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I hate to say this, but the odds of your ex returning suck. If you’ve read my work before, you’re well aware of this. I’m pretty vocal about it. With that in mind, it’s critical not to make any unnecessary ex-back mistakes that would further diminish these already sucky odds.
Below are 15 I keep seeing people make over and over again. Try to avoid them. And if you do make one for whatever reason, try not to repeat it.
1. Begging And Pleading
Regardless of why you do it or through what means, begging your ex to return or pleading for another shot is like throwing a hand grenade on their attraction. Well… what’s left of it, that is.
Look. You can’t force your ex to love you. You can’t force them to go out with you. You can’t force them to pay attention to you. No amount of begging and pleading will change their mind about these things. So let it go.
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Chasing and pursuing is when you keep bugging your ex after they already communicated or implied that they don’t want to have anything to do with you.
Maybe you keep texting or calling your ex every 30 days or so (see: the no contact rule). Maybe you’re nagging their friends and fishing for useful intel on them. Or perhaps you keep showing up at their doorstep unannounced.
These are all expressions of chasing and pursuing. And the more aggressive you are with them, the higher the likelihood your ex will eventually ghost, block, ignore, or reject you.
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Basically, don’t be the person who, say, asks their ex how they’re doing when they don’t care at all but are just curious if they still foster feelings for them.
In other words, don’t come up with bullshit excuses like, “I need to ask my ex how their dog is doing,” when all you really care about is how they feel towards you and whether or not you still have a chance.
Be warned: your ex will instantly see through your bullshit behavior and pierce right into your true intentions. And they will lose attraction as a result. No one likes to be duped, after all.
4. Making Grand Gestures
Hauling your ex on a sexy dinner date on a bigass yacht with fireworks blasting the sky, a band of singling sailors on your left, and Gordon fucking Ramsay prepping the meals on the right won’t get your old relationship back.
Grand gestures like these only work in movies. In real life, you’ll probably just be labeled a try-hard and a creep for trying to execute them. And sooner or later, get rejected as a result.
Please save your grand gestures for an actual partner, not an ex. Save them for someone who actually deserves them and has a lengthy track record of making you feel loved and appreciated.
5. Giving Gifts
Giving gifts to an ex — from flowers and chocolates to plain tickets for Dubai — usually comes off as needy and desperate.
This is because 9 times out of 10, it’s just inappropriate. You don’t give gifts to exes. You give them to people who actually want you in their lives. It’s a simple social norm you shouldn’t break.
The other reason giving gifts to an ex sucks is because an average person doesn’t give them unconditionally. They give them conditionally — that is, by expecting sex and affection in return.
Spoiler: your ex can sense these crooked intentions and the expectations wrapped around them. And when they do, they’ll be repulsed by it, and you’ll lose them, probably forever.
6. Handing Out Ultimatums
Ultimatums are demands for a behavioral change accompanied by a threat. The goal behind them is to pressure the other person into doing something they don’t want to do.
An example of an ultimatum would be when you tell your ex, “Either we get back together this week, or I’m never talking to you again!” Or when you tell them, “If you don’t message me back, I’m busting through your door and kicking your teeth in.”
Ultimatums truly suck. Conveying them to your ex is not only selfish and mean but also a surefire strategy to lose them forever. So don’t make them. It’s that simple.
7. Cyber Stalking
This one is pretty self-explanatory. Don’t stalk your ex. And don’t bullshit yourself how you’re just going to take a peek at what’s new in their life. Or how you don’t really care about them but are just curious how the concert they went to last week was.
Bullshit.
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8. Being Friends
Generally, it’s best to never stay friends with an ex post-breakup.
The only time you could be friends is when there’s absolutely no residue of emotional baggage or the desire for getting back together present on both sides. In other words, when you’re both over each other.
And no, you can’t use friendship as a backdoor to a new, rekindled relationship. Sorry. That’s a losing game that always ends in a cocktail of confusion, alienation, and rejection.
9. Forcing Closure
Don’t nag your ex to explain why things didn’t work out. It’s a futile investigation. Regardless of their answers, you’ll never be satisfied afterward. Because that’s just not how closure works.
You don’t get closure when your ex cuts themselves open and gushes you with all the answers you’re dying to know. You get closure when you make peace with your breakup and stop clawing for answers.
Closure, therefore, is not something found within your ex. It’s something found within you. More specifically, your attitude towards them and the breakup at large.
10. Becoming A Placater
Your ex’s emotions are not your responsibility, they never were. Thus, you shouldn’t help them cope. You shouldn’t try to make them feel better. You shouldn’t be comforting them.
Not only should you not do these things because they violate your ex’s personal boundaries; you shouldn’t do them because you’d likely just make them feel worse. And, in turn, make yourself suffer longer as well.
11. Being Mean
This one is pretty straightforward. Don’t badmouth your ex, spread false and offensive rumors, publicly compare them to your other exes, or try to get your revenge.
You don’t need me to tell you that you’re an A-grade asshole for trying any of the above. Instead, forgive your ex, accept they’re gone, and focus on yourself.
12. Fucking Up Prioritization
Prioritize your perception of yourself. Not the perception your ex has of you. Care more about what you yourself feel, think, and value. Not what your ex feels, thinks, and values.
In other words, put yourself first. Not to power-play your ex. Not because you want to look cool or high-status or whatever. Not so you can feel like you’re better than them (you’re not — and the whole thing is irrelevant anyway).
You want to put yourself first simply because it’s the right thing to do. And because it’s something a person who loves and respects themselves would do. You should want to be such a person.
13. Thinking Re-Attraction Is Quick
If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know that getting an ex back is a long and grueling process. A process you’ll probably fail at. Whoever tells you otherwise is selling you bullshit.
Therefore, it’s best for your mental health if you drop all expectations of your ex returning. Assume that they’re gone forever until proven otherwise.
14. Using Gimmicks, Tricks, And Games
Playing hard to get. Acting indifferent. Making your ex jealous. Waiting 3.14 hours before calling them back. Never texting twice. Using canned lines, scripts, responses, and comebacks. Posting how great you’re doing on social media when you’re not. Avoiding touchy topics when dating. Letting getting back together be your ex’s idea. Thinking of your relationship in terms of a power-play.
As enticing as they sound, don’t do these things. Grow the fuck up instead.
15. Avoiding Self-Improvement
If you ever want to get into a healthy relationship with anyone, you’ve got to cultivate a healthy relationship with yourself first. Loving others starts with the self, always.
I know this is a broad subject, so here are some key domains to investigate and perhaps work on if you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed.
Figure out why your previous relationship failed. Overcome your shame, anxiety, and intimacy problems. Rebuild your self-esteem. Become more self-aware, empathetic, emotionally intelligent, and resilient. Get your health in order. Learn how to set solid personal boundaries. Discover who you’re compatible with. Uncover who you really are — what you value, what you stand for.
Tackling any of these things is often a pain in the ass, but it’s this type of self-improvement that actually counts in re-attraction. Don’t neglect it. It’s the deep work that matters most.
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From The Inside Out
