If you searched anything like “how to get my ex back,” you’ve probably come across a couple of these gurus, be that through a blog post, a youtube video, or a podcast.
They are the people who pretend to be some big authority when they’re not. They’re the people who tell you they know all the secrets to re-attraction when there are no secrets. They’re the people who charge 49$ for a 70-page ebook, worth no more than 5$. They are people like Brad Browning, Clay Andrews, Chris Canwell, Chris Seiter, Dan Bacon, Alexandre Cormont (WMXA), Matthew Hussey, and Michael Fiore, to name a few…
What bugs me is that these “how to get your ex back” gurus are getting out of control. They keep dishing out false promises, false hope, false everything. They keep preying on the vulnerabilities of brokenhearted people for profit. They keep charging way too much for their products and services — and are still increasing their exorbitant prices as I write this. And they keep giving the rest of us — legit breakup advice content creators — a bad rep.
At this point, someone really needs to call these people out on their bullshit. And it just so looks like that that’s going to be me.
The BS behind The Gurus #1: The Marketing
There’s a lot of issues with the marketing conventional “get your ex back” gurus use. Below are just some of the most glaring issues that piss me off the most.
1. Content is just an ad in disguise
In the fake guru world, all blog articles and videos are there to serve as conversion engines — if they don’t convert someone from being a reader/viewer into a customer, they don’t get made.
And while there’s nothing wrong with conversion-focused articles — I have a lot of them too — it is wrong when they’re exclusively conversion-driven instead of value-driven.
In other words, a lot of gurus prefer to produce a short, unoriginal, vague, and lifeless piece of content, most of which are nothing but sales pitches in disguise, as opposed to a valuable, original, and helpful piece of content.
2. Unrealistic product claims
You have to raise an eyebrow when looking at some of the claims “get your ex back” gurus stick on their product pages:
I’ll teach you how to tap into your ex’s primal instincts, fire up her sex drive, and mold the image of you that she has in the back of her mind. Her panties will be dripping wet before you can say, “snufalufagus. (1)
My program contains a copy-paste scientifically-proven method that will bypass your ex-girlfriends/boyfriends logical brain center and send their emotions into overdrive so they will begin to crave you instantly! And yes, you can perform this secret method from the comfort of the keyboard of your phone, and even if you think there’s no hope for reconciliation and EVEN if your ex told you they don’t want to get back together! (2)
There is a way to win back your ex, and it works 99 out of every 100 times. Follow the advice in this audiobook, and I guarantee you’ll have him back in your life and back in your heart within a month. (3)
These “2 texts” make your ex obsessed with getting back together overnight. “Even if he isn’t responding to your call and messages. (4)
I’m sure as shit that sales copy like this sells bucketloads, but is it ethical? Not really. The people who write it should be ashamed of themselves, and the people who bought into it should be as well.
3. spam emails galore
When you sign up for a gurus newsletter, you don’t get valuable insights – god, no! You get spam. Lot’s and lot’s of spam, like this:
Put differently, instead of sending you useful content, or even sales pitches promoting products worth purchasing, gurus barrage you with sales pitch after sales pitch, trying to push their shit-quality affiliate products down your throat.
4. Sales Copy That Insults your intelligence
One of the main ways a “get your ex back” guru hooks you into taking an interest in their service/product is by presenting you a story that:
- Paints a bleak picture of your current situation.
- Paints a cheerful picture of your desired one.
- Strategically plots their product in the middle, acting as a vehicle that gets you from your current situation to your desired one.
This strategy, by itself, is perfectly reasonable.
It gets unreasonable only when the current situation is exaggerated and presented as far more hopeless than it really is and the desired situation far more exciting and easy to achieve than it really is.
Here’s an example to illustrate what I mean.
“If you want your ex-boyfriend to reach out to you and ask you to take him back, oftentimes even to the point of begging and pleading, then get my XYZ right away before it’s too late… Because with every tick of the clock, it’s more and more likely you will lose him forever…
… more likely he will replace you with another woman…
… more likely he will lose even more attraction for you…
…. more likely he will see you as a blurry and distant memory…
But it really doesn’t have to be that way! If you utilize the techniques I’m going to show you, he’ll be able to remember how amazing things were with you. He’ll remember how it was when you two kissed. How it felt to hold your hand. And he’ll remember when and why he only wanted to be with you.” (6)
5. The bullshit backstory
A bullshit backstory is a well-articulated, but fabricated rags to riches story a fake guru tells you to gain your trust and build a rapport.
It goes like this:
“Listen, I know exactly what you’re going through. I’ve been through my share of bad breakups… I also felt shocked, sorrowful, betrayed, and anxious. But then I found this [insert fake miracle cure here], and I got my ex back. In fact, not only did I get them back, but we made it work and are now, as I write this, still together, happier than ever, with a new house, a dog, and two and a half kids.”
This story has to communicate how the person explaining it was at some point in their ideal client’s shoes — they also had a breakup and desperately wanted their ex back. And then they have to communicate how they got them back with the help of whatever they’re selling.
As a side note, it’s not always the case that a guru will insert themselves in their rags-to-riches story. Sometimes they simply make up a character who was in your shoes and then found the fake miracle cure that got his or her ex back.
6. Bonus stacks
Bonus stacks in another sleazy marketing tricks a lot of “get your ex back” gurus love to use. It essentially refers to additional sub-products presented as bonuses when buying a primary product.
Here’s what I mean:
As enticing as these bonuses look, what a lot of people don’t tell you about them is that they’re most of the time cheaply put together or stolen PDF files with zero groundbreaking information. And the prices next to them are unfortunately pulled out of a fake guru’s egotistical ass.
7. Fake scarcity
What is scarce is always perceived as more worthy than what is abundant. It’s a general law in human psychology. And “get your ex back” gurus love to abuse it. Hence, they plaster their sales pages with phrases like
- This video may be taken down soon – do NOT miss the end.
- The offer is limited.
- Spots are limited
- Buy now! This is a flash sale and will end shortly.
There’s nothing wrong with using scarcity if you’re honest about it – if something is genuinely time or quantity limited. But as soon as you’re dishonest about it, you’re an A-grade asshole. At least in my book.
Let’s do something fun. Below are two pictures from the famous Matthew Hussey’s offer. One is recent; the other is about three years old. Can you spot the fake scarcity?
Hint: Focus on the phase “This video may be taken down soon” just above the actual video.
For those interested in how I got the old website data, check out TheWayBackMachine. It’s a website that stores most previous versions of most other websites and makes them accessible to the general public.
8. Hidden reviews
Never fully trust the online product reviews, whether it’s about getting your ex, making money online, cleaning your swimming pool back, or crocheting, and this includes my own online product reviews. Sadly, most reviews on the web are likely bought or forged.
For example, take a look at this website: MyLoveBack.org. A simple reverse image search will let you know that all of the pictures of the people who supposedly uploaded a testimonial are stock photos anyone can buy.
If you’re looking for genuine reviews and facts, whether a certain digital product is legit or not, always look up the actual stats and feedback of the business on the Better Business Bureau and have a gander at the discussions going on in relevant niche forums and subreddits.
9. Bough credibility
You’ve probably seen the label “As seen on: [insert fancy publication] ” on my homepage. Well, while mine is obviously legit (just type my and the publications name in Google to see), I can’t say the same for everyone — especially not the “get your ex back” gurus, which are notorious for faking their appearances.
You see, their labels are most of the time fake or bought. In fact, there’s a whole industry built on selling counterfeit credentials — all from testimonials, comments, subscribers, “as seen on” and “best-selling author” labels.
For instance, google Clint Arthur. He’s one of the biggest scammers in this field. He sales fake Harvard speeches. Click here to see my favorite youtuber giving a breakdown of how his scam works.
Basically, you pay Clint a few grand, and you can record yourself giving a fake speech, to a fake audience, on a fake Harvard stage, next to sellout-celebrities who were paid to be there with your money for boosting your clout.
The BS behind The Gurus #2: The Things They Teach
Like with guru marketing, there’s also a lot of issues with guru education. Below are some of the sleaziest, most toxic, unethical, and counterintuitively ineffective pieces of advice on how to get your ex back that they teach.
Pre-prepared text messages
The “how to get an ex back” gurus supply you with numerous pre-prepared messages you can send to your ex to make them, supposedly, love you again. Let’s look at three of the most popular ones:
1. The Happy Memory/Best Of Text
The purpose of the “happy memory/best of” texts is twofold. On the one hand, you’re reminding your ex of a good memory you had together, while on the other, you’re using it as an excuse to break the silence between the two of you.
It’s when you Text: “Hey, I just saw a really cool movie that reminded me of the time we went out to the cinema for the first time to watch that crappy Adam Sandler movie. Remember how much we laughed back then?”
Or another example; “Remember the time we jumped in that golf cart and rode it down the pavement, just a few steps from your parent’s house? I remember how scared we both were and laughed uncontrollably when we hit bottom and realized we were safe. That look you gave me was priceless.”
2. The Jealousy Text
The purpose of the jealousy text is, as the name implies, to spark jealousy in your ex.
It’s when you text your ex, “Hey, mind reminding me where that lovely restaurant we went on our third date is? I invited a friend to come with me, but I forgot the exact address?”
Or when you text them, “A friend and I just went to the cinema and saw Crazy, Stupid, Love. Great movie. Pretty romantic, even. Try watching it. I think you’ll like it.”
3. The Stressful Situation Text
The stressful situation text is used as a form of support when you know your ex is going through a difficult period in their life.
It’s when you text them something along the lines of, “I know you’re probably feeling stressed right now, with the finals coming and all. But I’m sure you’ll do great! You got this. I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you…”
The Pre-Prepared Letters
If the above text messages made you nauseous, just a look at these two cheesy examples of handwritten letters a few “get your ex back” gurus recommend you send.
1. The Last Resort Letter
The last resort letter is meant to test your ex whether or not they still like you. Depending on how they respond, or if they don’t respond at all, you’ll know where you stand.
In this letter, you’re instructed to write to your ex about how you already moved on from them and found someone new but would still love to “stay in contact” with them just because they mean so much to you. Basically, just lie to your ex to get them back — cool!
Here’s one example from Brad Brownings X-Factor Guide:
“This is a letter you probably would never expect from me since we haven’t spoken in forever… but I’d like to thank you for being in my life. Much has changed since we’ve broken up. I found somebody new, and everything has been fantastic. I know it sounds weird, but being with you has helped me realize everything I’ve been missing…but I completely valued the time we were together.
I just want you to know that I’m completely over us…and although I’m glad it’s over between us, I think it would be a shame if we just never spoke to each other again. You make such a great friend!
If you feel inclined to reach out to me, you know how to contact me.”
2. The Love/Apology Letter
In this letter, you’re instructed to write to your ex a sappy apology, point out all the ways where you’ve acted disrespectfully to them, explain how you learned from those actions, and ask them if they ever want to see you again.
Here’s one example from Alexandre Cormont’s 49-freaking-dollar pamphlet, 70 Pro Tips To Get Her Back:
“Sadly, I understood this all far too late. Worst of all, I thought it was your fault. I know some of my words and actions hurt you, and I’m sorry for that, but I think you know me well enough to know that was never my intention. I acted this way because I was unable to control my emotions and think about the consequences of my actions. At first, I didn’t want to write this letter, mainly because of pride, but also because I respect your decision.
Even more so since I know how difficult of a decision this was to make. But I have been telling myself to let go of pride and act. And this is the first step. You know (Her name), I never choose to be attracted to you, but you attracted me. You are a loving, fearless woman with an enormous amount of courage and worth. This is a fact, a reality that I understand when I think back on when we first met or on any point in our relationship really.”
Reverse psychology and playing hard to get
Reverse psychology is a persuasive technique that involves getting someone to engage in a desired action or response by suggesting the opposite. And, it’s one of the most common techniques in a “get your ex back” guru’s repertoire.
It’s when you tell your ex, “Hey, I think our breakup up was a good idea. I wish you well.” when, in reality, you don’t believe that and are just using the lie to get them to feel bad and potentially spark some interest in them.
As horrible as it sounds, reverse psychology actually works most of the time. It’s just not a fun or fulfilling achievement to get an ex back based on reverse psychology, nor does it lead to a healthy relationship.
Tangentially with reverse psychology, there’s playing hard to get. It’s a mentality where you always say or do something you normally would not say or do only to get your ex to like you more.
A few examples of playing hard to get that spring to mind:
- Ending the conversations with your ex on purpose, so you leave them wanting more of it.
- Acting indifferent when you’re actually a fucking emotional mess.
- Intentionally sending text messages of smaller size than those of your ex to avoid looking needy.
- Trying to keep your conversation unfolding around “safe topics” and never risking being vulnerable.
- Purposefully acting mysterious and answering your ex’s questions with vague and shallow answers.
- Contacting your ex and then ignoring them to raise their attraction.
No Contact As Manipulation
According to the guru definition (not to be mistaken for my definition), no-contact is a technique where you ignore your ex for a set time. Usually somewhere between 30 to 90 days.
There are exceptions to this rule for when you live, have kids, or work together with your ex, but more or less, the goal is always the same: ignore them as much as possible, so they start missing you.
To pull a quote from Chris Seiter’s No Contact Rule Book:
The No Contact Rule: A period of time in which you ignore your Ex, DELIBERATELY, in an attempt to make them miss you more and ultimately allow them time to erase any bad feelings they have towards you; while simultaneously providing yourself an avenue to emotionally recover and grow as an individual.
Now, I won’t comment how stupid you have to be to believe you’ll erase your ex’s bad feelings by ignoring them or how dysfunctional and self-disrespecting this advice is — primarily because I already took a stab at the critique in this article. But I will say that this sadly is the overarching definition of the no contact rule across most “get your ex back” websites.
Why Conventional guru techniques don’t work
I won’t go too deep into why all the shady guru techniques actually lower your chances of permanently getting back with your ex because I’ve already made my point in a handful of previous articles that you can read here, here, here, and here.
However, I will say this: If your ex doesn’t want to see you or doesn’t want to get back together with you, it doesn’t matter what technique you use. You won’t change their mind.
Any advancement you make, be that in a form of a text message, a letter, or a phone call, will be regarded as inappropriate, unattractive, and needy. And this feeling of repulsion will only get only more intense when the things you’re doing are manipulative, inauthentic and incongruent with your core values, or used under dishonest intentions.
But let’s pretend that you actually did get your ex back through the scammy “get your ex back” advice.
What do you think would happen?
You’d just break up again.
That’s because the core reasons your relationship failed in the first place — be that neediness, shitty boundaries, insecurity, lack of self-esteem, incompatibility, lack of trust, etc — will still be there, never uncovered or addressed. All you did is cover up the real issues why your relationship fell apart with slick techniques and you always pay the price for that — the price is another heartbreak.
Or even worse, you actually do end up getting back with your ex and staying together, not because you have a reformed healthy or loving relationship, but because you have a toxic one where one of you or both desperately fear being alone — so much in fact, that you rather choose to settle in a mediocre and dysfunctional relationship that never was nor will be what you want.
The BS behind The Gurus #3: The False Hope
There’s a lot of lies out there about the chances of getting an ex back. Most “get your ex back” gurus tackle this issue by making the whole feat seem easy peasy, turd-in-a-toilet-bowl easy.
Chris Seiter promises a 70% success rate at getting an ex back if you buy and follow his program. Dan Bacon promises an 80% success rate. Brad Browning, 90%. And Chris Canwell, arguably the biggest charlatan of them all, promises 96%. And then there are hundreds of other gurus, hidden in some shady and obscure corner of the Internet, preaching even loftier success rates. (7)(8)(9)(10)
Look, all those percentages right, those happy hippo chances of yours? ..They are complete fabrications. I’m talking absolute hogwash. Utter lies pulled straight from the depths of egotistical, greedy, and morally corrupt assholes. The only reason people tell you that there’s some exceptionally high chance you’ll get your ex back is because it sells better.
Here’s the reality: most exes don’t come back. And even if they do, keeping them after you got back together is even less likely to happen.
Don’t believe me? Here, I’ll prove it to you.
Below I’ll show the real numbers and facts behind three studies on how often exes come back that I see plastered across every “get your ex back” related website, and reveal how the gurus distort and misrepresent them.
Top Misrepresented Studies On How Often Exes Come Back
Our first study comes from The Journal of Adolescent Research. It encompasses 792 test subjects — men and women between the ages of 17 and 24 and reports the following:
“44% of emerging adults who had been in a romantic relationship in the past two years had experienced at least one reconciliation with an ex romantic partner and 53% of those who reported reconciliations also reported having sex with their ex.” (11)
Our second study comes from The Journal of Social Psychology. This one works with a sample of 274 loud and raging fist-in-the-air undergraduate students and reports this:
“In some studies, breaking up and renewing with the same partner were reported by as many as 40% of the samples. A recent study focusing on on-again/off-again relationships found that over 60% of young adult respondents had experienced a relationship that broke up and renewed at least once, with 75% of those reporting at least two renewals with the same partner.” (12)
Our third and last study sprang all the way from The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. It dissects a hulking 1075 couples — 323 of which are cohabiting, that is, living together, and the other 752 married. Here’s what it reports:
“One-third of cohabiters and one-fifth of spouses have experienced a breakup and renewal in their current relationship. However, partners who have experienced cycling (breaking up and getting back together) are at greater risk for further cycling and experiencing greater constraints to permanently ending the relationship, greater uncertainty in their relationship’s future, and lower satisfaction. ” (13)
If you take these three studies into non-careful consideration, you’d assume the chances of getting your ex back are somewhere between 30 to 50 percent. Not bad, right?
Well, there’s only one problem… You’re focusing on the wrong studies.
If you examine them thoroughly, you’ll be able to find pieces of information that essentially make each one of them irrelevant and unrelated to the odds of getting your ex back. Here’s what I mean.
1. Studies Are Only Applicable To On/off Relationships
None of the three studies you see plastered on every “get your ex-back” site consider reconciliations in the context of healthy romantic relationships. On the contrary, they consider exclusively those in the context of toxic on-off relationships.
Why is this important? Because the couple in an on-off relationship is inherently more inclined to breaking up and getting back together. In fact, those kinds of couples break up and make up almost as frequently as I change my underwear. Therefore, when discussing your average, healthy, non-on-off relationship, the chances of reconciliation are inevitably way lower than our famous studies suggest.
2. The consequences of getting back with an ex aren’t positive
According to our previous study — the one with 1075 participants — getting back with an ex is, in general, a horrible idea, primarily for these reasons:
“Unfortunately, partners in renewed relationships have been found to be at greater risk for relationship distress. Although researchers have yet to determine causal ordering, compared to stably together relationships (relationships that have been continually maintained), relationship cycling is associated with lower commitment and satisfaction, poorer communication, greater uncertainty, and higher levels of verbal abuse and physical violence.” (14)
There’s even a study published in the journal Personal Relationships that reports the other side of the same coin.
“Analyses of open‐ended responses about relationship experiences showed on‐off partners were less likely to report positives (e.g., love and understanding from partners) and more likely to report negatives (e.g., communication problems, uncertainty) than partners who had not broken up and renewed. Also, a greater number of renewals, the greater the negatives and the fewer the positives. (15)
In non-science speak: people who stayed broken up gained more clarity, satisfaction, happiness, and peace in their lives than those who hooked up or rekindled things with an ex after their breakup. In fact, the latter had significantly worse moods and many more sour experiences in their future love life.
3. Even The Author Of The Largest Reconciliation Study Argues Against Reconciliation
Look. It’s fine if you don’t want to listen to me. I mean, I’m just a guy with a keyboard and a somewhat stable internet connection. But at least listen to Amber Vellum, an actual expert on reconciliation, breakups, and on/of relationships. Here’s what she had to say about getting back together with an ex. And no, her comment does not apply solely to on-off relationships but all relationships in general.
“Don’t get back together. Study after study shows that when our relationships are poor, we don’t function well. If it seems necessary to get back together, make sure the decision is carefully considered by both people and that specific efforts are made to establish clarity.” — Amber Vellum (16)
Looking At The Bright Side Of The Turd
I’m not the one to cancel someone because I don’t like what they’re saying. But I am all about spreading awareness. And that was the whole point of this article: not to cancel the infamous “get your ex back” gurus, but to help you become more aware of them and their bullshit.
And while it may seem that I took a massive dump on all the people working in the “get your ex back” space, truth is, I’ve only took a dump on certain people.
Sure, there’s a lot of conmen and snake oil salesmen in this space, but there’s also a lot of ethical and genuine people in it that enrich the lives of others, instead of making them worse. People like Craig Kenneth, Corey Wayne, The Dating Guy, Rory from The Love Chat, or Jack from Men’sBreakup.
My hopes are that, as of now, with this newfound awareness…
… you will never have to recourse to buying a fake guru’s crappy, overhyped, and overpriced product or service.
… you will never fall for the old spiel of how easy and simple it is to get an ex back.
… you will never forget the real odds of getting your ex back — and that they’re not in your favor.
… you will never overlook the fact that you probably shouldn’t get back with your ex.
… you will never feel what fruitlessly chasing after an ex for a year feels like.
… you will never resort to stealing money from your parents to buy more ex-back-shit that you probably don’t even need.
… you will never brush at the contours of depression and nihilism.
… you will never experience what it’s like to put a cold barrel of a loaded gun to your head and actually consider pulling the trigger under the gaping and silent and empty sky.
All too familiar sights for me…
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