Escalation In Re-Attraction: Touching, Kissing, And Sex Itself

Think of re-attraction — that is, the process of getting back with an ex — as a series of escalations.

At first, you get in contact with your ex, you set a definite date, and you meet up. On your date, you start talking, getting deeper and more personal with each other, and then begin to flirt. Next, you start touching each other, kissing, and then going to either your place or theirs to have sex. Or just about anywhere private.

You can see how incremental these escalations are. And while I already covered many of them in this article, here I will go over the last three: touching, kissing, and sex itself.

1. Touching

The art of touch is a fundamental aspect of flirting, often signaling interest and paving the way for physical intimacy. It’s also a fact that light, casual touching serves as a socially acceptable way to express sexual interest and build comfort practically anywhere.

And as this comfort and compliance escalate through touch, it naturally progresses toward kissing and sex. In fact, you can’t really go to kissing and sex without some form of touching involved.

Now commencing touch in a natural and acceptable manner involves gestures like lightly touching your ex’s arm while conversing, placing your hand on their shoulder, or putting your arm around them and pulling them into you. If you’re sitting next to each other, you could also lightly push your leg or feet up against theirs.

Or, if you’ve already moved along the basics, you could put your hand on your ex’s leg while talking. And if you’re even past that, you could take their hand while you have a stroll and commence the ol’ handholding.

The way you should generally progress with touching is slowly moving from the outside of your ex’s body (hands, arms, feet) towards more intimate places (shoulders, back, legs) and then to very intimate places (chest, butt, face, neck).

While you’re touching your ex and vice versa, you’ll notice that there’s an entire nonverbal discussion going on under the hood. You may be sitting next to them, and as you reach out to gently touch their arm while chatting, they might respond with a smile and put their hand on your leg. This is an example of a reciprocated response.

When your ex puts their hand on your leg, you know they like being touched and are interested. And so later on, you could take their hand and put it in your lap while putting your other hand on top of it. A little bit later, they may respond by putting their head on your shoulder. And then you could respond by kissing them.

Such an escalation can be, on average, replicated in under 30 minutes. However, this presupposes that your ex keeps reciprocating whenever you try to initiate or escalate touching.

But what if they don’t? What if you touch your ex, and they respond neutrally, indifferently, or pretend nothing happened? Easy. Wait a while, keep talking, flirting, and connecting, and then try touching them again. The goal is to eventually get either a positive or negative response (see: polarization).

A positive one would be one that is reciprocated. A negative one would mean that your ex not only doesn’t reciprocate but that they also find ways to prevent you from touching them again. Maybe they pull away. Maybe they become emotionally unavailable. Or perhaps they give an excuse like how they have to go to the bathroom, and when they come back, they start sitting farther away from you.

If you ever get such a response from your ex, stop touching them. There’s no reason to persist. If you do, you’ll only demonstrate more neediness and one-sided investment and, therefore, become less attractive. And in return, they’ll become even more unreceptive and cold.

I hate to say it, but if your ex gives you a negative response or perhaps a string of them, consider ending the date and going back into no contact.

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2. Kissing

As wise guideline, you should kiss your ex on the first date; and on the lips. Kissing them is the ultimate test of interest, and luckily, it’s actually not nearly as hard as it sounds. If your ex is having a good time, they probably want it anyway. Hell, they probably even expect it to happen.

Still, this assumes that you are on a date, that you’ve been flirting and touching, and that your ex has been reciprocating. If those things are happening, you’re in a position where you could kiss them. So do it. Or at least make it easy for them to kiss you if you’re more of a shy sort.

In cases where your ex pulls away or turns their head when you go for the kiss, know that it doesn’t necessarily mean “No, never.” It means “No, not right now.” If you encounter such an obstacle, the first thing out of your mouth should always be something akin to, “Is something wrong? Are you not comfortable for some reason?” or “It’s okay. Is there a reason you’re not comfortable? Did I get the wrong idea?”

Ask your ex these sorts of questions genuinely. Maybe they feel like everything is just too rushed. Maybe they’re simply nervous. Maybe they have doubts about giving you another shot for whatever reason. Or perhaps they’re seeing someone else. In any case, give them space to answer and let them know you won’t judge them regardless of how they respond. And then actually don’t judge them — stay unattached to whatever they say.

What you’ll find is that if your ex still likes you but just wasn’t comfortable enough yet to kiss you, the fact that you genuinely cared and asked them about it and are concerned about it demonstrates that you are reliable and trustworthy, which often gets them over not being comfortable enough to kiss you.

3. Sex

If you and your ex are consistently making out and being all over each other, you’re clearly sexually interested. If that’s the case, just invite your ex to your place or go to theirs, where you can continue your date in a more intimate environment and lead things towards sex.

Of course, you can also pick other private locations like a hotel or a car — be creative. As with kissing, if you’re shy, at least hint that you’d like to go somewhere private. If you’re not too covert about it, and your ex isn’t a clueless chimpanzee, they’ll get the idea.

Once you are somewhere private, and you’re kissing and getting physical, don’t be afraid to slowly move things further. You can start taking each other’s shirts off, grabbing each other in different places, and then commence foreplay: fingering, masturbation, oral sex, whatever you like.

That being said, please respect consent. If your ex at any point before sex tells you they only want to fool around without actually having sex (which is usually a tease, by the way), you should respond with something like, “That’s cool, we’ll do whatever you’re comfortable doing.” And if they ever say “No” or “Stop” during sex, or they pull away or push your hands off them, stop immediately.

And if you’re the one who’s on edge, there’s no shame in telling your ex something like, “Why don’t we take this slow? I haven’t done it in a while,” or “I’m a little stressed out. Why don’t we relax for a minute?”

Look, sex is naturally an awkward and vulnerable experience, especially with an ex. So be honest about your feelings when having it. Your ex will appreciate that much more than if you’d try to fake your way through (which, yes, they’ll probably notice).

The last thing I’ll say is that for the first couple of times you have sex, keep your expectations around getting back together dramatically low. You should be thinking along the lines of, “Cool, we had sex. It was great. But it doesn’t necessarily mean we’ll get back together. Let’s just have fun and see where things go.”

Why this mentality? Because what tends to happen to most people — especially those who haven’t dated much — is that they get incredibly emotional and attached post-sex. And thus, needy. Don’t fall for this trap. Besides, there has to be more than sex and sexual feelings on the table for two people to mend things.

There has to be compatibility, there has to be an insight into why the relationship failed, and there has to be a mutual update in identity, lifestyle, and emotional health, among many other things. You can’t just fuck your ex once or twice and forget about all of that.