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Character development is an area completely overlooked by conventional ex-back advice. Yet I believe we should finally bring it out into the limelight. Because without investing in this area, you’re often in danger of coming across as boring. And boring is never attractive.
So here’s my stab at the feat. Apply the insights from this article, and maybe you’ll have an easier time getting back with your ex.
Character Explained
The way I define character is having a set of interesting hobbies, passions, opinions, and desires that make you stand apart compared to other potential mates your ex has available.
From what I’ve seen, there are three reasons why people don’t develop character. Some get so enraptured with getting their ex back that they forget entirely about it. Some don’t take the whole thing seriously and just go along with whatever likes and dislikes and values society dictates. Others aren’t aware that developing character is even a thing.
If you don’t have character, you’re not entirely to blame. Most of us are pressured to like and agree with whatever our friends and the people around us like and agree with. Yet, you must resist the urge to be another dime a dozen and instead stand out somehow.
It’s standing out that fundamentally makes you attractive because it demonstrates investment into yourself. That is, in your distinct hobbies, passions, opinions, and desires. Think of it this way: why would your ex ever want to get back with you if you have nothing interesting going for you?
Exactly.
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Learn More HereThe Importance Of Solid Character
Consider the following story.
Not long ago, I had a coaching call with a client — let’s call her Megan. She mainly wanted to know what to talk about on her date with her ex. I told her the same thing I tell everyone: talk about how your day went and what you’ve been up to the past few weeks. She looked at me funny and asked, “Why would my ex want to hear about that? It doesn’t help me make an impression at all.”
After a few back and forths, she hits me with this: “I have a pretty boring life. I work at a job I’m not passionate about, my free time mostly revolves around watching game shows and doing crossword puzzles, and on weekends, I don’t do anything other than clean my apartment and prep basic meals. I do all these things every week — what’s fun about that?”
As I watched Megan spill her guts about her life, I immediately shot back, “So that’s the problem.” At first, she didn’t get it. But after I elaborated, the lightbulb turned on. Megan’s issue was that she was an inherently boring person with a dull and uninspired life.
Even the vacations she took revolved around her staying at home, watching more TV, and doing basic errands. It’s like she quit learning new things, meeting new people, gathering new experiences (no matter how big or small) — the things that make her a person worthwhile to be around.
In other words, Megan’s problem was that because she didn’t experience life, she had no character. You don’t want to end up in the same spot as her. You want to nurture yourself. You want to constantly look for opportunities to develop your character.
Talking of developing it…
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Get Instant AccessHow To Develop Character
For starters, note that this is a long process. For some people it may take weeks or months. For others, it may take years. But what’s always constant is how you get to the finish line. Here are some pointers.
1. Develop deeper, more intellectual opinions. For example, instead of just saying, “Yeah, I really enjoyed that movie,” share why you think so: “I really enjoyed it because I can relate profoundly to the main character’s story arc. He battled with the same familial issues I’ve battled with during childhood. And he overcame them the same way I did throughout my adolescence. To be clear, I’m not saying you need to become some intellectual snob. All we’re doing here is helping you develop your own rich opinions.
2. Assume everything has a form of value and work on finding it. Nothing is stupider than to be prejudiced against a genre of music, a kind of sports, a type of movie, a particular politician, or a form of technology for no other reason than because of some stereotype or preconceived notion. Drop all this prejudice and adopt the following mentality instead: “There has to be something to this thing/person to make it special. Otherwise, it wouldn’t have a following, so I should find out what that something is.”
3. Continually expand your horizons. If you’re into pop music, consider listening to rock music for a change. But don’t just listen to random rock music. Start listening to the best. Do some research on the backstory of the tracks and what the lyrics mean, notice the rhyming patterns, the uniqueness of the beats, the cadence and lyrical themes, etc. Once you make these distinctions, you can judge the quality beyond simply “I like it” or “I think it sucks.” Do the same with other areas of life like art, sports, politics, technology, etc.
4. Learn from educated perspectives. Read reviews, critiques, and essays about what you’re trying to build deeper opinions around. See what observations other people are making and what opinions they’re forming. Of course, don’t copy them, but simply expand your own with them.
5. Think for yourself. Most people let society, or most notably, pop culture, dictate their likes and dislikes. Go against the wave. Be interesting. Stop and think about why you like certain things and why some of them are more popular than others. Then develop a unique opinion based on that knowledge. But then again, don’t overdo this (overdo being subjective, of course). You don’t have to have opinions on everything.
6. Dive into new experiences and develop new tastes. There’s nothing wrong with having a generic taste, but again, what will make you stick out from the rest of your ex’s potential mates? Do you brew beer, write poetry, practice survival in the wilderness, or tinker with hydroponic gardening? What’s your unique selling point? What interesting things are you doing or researching in your spare time? What will make you stand out in your ex’s mind?
The Point Is To Have Fun
None of this should feel like homework — it should feel enjoyable. Character development is all about finding cool stuff you’ll be glad you soaked in.
Generally, the more you develop your character, the less your neediness will hold you back, the more mature your perspective on life and people will become, the easier you’ll relate to your ex, and the more culture, worldliness, and value you’ll seem to add to their life.
So don’t skip investing in this crucial aspect of the self.
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