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It’s not complicated. In fact, it’s right there in front of you. That is, if you’re willing to face it. Most people will refuse to. And thus, years roll by and they’re still nowhere near being over their ex.
Day and night, their ex plagues their mind, making them talk to themselves endlessly, searching for answers they will never receive. Making them obsess over questions like, “What could I have done differently?” and concerns like, “If I only hadn’t made that one mistake…” Their ex is the first thing that comes to mind when they wake up and the last thing when they lay down at night — and then they can’t fall asleep.
I often ask these people, “What are you doing to move past this?” After having hundreds of conversations, what I found intrigued me. I found that these people almost always end up bouncing between three ways of dealing with their inability to let go: venting, suppressing, and ruminating.
I’ll go ahead and unpack them, and you can decide which one’s your top pick. Spoiler: they all suck to a degree and for different reasons. That’s why, at the end of this article, I’ll also reveal a superior alternative. But let’s start at the beginning.
Venting
Or, put another way, speaking at length about whatever is bothering you. You go to a therapist and tell them how you’re feeling. You talk to someone about your problems and challenges. You talk to your friends, your family, your cat… whoever is willing to listen.
Sometimes, having somebody besides you who understands what you’re going through is helpful. You want to feel validated. You want to feel that you aren’t crazy. You want people to be in your corner. Rightfully so! You’re alone in this. Your pain is yours alone. And your ex may even be turning some people against you.
Now, the more you vent, the better you feel. It takes the pressure off. It gives you relief, if only for a few minutes or a couple of hours. Hell, it might even change your whole day! When dealing with heartbreak, solace is always welcome.
But there is a problem with venting: the pain always returns. At some point, you’ll be thinking and conversing in your head again with your ex — or you’ll stumble across a trigger that will remind you of them and set you off.
Suddenly, you’ll be in pain again, and you’ll need someone to talk to. You’ll need someone to help you take the pressure off. You’ll need to vent.
But if you’re lucky, you’ll eventually discover venting isn’t a permanent solution. Your friends get tired of you talking about the breakup because it’s all you talk about. Your family doesn’t understand why you can’t just drop it and move on. Maybe it’s been months already, if not longer. You try to date, but you end up telling your dates about your ex, too.
While it makes you feel better for a few minutes, you soon discover this venting stuff just won’t cut it. But most people can’t help themselves. Hence, they do it anyway.
Suppressing
Get busy! Best not to think about the situation… it’s too painful. Stay focused on other things instead — and do your best to keep your ex out of your mind.
Play more video games, consume more junk food, make more money, fuck more people — whatever’s your poison. These are all more of the same. It’s suppression in its purest form.
And it helps you keep your torment locked in a tiny box in the deep reaches of your mind. It’s doing all in your power to keep your mind off your ex and the pain associated with them.
People in this situation often think that if they just stay busy enough for long enough, they may get past the hurt. And so, they do anything to purge their ex’s memory from their minds.
They erase all the photos of their ex from their phone. They delete all their messages and emails. They go into a no contact period. They rebound into new relationships even though they’re not ready yet. They do everything to be able to finally forget their ex and their pain.
But in doing so, they set themselves up for failure. Because every emotion needs an outlet. If you keep suppressing them, at some point, they will burst. They will force their way out of you and violently spill into the world through temper tantrums and mental breakdowns, hurting not only you but everyone around you who’s trying to help you as well.
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Get Instant AccessRuminating
“If I could just figure this out, I’d feel a lot better!”
That’s really what you’re telling yourself when it comes to rumination. You endlessly stew on all the situations, words, arguments, gifts, favors, texts — anything really that could’ve been different. Or what you should do to change your situation.
But then it hits you: if you can think about it long and hard enough, you’ll figure it out! So you search online for solutions to get your ex back or to figure out what they’re up to or where they’re going. You snoop online endlessly, stalking them. Or you drive past their house or apartment to spy on them.
The more you do it, the more you have to do it. Yes, you’ve read that right, this stuff can become an obsession. And as you obsess, your anxiety keeps spiking up, up, up! You falsely believe that with the next thing they’re doing, well — if you can figure it out, you’ll finally get a taste of that sweet, sweet closure.
On the flip side, most people also constantly torture themselves with thoughts of their ex together with someone else in bed. Maybe that’s the case with you, too. Hell, maybe you wonder if this new person is better, why you can’t compete, why you can’t be what your ex wants. Perhaps you’re wondering why this new person can get the partner you were always trying to get.
It makes no sense, and so you ruminate endlessly. Endlessly torturing yourself, thinking you’ll find that one answer that will finally put it all together, and then you can put it all away and then walk away.
But then you hopefully discover that you can’t think your way out of these problems. It doesn’t matter how many books or articles you read or YouTube videos you watch… it’s never enough. The rumination beast is always hungry. And as you continue to ruminate, you can’t do anything else. Your work suffers, your social life suffers, your health suffers.
So you go back to suppressing or venting to relieve the pressure, and the cycle of torment repeats.
A Better Way Exists
A better way to get past this pain — a better way to let go of your ex — is to dive right into the pain. To dig deep. To allow the pain. To be with the pain. To make the bitch your friend.
Yep, I’m dead serious. Make friends with the pain inside of you. Make friends with the person who was naïve, who hoped for the best, who believed in love, who wanted nothing more than to love the love of their life.
Forgive yourself for being idealistic. Forgive yourself and your shame for always giving a second chance because you believe in the good in people. You believed in your ex. You believed in the promises they gave.
Look within… why did you need this? Why was this so important to you? Why is it that you would give up everything for the promise? Why did it require your ex to make you happy? Why did your happiness require the love and the promise of another? Why are you here on this planet? To make them happy? Why did you betray yourself?
The way through the pain is to release the false desires you are chasing. To open yourself wide and be even more vulnerable, not just with other people, but with yourself. To open up so much it hurts. To live with an open heart, even if its embarrassing, uncomfortable, or, well… painful.
By doing so, you’ll feel powerful and like yourself again, and you’ll be able to accomplish quite a bit. You’ll not be afraid of love anymore. You’ll not hurt any longer. Plus, you’ll have something incredibly valuable: discernment. The ability to see and understand without judgment. To see clearly.
If you close down into resentment because you refuse to go within and air out your pain at its source — if you use venting, supressing, and ruminating — you’ll probably never have what you really want from a person in a future relationship (be it with your ex or someone new). You’ll always be haunted by coulda, woulda, shoulda.
However, if you’re willing to dive deep. If you’re willing to really work on yourself on a deep level. To fully resolve your pain, well, then, you might actually get somewhere worthwhile. Give it a try and see how it goes.
This cheat sheet shows you how to stop obsessing over your ex, reclaim your confidence, and rebuild your emotional well-being so you can finally feel like yourself again.
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