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Before diving into re-attraction placebos, it’s important to understand re-attraction at large. So that’ll be our starting point. To define it, re-attraction simply refers to the process of getting back with an ex — from first contact to getting back together.
As you’d assume, this process is inherently subjective due to everyone being different. For instance, being good at beer pong might make you very attractive and get you farther with your ex if you’re 20 and a party hound. But not if you’re 50 and have three kids, a dog, and a house.
And since this process is subjective, it also can’t be measured, quantified, or controlled. This means you can’t predict that, say, behavior A will elicit response B in your ex and not response C or even D.
These are the reasons why I always cringe when people start yapping on about “re-attraction science.” There’s hardly any science in the whole thing. Yet, why does it then work somewhat consistently and seldom still improves a person’s results with their ex in the short term?
Why Re-Attraction Science Sometimes Works
Because most tricks, methods, and techniques for getting back with an ex based on re-attraction science are simply logical placebos for creating emotional realities. They’re ways for people to cope with their underlying emotional/self-esteem issues.
Let me unpack this for you…
A person doesn’t know how to get their ex to like them, so they read a book telling them that one way of accomplishing that is by saying or texting some pre-prepared set of phrases.
Let’s call them “lines,” for simplicity’s sake.
So this person then uses a line outlined in their book, gets their ex to respond positively — in other words, they reciprocate — and, as a result, becomes convinced it’s the line that’s working, not them.
But here’s the kicker: their line, whatever it is, is a placebo.
Successful re-attraction has almost nothing to do with what is said but with how non-needy or confident the person trying to get their ex back is when they say it.
Coming back to our example, whereas the person was scared of engaging in a conversation with their ex prior, being given the line and being told that it will make their ex like them more gives them the false confidence to engage in a conversion ably. With this same confidence, this same person could successfully engage in a good conversation with just about any line.
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When people have problems getting their ex back, even though those problems emanate from an emotional source, they’re experienced and interpreted logically. Therefore, people are apt to develop logical solutions to their emotional problems.
For example, people don’t interpret being afraid of permanent loss and rejection as being insecure and fearful. They interpret it as a logical problem of “I don’t have the right lines” or “I need a strategy for dealing with my ex when they’re stubborn, in a rebound, non-responsive, have me blocked, and so forth.”
People then look up and research lines or strategies for these situations, giving them false non-neediness that makes them appear more attractive during their interactions. In reality, the only thing these people needed was non-neediness to begin with.
Or think about this example. Being unable to connect with an ex emotionally is experienced externally as them flaking or testing you. But instead of addressing the underlying emotional issue, most people look for logical solutions to the symptoms of the problem.
These logical solutions allow them to treat the symptoms and buy themselves more time to build emotional connections, when if they built those connections to begin with, they wouldn’t have to bother will all of the nonsense.
One last example. A sense of inadequacy and low self-esteem is experienced externally as saying and teasing too much and trying too hard to impress an ex and get high on their validation.
No matter how attracted they are, an average person isn’t satisfied with it. So instead of addressing those issues, preferably with a therapist, they look for logical solutions in new re-attraction strategies.
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Don’t get me wrong, re-attraction placebos work in the short-term. The problem is that they fail spectacularly in the long. Why? Because they over-complicate things and provide no real or lasting internal change in a person. Using them is often like treating a gunshot wound with a bandage.
Approaching re-attraction logically, in general, means making it difficult and cumbersome. The way you make re-attraction simpler, however, is by realizing and addressing your underlying emotional issues.
A few examples:
Example 1: Instead of chasing your ex through phone calls and texts, playing hard to get, and other games, realize it’s pointless. They either still have feelings for you or they don’t — and there’s little you can do to change that.
Example 2: Instead of altering your intentions when talking to your ex and trying to game them, realize that them rejecting your reconnection attempts is a good thing and that there’s no reason to avoid it. Rejection is like a filter. It screens out people who aren’t compatible and brings you closer to those who are.
Example 3: Instead of pumping yourself up before going on a date with your ex, realize that you don’t need to be pumped up. It’s not your emotional state itself that’s attractive. A pumped up emotional state simply makes behaving in an attractive way more likely. Spoiler: you can be in a bad mood and still be attractive.
Example 4: Instead of trying to prove your value and worth to your ex (or yourself), realize that you don’t have to. If you believe in your own value and worth, it will come across in everything you do one way or another.
In each case, these realizations will free you from having to learn, practice, and memorize dumb re-attraction placebos (i.e., lines, tactics, strategies, techniques, or anything akin to those things).
Final Thoughts
Re-attraction placebos ultimately help you get over those initial bumps, like the first time your ex reaches out after no contact, for example. But once you get your conversations flowing, they become a long-term hindrance.
Removing them, as well as accepting the emotional realities of re-attraction head-on, is the next step to rebuilding your relationship in a way where it grows to be durable, healthy, and enjoyable.
Good luck.
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