Maybe Your Ex Isn’t The Problem

As part of my newsletter, The Breakthrough Letter, every week I send out a short email with one idea, one suggestion, and one resource to help you break through your breakup and create a new possibility for love, either with your ex or someone new.

Here’s this week’s edition. Enjoy.

Today’s Idea:

No, your ex probably isn’t an avoidant. You’re just really fucking annoying to be around.

I know it stings, but here’s the deal: most (but not all!) people who email me convinced their ex is “avoidant” are actually just displaying seriously desperate behaviors themselves. It’s easier to slap a psychology label on your ex than face the uncomfortable truth that you might be the problem.

Think about it. Are you triple-texting when they don’t respond? Stalking their social media like it’s your job? Making up bullshit excuses to contact them? Trying to force conversations about “the relationship”?

If you’re nodding along, congratulations — you’re probably not dealing with an avoidant ex. You’re dealing with a normal human being who’s naturally backing away from suffocating behavior. Even secure people will start acting “avoidant” when someone’s being clingy and desperate. It’s not attachment theory; it’s basic human nature.

Today’s Suggestion:

Before you diagnose your ex with avoidant attachment, take a brutally honest look in the mirror this week. Ask yourself: “Am I actually just being unbearable to be around?”

Write down all the ways you’ve been trying to contact or connect with your ex recently. Include everything — the texts, the social media checks, the “accidental” run-ins. Then read that list back to yourself and imagine if someone was doing all of that to you. How would you react?

If you realize you’ve been the desperate one, stop. Just fucking stop. Focus on building your own self-worth instead of obsessing over their attachment style. A healthy relationship isn’t built on psychoanalyzing the other person — it’s built on two people who can exist independently while choosing to be together.

Today’s Resource:

Stop Labeling Your Ex As Avoidant When You’re Just Being Desperate — a reality check on why your ex might be pulling away and how to stop pushing them further with desperate behavior.

As always, feel free to reply to this email and let me know what you think. I’ll do my best to get back to you promptly.

Until next time,
Max Jancar

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