Thousands of people, myself included, at some point found themselves dissatisfied with their success in re-attracting their ex. Inspired by the toxic side of the “get your ex back” movement, we bought eBooks, watched seminars, bought courses, followed forums, tuned into audio series, and on and on.
It was addicting, and the growth of material far exceeded anyone’s ability to digest the material.
Crack had hit the streets, and it was legal.
After spending time in this industry and after indulging in toxic “get your ex back” material myself, I noticed something strange. I noticed that the people who digest heaps of that material were all severely disconnected from their own emotional motivations — the one thing that actually matters, whether you’re trying to re-attract an ex or find someone better.
To illustrate my point, allow me to explain a pyramid that describes the basics of the observations.
1. Emotional Health
Emotional health is the fundamental basis of being independent. It implies someone has taken charge of themselves and learned how to manage the neurotic behaviors of guilt, anxiety, anger, and insecurity.
It also implies someone who fulfills many of Dr. Vaillant’s criteria for mature adaptations from the Harvard Grant Study. Meaning, altruism, humor, anticipation (looking ahead and planning for future discomfort), suppression (conscious decision to postpone attention to an impulse or conflict, to be addressed in good time), and sublimation (finding outlets for feelings, like putting aggression into sport). (1)
If these developments cannot be coached and developed on your own, you should unashamedly seek the assistance of a psychologist.
You rush to the doctor after you broke your arm, so why not rush to the psychologist when your thoughts aren’t making you more healthy?
2. Communication of Identity
Communication of identity is the fundamental basis of being interdependent. I like to think of identity as your personality after the neurotic behaviors are washed away. This stage is the interaction of that persona with the outside world.
Another definition of identity is the accumulation of our beliefs, values, passions, and relationships. It’s what you’ve chosen in your life to define yourself. It implies someone who quietly draws boundaries and sticks to them. It implies someone who will share his experiences and stories but will be equally engaged in the stories of others.
Effective communication of your identity will polarize those around you, but isn’t that the point? This is where you define what you stand for, regardless of popularity. How would those around you describe you? What adjectives would they use? Are they consistent, or do they differ from person to person? The stronger your identity, the more consistent those descriptions will be.
3. Attractive Behaviors
Commonly referred to as “outer game.” These include the nuances that stoke emotion within the conversation, sparking intrigue and eliciting emotional investment. It implies someone who displays a similar or slightly lower level of investment than the person they are talking to.
While superior emotional health and a strong identity nurture the authenticity of this feeling, attractive behaviors develop the expression of these traits.
The “get your ex back” gurus continue to innovate Rube Goldberg machine-like procedures and models that fundamentally all teach the same thing: how to flirt. (Sometimes in a shallow and manipulative way, sadly.) These behaviors can re-attract your ex so long as you act in complete congruence with them.
The red flag for me that indicated a huge emotional imbalance among the “get your ex back” community is the extreme market demand for products promoting Attractive Behaviors rather than Emotional Health and Communication of Identity.
People go for the quick fix. They don’t want to hear they have emotional problems, that learning techniques or “game” alone is akin to treating the symptoms and not the source.
The people who master attractive behaviors, but leave our their personal development, are just painting murals on the third floor of a mansion whose foundation is sinking. Instead, start at the beginning.
There’s a necessary order to long-term development: Emotional Health, THEN Identity Communication, THEN Attractive Behaviors.
And the surest sign that you have undiscovered issues is thinking you have no issues. Once you have self-awareness and control of those issues, then, and only then, should you worry about the next step.
Think about it: there’s no sense in fretting on the perfect opener when you meet your ex for that first, new date if you still feel emotionally dependent on their validation.
As you invest in the bottom two foundations, Attractive Behaviors will naturally take shape. It will be authentic and real, not fabricated because a 47$ eBook instructed you to do it.
Always come back to the essence of Emotional Health: “I’m enjoying myself, and everything is as it should be.” Never think past this until you believe it.
If you foster any of these limiting beliefs, your foundation is sinking:
- “If I get my ex back, I’ll be happy.”
- “If only I was taller/fitter/smarter/tanner/more chill/more like/a different race like that man or woman, etc.”
- “I need to replace my ex by fucking ten other people.”
- “I need them.”
- “I’m willing to sacrifice my work, hobbies, or life to be with them.”
- “I’m better/worse than everyone else.”
- “I’ll never figure this out.”
I contend that, for many of you, the solution to your problems lies in refining your attitude around the person you see in the mirror. That’s what ultimately helped me the most in my overall love life. And I think it will help you too.
Enter your email below and receive a free ebook with three big ideas that will change the way you're going about re-attracting your ex and massively increase your chances of getting them back.
Should I Take My Ex Back?
Should I take my ex back? Usually, it's not a good idea. In fact, most often, it's a pretty bad one. And here are the powerful reasons why.
Is My Ex Toxic? 11 Signs To Help You Find Out
Is my ex toxic? Are my biases playing tricks on me? Discover if your ex-partner is actually toxic with these insightful 11 signs.
The Staggering Bullshit Behind The “How To Get Your Ex back” Gurus
Learn the truth about the "how to get your ex back" gurus: how they sell fake miracle cures, exploit vulnerabilities, and give shoddy advice.
How To Get Your Ex Back The Right Way
Learn how to get your ex back through self-improvement and honesty rather than tricks, mind games and deceit, as many "Ex Back gurus" preach.
11 Signs Your Ex Will Eventually Come Back (And Some Sobering Advice)
Discover 11 signs your ex will eventually come back and why obsessing over them drastically lowers your chances of getting your ex back.
10 Signs Your Ex Is Never Coming Back (And Some Sobering Advice)
Discover 10 signs your ex is never coming back and why fussing and focusing on them lowers your chances of ever getting your ex back.