reaches out first. When you’re already in regular contact. Or when you randomly bump into each other, spark a conversation, and can sense interest.

In each of these cases, the main thing on your mind should be to set up a date as early on in your interactions as possible. And then you can escalate from there.

If you’re one of the lucky people who came to this point, read this article next. It teaches you exactly how to set up a date with your ex and what to do if they’re undecided about going out with you or if they flat-out reject you.

Bottom line: if your ex reached out, their reach-out isn’t tied to logistics or shared responsibilities, you can sense you have a chance, and you shoot your shot by inviting them out, be prepared for an uphill battle. This is a battle you can certainly win, but there will be blood, sweat, and tears involved.

Alas, such as the gripes of rekindling a failed relationship. It’s part of the process. Expect turbulence. Prepare yourself mentally for it. Getting an ex back ain’t easy or quick. But that’s what you signed up for.

Good luck.

11. What If They Reach Out First? How To Handle It Without Fucking It Up

Alright, so you’ve been good. You haven’t contacted them. You’ve been working on yourself, moving forward with your life. And then one day, out of fucking nowhere, your phone buzzes and it’s them.

This is where most people completely shit the bed. They’ve been so starved for contact that they immediately respond with way too much enthusiasm, revealing they’ve been sitting around waiting. Don’t be that person.

First: Assess What Kind Of Reach-Out This Is

Logistics/Practical: “Hey, I still have your hoodie, when can I drop it off?” or “Can you send me the login for our shared Netflix?” This isn’t about reconnecting. Handle it briefly and professionally. Don’t try to turn it into more than it is.

Breadcrumbing: “Hey” at 11 PM. A meme with no context. Liking your story but not actually saying anything. This is them keeping you on the hook with minimal effort. Don’t reward this behavior with a response.

Genuine Interest: A real message with substance. They’re asking how you are, mentioning something specific, maybe suggesting you catch up. This is the only type worth responding to.

Second: Don’t Respond Immediately

I don’t care how excited you are. Wait at least a few hours, preferably until the next day if it’s late. You’ve been living your life without them — prove it by not being glued to your phone waiting for their message.

This isn’t game-playing. It’s self-respect. Someone who dumped you doesn’t get immediate access to your time and attention anymore. They gave that up when they walked away.

Third: Match Their Energy

If they send a paragraph, send a paragraph back. If they send two sentences, send two sentences back. Don’t give more than they’re giving. Don’t carry the entire conversation on your back.

And for fuck’s sake, don’t use this as an opportunity to dump all your feelings on them. “I’m so glad you reached out, I’ve missed you so much, can we talk about us?” — No. Just no. Keep it light, friendly, but not desperate.

Fourth: Look For These Green Lights

Before you get excited about their reach-out, check if these signs are present:

• They’re asking questions about your life, not just talking about themselves
• They’re bringing up positive memories without being weird about it
• They’re initiating follow-up conversations, not just responding when you message
• The conversation flows naturally, not forced or awkward
• They seem genuinely interested in reconnecting, not just bored or lonely

If these aren’t present, they’re probably just fishing for validation or keeping you as a backup option. Don’t bite.

Fifth: Set Up A Date Early (If Appropriate)

If you’ve exchanged a few messages and the vibe is good, don’t let it drag on forever through text. Suggest meeting up: “It’s been good catching up. Want to grab coffee this week?”

Keep it casual, low-pressure, public place. Don’t suggest dinner at a romantic restaurant or inviting them over to your place. Just a simple, no-pressure meetup to see if there’s still something there.

If they make excuses or say no, don’t push. Just say “No worries, let me know if you change your mind” and leave it at that. The ball’s in their court.

Sixth: Don’t Fall Back Into Old Patterns

Just because they reached out doesn’t mean everything’s magically fixed. The issues that caused the breakup are still there unless one or both of you has genuinely changed.

Don’t immediately become available 24/7. Don’t drop all your plans to accommodate them. Don’t pretend the breakup never happened. Approach this like you’re getting to know someone new, because in a way, you are.

Seventh: Be Prepared For It To Go Nowhere

Sometimes exes reach out, have a nice conversation, and then… nothing. They got their closure or their ego boost and now they’re gone again. This happens more often than you’d think.

Don’t let this destroy you. You were moving on before they reached out. If they disappear again, you just keep doing what you were doing. Their inconsistency is information — it tells you they’re not ready or not genuinely interested.

The Harsh Truth About Ex Reach-Outs

Most of the time when an ex reaches out, it’s not because they’ve realized you’re the love of their life and they made a terrible mistake. It’s because:

• They’re lonely
• Their rebound didn’t work out
• They want to assuage their guilt about how things ended
• They miss the attention you gave them
• They’re curious about what you’re up to
• They want to keep you as a backup option

Only a small percentage of ex reach-outs lead to meaningful reconciliation. So manage your expectations. Be friendly, be open, but don’t interpret their message as more than what it actually is.

When To Walk Away From Their Reach-Out

You should ignore or politely decline their reach-out if:

• They’re in a relationship with someone else (don’t be the side piece)
• The breakup involved abuse, cheating, or other dealbreakers
• You’ve moved on and genuinely don’t want them back anymore
• They’re clearly just breadcrumbing you with low-effort messages
• You’re not in a good mental place and contact would derail your healing

Just because they reached out doesn’t mean you owe them anything. You have every right to protect your peace and say “Thanks for reaching out, but I’m not interested in reconnecting right now.”

The Exceptions: When You Actually Should Contact Your Ex

Look, I’ve spent this entire article telling you not to contact your ex who dumped you. And 95% of the time, that’s the right advice. But there are rare exceptions where reaching out might actually be justified.

Before you get excited and decide you’re the exception — you’re probably not. Read through these carefully and be brutally honest about whether you actually meet the criteria.

Exception #1: You Need To Apologize For Something Genuinely Fucked Up

Not “I’m sorry for whatever I did wrong.” I’m talking about a genuine, specific fuckup that you need to take accountability for.

You cheated. You said something unforgivably cruel in anger. You violated their trust in a major way. You behaved abusively. Something where you genuinely owe them an apology for your behavior, not just for the relationship ending.

How to do it right: Send one message. Acknowledge what you did, take full responsibility without making excuses, apologize sincerely, and explicitly say you’re not asking for anything in return — not forgiveness, not reconciliation, nothing. Then don’t contact them again unless they respond.

Example: “Hey [name], I wanted to reach out to apologize for [specific action]. What I did was wrong and inexcusable. I’m not reaching out expecting forgiveness or a response — I just needed you to know that I recognize how badly I hurt you and I’m genuinely sorry. I wish you all the best.”

Exception #2: Significant Time Has Passed (We’re Talking Years)

If it’s been multiple years since your breakup, you’ve both presumably moved on and grown, and you genuinely just want to reconnect as friends with no ulterior motive — maybe.

But be honest: are you really over them? Or are you hoping friendship will lead back to romance? If it’s the latter, don’t reach out. You’re not ready.

How to do it right: Keep it light and friendly. “Hey, I was thinking about you and hoping you’re doing well. Would love to catch up sometime if you’re open to it — no pressure either way.” Then actually mean the “no pressure” part.

Exception #3: You Share Major Life Responsibilities

You have kids together. You own property together. You run a business together. In these cases, you have to maintain some level of contact, but it should be strictly about the shared responsibility.

How to do it right: Keep all communication focused on the practical matter at hand. Be respectful and business-like. Don’t use logistical discussions as an excuse to bring up the relationship or your feelings.

Wrong: “Hey, can you pick up the kids this weekend? Also, I’ve been thinking about us a lot lately…”

Right: “Can you take the kids Saturday afternoon? I have a work thing I can’t move.”

Exception #4: You Have Critical Information They Need To Know

Something that genuinely affects them. Not “I saw your favorite band is touring” — I’m talking about serious shit.

Their family member reached out to you with important news. There’s a health matter they should be aware of. Something related to your shared past that has legal or financial implications. Information that would be irresponsible not to share.

How to do it right: Share the information clearly and concisely. Don’t use it as an excuse to start a larger conversation. “Hey, I wanted to let you know [information]. Hope you’re doing well.” That’s it.

Exception #5: They Explicitly Asked You To Reach Out

Before you broke contact, they said something like “Give me a month and then let’s talk” or “Reach out in a few weeks and we’ll see where we’re at.”

If they gave you explicit permission and a specific timeline, you can follow through on that. But if they were vague (“maybe we can talk sometime”) or if that timeline has stretched way past what they suggested, don’t use it as justification.

How to do it right: Reference what they said. “Hey, you mentioned reaching out after a month to talk. I wanted to respect that and see if you’re still open to it. No pressure if you’ve changed your mind.”

Why These Exceptions Are Still Risky

Even if you meet one of these exceptions, reaching out still carries risk. You might:

• Reopen wounds that were starting to heal
• Get rejected or ignored, sending you back into heartbreak mode
• Discover they’ve moved on completely, which could devastate you
• Realize you weren’t as over them as you thought

So before you reach out, even with a valid exception, ask yourself: Am I doing this because it’s genuinely necessary, or because I’m looking for an excuse to contact them?

If it’s the latter, you’re not an exception. You’re just desperate and rationalizing.

Free Cheat Sheet: A Roadmap To Re-Attracting An Ex Through Honesty

This cheat sheet lays out a simple yet potent approach to mending a relationship — one rooted in raw authenticity that respects both your dignity and that of your ex.

Get The Free Cheat Sheet

Related Products

Books | Courses | Coaching

From The Inside Out

Re-Attraction Course

Private Coaching