Why Your Ex Isn’t Texting Back And How To Proceed

So you’ve sent a text to your ex. Maybe it was a simple “Hey, how’s it going?” or a more vulnerable “I miss you.” But there’s one problem — radio silence.

Now your mind is spiraling with possibilities. Why aren’t they texting back? Should you send another message? Or should you throw your phone in a lake and go live in a cave like some hermit?

Here’s the deal: your ex isn’t just “busy.” They’re not ignoring you by accident. There are real reasons behind their unresponsiveness. Fortunately, there are also ways to increase the chances they’ll respond. And, in turn, the chances of mending your relationship.

But before we dive into that, let me kick off this article with a story illustrating why you shouldn’t keep texting an unresponsive ex in the first place — because this is arguably the biggest mistake people make.

Why Texting Your Ex When They Don’t Respond Sucks

Emma was five years old when she got her first puppy. He was an energetic but clumsy Great Dane with big floppy ears and a tail that wagged like a wind-up toy. His name was Baxter.

“Mommy, why doesn’t Baxter listen to me?” Emma asked as she clutched her favorite stuffed bunny, watching the puppy zip around the living room, covering everything in his thick, foamy drool. Her mom, a glass of iced coffee and phone in hand, smiled and said, “Because Baxter’s got a mind of his own, sweetie. You can’t force him to come to you.”

Determined to prove her mom wrong, Emma waddled after Baxter, holding out a treat. “Come here, Baxter! I’ve got a snack for you!” she called, but Baxter wasn’t interested. He zoomed past her, nearly knocking over a vase, and disappeared under the dining table.

For the next ten minutes, Emma chased him around the house, crawling under chairs, calling his name, and incessantly waving his favorite toy. Every time she got close, Baxter would bolt, running faster than Emma’s little legs could carry her.

Eventually, out of breath and frustrated, Emma plopped down on the floor, her pigtails askew. “He’s too fast, Mommy!” she whined. Her mom chuckled from the kitchen, scrolling through Twitter. “Just let him be for a while, honey. He’ll come to you when he’s ready.”

Emma pouted, watching as Baxter, now settled in the corner, lazily chewed on one of her shoes. She tried calling again, but Baxter just looked up, yawned, and went back to gnawing on his new favorite chew toy.

After a while, as some six-year-olds, Emma got bored and decided it was time for a break. She left Baxter to his shoe, pulled out her iPad, and, for a few hours, lost herself in the endless stream of TikToks, her attention absorbed by the glowing screen as the world around her faded into the background.

But as she lay on the couch, she heard a familiar panting sound. There was Baxter, sitting right beside her, wagging his tail, his eyes wide and begging for crumbs.

Emma grinned, turned off her iPad with a sigh, and gave Baxter one of the many treats she still had in her pocket from before. The dog eats the treat. But as Emma went in for the good ol’ pet on the head, he darted away again. She chuckled this time, shaking her head.

As evening arrived, and after burning through her entire iPad’s battery, Baxter came back, nudging her hand with his nose. This time, instead of reaching out to grab him, Emma just smiled and went back to staring at the wall, too lazy to pick up the iPad’s charger from the other room and confused about what the hell to do with herself now that she lacked her precious stimulation.

Baxter, not satisfied with being ignored, circled her a few times before plopping down right in her lap, licking her face like nothing had happened. Emma’s mom peeked over her phone. “See, Emma? Sometimes, the more you chase, the further away they’ll run. But when you give them space, they come back on their own.”

Emma giggled, hugging Baxter. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. By the way, can you go grab my iPad’s charger for me?”

***

Your ex is a lot like Baxter.

No, they’re not a dog. That’s not what I’m saying. What I mean is that they can do whatever they want with whoever they want. That includes talking to you, responding to your texts, and the sort.

And the more you try to force, cajole, or even manipulate them to give you attention — to engage with you — the likelier it is they’ll only pull away.

The lesson? Don’t constantly message your ex and then wonder why they’re not replying. Instead, give your ex the time and space to return when they’re ready.

But before we dig into this stuff, we need to address the elephant in the room: there are a ton of specific reasons your ex isn’t texting you back.

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Why Your Ex Isn’t Responding To Your Texts

Here are some of the most common reasons, listed in no particular order.

• They’re mad at you.
• They’re sad.
• They’re overwhelmed and need space.
• Talking to you makes them feel uncomfortable.
• They found out you think Amy Schumer is a groundbreaking comedian.
• They’re unsure how they feel about you.
• They’re dating someone new.
• They’re trying to avoid conflict and drama.
• You’re too needy, and it turns them off.
• They’ve really moved on and want you to move on, too.
• They’re trying to friendzone you.

All of this being said, if you’re asking why your ex isn’t texting back, you’re asking the wrong question. It’s like being unable to distinguish the forest from the trees.

Because it doesn’t matter why your ex is unresponsive. What matters is that they are being unresponsive. That’s the situation you find yourself in, no matter why.

And when it comes down to it, there really are only two ways to approach this situation. First, I’ll explain what you shouldn’t do; then I’ll walk you through the right way to approach it.

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What You Shouldn’t Do When Your Ex Isn’t Texting Back

From what I’ve gathered, when a person gets ignored by their ex, one or more of the following occurs:

• They feel angry. “How dare they ignore me! Man, it pisses me off… What gives them the right?”
• They feel hurt. “Maybe they never cared about me in the first place. I’m worthless.”
• They feel frustrated. “Why can’t they just give me a simple reply? This shit is driving me crazy.”
• They feel scared. “They’ve probably moved on to someone else. What now?”
• They feel betrayed. “After everything we went through, how could they do me dirty like this?”
• They feel confused.“They were replying like normal last week. What the fuck happened all of a sudden?”
• They feel powerless. “I have no control over the situation, and it’s terrifying. I don’t know what to do to fix things.”

To be fair, these reactions are normal, healthy, and to be expected. There is absolutely nothing bad about them. However, what is bad is responding to these reactions in ways that lead to negative outcomes.

For example, some people don’t get a reply from their ex, so they shoot them another text. And then another one. And another… One long novel later, they scratch their heads and think, why isn’t any of this shit working?

And here’s where things get even more complicated: instead of taking a step back and reflecting, some people start playing games in response to their ex not texting back.

It’s like they’re trying to gain control by using manipulation rather than coming face-to-face with the fact that they can’t control another person. This might look like holding back on replying immediately and thinking that if they act indifferent, their ex will magically come running back.

Then there are these toxic power plays. Some people believe if they end the conversation first or leave their ex on read, that’ll somehow raise their attraction. It’s like they’re trying to “win” some imaginary game of emotional tug-of-war, as if one person has to come out on top for the other to want them back.

Even worse, others convince themselves that they need to ask their ex these dumb open-ended questions, tap into their ex’s “hero complex” (whatever the fuck that means), or use vapid psychological hooks to grab their attention through text.

People seriously think this crap is what will fix their relationship. And so, they freeze up and start overanalyzing everything. They essentially get stuck in a loop, thinking their ex is playing chess while they’re barely getting through checkers.

In reality, it’s all unnecessary frustration.

What You Should Do When Your Ex Isn’t Texting Back

Just back off.

…

No, seriously. That’s it.

Don’t necessarily ignore your ex, but until they reach out themselves, leave them be (read: no contact). Not because you’re trying to hurt them, or play games, or teach them a lesson. Do it because that’s what they want if they’re not responding.

However — and this is where most people screw up — don’t just sit around, stare at your phone, and count down the minutes to a reply that might never arrive.

Fuck no! Start working on yourself:

• Eat healthy.
• Straighten out your sleep.
• Get therapy.
• Learn something new.
• Date new people.
• Hit the gym.
• Improve your career.
• Invest in your character.
• Double down on your hobbies.
• Hang out with friends and family more than usual.

You get the point. This isn’t hard to wrap your head around. Focus on you. And while you’re out there leveling up, you’re giving your ex the space they need to start missing you.

And if they do start missing you deeply enough, they’ll probably text you back. They’ll be the ones reaching out, perhaps even chasing you. You’ll be back in the driver’s seat. Not stuck behind a screen, wondering why the fuck didn’t they reply to your 11th text.

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