Romanticism emerged around 1750 and influenced countless artists and intellectuals who quickly began spreading their ideas worldwide.
Ideas such as how our relationships should last forever, how we should all find our soul mate, and how our partner should complete us and make us happy until death tears us apart. Eventually, those ideas soon turned into deep-seated societal beliefs that influenced many people to adopt a brand new worldview.
Unfortunately, this worldview was, despite feeling hopeful and cheerful, pretty fucked up. It gave people a false perception of what relationships should be like and many unrealistic expectations surrounding them.
Relationships formed on Romanticism-inspired beliefs were often riddled with drama and often ended as quickly as they began. And thus, most people never got into a lasting relationship because of them. Instead, they just kept hopping from heartbreak to heartbreak.
So, what are these beliefs? Well, here’s six of the most dangerous and widespread ones:
- The belief that the same obsessive love a couple feels for the first few months of their relationship should chug along indefinitely.
- The belief that love should come first — before respect, trust, empathy, and the values that actually matter.
- The belief that heartbreak should be countered with reconciliation, no matter what.
- The belief that sex should never become dull or repetitive.
- The belief in soulmates — a partner who meets all of their needs, loves them in all the right ways, ends all their suffering, and stays with them forever.
- The belief that we should always let our feelings and intuition lead our decisions.
Now, here’s the reality behind these beliefs:
The Honeymoon love won’t last for more than a year or two at most. Your relationship will get less exciting over time, and that’s okay. The lack of newness will pave the way for meaning and a deep-seated friendship to seep it. And that’s one tradeoff that’s always worth going for, for it enriches your life far beyond simple excitement and happiness.
Making love your highest value will enable you to attract and stay in toxic relationships. In the name of love, you’ll stay with a serial cheater, try to make things work with someone incompatible, or end up in a relationship with someone who doesn’t treat you right.
You probably shouldn’t try to get back with your ex. Breakups are a sign of incompatibility. It’s much easier and way more fulfilling if you simply chalk your breakup to experience and move on with your life. Find someone new — someone with who you won’t share a shit ton of emotional baggage with.
Sex becomes duller over time. You will not always be in the mood for it. You will not always enjoy it. And while experimentation does help, it never makes it the same as at the start of your relationship. And all of this is okay. My best advice? Treat sex like a hobby and don’t tie your self-worth to it as many people do. They believe that the more they fuck, the better they are as partners and human beings. Real life doesn’t work that way.
There are no soulmates. And believing that there is one out there for you only hinders your love life. It makes you adopt unnaturally highs standards for those you date. It makes you inflexible and unaccepting of potential partners. It makes you form unrealistic expectations around your relationships. It makes you chase after an ex who is not a good fit in the slightest. And even if, by some miracle, you do meet a 10/10, a perfect partner, a so-called soulmate, know this: people change, and someone who is an ideal fit for you now may not be an ideal fit for you ten years later.
Your feelings are not your truth. If something feels right it doesn’t mean it is right. Likewise, if something feels wrong it doesn’t necessarily mean it is wrong. Feelings are not facts nor some higher commandments from God or The Universe. They are only biological reactions, nudging you to act in some way. For, example, even though you feel like you should get your ex back, it doesn’t necessarily mean you should try to get them back.
Romanticism-inspired beliefs are difficult to pinpoint because they are widespread and deeply integrated into certain parts of our culture. In fact, for the most part, they are considered capital T-truth. Therefore becoming aware of them is important like never before. However, know that in and of itself, that is still not enough. You also have to learn how to overcome them once you notice yourself fostering them.
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