No, You Can’t Make Your Ex Change

I recently noticed that many people want to change their ex once they start dating them regularly.

Suddenly, they want more affectionate phone calls and “I love you” texts to feel validated and approved of. They want their ex to be involved in the same interests and hobbies they’re involved in. They want them to be less shy and quiet — or better in bed.

Day in and day out, too many people keep thinking, “If only they would change — if only my ex would be different and/or get their shit together, then everything would yet again be fun and fellatio.”

An Uncomfortable Truth

I hate to say this but forcing your ex to change almost never works out. On the contrary, in fact — it usually just sabotages re-attraction and keeps you from getting back together.

This is because trying to get your ex to change against their will — trying to get anyone to change against their will — is a major boundary violation, which annoys, sometimes even disgusts, just about anyone. And this goes regardless of how you try to change your ex.

Maybe you give a desperate lecture on why they should change. Or you get emotional and start crying, pleading, and begging them to do it. Or perhaps you attempt to change them through manipulation and deceit. All of these options lower your ex’s attraction and respect for you — all of these options suck.

And here’s the catch: even if you, by some miracle, do succeed in changing your ex, that change will never be permanent because your ex didn’t change for themself. They’ve done it for you — they’ve done it so you could finally shut the fuck up.

For your ex to truly change, they must feel as though their change came from within. They must feel they chose to change themselves and have complete control and autonomy over their transformation. Otherwise, it loses all its effect.

So, if you can’t force your ex to change and trying usually just backfires, what can you do? How do you help them if they genuinely should change? Till now, I’ve found three methods that can do the job — educating, inspiring, and challenging them toward change.

Inspiring Your Ex To Change

This simply means becoming better in an area of life you’re trying to help your ex improve themselves. Then, let your improvements act as inspiration for them. Put another way, lead by example.

If you want your ex to start cleaning the dishes after the meals you prep together, don’t criticize or nag them about it. Grab the dishes yourself, start scrubbing them, and ask them to join you.

If you want your ex to be more punctual and organized, start by being more punctual and organized yourself. Show them the benefits of planning ahead, setting reminders, and managing time more effectively in your own daily routine — and maybe they’ll absorb some of your habits.

If you want your ex to get in shape, get in shape first, then let them gaze upon your gains and chiseled abs or tight ass and hope that it motivates them to start exercising themselves.

If you want your ex to do better at their job, get better and more serious about your career, and let your exceptional results and hard work be a potential motivator for them.

Just note that inspiring your ex to change should exclusively be a side product of your effort and willingness to improve in a certain area of your choosing. It shouldn’t be the core reason you’re doing the improvements you’re doing.

Educating Your Ex To Change

To be clear: this doesn’t mean you shove textbooks up your ex’s ass and pray to God that they soak em’ in. It means politely expressing how you feel about a particular decision they made and/or explaining how you feel in regard to their recent or not-so-recent behavior.

For example, if I started dating one of my exes and I got frustrated by their lack of tidiness, I could say, “My back hurts from picking up your clothes from the floor this morning. Can you be so kind as to pick them up next time? I feel bad about them laying around my apartment.”

Or when it comes to an ex’s emotional issues, you could say, “You know I love you and want to make this work between us, but your neurotic behavior is really hurting me, and it’s hurting you as well. Can we please see a professional who can help us?”

Or when it comes to quality time that your ex clearly isn’t giving you, you could say, “I understand you’re busy with work, but I miss spending time together. Can we set aside specific evenings each week for date nights or activities that we both enjoy?”

Challenging Your Ex To Change

This looks like unconditionally asking your ex about a problem they have and letting them notice it themselves, as opposed to flat out telling them they have a problem they should address.

So instead of saying, “You have to get out more and get active to make yourself feel better,” you could simply ask, “Why don’t you take a walk around town to loosen up? Maybe that will help you feel less lethargic. You can even add, “I can also join you if you want.”

Or instead of saying, “You should get more sleep,” you could just ask, “I’ve noticed you’ve been having trouble sleeping lately — have you tried establishing a wind-down routine before going to bed? Maybe reading a book or doing some meditation could help?”

Or instead of saying, “Assert some boundaries for once and tell your boss that your coworker is taking all the credit for the projects you’ve done,” you could ask, “Don’t you think your boss deserves to know that you’re the one to thank for all those projects?” Do your coworker’s actions seem fair to you? Do you genuinely believe your coworker deserves all this credit for something you’ve spent weeks working on?”

Final Thoughts

Whatever method of facilitating change in your ex you use, the fundamental truth still stands: you can’t — nor should you attempt to — force them to change.

True magic begins when you accept your ex fully, warts and all. Besides, zooming out, it’s not finding the perfect partner that makes a relationship fulfilling. It’s finding one whose flaws you can accept and live with that makes it fulfilling.

But if that’s impossible — if you just can’t get your ex to change while simultaneously can’t stand their flaws or discrepancies — there’s no shame in terminating your reconciliation attempts and letting your ex go for good.

As I often say, always be willing to walk away.