Breakups fucking suck. There’s no sugarcoating it.
But what sucks even more? The torrent of bullshit advice that floods your way the moment you mention you’re going through one. “Just move on.” “There are plenty of fish in the sea.” “Everything happens for a reason.”
Spare me.
The truth about breakups is far more nuanced — and far less comforting — than most people want to admit. Which is exactly why I’m going to lay out six harsh, uncomfortable truths that most breakup advice conveniently ignores.
So let’s get into it.
A guide to breakup recovery based on embracing discomfort, extracting wisdom from dark moments, and healing through evidence-based practices.
Order Your Copy1. Getting Into a Rebound Relationship Can Actually Be a Good Thing
I know what you’re thinking. “Wait, didn’t I just read a hundred articles about how rebounds are terrible and I should avoid them at all costs?”
Sure. The prevailing wisdom says rebound relationships are shallow, short-lived band-aids that prevent you from doing the “real work” of healing. And look, there’s some truth to that — about 90% of rebounds don’t last, and many people use them as emotional crutches to avoid facing their pain.
But here’s my take: sometimes a rebound can actually benefit you.
Think about it this way. Let’s say you’ve always struggled with jealousy — constantly checking in on your ex, needing reassurance, spiraling into anxiety whenever they went out without you. Now imagine you meet someone new who’s naturally secure. They don’t get rattled when you’re anxious. When you call to check in, they respond calmly: “Hey, I’m alone. It’s fine. You don’t need to worry — I’m here with you.”
These interactions can act like therapy. Just being around a secure person can help that security rub off on you. If they used to have jealousy issues but overcame them, they’ll understand exactly what you’re going through. Their emotional stability becomes a model for your own healing.
So maybe stop fearing the rebound. Perhaps you should give it a go…
This cheat sheet lays out 40+ solutions to overcoming a breakup so you can create a new opportunity for love — be that with your ex or someone completely different.
Get The Free Cheat Sheet2. Self-Improvement Can Become a Subtle Form of Addiction
After a breakup, everyone tells you to “work on yourself.” Hit the gym. Read self-help books. Go to therapy. Start journaling. Meditate.
All good advice. Self-improvement is valuable — crucial, even — for bouncing back after heartbreak. But here’s what not so many people say: self-improvement can turn into a crutch. A way to cope with pain without truly addressing it.
I see this all the time. People go all-in after a breakup. They meditate for hours. They attend every personal development seminar. They buy all the breakup recovery courses. They create these intense, rigid routines. At a certain point, they’re no longer improving themselves… they’re becoming addicted to self-help.
And sure, this “self-help addiction” might be healthier than drinking yourself into oblivion or racking up credit card debt, but addiction is still addiction. It’s an external fix that can disrupt other important areas of life.
Some people skip friends’ weddings because they don’t want to mess with their meditation schedule. Others avoid family gatherings because it might “compromise their boundaries.” They set such impossibly high standards that they struggle to form real, raw relationships. They end up isolating themselves in the name of self-improvement.
The whole point of self-improvement is to reach a stage where you don’t need it as much anymore. It’s like training wheels on a bike or a crutch after you’ve healed a broken leg. Once it’s served its purpose, you need to let it go.
So use self-improvement to build yourself back up. But don’t let it become your new identity.
3. Constantly Analyzing Your Relationship Has Diminishing Returns
It’s normal to want to understand why your relationship failed. Really, it is. You replay conversations. You dissect every argument. You analyze your ex’s behavior, your behavior, the relationship dynamics. You try to pinpoint the exact moment things went wrong.
This is healthy… to a point. Eventually, analysis can turn into obsessive rumination. And that’s when it stops helping and starts hurting.
I’ve been there. After one of my breakups, I spent months over-analyzing every detail to the point where even my therapist had enough of my intellectualizing. I thought I was “processing” and “gaining insights,” but really I was just spinning my wheels. Getting nowhere. Making myself more moody and frustrated in the process.
And this is exactly the problem with constant analysis: it tricks you into feeling productive when you’re actually doing jackshit.
If you find yourself in this cycle, get out of your head. Move your body. Make something. Meet up with someone who doesn’t let you wallow. Break the pattern before it breaks you.
4. All of Your Relationship Problems Have One Thing in Common: You
An online course that teaches you how to heal and grow from a breakup so you can create a new possibility for love — with or without your ex.
Get Instant AccessOuch. I know. This one stings. But really… if you keep finding yourself in relationships that don’t work out — if you’re on your third or fourth breakup with eerily similar issues — it’s time to look in a fucking mirror.
Now, I’m not saying everything is your fault. Relationships are complex, and both people contribute to their success or failure. But if you’re noticing recurring patterns, there’s probably something unresolved within yourself that you’re bringing to each new relationship.
Maybe you always pick emotionally unavailable partners. Maybe you’re too anxious and clingy. Maybe you have trouble setting boundaries. Maybe you’re conflict-avoidant to a fault. Maybe you’re so focused on being “independent” that you can’t actually be vulnerable with anyone.
Annoyingly, you might not even be aware of these patterns. They’re your blind spots. This is where therapy becomes invaluable. A good therapist can help you identify these recurring patterns, trace them back to their origins, and actually change them. Find one if this is a problem for you.
5. Trauma Can Actually Be a Good Thing
Before you lose your shit, hear me out.
Trauma in and of itself sucks. Obviously. No one would argue otherwise. The pain of a devastating breakup — especially one that involves betrayal, abuse, or abandonment — is fucking brutal. I’m not minimizing that.
But the aftermath of trauma also has the power to reshape you, often for the better.
Take Cheryl Strayed. Throughout her life, she endured severe poverty, sexual and physical abuse, violent family drama, drug problems, and constant fear. She lived in a house without running water or electricity. Her father physically abused her and her mother. She was raped by her grandfather at age three. At 22, she became an orphan and tried to escape her pain with travel and heroin.
Yet despite all this, she became a New York Times bestselling author, renowned podcast host, political activist, and voice of hope for millions of trauma survivors worldwide. More impressively, she publicly declared that her suffering made her a more well-rounded, compassionate, and resilient person — and that she’s grateful for it.
So who says you can’t have the same transformation after your breakup? The question isn’t whether you’ll experience pain. You will. The question is: what will you do with it? How will you perceive it? Will you weave around it stories that lead to negative outcomes… or positive ones.
6. Finding Someone “Better” Isn’t the Point
Many people fixate on finding someone “better” after a breakup. Someone hotter. Someone smarter. Someone more successful. Someone who treats them better. Someone who proves they’ve “upgraded.”
But come on… being single is also completely fine.
You don’t need a new relationship to feel complete or worthy. You don’t need to “win” the breakup by landing someone objectively superior. You don’t need romantic validation to prove you’re lovable.
For some people, the single life is incredibly fulfilling. There’s freedom in it. Autonomy. Space to grow and explore and figure out who you are outside of a relationship.
Know that there’s value in that.
This cheat sheet lays out 40+ solutions to overcoming a breakup so you can create a new opportunity for love — be that with your ex or someone completely different.
Get The Free Cheat Sheet
Beat The Breakup
Recovery Course
Private Coaching
Related Reading
- The Dark Side Of Breakup Recovery May 22, 2024
- How To Deal With Uncertainty After A Breakup April 7, 2021
- How To Stop Caring About What Your Ex Thinks June 17, 2024
- Ex-Addiction: How To Spot Trauma Bonds And Break Them May 19, 2025
- Sit The Fuck Down And Be Grateful February 25, 2022
- The Self-Improvement Paradox: When Progress Feels Painful May 23, 2024