5 Signs Your Ex Is Not Worth Getting Back Together With

Most people try to get back with an ex who is clearly wrong for them.

More specifically, they get caught up trying to rekindle things with an ex who manipulates them, lies to them, or even betrays them — yet they keep trying. Over and over again, they keep fighting.

They delude themselves into thinking they can somehow turn things around and return to a better place. Their loyalty ends up overriding their self-respect and sense of worth.

Let’s make sure this doesn’t happen to you. Here are five glaring signs your ex isn’t worth getting back with, no matter how much you miss them.

1. They Constantly Tear You Down Instead Of Building You Up

Now this isn’t always obvious as your ex straight-up calling you worthless. Sometimes it’s more subtle — like when you share a goal or achievement and they respond with “that’s nice, but…” followed by some backhanded compliment that makes you question yourself.

Or maybe your ex compared you to others, constantly pointing out how their friend’s partner is more successful, more attractive, or more whatever-the-fuck they thought you should be.

This shit is particularly toxic because it creates a dynamic where you’re constantly trying to prove your worth to someone who’s already decided you’re not good enough.

I’ve seen clients stay in these relationships for years, thinking that if they just work harder, achieve more, or become “better,” their partner will finally start building them up instead of tearing them down.

But here’s a reality check: someone who truly loves you will support your growth, not undermine it.

Think about your relationship objectively for a minute. Did your ex celebrate your wins, or did they minimize them? When you were feeling down, did they help pick you up, or did they kick you while you were already on the ground? Did they encourage your dreams, or did they make them seem unrealistic and stupid?

The really fucked up part?

Many people actually mistake this behavior for “tough love” or think their ex is “just trying to help them improve.” Bullshit. Someone who loves you can give constructive criticism without making you feel like shit about yourself. There’s a massive difference between “I think you could approach this differently” and “You always fuck everything up.”

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2. They Lack Empathy

Let’s get specific about what a lack of empathy actually looks like, because this isn’t just about someone being occasionally self-centered – we’re all guilty of that sometimes. I’m talking about consistent patterns of behavior that show your ex couldn’t or wouldn’t try to understand your emotional experience.

Let’s say you’re having a rough day at work, you try to share your struggles with your ex, and instead of listening and offering support, they either dismiss your feelings entirely (“It’s not that bad”), make it about themselves (“You think YOUR day was bad? Let me tell you about MINE”), or use your vulnerability against you later in arguments.

The really insidious part about dating someone without empathy is how it slowly erodes your own emotional awareness. You start doubting whether your feelings are valid. You begin to think maybe you are too sensitive, too needy, too emotional — all because your ex couldn’t extend basic human empathy.

And let’s talk about fighting for a second. In healthy relationships, even during arguments, both partners can still acknowledge each other’s pain. But with an empathy-deficient ex? They’ll step on your emotional toes and then get pissed at you for saying “ouch.”

Some people try to excuse this behavior with bullshit like “they had a tough childhood” or “they’re just not good with emotions.” Again, bullshit. Stop making excuses. While someone’s past might explain their behavior, it doesn’t excuse it, and it certainly doesn’t mean you should subject yourself to it again.

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3. They Create Constant Drama

Here’s what I mean…

Everything’s going smoothly for a week, you’re both happy, life is good… and suddenly your ex starts picking fights about something that happened six months ago. Or they’re creating elaborate stories about how your completely innocent interaction with a coworker means you’re probably not taking your relationship seriously. Or they’re starting shit with your friends and then somehow making it your fault.

I’ve seen this pattern play out countless times. One reader’s ex would literally start arguments because things were “too peaceful” — she actually said those words. She was so uncomfortable with stability that she’d rather blow up the relationship than deal with her own issues around peace and contentment.

Here’s what’s really happening: these people are usually addicted to the emotional intensity that drama creates. They mistake that intensity for passion or love. But real love isn’t about constantly being in crisis mode. It’s not about walking on eggshells, wondering what imaginary problem is going to explode in your face next.

And let’s talk about the exhaustion factor. When you’re constantly putting out fires, you don’t have energy left for actual growth — both personal and relationship growth. You’re too busy dealing with the latest crisis to build anything meaningful. Sucks, right?

4. They Don’t Respect Boundaries

This is probably the most crucial red flag of them all, because boundaries aren’t just arbitrary rules — they’re the framework for respect in a relationship. And when I talk about boundaries, I’m not just talking about the big obvious ones like physical space.

I’m talking about those everyday boundaries that make up the fabric of your personal autonomy. Like when you say you need an hour to yourself to decompress after work, but your ex blows up your phone anyway. Or when you express discomfort with something they’re doing, and they dismiss it as you being “too sensitive.”

Let me give you a real-world example, yet again, from one of my readers. Her ex would regularly go through her phone while she was sleeping. When she confronted him about it, he turned it around on her, saying she must be hiding something if she’s so protective of her privacy. Classic boundary violation followed by manipulation.

Now here’s the tricky part: people who don’t respect boundaries often disguise their violations as love. “I’m just worried about you.” “I care so much, I can’t help checking up on you.” “If you loved me, you wouldn’t need these boundaries.”

This is all manipulative bullshit designed to make you feel guilty for having perfectly normal needs for privacy and autonomy.

5. They Bring Out The Worst In You

Think back to your relationship. Did you like the person you were when you were with your ex? I’m not talking about the honeymoon phase where everything was fun and fellatio. I’m talking about the day-to-day reality of who you became in that relationship.

Maybe you were constantly jealous and suspicious, even though you’ve never been that way in other relationships. Maybe you found yourself lying to avoid their reactions, even though honesty is one of your core values. Maybe you isolated yourself from friends and family because it was easier than dealing with their reactions to your relationships.

Look, sometimes two perfectly good people can bring out the absolute worst in each other. It’s like a chemical reaction — mix two harmless substances together and suddenly you’ve got something toxic.

And no amount of couples therapy, communication workshops, or relationship advice can fix this fundamental incompatibility. Because it’s not about skills or techniques — it’s about the basic chemistry between two people.

The Bottom Line

I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear. You probably came here hoping I’d tell you how to get your ex back, not why you shouldn’t. But sometimes, the best thing you can do is recognize when someone isn’t right for you, even if you still have feelings for them.

Just because you can get your ex back doesn’t mean you should. Sometimes the best thing you can do is recognize the red flags and choose your own well-being instead.

Besides, there are people out there who will appreciate you, respect your boundaries, and help you become the best version of yourself. Don’t waste your time trying to force a relationship with someone who’s shown you they’re not capable of being that person.

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