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I see this one a lot. Two people break up. There are fireworks and explosions on both sides — arguments, tears, and maybe even a few slammed doors or cheeks.
As one person prepares to leave, the other says something like, “Maybe one day we’ll get back together.” Naturally, this sticks in the other person’s mind. It becomes a future possibility they hold on to, hoping for that day to come.
A couple of weeks or months later, this person reaches out to see if it’s time to rekindle the relationship. In their mind, enough time has passed. But their ex slaps them with, “Not yet.” Of course, this leaves the person asking for another shot confused. After all, didn’t their ex say they saw a future together? What changed?
Let’s unpack the mystery — and then talk about what you can do to increase your chances of eventually getting back together with your ex.
Your ex is thinking in terms of their feelings — and feelings change.
Whenever they tell you they can see a future together, they’re making an emotional assessment based on the present moment. They’re looking ahead, but it’s like using a pair of binoculars that aren’t properly focused. They can see something, but the details are blurry.
Ask them what’s out there, and they’ll tell you what they think they see. But by the time they get closer, the reality might look entirely different. It’s not that they were lying. It’s just that their perception was distorted by how they felt at that moment.
In other words, your ex’s emotions are constantly shifting, which means their vision of the future will shift, too. When they said they wanted to get back together, they probably meant it — perhaps even fully believed it. But over time, as their feelings changed, so did their perspective on that future.
Why exactly do your ex’s feelings change? Well… it depends on many factors, many of which have nothing to do with you. It could be anything, really — your ex’s social circle, the new person they’re dating, or even something small like a stressful week at work.
Okay, so what does this mean for you?
It means you’ve got to take your ex’s changing emotions into strong consideration. It means you must understand that since their feelings towards you are tied to how they feel at any given moment, you cannot take what they said weeks or months ago as a promise. You cannot get too hung up on it.
But know that there’s also another reason why your ex promises to get back together in the future…
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Sometimes your ex says they see a future together not because they actually believe it, but because they want to soften the blow of breaking up. Offering a “maybe” for the future is just a way of cushioning the breakup. Although false, it fills you with hope instead of condemning you to total devastation.
However, while your ex’s intentions might be fair and just, you must recognize their action for what it is: a rejection. Right now, they’re choosing to step away, and even though the idea of a future together is comforting, it’s not something to hang all your hopes on.
Instead of seeing this as a promise, understand that this “maybe” is a reflection of their uncertainty, not a clear path back together. So focus on healing and growth rather than waiting for a future that might never arrive.
Besides, at the end of the day, both of you need space to grow and reflect. And while it’s tempting to hold on to their words, the best thing you can do for yourself is accept the breakup for what it is and keep moving forward. If things change down the line, great. But don’t pause your life for a mere “maybe.”
Talking of pausing your life for a “maybe…”
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Here’s where your ex’s innocent behavior can start to get dangerous.
While your ex didn’t necessarily intend to mislead you, sometimes they can unintentionally end up stringing you along. Occasionally, they might even use the promise of a possible future together as a way to keep you around while they explore other options. In other words, they make you their Plan B — their fallback option.
I once spent four months caught in this exact situation with an old ex. We’d go on dates, hook up, and she’d tell me that we’d get back together “when the time was right.” But she never clarified what “right” actually meant.
Every time I asked if we could officially be a couple again, she’d say something like, “I’m still healing; I need more time.” Of course, she never told me how much time. Eventually, she started canceling dates, and I stopped hearing from her.
Turned out she’d found someone else.
What I realized later was that she was just using me as a placeholder until she found someone better. And I prolonged my pain by holding on to my unrealistic expectations. Ultimately, I would’ve been better off by just making a clean break.
Another critical mistake I made back then was constantly wondering, “What if?”
Don’t torture yourself by asking, “What if?”
As I mentioned earlier, your ex isn’t necessarily lying to you about the possibility of a future together and probably doesn’t have malicious intent. However, even with good intentions, it’s still best to stop focusing on what might happen and start making moves with only yourself in mind.
I know it’s tempting to play the “what if we get back together” game and hold onto hope. But while you’re waiting, your ex is likely either playing the field or moving on emotionally. And every day you spend in limbo-land delays your own healing and keeps you firmly tethered to the past.
In fact, by holding onto this “what if,” you’re delaying the grieving process and prolonging your pain. You’re effectively handcuffing yourself to your ex, which prevents you from finding the life and love you deserve at this moment. Remember, you can’t move forward if you’re constantly looking backward.
There’s no you and them anymore. There’s just you. Make sure you’ve got your own back, not theirs.
Now let’s talk reconciliation…
If you genuinely want your ex back, you’ve got to let them go first.
As I wrote prior, your ex’s emotions are constantly changing. This means their feelings about you could shift for the better in the future.
However, in order to maximize your chances of this shift, you mustn’t cling to unrealistic expectations of reconciliation. Like how you’ll definitely get back together with your ex. Or how they’ll certainly check up on you in a week or something.
Because such expectations will only elicit panic and entice you to behave in needy, re-attraction-sabotaging ways. Ways like:
- Constantly checking in on your ex.
- Being overly nice to the point of being disingenuous.
- Fishing for compliments or validation.
- Posting cryptic or attention-seeking content on social media.
- Using jealousy tactics or tricks.
- Showing up at places you know they’ll be.
- Bringing up the past constantly.
- Clinging to every small bit of interaction as a sign of interest.
These behaviors put you in a weaker position. Your ex will sense that you’re waiting around for them, and that’s just not attractive. If they feel like they have all the time in the world to decide whether or not to take you back, they’ll lose any sense of mystery and urgency. In turn, you will lose their respect and trust.
To give yourself a real chance at reconciliation, you must let them go first. This means cutting off communication (read: no contact), avoiding social media checks, and stopping any attempts to influence their feelings.
As you create this distance, not only will you relieve the pressure of constantly worrying about your ex’s thoughts and actions, but you’ll also give them the space to experience separation anxiety.
However, this should not be your primary goal. Your main focus should be on yourself — healing, growing, and living your best life. If separation anxiety happens to arise for your ex, consider it a bonus, not the purpose.
Now if there’s still attraction on their end and enough separation anxiety has accumulated, they might eventually reach out. When that happens, setting a date would be the next logical step in the re-attraction process.
To learn how to navigate that part, read this article: How To Get Your Ex Back And Actually Keep Them.
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