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When I was trying to get one of my exes back, I kept playing the “friend card” for weeks. I hung out with her, helped her around the house, gave love advice while she was searching for a new guy, and listened to her vent about the merciless nature of dating in the 21 century.
I stood there, smiling — acting as though everything was okay. Occasionally I made a move, like putting my head on her shoulder, only for it to be promptly nudged off. At which point, I made up some stupid excuse about how I was “just tired” and how it “didn’t mean anything.”
Inside, I was screaming the entire time. Yet I pushed my urge for honesty down and kept living a lie. Thankfully, my true intentions bled through the cracks of my performance — as they always do. And when my ex noticed them, she called me out on it, stopped hanging out with me, and blocked me. I haven’t heard from her since.
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I’ve written at length before about how vulnerability should be at the core of re-attraction. To be attractive, you need to be brave enough to unabashedly express yourself to your ex, put yourself in the crosshairs of rejection, and accept any response that comes back — no matter how uncomfortable.
Turns out that some people have trouble with vulnerability when it comes to the oh-so-important moment of telling their ex, “Yo, fuckface, I know we just broke up, but I still love you and wanna work this out. What do you think? Up for the challenge? If not, know that my door is always open— reach out when you’re ready.”
For some reason, most people just can’t build up the courage to say something like this. Instead, they settle for the immature shit I did. They beat around the bush, hide their true intentions, and try to weasel their way into a new relationship. All because admitting the truth is painful and they’re too afraid of being rejected and losing their ex for good.
But through these gestures of cowardice, these people not only come across as total doormats but also open up the doors to being led on, used, and sometimes even abused. Any way you look at it, it’s a one-way ticket to Miseryville.
Over the years, I received hundreds of emails from people desperately trying to hold on to their ex through innocent and well-intentioned deceit, asking me, “How do I just tell them I still love them and want them back, and stop pretending I’m okay with how things are between us?”
The answer to this question is the same as if you’d ask me how to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger, how to ask out your high-school crush, how to admit to your parents you don’t want to be involved in the family’s business, or how to tell your boss you’d like to quit.
The answer is this: just shut up and do it.
Don’t intellectualize and procrastinate about the problem by reading another book or watching another course on attraction, confidence, or whatever. Just shut up and go tell your ex you still love them and want to work things out — and be prepared to walk away if they can’t give you what you want. It’s that simple!
The reason most people can’t admit something like this is because they’ve fused with their emotions too much and have allowed them to define their reality. They feel it’s impossible to admit to their ex their truth, so they come to believe it actually is impossible.
But this isn’t a reflection of reality. Your emotions aren’t commandments from some higher being or the universe that you must adhere to religiously. They’re not your truth. Your emotions are merely your brain’s way of communicating that something good or bad is happening in your life — they’re biological feedback mechanisms and nothing more.
Just like if something feels good or bad, or complex or difficult, it doesn’t mean it is necessarily good or bad, or complex or difficult; if something feels impossible, it doesn’t necessarily mean it is impossible. There is a noticeable difference between what you’re capable of doing and what you allow yourself to do.
Recognize and acknowledge this difference. And, as much as emotions can be helpful sometimes, learn to act independently of them. That is, based on something more important than your emotions. For you are greater than your emotions.
You need to be capable of stepping outside of yourself and seeing the world for what it really is: a place where you can unabashedly express your true feelings and desires to your ex. A place where you can express them regardless of whether your ex hates you, feels awkward around you, is in another relationship, or is in the middle of an unhinged champagne orgy.
Need More Ex-Back Help?
- The Re-Attraction Cheat Sheet: free guide revealing my entire approach for getting an ex back — from start to finish.
- From The Inside Out: the honest, no-BS book that's helped thousands reunite with their ex while staying true to themselves.
- The Radical Re-Attraction Course: shows you how to master re-attraction. Includes hours of video and written content + downloads and exercises + a community and coaching.
From The Inside Out
