The law of attraction — you know, that whole “if you visualize it hard enough, manifest it, and put it out into the universe, your ex will come running back” bullshit.
I see this crap everywhere these days. People sitting in their rooms, making vision boards with their ex’s pictures, writing affirmations like “my ex misses me” sixty-nine times a day, and meditating on “raising their vibrations” to match their ex’s frequency or whatever the fuck that means.
Here’s the reality check: your ex didn’t leave you because your “vibrations” weren’t aligned. They left because something wasn’t working. And no amount of manifesting is going to change that.
Now, before you close this article thinking I’m just another skeptic, let me surprise you: I actually do believe in the law of attraction. Just not in the woo-woo, supernatural, crystal-healing way that’s being sold to you by desperate self-help gurus trying to make a quick buck.
The Real Psychology Behind The Law Of Attraction
The law of attraction has been around in self-help for over 100 years, and there’s actually some legitimate psychology behind it. But it’s not what you think.
Let me break down what’s really happening when people think they’re “manifesting” their ex back.
1. Confirmation Bias
When you believe something strongly enough, your brain starts filtering reality to only show you evidence that supports your belief. So when you’re obsessing over getting your ex back, suddenly every little thing becomes a “sign.” (1)
They viewed your Instagram story? MUST BE A SIGN! They didn’t block you? DEFINITELY A SIGN! Their friend’s cousin’s dog walker smiled at you? OH MY GOD, THE UNIVERSE IS SPEAKING!
No, Karen. It’s not the universe. It’s your desperate brain cherry-picking information.
2. Opportunity Blindness
Meaning: we can only see possibilities that we’re actively focusing on. (2)
That said, life is infinitely more complex than our tiny brains can comprehend. There are literally millions of possibilities and potential partners out there that you’re completely blind to because you’re so fixated on your ex.
Let me give you a personal example. When I quit my day job to start an internet business, I thought it was all or nothing with that specific business idea. But not only has my business completely evolved into something I never could have imagined, I’ve encountered dozens of amazing opportunities that had nothing to do with my original plan.
The same applies to relationships. While you’re sitting there trying to manifest your ex back, you’re probably missing out on countless opportunities to meet someone who’s actually compatible with you and, you know… who actually wants to be with you.
3. The Hindsight Effect
As Steve Jobs said, you can only connect the dots looking backwards.
When people do get back with their ex (which is rare, by the way – only about 32% of exes get back together), they often attribute it to their manifestation practices. “See! The law of attraction works!”
But what actually happened?
They probably just worked on themselves, became more attractive as a person, and their ex noticed. Or enough time passed that both people changed and decided to try again. Or it was just plain old timing and circumstance. (3)
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Learn More HereWhy The Law of Attraction Is Keeping You Stuck
Here’s the really fucked up part about using the law of attraction to get your ex back: it keeps you stuck in fantasy land.
Instead of doing the actual work required to either move on or become someone worth coming back to, you’re sitting there “raising your vibrations” and writing affirmations.
This mindset is particularly dangerous because:
- It gives you a false sense of control over an uncontrollable situation.
- It prevents you from processing your grief and emotions properly.
- It keeps you anchored to an idealized version of your relationship that probably never existed.
- It stops you from seeing and accepting reality as it is.
- It wastes precious time you could spend actually improving yourself.
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Get Instant AccessWhat Actually Works Instead
Here’s what you should focus on instead of the law of attraction:
1. Working on Your Emotional Stability
This means learning to manage your emotions without letting them control you (at least too much). It’s about developing healthy coping mechanisms, perhaps through therapy, meditation, or journaling — whatever helps you process your feelings constructively rather than suppressing them.
2. Building Genuine Confidence
Not the fake kind where you pretend to be confident, but real self-assurance that comes from knowing your worth and consistently investing in yourself. This means developing your skills, pursuing your interests, and creating a life you’re genuinely proud of.
3. Developing Strong Boundaries
Learn to say no, stand up for yourself, and stop compromising your values just to please others. Strong boundaries aren’t just about protecting yourself — they’re about respecting yourself enough to know what you will and won’t accept in relationships.
4. Creating a Life That Doesn’t Revolve Around Your Ex
Build a fulfilling life independent of any relationship. Invest in your friendships, career, hobbies, and personal growth. The irony is, the more you focus on creating a great life for yourself, the more attractive you become to others — including potentially your ex.
5. Accepting What You Can’t Control
This is perhaps the most important step. You can’t control your ex’s feelings, decisions, or actions. The only thing you can control is yourself — your reactions, your choices, and your growth. Once you truly accept this, you’ll stop wasting energy on magical thinking and start focusing on what actually matters.
Bottom Line
There’s no shortcut or magical solution to getting back with an ex. The only path forward is through doing the actual work of becoming a better, more emotionally stable person — whether your ex comes back or not.
Sure, this isn’t as sexy as writing affirmations or making vision boards, but it’s what actually works. And unlike manifestation, these changes will improve your life regardless of what happens with your ex.
Need More Ex-Back Help?
- The Re-Attraction Cheat Sheet: free guide revealing my entire approach for getting an ex back — from start to finish.
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- The Radical Re-Attraction Course: shows you how to master re-attraction. Includes hours of video and written content + downloads and exercises + a community and coaching.
From The Inside Out
