A Provocative Perspective On Why You Can’t Let Your Ex Go

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I was caught up in a funny situation once. Even though it’s been months since our breakup, I still loved my ex. She was everything I ever wanted — beautiful, intelligent, and full of enthusiasm and lust for life.

The problem was, however, that I couldn’t give her what she wanted: an emotionally mature adult with a life and purpose transcending his romantic relationship. Instead, what she got was an emotional cripple and uber-jealous control freak who made her the sole source of his happiness.

As you’d expect, my ex eventually dumped me.

But I still loved her and didn’t want to let her go. Day in and day out, I silently wondered: If I let go, what if I never find someone like her again? We had such an incredible and impossible-to-repeat relationship — what if women like her are simply outside my reach?

And because I flirted with these erroneous thoughts for so long, they gave birth to umpteen limiting beliefs.

• I’m not good enough.
• I’m unlovable.
• I’m inadequate.
• I can’t find anyone better.

It’s these beliefs that ultimately made me want to get my ex back no matter what, despite all odds. And so I begged and pleaded with her to return. I tried to bargain for another shot. I even attempted to trick and manipulate her into coming back. I tried everything, but it was all in vain.

I fought fiercely; I’ll give myself credit there. I was a fucking beast. I’d reckon I chased after this poor girl for almost a year before I threw in the towel. That is before I came to my senses. What a year, man. What a raging dumpster fire of a year…

Fast forward another year, after I finally quit the whole “get my ex back” thing and started dating, I found myself surrounded by new women who were, to my surprise, in many ways far better than the one I’d struggled to let go just months prior.

This impacted me in two big ways. First, it made me realize that I could get a high-quality “replacement” girlfriend faster than I thought. Second, it helped me fall out of love with my ex. For the most part, she was out of my mind completely — and replaced by thoughts of the other pretty girls I was seeing.

In retrospect, the reason I couldn’t let my ex go was because I was selfish and afraid. I didn’t believe I could find a girlfriend of her caliber to replace her. I naively believed she was irreplaceable. So I feared giving her up and instead held onto her tightly, wasting her time and mine.

Yet, I was lucky — incredibly lucky. I’ve talked to numerous people over the years who, like me, couldn’t let go of their ex at some point in their life. Interestingly, many of them arrived at much darker conclusions.

Some became borderline stalker-psychos. At best, all they got was a restraining order. At worst, however, they put people in a hospital and ended up in a psych ward.

And others, while they did get back with their ex, had to deal with bucketloads of steaming-hot shit to make their reformed relationship work: overstepped boundaries, unmet needs, unexpressed desires, blue balls.

As you’d guess, taking any of these paths only makes a person miserable. So any time you find yourself so madly in love with your ex that you can’t leave them the fuck alone, know that the more you try to force yourself into their life, the worse you’re making it. If you’re doing this to your ex and still care about them (and not just yourself), you need to knock it off before you wreck your life and theirs.